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My Bank Account Stephen Leacock

When I go into a bank I get frightened. The clerks frighten me; the desks frighten me; the sight of the money frightens me; everything frightens me. The moment I pass through the doors of a bank and attempt to do business there, I become an irresponsible fool.

I knew this before, but my salary had been raised to fifty dollars a month and I felt that the bank was the only place for it.
So I walked unsteadily in and looked round at the clerks with fear. I had an idea that a person who was about to open an account must necessarily consult the manager.
I went up to a place marked "Accountant." The accountant was a tall, cool devil. The very sight of him frightened me. My voice sounded as if it came from the grave.

"Can I see the manager?" I said, and added solemnly, "alone." I don't know why I said "alone."
"Certainly," said the accountant, and brought him.
The manager was a calm, serious man. I held my fifty-six dollars, pressed together in a ball, in my pocket.
"Are you the manager?" I said. God knows I didn't doubt it.
"Yes," he said.
"Can I see you," I asked, "alone?" I didn't want to say "alone" again, but without this word the question seemed useless.

The manager looked at me with some anxiety. He felt that I had a terrible secret to tell.
"Come in here," he said, and led the way to a private room. He turned the key in the lock.
"We are safe from interruption here," he said. "Sit down."
We both sat down and looked at each other. I found no voice to speak.
"You are one of Pinkerton's detectives, I suppose," he said.

My mysterious manner had made him think that I was a detective. I knew what he was thinking, and it made me worse.
"No, not from Pinkerton's," I said, seeming to mean that I was from a rival agency.
"To tell the truth," I went on, as if someone had urged me to tell lies about it, "I am not a detective at all. I have come to open an account. I intend to keep all my money in this bank."

The manager looked relieved but still serious; he felt sure now that I was a very rich man, perhaps a son of Baron Roth's child.
"A large account, I suppose," he said.
"Fairly large," I whispered. "I intend to place in this bank the sum of fifty-six dollars now and fifty dollars a month regularly."
The manager got up and opened the door. He called to the accountant.
"Mr. Montgomery," he said, unkindly loud, "this gentleman is opening an account. He will place fifty-six dollars in it. Good morning."
I stood up.

A big iron door stood open at the side of the room.
"Good morning," I said, and walked into the safe.
"Come out," said the manager coldly, and showed me the other way.
I went up to the accountant's window and pushed the ball of money at him with a quick, sudden movement as if I were doing a sort of trick.
My face was terribly pale.

"Here," I said, "put it in my account." The sound of my voice seemed to mean, "Let us do this painful thing while we feel that we want to do it."
He took the money and gave it to another clerk.
He made me write the sum on a bit of paper and sign my name in a book. I no longer knew what I was doing. The bank seemed to swim before my eyes.
"Is it in the account?" I asked in a hollow, shaking voice.
"It is," said the accountant.
"Then I want to draw a cheque."

My idea was to draw out six dollars of it for present use. Someone gave me a chequebook and someone else seemed to think that I was a man who owned millions of dollars, but was not feeling very well. I wrote something on the cheque and pushed it towards the clerk. He looked at it.
"What! Are you drawing it all out again?" he asked in surprise. Then I realized that I had written fifty-six dollars instead of six. I was too upset to reason now. I had a feeling that it was impossible to explain the thing. All the clerks had stopped writing to look at me.

Bold and careless in my misery, I made a decision.
"Yes, the whole thing."
"You wish to draw your money out of the bank?"
"Every cent of it."
"Are you not going to put any more in the account?" said the clerk, astonished.
"Never."

A foolish hope came to me that they might think something had insulted me while I was writing the cheque and that I had changed my mind. I made a miserable attempt to look like a man with a fearfully quick temper.
The clerk prepared to pay the money.
"How will you have it?" he said.
"What?"
"How will you have it?"
"Oh" —I understood his meaning and answered without even trying to think—"in fifty-dollar notes."

He gave me a fifty-dollar note.
"And the six?" he asked coldly.
"In six dollar notes," I said.
He gave me six dollars and I rushed out.
As the big door swung behind me I heard the sound of a roar of laughter that went up to the roof of the bank. Since then I use a bank no more. I keep my money in my pocket and my savings in silver dollars in a sock.

参考译文

我的银行账户--史蒂芬.里柯克

每次走进银行我都会感到害怕，职员们让我感到害怕，办公桌让我感到害怕，看到钱我会感到害怕，一切都让我害怕。一旦走进银行的大门，试着在那儿办事，我就会成为一个不可靠的傻瓜。

我以前就知道这一点，但是我的工资已经涨到每月50美元了，我觉得银行是存放它的唯一地方。
我摇晃地走进银行，胆怯地环顾了一下办事员们。我觉得要开帐户的话，必须咨询下经理。
我走到一个有“会计员”标志的位置。这位会计员是高高的、冷酷的家伙。每看他一眼我就感到害怕，我的声音听起来是从坟墓发出的。

“我可以见你们经理吗？”我问，然后严肃地加了一句，“单独见。” 我不知道我为什么要说这句“单独见。”
“当然可以，”会计员说，并把经理请过来。
经理是个冷静、严肃的男子。我拿着那56美元，在口袋里团成了球形。
“你就是经理吗？”我问。上帝知道我对此并不怀疑。
“是的，”他说。
“我可以跟你谈话...”我问，“单独谈话吗？” 我不想再说一次“单独”了，但是不加上这个词这个问题好像没什么意义。

经理有些不安地看了我一眼，他觉得我有骇人的秘密要告诉他。
“跟我来这边，”他说，并引我进入一个密室，用钥匙把门锁上。
“在这里就不会受到打扰了，”他说，“请坐。”
我们坐下，互相看着对方。我发现自己说不出什么来。
“我想您是平克顿的一名私人侦探，”他说。

我神秘的举止让他以为我是侦探，我知道他在想什么，这让我感觉更糟了。
“不，不是平克顿，”我说，似乎自己来自平克顿的对手机构。
“其实，”我继续说，似乎被人怂恿着撒谎，“我根本不是侦探，我来是想开户，我打算把自己所有的钱都存到这里。”

他看上去松了口气，但仍保持严肃，他这会儿肯定觉得我很有钱，或许是Baron Roth的子孙。
“我想是一大笔钱，”他说。
“很大一笔，”我低声说。“我想现在在这里存上56美元，然后每月定期存50美元。”
这位经理站起来，打开门，叫来会计师。
“蒙哥马利先生，”他冷淡地大叫，“这位绅士想开户，他想存56美元。早安！”
我站起来。

房间另一头的大铁门打开了。
“早上好，”我说，走进保险箱。
“出来！”经理冷淡地说，指着让我去另一边。
我走向会计师的窗口，把这团美元猛地推给他，好像在做什么恶作剧。
我的脸变得很苍白。

“把这些，”我说，“存到我的帐户上。” 我的声音听起来有点恶意，“等我们想做时再做这件痛苦的事吧！”
他拿起钱，给了另一个职员。
他让我在一小片纸上写下金额，并在一个本子上签名。我已经不知道自己在做什么了。整个银行似乎在我眼前旋转。
“存到帐户上了吗？”我问道，声音空洞、颤抖。
“是的，”会计师说。
“那么，我想签张支票。”

我想取出六美元供当下之用，有人给了我一个支票薄，其他人看起来以为我是个不怎么舒服的百万富翁。我填了支票，把它推给办事员。他看了看。
“什么！你想把钱再全部取出来吗？”他吃惊地问。这时我意识到我写的是56美元，而不是6美元。我心里很烦，无力辩解。我感觉这是没办法解释的。所有的办事员都停下笔，盯着我看。

全然不顾自己的难堪，我大胆地做出一个决定。
“是的，全部”。
“你想取出存在银行的所有钱吗？”
“每一分都取。”
“你不会再在帐户里存钱了吗？”办事员吃惊地问。
“再也不会！”

我突然愚蠢地希望他们以为刚才我填写支票时受到了侮辱，所以才改变主意的。我痛苦地努力，使自己看起来像是个脾气很急躁的人。
办事员准备给我钱。
“你想要什么样的钱？”他问。
“什么？”
“你想要什么样的钱？”
“哦”--我明白了，不假思索地--“50元的面额。”

他给我一张50元的钞票。
“另外六元呢？”他冷冷地问。
“六元面额的。”我说。
他给我六美元，我冲出门去。
大门在身后摇晃着，我听到一阵大笑直冲银行的房顶。从此我再也不去银行，把钞票都存在口袋里，积蓄的银元都放在短袜里。

词汇释义

1.frightened adj. 受惊的, 受恐吓的

例句：
The frightened horse galloped away.
受惊的马飞奔而去.

2.irresponsible adj. 不负责任的,不可靠的

例句：
Some people felt that the Prime Minister should have been impeached for his irresponsible actions.
有些人认为，首相早就应该为其不负责任的行为而受到弹劾。

3.solemnly adv. 严肃地, 庄严地

例句：
On Saturday morning my father solemnly dispensed pocket money to each of the children.
星期六上午我父亲郑重其事地给每个孩子发零花钱.

4.interruption n. 打岔,中断,中断之事

例句：
The interruption of electricity made us unable to do anything.
电力的中断让我们什么也不能做。

5.detective n. 侦探

例句：
The detective laid great stress on details.
侦探特别强调细节。

词组讲解

1.at the sight of 看见...时

例句：
The rebels dispersed at the sight of the troops.
反叛者一看到军队就四散了。

2.look round v.环顾, 观光, 察看,观光,仔细察看

例句：
Do we have time to look round before supper?
我们在晚饭前还有时间浏览市区吗？

3.go up to 前往

例句：
I want to go up to London next week.
我想下星期去伦敦。

4.to tell the truth adv.说实话

例句：
The child must be taught to respect the truth and to tell the truth.
应该教孩子尊重事实、讲实话。

5.urge to v.怂恿, 激励

例句：
The urge to survive drove them on.
求生的欲望驱使他们。

6.intend to vt.想要, 打算, 意指, 意谓

例句：
They intend to motor up to London.
他们打算乘车去伦敦。