So I wrote a book in which I wanted not only to look at infidelity from the point of view of the impact and the consequences
我写了一本书 在书里 我不光想从影响和后果的角度来看待不忠
but also from the point of view of the meanings and the motives.
还想从含义和动机的角度来看待这个问题
Why do people do this?
人们为什么要这么做？
Why do people who often have been faithful for decades one day cross the line they never thought they would cross?
为什么几十年来忠贞不二的人突然就跨过了那条本以为永远都不会跨越的红线？
What’s at stake? How do we make sense of this?
到底是什么问题？我们该怎么解释这一切？
How do we grow from that? Can it ever become an opportunity?
能从中得到什么教训？它有可能意味着机会吗？
Can a couple ever glean something that ultimately may strengthen it, rather than only seeing it from the point of view of the cataclysm?
夫妻能从中吸取教训从而加固关系 而不是仅仅把它看做一场灾难吗？

To write a book where I try to understand infidelity doesn’t mean that I’m justifying it.
我写这本书 试图理解不忠 并不意味着我会为它辩解
And when one doesn’t condemn it, it doesn’t mean that one is condoning it.
人们不谴责它 并不意味着人们就能包容它
But this experience affects so many people.
但这种经历影响到了成千上万的人
I have worked with hundreds, thousands of people who have been shattered by the experience of infidelity.
我跟数千名遭受不忠迫害的人一起工作过
And I thought there needs to be a better way that is more caring and more compassionate for the crisis that so many people face.
我觉得需要想出一种更关心 更富有同情心的方式来处理这个很多人都在面对的问题
So at the heart of affairs, what is infidelity?
那么看一下偷情的核心 到底什么是不忠？
That is the question people often ask me. How do I define it?
这个问题人们经常问我 我是怎么定义的？
And interestingly there is no universally agreed upon definition of infidelity.
有趣的是 关于不忠并没有被大家普遍接受的定义
And, in fact, the definition keeps on expanding with the advent of the digital.
其实 随着数字时代的到来 关于不忠的定义一直在扩大
What is it? Is it staying secretly active on your dating apps?
它是什么？是指偷偷在约会软件上极其活跃吗？
Is it watching porn, but not when the other person is live?
是指看黄片 但爱人却不在场吗？
Is it massage with happy endings? Where is the line?
是指以愉快结尾的按摩吗？界限到底在哪里？
It’s never been easier to cheat, and it’s never been more difficult to keep a secret.
出轨从来没像现在这样容易过 想要保守秘密也从来没像现在这么难
So this diffuseness is very much at the heart of trying to define it.
所以不忠定义的扩展其实就是试图给它下定义的核心
But there are three elements that are always present.
但有三种要素是必不可少的
And the more important one, the constitutive element of an affair, is the fact that it is organized around a secret.
比较重要的一点 偷情的构成要件 就是它是一个秘密这个事实
The structure of infidelity is its secrecy.
不忠的结构就是它的保密性
That is why it is such a major difference from the conversation about monogamy or consensual non-monogamy.
这就是它与一夫一妻制或两厢情愿的非一夫一妻制对话的最大区别
Those are two separate realities. So an affair is organized around the structured element called secret.
那是两种独立的现实 所以偷情的结构要素就是秘密
The second element is that there is a sexual aura, an alchemy.
第二个要素就是它有一种性氛围 一种暧昧
Not necessarily the presence of sex itself; it’s not the bodily experiences, it’s the energy much more than the performance.
不一定就是性本身 不是身体体验 而是一种比身体感受更为强烈的能量
And three, that there is an emotional involvement to one degree or another—from a deep love affair to even a transaction in which one pays for the other person to leave.
第三 它有不同程度的情感介入 从深爱的偷情事件到简单的钱色交易
But there is always a meaning to it. That is what I call the emotional involvement.
但这里面总有一种含义 那就是我所说的情感介入
Even when you try to make something mean nothing, it means a lot.
即便你想做一些毫无意义的东西 其实它也有很多含义
Our current model of thinking says if you have found “the one and only” it means that you’re willing to forego everything else for that person and you no longer miss anything else.
我们现有的思想模式认为 如果你找到了“人生挚爱” 就意味着你愿意为了TA放弃所有 从此你也不会再丢失任何东西
If you have everything you need there is no need to go looking elsewhere.
如果你需要的东西都在面前 你就没有必要再到别处去寻找
If you have gone to look elsewhere there must be something missing—either there’s something missing in you or in your relationship.
如果你还得去其他地方找 那就说明你一定丢掉了一些东西—要么是你要么是你们的关系丢失了一些东西
We are very wedded today to looking at infidelity and transgressions from a symptom perspective.
今天 我们作为已婚人士 会从症状的角度去看待不忠
It’s the symptom model. "There must be something wrong.”
这是症状模式 “一定是哪里出问题了”
But I often was thinking that millions of people can’t all be pathological.
但我时常在想 不可能数百万人都是病态的
So if it is not the case that it is always a symptom, what is it?
如果不忠不是一种症状 那它是什么呢？
And one of the great discoveries and surprises in my research for 'The State of Affairs' was to notice that people would come and say, “I love my partner; I’m having an affair.”
我的“出轨状态”研究有一项令人惊讶的伟大发现 那就是它注意到 人们经常会说“我爱我的伴侣；我出轨了”
That sometimes people even in satisfying relationships also stray—and they don’t stray because they are rejecting their relationship or because they are reacting to their relationship.
有时候 即便身处一段很满意的关系中 人们也会迷失—他们迷失不是因为抗拒自己的关系 也不是对自己的关系做出回应
They often stray not because they want to find another person but because they want to reconnect with a different version of themselves.
他们迷失不是因为想要另觅新欢 而是想要重新找到那个不同版本的自己
It isn’t so much that they want to leave the person that they are with as much as sometimes they want to leave the person that they have themselves become.
他们更想要离开的不是和自己一起生活的伴侣 而是那个被别人改变的自己
And what one reads in the book is that the more parts of yourself you can bring into a relationship, the less likely you may then be to go looking for the lost parts elsewhere.
大家可以在书中看到 如果你能把更全面的自己带进一段关系中 那么你就更不可能去其他地方寻找自己失去的部分
And that’s when I began to say, even people in happy relationships cheat as well.
所以我说 即便身处幸福关系中的人也同样会出轨
It isn’t always about the other or about the relationship.
并不一定总是另一半或者关系出了问题
At the heart of affairs you will find betrayal, lying and deception and loss.
在偷情的核心 你会看到背叛 撒谎 欺骗和损失
But you will also find yearning and longing and self-discovery and exploration.
但你也会看到渴望 热情 自我发现和探索
And it is those two experiences that make this most complex conundrum of infidelity:
正是这两种不同的感受造就了关于不忠的最复杂的谜题：
“What it did to you” and “what it meant for me”.
“它对你做了什么” “它对我意味着什么”