I recently read that during World War Two, Joseph Stalin had a research program to create supersoldiers by having women impregnated by gorillas.
我最近读到在二战期间约瑟夫?斯大林曾有一项研究计划为了制造超级士兵要让女人怀上大猩猩的孩子。
What a sick use of science.
太变态的滥用科学了。
Hey, as long as the baby's healthy.
只要孩子健康就没事啦。
I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals.
不知道斯大林有没想过使用其他动物。
Hippos are the deadliest creature.
河马是杀伤性最高的动物。
A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.
半人半河马应该会是狠角色吧。
Yes, but when they're hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.
但当它们饿饿的时候，一种4名玩家控制河马头，抢吃弹珠的桌游，你用弹珠就能阻止它们了。
Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala.
是的，制造跨族超级士兵的最佳选择是考拉。
You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn't be attacked.
你可以做出一个超可爱，让人无法下手的军队。
But half-man, half-owl could fly...The answer is cuddly soldiers with big flat noses. Moving on.
但半人半猫头鹰可以飞...正解就是让人想抱的大扁鼻子士兵。下个话题。
So, Penny, when's the new job start?
佩妮，新工作什么时候开始？
Next Monday. Did you get a chance to look over the materials I gave you?
下周一。你找时间看了我给你的材料了吗？
Uh, not yet, but I will. Great. When? I said I'll get to it.
还没，但我会看的。很好。什么时候？我说了我会去看。
I'm sensing awkwardness, am I right? Yes. Swish.
我好像感觉到场面有些尴尬，是吧？是的。厉害。
I don't want to be pushy, but you've never done pharmaceutical sales before.
我不想一直逼你，但你之前从未接触过医药销售。
It seems like you could use this time to get a head start.
你可以用这段时间领先其他人啊。
Well, the first few weeks will be all training. They'll tell me everything I need to know.
前几周都是在培训。他们会教我一切需要了解的信息。
But imagine how impressed they'd be if you showed up already familiar with the material.
但你想象一下，你去的时候已经对材料很熟，他们肯定会对你刮目相看。
Okay, so what, you want me to be like a teacher's pet?
所以是怎样，你想让我当老师的小马屁精吗？
Couldn't hurt. Mm, I don't know.
又没坏处。不知道啊。
Who here has ever been hurt because they were the teacher's pet?
在座这里有谁因为当老师的马屁精被欺负过？
It was like the rest of the class wanted Ms. McDonald to forget the quiz.
感觉就像班上其他同学想要老师忘了有考试。
Mrs. Davis. Guess who? Dr. Cooper. That's right, good job.
戴维斯小姐。你猜是谁？库伯博士。没错，干得好。
Hello. Uh, you wanted to see me?
你好。你想见我吗？
Yes. Uh, welcome back. Thank you.
是的。欢迎回来。谢谢。
I assume you'd like to reopen our dialogue about the university forcing me to continue with string theory?
我想你想要再开始大学逼我继续研究弦理论的谈话是吗？
You mean the dialogue that went, "Please?" "No." "Please?" "No." "Please?" "No."
你是指谈话过程只有"拜托？"、"不行"这两个词来回重复的那次吗？
That's the one.
没错。
I believe you went last, so, uh, please?
我记得上一次最后是你回的，所以... 拜托？
Dr. Cooper, while you were away, we came up with a solution that would allow you to change your field of study.
库伯博士，在你不在的时候，我们想出了让你可以改变研究领域的方法了。
Pouting and running away actually worked.
撅嘴逃跑真的管用啊。
Yeah, I must say, that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me.
不得不说，你可千万记得不要再逼我干嘛了。
So, um, what is the solution?
所以解决方式是什么？
Currently, you're being paid under a grant to specifically research string theory.
目前大学给你的研究基金是只能做特定领域研究的。
If we promote you to junior professor, you'll be able to choose whatever field of research you'd like.
如果我们将你升为初级教授，这样你就能想研究什么就研究什么。
But if I'm a professor, then I'll have to teach a class. That is correct.
但如果我是教授，我就得带学生了。没错。
So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money so that I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists? Yes.
所以你的解决方法就是给我升职、给我加薪，然后让我能把我的学识传授给下一代的科学家们吗？没错。
You people are sick.
你们这帮人真变态。
Hey. Ready to go to lunch?
准备好去吃午饭了吗？
Just give me a minute. I'm stimulating the pleasure cells of this starfish.
再给我一分钟。我在刺激海星的快感细胞。
I just need to turn it off.
等我关了就行了。
What happens if you don't?
如果你不关掉会怎么样？
Then I have to sit through lunch knowing this starfish is having a better day than I am.
那我就得边吃午饭边想着这海星过得比我还"爽"。
Is Bernadette meeting us at the restaurant?
伯纳黛特会在餐厅跟我们碰面吗？
Uh, no. Actually, I didn't invite her.
不会，其实我没叫她。
How come?
为什么？
Well, ever since she helped me get this job, she won't stop bugging me.
自从她介绍了我这份工作她就一直不停地烦我。
Well, I think she just wants you to do well, and she's worried that you won't 'cause you were just a stunningly poor waitress.
她只想你能做好这份工作，而且她也担心你会失败吧。因为你真是个超烂的服务员。
That is not true.
才不是呢。
I'm still waiting on my mini corndogs from two years ago.
我到现在都还在等两年前跟你点的玉米热狗呢。
I told you, they'll be right out.
我跟你说了，很快会给你上。
Okay, so no Bernadette.
好吧，没有伯纳黛特。
Well, you saw her the other night. Am I wrong?
那晚你也看见她那个样子啦。难道是我错吗？
No, I just...I feel kind of uncomfortable talking about her like this.
没有啊，我只是...我觉得这样说她有点不好。
Usually when someone's being talked about behind their back, it's me and it's right in front of my face.
通常有人在背后说其他人坏话时都是说我的坏话，而且还当着我的面说。
I I'm sorry. I just need a little break from her.
抱歉，我只是想躲开她一阵子。
I understand.
我懂。
You know, there is some research that indicates that sharing negative attitudes about a third party can be a powerful bonding force between two friends.
你知道吗，有些研究显示分享对第三方的负面看法能够加深两个朋友之间的友谊吗。
So, what are you saying?
所以你是什么意思？
I'm saying, in the spirit of science, what is that little skank's problem?
我的意思是，为了科学，那个小婊砸到底有啥好不满的？
So, I've been trying to come up with a cute couple's nickname for me and Emily.
我一直想给我和艾米丽取一个可爱的情侣昵称。
What do you like better? Emippali...or Koothrapemily?
你觉得哪一个好？艾米帕里还是库萨帕米丽？
Why is it your last name and her first name?
为什么一定是你的姓和她的名的组合？
Oh, well, her last name is Sweeney, and something just didn't seem right about Koothrapeeney.
她姓斯威尼，库萨帕威尼听起来不大对劲儿。
Hey, how'd it go with human resources?
跟人力资源部谈得怎么样了？
Awful.
很糟糕。
Yeah, they're allowing me to move on from string theory, but they made me a junior professor and are requiring me to teach a class.
虽然他们同意让我研究其他理论，但是他们升我当初级教授还让我去上课。
I don't understand. Why is it bad that you have to teach?
我不明白了。上课有什么不好？
What a stupid question.
愚蠢的问题。
The kids are gonna love him.
学生们绝对会"喜欢"他。
I can't believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what's in their diapers.
我不敢相信我得浪费我的时间照顾一群研究生，他们可能觉得暗物质就是尿片里的屎尿。
This might not be that bad. Uh, you like telling people they're wrong.
没那么糟糕。你喜欢指出别人的错误。
Wrong! Just because I enjoyed that one doesn't mean I always do.
错！我喜欢这么做，并不代表我会想整天这么做。
You enjoy giving people grades.
你喜欢给别人打分。
A valid point, but unoriginal B-minus.
观点正确，但是非原创 B。
And you love the sound of your own voice.
你喜欢你自己的声音。
Yeah, well, of course I do.
对，没错，我喜欢。
Listen to it. It's like an earful of melted caramel.
听听。就像听到了融化的焦糖。
Look, most importantly, this will let you move on and study dark matter.
最重要的是这样你才能继续研究暗物质。
It is true that many of my heroes have taken students under their wings: Feynman, Einstein, Professor X.
我有很多偶像倒是都曾给予过学生帮助[放在翅膀下：费因曼，爱因斯坦，X教授。
Humorously, in the case of Professor X, some of his students actually had wings.
有趣的是，对于X教授来说，他的一些学生还真的有翅膀。
That's rich.
真有意思。
I'll use that one to lighten the mood after my entire class fails the midterm.
等全班学生在期中考试挂科之后我会用这个笑话来逗笑他们。
Measuring starfish serotonin levels in response to one point two molar stimulation of pleasure cells.
通过使用1.2摩尔的快感细胞刺激测量海星的血清素等级。
You like that, don't you?
你喜欢这样对吧？
That's right, say my name.
没错，说我的名字。
Hey, what's going on? Not much.
还好吗？还行。
You want to get a drink later? Just the two of us?
等会儿要去喝一杯吗？就我俩？
No Penny? Not tonight. I'm a little frustrated with her.
不叫佩妮吗？今晚不叫她。我对她有点失望。
Because you got her the job and you think she should be working harder to prepare for it?
因为你帮她找到工作，你觉得她应该好好准备？
So it's not just me. You see it, too!
原来不光是我，你也看到了！
I do, I see it.
对，我也看到了。
It's driving me crazy.
快把我逼疯了。
Just this afternoon, I saw on Instagram that instead of studying, she went out to lunch and got a manicure.
今天下午，我在她的相册里看见她没有好好学习，还跑出去吃午餐，还去做了美甲。
That's outrageous!
太过分了！
I know!
对啊！
If she doesn't do well, th-this could reflect poorly on you.
如果她做不好也会坏了你的名声。
Exactly. Does she not realize it or does she not care?
是啊。她是不知道，还是不在乎？
I don't know.
我不知道。
The important thing is I am here for you so we can mutually disparage this unpleasing third party.
重要的是，我支持你，所以我们可以一起鄙视这个讨厌的第三方。
Hey. We just wanted to see how your class was going. Where is everybody?
我们来看看你的课上得怎么样了。学生呢？
There is no class.
没有学生。
Did you send everyone to the principal's office already?
你这么快就把所有人都送去校长办公室了吗？
No one signed up. Well, that's not your fault.
没人报名。这不是你的错。
I called the department secretary to see what happened.
我打电话问学院秘书是怎么回事。
Apparently, I have a reputation for being obnoxious.
显然，全校的人都认为我很讨厌。
What? Hey, Sheldon, I'm sorry. No, it's fine.
不会吧？谢尔顿，真是抱歉。别，没事的。
Now I can devote all my time to dark matter.
现在我可以全身心投入到暗物质的研究中了。
Aw, you brought cookies for everyone? Oh, yes. Fig Newtons.
你还给大家带了饼干？对 "无花果牛顿"饼干。
I was going to ask them: which scientist both helped to develop calculus and had a famous cookie named after him?
我本来打算问他们，哪个科学家既对微积分有贡献，又有一款饼干以他命名？
And then after someone said "Newton". I was going to tell them they're wrong.
等有人回答"牛顿"。我就告诉他们错了。
The cookies are named after a town in Massachusetts.
这个饼干是用马萨诸塞州的一个镇命名的。
And then I'd throw the cookies away.
然后我再把饼干扔了。
Hey, what if I took your class? Why would you do that?
我来听你的课怎么样？你为什么这么做？
Yeah, why would you do that? What's wrong with you?
你为什么这么做？你脑子出什么问题？
I'm thinking about getting my doctorate, and he wants to teach - why not?
我想拿到博士学位他想要教课，正好啊？
Oh, Howard. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a graduate-level physics class.
霍华德。感谢你的提议，但这是研究生阶段的物理课程。
I don't think you'd understand a single thing I was talking about.
我觉得你根本无法理解我所讲的任何内容。
Ask why not again; I've got an answer.
再问一遍为什么不能来，我有答案了。
Sheldon, I'm more than smart enough to take your class. No. Yes.
谢尔顿，我的智商来听你的课绰绰有余了。不可能。真的。
How would you determine the ground state of a quantum system with no exact solution?
在没有精确解的情况下你如何确定量子系统的基态？
I would guess a wave-function and then vary its parameters until I found the lowest energy solution.
我会任意猜测一个基态波函数，通过更改其参数找出能量最低的量子态。
Do you know how to integrate X squared times E to the minus X, without looking it up?
你知道怎么不查书也能求出x平方乘e到负x的积分？
I'd use Feynman's trick - differentiate under the integral sign. Okay.
我会用费曼的秘诀积分符号内取微分。不错嘛。
What is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics?
量子力学的正确诠释是什么？
Since every interpretation gives exactly the same answer to every measurement, they are all equally correct.
每一种诠释对于每一次测量给出的答案都一样，所以它们同等正确。
However, I know you believe in the Many Worlds Interpretation, so I'll say that. Now do you think I'm smart enough?
但是我知道你支持的是多宇宙诠释，所以我会顺着你说，现在你觉得我够聪明了吗？
No.
不。
Oh, come on. You might've gone to school for a couple more years than me, but guess what-- engineers are just as smart as physicists.
拜托，你也许就比我多上了几年学，但是工程师和物理学家一样聪明。
You take that back! No.
你把这话收回去！不。