You're excited to be inside. Yeah, yeah, I'm happy you're out of the rain.

大家进来了都很高兴啊 嗯 嗯 我很开心你们不用淋雨了

It has been raining. Like it is coming down. I'll tell you.

一直在下雨 瓢泼大雨 真的是

I was walking-- our offices are on the lot a few buildings over.

我刚走 我们办公室在不远处

And today I was walking from my office to the stage, and it completely watered down my gin. It was like--

今天我从办公室往台上走的时候 我的杜松子酒都被灌满了水 就像

I was trying to cover it.

我本来想护住它的

It's been raining all week long.

这一周都在下雨

It's extra dangerous right now in LA because with the government shutdown,

洛杉矶现在比较危险 因为政府关门了

we don't have the lifeguards that normally look over the puddles.

没有提醒我们小心水坑的救生员了

So the rain is all they're talking about on the local news.

所以本地新闻讨论的全都是雨

It's just-- last night they were warning us about all the dangerous and unstable events headed our way.

昨晚新闻还提醒我们要注意所有危险和不稳定的情况

They were talking about The Bachelor, but still, they were--

他们讨论的是《单身汉》 但还是

Driving in LA is crazy when-- it took me two hours to get here today.

洛杉矶的交通简直了 我今晚到这儿来花了俩小时

And it normally takes me, I don't know, 20 minutes or so.

通常只需要 大概20分钟吧

Two hours-- and half that time was me trying to figure out how to turn on my windshield wipers because I've never used them.

俩小时——其中一小时都是我在想怎么打开雨刮器 因为我还从来没用过

I found out where my sunroof is couple of times, though. I did find that out.

不过有几次 我是找到遮阳顶在哪儿了 我找到了

People drive so badly I think because we're afraid of the rain.

人们的车技也太烂了 就因为担心雨

We're afraid to get wet because if we get wet, then our spray tans will wash off.

我们怕被淋湿 因为如果淋雨了 身上的仿晒黑喷雾就会被冲掉

And then everyone will know how pale and sickly we are from our juice cleanses.

然后所有人都知道果汁排毒减肥方式背后的我们是多么苍白无力了

Today when I got out of the car, I cracked the door open.

我今天下车的时候 直接把车门打开

And I stuck the umbrella out, and I opened the umbrella carefully so I wouldn't get a drop of rain on me.

把伞伸出去小心打开 这样我身上就不会淋到一滴雨

And then I go to stand up, but I was still strapped in.

然后我站起来 但我还被绑在车上

I forgot that I didn't take the seatbelt off.

我忘记解安全带了

So I reached back in and the umbrella was still open,

于是我又回到车内 雨伞还开着

which made it like a water slide that poured down into my car directly.

结果雨就顺着伞直接流到我车里面了

Long story short, I'm suing the rain.

长话短说 我要告雨

Ooh, rain. We need the rain, though. We do.

哦 臭雨 不过我们需要下雨 确实需要

It does a lot of good. It cleans out the smog.

下雨有很多好处 它可以冲洗雾霾

And it fills our pools, and it helps everything grow.

灌满池塘 帮助万物生长

This is true. I'm told Sofia Vergara grew 2 cup sizes.

这是事实 据说Sofia Vergara长了两个罩杯

She's-- that's how they grow. They get watered. And they--

她 就是这么长的 被浇水了 他们

Just with Sofia-- not everybody else, but she gets watered.

只有Sofia 不包括其他人 不过