Ladies and gentlemen, we are just coming back from spring break and so much has happened.
女士们先生们 大家刚放完春假 这中间发生了好多事
Since we've been gone. First things first.
因为节目中断了一段时间 先讲第一件最重要的是
We've got to check in with Trump. Still the worst. Check.
来看特朗普 还是最差的 完毕
But did you know that trump also became a grandfather for the 8th time, ladies and gentlemen?
但女士们先生们 你们知道特朗普第8次当爷爷了吗
Yeah. That's right. Ivanka Trump gave birth to Donald Trump's new grandson yesterday.
没错 伊万卡·特朗普昨天诞下唐纳德·特朗普的新孙子
What's interesting is that the baby actually shares a name with Trump's worst enemy,
有趣的是 这个孩子跟特朗普最大的劲敌名字相同
no, she hasn't called the baby Mexicans.
错 他不叫墨西哥人
The baby is called Ted like Ted Cruz.
他叫泰德 泰德·科鲁兹的泰德
And when Donald Trump actually met the baby,
唐纳德·特朗普看到这个孩子的时候
he was like wow, look at the size of those hands.
他的反应是 哇 看看这小手
but the family says the baby is doing well
特朗普家人说 宝宝还不错
and has already used its building blocks to build a wall between him and his nanny.
已经学会搭积木把自己跟保姆隔绝开了

Meanwhile, on the democratic side, Bernie Sanders has been on a hot streak.
同时 民主党这边 伯尼·桑德斯喜报频传
He won three states on Saturday
他在周六获得了三个州的支持
but the biggest thing that happened to him was at a rally in Portland, Oregon,
最值得一提的是 在俄勒冈州 波特兰的一次集会中
where he got a surprise visit from an unexpected guest.
他迎来了一位意料之外的访客
Now you see, this little bird doesn't know it—
你看 这只鸟什么都不知道——
That bird landing on his podium was actually the closest Bernie Sanders has come to ever sending a tweet.
这个站在伯尼讲台上的鸟实际上是他跟推特最接近的一次了
Listen, I'm not mocking Bernie
不是我想嘲笑伯尼
but when a bird lands on your podium and that's the biggest reaction you get,
但如果一只鸟停在你的讲台上 而你的反应就只有这样的话
maybe you're not the most interesting presidential candidate.
大概你也不是最有趣的总统候选人
Bernie was like okay, let's get back to the economy and the audience is like a-w-w-w.
伯尼说 好 我们接着来聊经济 然后观众都是 啊 这种反应
But by far the craziest story to come out of last week came from the national rifle association
截止目前上周最神奇的新闻来自于全美步枪协会
And their website NRA family has posted new takes on classic fairy tales in which the protagonists have guns, all right.
他们网站引入了新鲜元素 想象下如果经典童话里的反派都有枪的话是什么样子
So the NRA asked on their website,
协会在自己网站上写道
have you ever wondered what those same fairy tales might sound like
你有没有想过如果小红帽和韩塞尔与格雷特里的人物
if red riding hood or Hansel and Gretel had been taught about gun safety and how to use fire arms?
都有学习过枪支安全知识和如何正确使用武器 那么故事会是什么样
And I think I speak for all of us, so I say no, of course not!
我觉得我可以代表你们发声 我想说没有 当然没有啊
Here is the actual picture from their website.
这是网站给出的图
This is the grandma from little red riding hood fending off the wolf.
这是小红帽中的老奶奶拿枪对着狼时候的样子
There she is there.
这张
These are real. And here is the picture of Hansel and Gretel, all right.
这是真的 这是韩塞尔和格雷特的
But there is a reason there weren't guns in those stories before it's because guns ruin every story.
这些故事里本来没有枪 这是有原因的 因为有了枪 整个故事就变样了
It's like once upon a time there were three bears,
比如 很久很久以前 有三只熊
sorry two bears, okay, no bears, Goldilocks is in great shock.
不对是两只熊 好吧 没有熊 金发女孩就突然被吓到了
But I can see what the NRA is trying to do.
我能理解协会的用意
But when you add guns to these stories you need to change certain things.
但是如果你想在童话里加入枪的元素 其中一些情节就必须要做出改变
Like all of snow white's dwarfs are going to have to have different names now.
比如 白雪公主身边所有的小矮人都不需要有自己的名字
Like instead of happy, you have trigger happy.
不能叫开心 要叫扳机开心
Then there is Shooty, Uzi, Bloody, Hurty, Casualty, and Doc.
还有射击 冲锋 嗜血 疼痛 伤亡和医生
You're still definitely going to need Doc.
医生还是需要的嘛
But I just hope they don't start putting guns into modern stories.
但我就是希望他们不要给现代故事中也加入枪支
You can imagine frozen with guns.
想想看冰雪奇缘里面有了枪是什么样的
Do you want to be a dead man?
你想死吗