Brian: Her fists are so dangerous, she's not allowed to be a lesbian.

Quagmire: What can I say? I really like watching her box.
Peter: That means two things.

Brian: You invented a time machine, but you can't get us out of a safe?
Stewie: Yeah, that's science. I'm not Houdini.

Artie: Adultery means cheating.
Brittany: I thought it meant being stupid. Like being a dolt.

Sue: I can't suspend someone for shoving you into a locker. He'll just say he tripped and accidentally pushed you. I use that excuse all the time.

Blair: Look, I think I figured it out. Okay, Serena had an affair with her teacher because, let's face it, it's Serena and what else is there to do in Connecticut. Then she came to her senses and discarded him like last season's Chanel booties. Then he became a crazy stalker and Serena pressed charges. That should be a warning to you, Humphrey.

Dan: Yeah, because the parallels are striking.

Blair: Serena, I have to tell you something. I've never been on a date.

Serena: What about Chuck, and Nate? And Chuck? And then Nate again?

Blair: Dorota, I need answers that don't end in, 'And then I came to America!'

Meredith: (to Lexie) You're not crazy. You're a Grey.

Arizona: Mark stares at my boobs when we talk. He starts at my face, but somewhere along the way he gets distracted and ends up at my boobs. I love guys. I love them. But I've tried my whole life to avoid the boob staring guy. Biology even helped me by making me gay. But now, my girlfriend's best friend is that guy. And I don't think I need to apologize for the fact that the only person I want staring at my boobs is you.

Callie: Boobs, really, you're making this about boobs?

Arizona: He stares at them.

Callie: 'Cause their good boobs!

Mason: I've heard a lot of great things about you.

Damon: Really? That's weird because I'm a d**k.

Damon: Have I entered an alternate universe where Stefan is fun?

Damon: I get it. He's the reason you live. His love lifts you up where you belong.

Homer: Now Maggie, I had to use your car seat to hold the new TV Guide, so I'm gonna hang you from the mirror.

Liz: You'll never be a millionaire! Hahaha. Slumdog Millionaire ref...Blam-o.

Jenna: Fidelity, Paul. It's not just the name of a bank that sued me.

Jack: As my good friend and fox hunting partner Mary J. Blige would say 'No more drama.'

Troy: I think I got half of it, which got me through the half I didn't.

Abed: Like the first season of The Wire.

Abed: Come with me if you don't wanna get paint on you.

Leonard: Why would you want a glow-in-the-dark ant farm?

Sheldon: They do some of their best work at night.

Andy: Can anyone else name a consequence of sex?

Kevin: It feels unbelievable.

Dwight: Kelly will be even worse than Darryl. If you'd have told me this morning that today I'd be creating a monster capable of my own destruction, I'd have thought you were referring to the bull Mose and I are trying to reanimate.

Creed: You ever notice you can only ooze two things? Sexuality and pus. Man, I tell ya.