If I could give gold medals to an audience member, each one of you would get a gold medal. That's what I would do.
如果我能给一名观众一枚金牌 那你们每个人都会有一枚金牌 我就会那么做
I say that because I was remembering that tonight, the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics is starting,
我这么说是因为 我想起来今晚冬奥会要开幕了
and it's an event where people from all over the world gather under one roof.
这时候世界各地的人都会聚到一个地方
It's like the Oscars, but the Spanx are on the outside.
就像奥斯卡一样 只不过Spanx是户外的
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
谢谢 谢谢 谢谢 谢谢
Been waiting four years to tell that joke.
等了四年才有机会开这个玩笑

The Olympics started way back in ancient Greece. There were some weird traditions.
古希腊的时候就有奥运会了 有些传统很怪异
In the beginning, Olympians competed naked, first of all. Just, here's the thing. Imagine the baton relay.
一开始的时候 奥运会选手会先裸着竞争 是这样 大家想象一下接力棒
Take the baton! I've got it! That's not-- that's not the baton!
拿着接力棒 我拿住了 那不是 那不是接力棒！
Oh, boy. Also in the first Olympics, they didn't give out medals. The tradition was to give the winners an olive branch.
哦 天啊 第一次运动会的时候 他们不发金牌 传统做法是给冠军一根橄榄枝
Which is strange, I think they could have given them pants, that's what the winner should've gotten.
这很奇怪啊 我觉得他们应该给裤子 这才是胜者需要的
All ceremonies have weird traditions, when you think about it.
要是想想的话 很多仪式都有怪异的传统
And nobody asks any questions, we just keep doing them.
但却没有任何人有意见 我们就单纯照着做
Graduations are really interesting to me, because the tassel on the cap is a big deal, that tassel thing.
我觉得毕业典礼特别有趣 因为帽子上的帽穗可是了不得 那个帽穗
Because in the beginning of the graduation the tassel is supposed to hang on one side,
毕业典礼刚开始的时候 帽穗是垂在一边的
and then when you graduate, you move it to the other side.
等你毕业的时候 就把它移到另一边
That's some powerful hanging thread right there, that is.
那个挂着的线可真是强大啊
This side, no degree. This side, degree. This side, no job. Job. Stupid. Smart.
这边 没学位 这边 有学位 这边 没工作 这边 有工作 笨蛋 天才
And if you have tassels on your chest, you might be putting yourself through college.
如果你胸上有帽穗 估计大学会上的很辛苦
Is that how it goes? I don't know.
是这样吗？不知道
When I do it, I like to start on the right hand side, and then I get the left hand going the opposite direction.
要是我的话 我喜欢先从右手边开始 然后从左边拨到相反的方向
Just what I do. And then there's weddings, those are strange.
我是这样 然后还有婚礼 也很奇怪
A special day when two people just pledge to spend the rest of their lives together and unite as one.
在这特殊的一天 两人会许诺共度余生 形同一人
And then they walk out, and we throw rice at them.
然后他们走出去 我们往他们身上撒米
And the reason we throw the rice at weddings is to bless the bride and groom with fertility.
我们在婚礼上撒米是为了祝福新郎新娘早生贵子
And if they throw instant rice, it's not going to be a good night, that's what--
如果他们扔的是速煮米 那那天晚上就不好
I have a better way to bless the couple with fertility.
我有个更好的办法能让他们早生孩子
When the groom walks by, yell, don't carry your cell phone in your front pocket! Move it to the back.
新郎走过来的时候 大喊 不要把手机装在前兜里 把它装后面
Of course, the bride throws a bouquet, and whoever catches it will be the next one to get married.
当然了 新娘还要扔捧花 谁接到它就是下一个结婚的
I don't know why we have to throw things. We're throwing rice, we throw bouquets.
不明白为什么我们得扔东西 我们扔米 还扔捧花
We go to dinner parties, you throw your keys in a bowl.
去餐饮派对的时候 还要把钥匙扔到碗里
I may be thinking of swinger parties. But-- one time-- but
我估计说的是乱搞派对 不过 一次 不过
That was the one time. The callback!
就那一次 回调
Throwing the wedding bouquet is weird, but the strange one is the garter.
婚礼上扔捧花很诡异 不过奇怪的是吊袜带
That to me is always a weird one.
我一直都觉得这个很奇怪
When you're sitting there, and you're watching the groom undress the bride, and everyone's just watching.
你坐在那儿 看着新郎给新娘脱衣服 大家就那么盯着
And he goes underneath the dress, and he's got his teeth, and he's taking it.
他会撩开衣服 用牙齿咬住它
It's like, I know you're married, but this is awkward to watch. I don't want to watch that.
真是 我知道你们结婚了 可是这看起来很尴尬啊 我不想看这个