Welcome to our Mother's Day show.

欢迎来到母亲节节目现场

Today, my audience is filled with first time expectant moms.

今天 我的观众们都是初体验准妈妈们

Of course, I have never been pregnant, and that's because that wasn't a mint I tossed in my mouth.

当然了 我从来没怀孕过 因为怀孕不像我扔进嘴里的那颗口香糖

That's birth control. I do it every day.

这叫计划生育 我每天都做

Congratulations to all of you.

恭喜你们

You're doing something that I can't imagine doing, going nine months without tequila. Wow.

你们正在经历的事我不敢想象 九个月不喝龙舌兰 哇哦

It's ironic that you can't drink alcohol because really, that's how most of you got into this mess in the first place.

你们不能喝酒还挺讽刺的 因为导致怀孕的罪魁祸首就是酒

Even though you can't drink, you're going to have a lot of fun today.

就算你们不能喝酒 今天也一定会玩的很开心

This is one of the best shows with some of the biggest giveaways, so you are going to be happy, happy people.

这是最优秀 赠品最多的节目之一 所以你们一定会特别特别开心的

That's right. Oh man.

没错 天

You're going to be cheering and screaming so loudly your belly buttons are going to go from an innie to outie.

你们会欢呼尖叫到连肚脐都要鼓出来了

It's like just going to pop right out.

它会一下蹦出来

I don't know a lot about being pregnant.

我对怀孕知之甚少

I know it's not easy and labor can be scary, but no matter how hard it gets, just remember this.

我知道这很难 生孩子更是很可怕 不过不管有多难 要记住

If Kylie Jenner can do it, so can you.

如果凯莉·詹娜（年仅21岁的美国明星）做得到 那你们也一定没问题

One thing I've noticed is when you're pregnant, everyone loves to give advice.

我注意到一件事 你们怀孕后 谁都想给点意见

Don't they? Oh man. I'm sure you've met some of those know it alls.

不是吗？哦 天哪 我相信你们一定遇到过这些万事通

They're called-- what are they called? Doctors.

他们叫 叫什么来着？医生

Everybody thinks they know what's best for the baby and like they have different theories.

每个人都觉得自己知道怎样才对孩子最好 他们还有不同的理论

Like people say if you read to your baby from an early age, they'll become smarter,

有人说如果很早就给孩子读书 他们就会更聪明

or if you sing to them, they're going to become musicians, or if you don't hug them, they'll become comedians.

或者如果你唱歌给他们听 他们就会成为音乐家 如果你不抱他们 他们就会成为喜剧演员

You know?

之类的

Don't worry about that. You all look like you're in great shape.

别担心 你们的身材都棒极了

You're glowing. You're full of hope and anticipation.

你们闪闪发光 满怀希望和期待

Basically right now, you feel the same way I do when I walk into a casino.

基本上 你们现在的感觉就跟我进入赌场时候的感觉一样

And then a few months later, you're going to feel the same way I do when I walk out of a casino.

几个月后 你们的感觉会跟我从赌场出来的感觉一样

You're broke, you're wearing clothes from three days ago, and one of your boobs is hanging out.

身无分文 穿着三天前的脏衣服 乳房还会外挂

I'm excited for all of you. I really am.

我替你们感到高兴 真的

You have a chance to make this world a better place.

你们有机会让这个世界变得更美好

You can raise your sons to be kind.

你们可以养育出善良的儿子

You can raise your daughters to be strong.

培养出坚强的女儿

Promise to do that for me, please.

请答应我一定要这么做