I'm sure you're all wondering where Ellen is.

你们一定在想艾伦哪儿去了

And the truth is, she got impeached. Mhm. Yes. No, that's not true.

事实是 她被弹劾了 嗯 没错 不 那是假的

I can tell you where she is if we just keep it between us, and it rhymes with moob job.

如果你们保密的话我就告诉你们她在哪儿 它跟moob job押韵

Mhm. Yeah. Season 16 is going to be bigger and better than ever.

嗯哼 没错 第16季会更大更好

Yes. The truth is that it's my birthday today!

对 其实今天是我的生日

Thank you. I know, it's crazy. Oh, I also have to say hi to my mom.

谢谢大家 我知道 不可思议吧 哦 我还得跟我妈妈打个招呼

Hi, mom. This is crazy, right? OK.

嗨 老妈 很疯狂 是吧 好

So, I've been begging Ellen to let me host, so thank you, Ellen, and happy birthday to me.

我一直求艾伦让我主持一下 所以谢谢你 艾伦 祝我生日快乐

If you can't tell, I'm thrilled to be here. So, you might know me from Glee.

以防你们看不出来 我现在超级开心 大家可能从《欢乐合唱团》中认识的我

Or you might know me from Scream Queens, or you might think that I sang that song from Frozen but, no.

或者是从《尖叫皇后》中知道的我 也或许你们觉得是我唱了《冰雪奇缘》里的那首歌 但不是的

I'm not Idina Menzel.

我不是伊迪娜·门泽尔

So, this is my 11th time on the show, which is crazy, and I love coming here for two reasons.

这是我第11次上艾伦秀 难以置信 我喜欢上这个节目 有两个原因

First of all, they have the best snacks. It's out of control back there.

首先 这里有最好吃的零食 我在后台的时候都吃到停不下来

And I also just found out that they have a whole archive of reality show clips, and I love reality shows.

我还发现他们这儿有所有真人秀视频档案 我超爱真人秀的

All of them. I love The Bachelor. I love The Real Housewives.

所有都喜欢 我喜欢《单身汉》 喜欢《家庭主妇》

I love This Is Us. That family is real, OK? That family is real.

我喜欢《我们这一天》 那个家庭是真的 好吗 真正存在的

I cry real tears. So, right now, I want to watch some reality show clips with you, OK?

我都感动哭了 现在 我想跟大家一起看一些真人秀 好吧

This first show is called My Strange Addiction, and this is a woman who is addicted to her pillow.

第一个节目叫做《我奇怪的嗜好》 讲的是一名女子对她的枕头有瘾

Well, my pillow actually has a name, and it's Boo. Hey, Boo.

我的枕头有名字 叫Boo 嘿 Boo

Do you feel like your addiction is something that you need to work on?

你觉得你的嗜好是你需要克服的东西吗？

I'm OK. And you don't think that can affect some of your relationships?

没关系啊 你不觉得它会影响你谈恋爱吗？

No, because I feel like if you want me-- truly me-- then you're going to accept my pillow, because that is part of me.

不会 因为我觉得如果你喜欢我 真正的我 那你就得接受我的枕头 因为它是我的一部分

Me and this pillow got history before you came.

在你出现之前 我就和我的枕头有过一段历史了

I need it, and I don't care if the president, whoever saw me with it.

我需要它 我不在乎谁看到我跟它在一起 总统也无所谓

I wouldn't care. I'm not ashamed.

我不在乎 我不觉得耻辱

Wow. OK. That show is on TLC, which stands for Totally Loco Crazy.

哇哦 好 这个节目在TLC播出 代表“彻头彻尾的疯子”

The next clip is from a show called Botched.

下一段视频来自叫做《搞砸了》的节目

These are two twins who do everything together. Let's see.

是两个做什么都一起的双胞胎 看一下

I'm Lucy. I'm Anna. And we're the world's most identical twins.

我是Lucy 我是Anna 我们是世界上最像的双胞胎

We eat the same, sleep the same, talk the same, but, unfortunately, these aren't the same.

我们吃一样的 睡一样的 说一样的 不幸的是 这俩长的不一样

We share everything, literally, from our job, our car-- Our Facebook account

我们共享一切 真的 包括工作 车子 脸书账号

Our mobile phone-- And even a boyfriend. Even a boyfriend.

手机 甚至是男朋友 甚至是男朋友

We've been eating the exact same thing, the same size quantity of our food for about--

我们吃一模一样的东西 食物的量是一样的

10 years now. That one's still got more. Because I want my body to look like hers.

10年来都是这样 那杯还是多一些 因为我想让我的身体跟她一样

She wants her body to look like mine. We don't want to weigh differently.

她想让她的身体跟我一样 我们想让体重也一样

That one's still got more. No it's not. That one's still got more. That one's still got more.

那杯还是多一些 一样啊 那杯还是多 那杯还是多

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. You know, suddenly, the pillow lady doesn't seem so crazy.

嗯 嗯哼 突然间 那个嗜好枕头的女子好像不那么奇怪了

Finally, this is a clip from a show called Love At First Kiss.

最后 这是个来自《一吻钟情》节目的视频

I think my strategy is just go for the kiss.

我觉得我的策略就是上来就亲

Maybe I'll be able to slip tongue, and then, from there, things take off, and who knows?

或许我舌头滑一下 然后 一切就有了转机 谁知道呢

Maybe she's my first girlfriend.

或许她就是我的第一个女朋友

Hi. Hello. Hey. How's it going? Good.

嗨 嗨 嘿 你好吗 挺好的

How are you? Good. What's your name?

你呢 挺好的 你叫什么

Emily. I'm Josh. Hi. Can I kiss you? Sure.

Emily 我叫Josh 嗨 我能吻你吗？当然

OK. Oh, but don't worry.

好 哦 别担心

Don't worry about him, because they brought him back to the show to give him another try.

别替他担心 工作人员把他叫回来 又给了他一次机会

So, let's see.

我们看看

How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name?

你好吗 很好 你呢 很好 你叫什么

I'm Roxanne. Roxanne. Nice to meet you. You too. Can I kiss you? Mhm.

我是Roxanne Roxanne 很高兴认识你 我也是 我能吻你吗？嗯

It was nice.

很好

Wow. That really is one lucky lady.

哇哦 那名女子真幸运啊

And I mean the one from the first clip.

我指的是第一位女子