But anyway, let's talk about John. Please.
但总之，还是说约翰吧。谢天谢地。
If I burden myself with a little helpmate during my adventures, this is not out of sentiment or caprice,
我历险中，不厌其烦地带了位帮手（出自原着"皮肤变白的军人"），并不是一时任性。
it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me.
他有许多美好品质，他自己都忽视了，只因太过迷恋我。
Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides.
确实，我被称赞为头脑敏锐，其实这全靠约翰无私提供的极度反差。
It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day.
众所周知，新娘爱选择相貌平平的伴娘。
There is a certain analogy there, I feel. And contrast is, after all, God's own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation.
以此类推，反差这种事，说到底是上帝突出造物之美的方式。
Or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.
当然前提是，上帝这一概念不是为让白痴就业而创造的白日梦。

The point I'm trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole
我想说的是，我这个人最刻薄、最没礼貌、最愚蠢，总而言之就是最可恨。
that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet.
你再不幸也遇不到比我更混蛋的人。
I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful and uncomprehending in the face of the happy.
我对德行不屑一顾，对美貌心不在焉，直面幸福也浑然不觉
So if I didn't understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody's best friend.
收到伴郎邀约让我不解，是因为我从未指望，谁能把我当最好的朋友。
And certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.
更没指望这个人是我这辈子有幸认识的最勇敢，最善良，最明智的人。
John, I am a ridiculous man.
约翰，我这人不可理喻。
Redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship.
只有你持续给予的温暖友谊救赎了我。