Who drove here today? Anybody driving here today? So did I, and I--you know.
谁今天是开车来的 今天有人是开车来的吗 我也是 而且我
See, I'm driving to work today, and I--
看 我今天是开车来的 我
Here, I want to show you what I saw. It was really exciting. I'm driving.
这里 我想给你看看我看到的东西 真的很激动啊 我开车的时候看到的
You can imagine my excitement when the car in front of me
你可以想象我看到前面这辆车时的兴奋劲
had this bumper sticker on it. Look at that!
保险杠上面有个贴纸 看看那个
It's a little blurry 'cause I was driving really, really fast, so, uh--
有点模糊不清 因为我开得真的很快 所以 恩
No, I didn't take a picture when I was driving. That'd be dangerous.
不 我没有开车的时候拍照 那会很危险的

I was stopped. But then I thought, "Wow, there's someone with my last name and Oprah's last name
我停下来了 然后我想 哇哦 这有个人 用我的姓和欧普拉的姓
running for Vice President and President of the United States."
参加副总统和总统竞选
It's exciting. And then, ah, no. It was really somebody's wishful thinking,
真是激动人心啊 然后 啊 没 这真的是某些人的迫切愿望
and so, I'm flattered that someone thought of that, and then I was like, "How dare you?"
因此 我挺荣幸的 居然有人这么想 接着 我又想 你好大的胆子
Really, I can't be President How come she's President? and I'm Vice President?
真的 我不能竞选总统吗 为什么是欧普拉竞选总统呢 而我要去竞选副总统
I could be President. I was the president of the Squirrels and Bird Association of Metarie, LA
我能当总统的 我当过洛杉矶马特瑞拉的松鼠与鸟类协会的董事长啊
when I was seven years old. In my backyard.
那时候我七岁 在我家后院
I was overthrown by a squirrel named Lars, but that's not the point.
我被一只叫做拉尔斯的松鼠推倒了 但这不是重点
I'm flattered that people would tr--
我很荣幸有人觉得我
I mean, what a wonderful thing that somebody would trust me to run the country,
恩 感觉真的是很棒 被人信任可以管理国家
but if I want real power in changing people's lives,
但是 如果我想要真正的权力去掌控人们的生活
I think I should stay right here. I think that's the best thing to do.
我觉得我应该就留在这里 我觉得这就是我能做的最好的事情
Spread love... and joy... but I have to admit, when I saw that bumper sticker,
去传播爱还有快乐 但是 我得承认 当我看到保险杠上的标签
I couldn't help but think what a day as President would be like.
我禁不住想 要是我成了总统 我的一天会是怎么样的
I would imagine it would be something like this. Yes.
我大概想到了这样的场景 是的
Yes, President DeGeneres here, yes. No! Yes, very urgent. Absolutely not. No onions, no.
没错 我是迪洁勒瑞思总统 不 恩 太操之过急了 当然不会是这样了 不要放洋葱 别放
And dressing on the side. Thank you very much. All right, let's see, laws!
一边要装饰 非常感谢 好的 看看文件 法律啊
The laws under my presidency. Uh...uh... The official animal of America will be the baby goat.
我管辖下的法律 呃 呃恩 美国的官方动物是小羊羔
And, ah, let's see. As of today, your horn--
然后 呃 还有 今天起 你的喇叭
That's right, if you honk your horn the second after
对了 如果绿灯之后你按两声
the light turns green, you lose your privilege to drive. Right.
喇叭 你就被吊销驾照 对的
From henceforth on, it shall be illegal to enter a Starbucks
从今以后 进入星巴克就是违法行为
unless you already know your order, that's right.
除非你知道你要点什么 没错
Furthermore, if I watch "The Bachelor Tells All" and The Bachelor does not tell all in fact,
此外 如果我看 单身汉诉说的那些事 而单身汉实际上没有说多少事
he will be arrested, 'cause ain't nobody got time for that. Yes...
他就要被逮捕 因为没人有时间听他瞎扯 对 就是这样
And finally... it's now against the law to sing "Let It Go" in public.
最后 现在是立法禁止 在公共场合唱 随他吧
If a person is caught doing so, their bank accounts will be frozen.
如果有人因此被捕 他们的银行账户就被会冻结
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
哈哈哈哈哈 哈哈哈哈 哈哈哈哈哈 哈哈哈哈哈
Fair and funny. Okay... I'm good at this job.
公正而有趣 好的 我果然很擅长当总统
Uh, Craig? Could you send in Andy for his 1:00 briefing?
呃 克雷格 你能让安迪进来陈述下他一点的作战指示吗
Right away, ma'am. Andy... You have been briefed. Thank you.
马上到 女士 安迪 你的作战计划已经陈述完了 谢谢
Thank you, Madame President. Craig, can you send in the other Andy for his 1:01 p.m. briefing?
谢谢你 总统女士 克雷格 你能叫另一个 安迪进来陈述下他下午1：01的作战计划吗
Right away, ma'am. Hi. Hi. You called--
马上到 女士 你好 你好 你找我
Really smooth. I just received a letter, and uh, this is from my secretary,
很顺利 我刚刚收到一封信 呃 信是我的秘书处发来的
and I would like you to read it out loud for me,
我想让你大声读出来给我听
because I have not read it yet and I'd like you to read it to me, please.
因为我还没来得及看 我想让你读给我听 请吧
Okay. Out loud, and please project. "A hoarder named Porter
好的 大声读 还有请好好表现 一个叫做波特的储藏者
"ordered 44 Ecuadorian quarters, "to FortA hoarder named Porter
预订了44间厄瓜多尔的宾馆 作为边界交易站 一个叫做波特的储藏者
"ordered 44 Ecuadorian quarters to Fort Lauderdale, Florida." Thank you.
预订了44间厄瓜多尔的宾馆 作为佛罗里达州 劳德代尔的贸易站
"And here is the information you've requested on our nation's penal code."
还有这里是你要得信息 我们国家的刑法典
"The penal code is a--" How old are you? "The pe--" "The penal code is a set of penal laws
刑法典是 你多大了 刑 刑法典是一组刑法法律
and which, if broken, will result in moderate to severe penalization."
一旦未返款这个刑法 就要承担 相应的惩罚
Thank you. Thank you. Please leave me. I'm gonna go. Thank you, all right.
谢谢你 谢谢你 请出去吧 我要走了 谢谢你 好了
Thank you. All right, let's see. Ah! I have made new laws, check!
谢谢 好 再来看下一个 啊啊 我创造了一些新法律 打勾
I have briefed Andys, check. Ah, "set presidential TV to record 'Scandal.'"
我听了安迪的简述 打勾 啊 认真用总统的电视刻录电视剧 丑闻
That is correct. That's what I need to do. Where is myHere's my remote.
没有错 我该录电视了 哪去了我的 遥控器在这呢
All right. Uh oh. Seems to be broken. Craig, my TV is broken again.
那么 好的 呃 哎呀 看起来坏了 克雷格 我的电视又坏了
Please send someone in to fix it. I need a fixer. Yes, please come in.
请派人过来修 我需要一个修理师 好的 请进
Madame President. I hear you're having problems with your television.
总统女士 我听说你的电视出问题了
Yes, yes, I need you to fix it. Can you fix it? Well, since I'm here, I'll fix it.
是的 我需要你去维修一下 你能修好吗 恩 既然我来了 我会修好的
Where's your TV? It's over there, you see it? Yeah. Okay, fixed.
你的电视在哪呢 就在那儿 你看见了吗 看见了 好的 修好了
Okay. I also set it for the Oscars, 'cause I'm presenting again this Sunday.
好的 我还设置了奥斯卡颁奖礼的录制 因为我这周日还要出席
Oh, well, congratulations on that. Thank you so much.
恩 好的 恭喜你了 非常感谢
So, Madame President... Yes? I feel that the best thing--unless you need something else from me--
那个 总统女士 什么事 我想你有个事最好做一下 如果你没别的事要做的话
No. I think the best thing for this country, truly, would be if you would...dance.
没有啊 我觉得对这个国家来说 真正该做的事就是 跳舞了
Oh! Well, then, I shall do so.
啊 恩 既然这样 我就来跳舞吧