"Felipe," I said, "that's the most appealing and romantic offer a man has ever made me." And it was. But still I said no.

"斐利贝，"我说，"这是一个男人给过我最迷人最浪漫的提议。"确是如此。但我依然说不。

He drove me home. Parked in front of my house, we shared a few sweet, salty, sandy day-at-the-ocean kisses. It was lovely. Of course it was lovely. But still, and again, I said no.

他开车送我回家，在我的屋子前停车，我们共享了几个甜美亲吻，带着白昼海滩的咸味与沙子。美好，当然美好。但我依然又一次说不。

"That's fine, darling," he said. "But come over to my house tomorrow night for dinner, and I'll make you a steak."

"没关系，亲爱的，"他说，"明天晚上来我家吃晚饭吧，我做牛排给你吃。"

Then he drove off and I went to bed alone.

而后他开车离去，我独自上床睡觉。

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.

我一向对男人决定得很快。我总是很快坠入情网，未曾衡量风险。我不仅容易看见每个人最好的一面，也假设每个人在情感上都有能力达到最高的潜能。我曾无数次爱上一个男人的最高潜能，而非爱上他本人，而后我久久（时而过久）紧抓住关系，等待这个男人爬升至自身的伟大。在爱情中，我多次成为自己乐观倾向的受害者。

I married young and quick, from a place of love and hope, but without a lot of discussion over what the realities of marriage would mean. Nobody advised me on my marriage. I had been raised by my parents to be independent, self-providing, self-deciding. By the time I reached the age of twenty-four, it was assumed by everyone that I could make all my own choices, autonomously. Of course the world was not always like this. If I'd been born during any other century of Western patriarchy, I would've been considered the property of my fath-er, until which time he passed me over to my husband, to become marital property. I would've had precious little say in the major matters of my own life. At one time in history, if a man had been my suitor, my father might have sat that man down with a long list of questions to estab-lish whether this would be an appropriate match. He would have wanted to know, "How will you provide for my daughter? What is your reputation in this community? How is your health? Where will you take her to live? What are your debts and your assets? What are the strengths of your character?" My father would not have just given me away in marriage to anybody for the mere fact that I was in love with the fellow. But in modern life, when I made the decision to marry, my modern father didn't become involved at all. He would have no more interfered with that decision than he would have told me how to style my hair.

我从爱与希望出发，年纪轻轻就仓促结婚，却极少谈论婚姻的真相。没有人对我提出婚姻的忠告。父母给我的教育是独立、自给自足、自我决定。在我二十四岁时，大家都认为我理当能独立自主地为自己做所有的选择。当然世界并非总是如此运作。倘若我在任何早期西方父权时代出生，我将被视作父亲的财产，直到他把我交付给我的丈夫，成为婚姻财产。我对自己的人生大事将毫无任何发言权。如果在古代，假设一名男子追求我，我的父亲可能和这位男人坐下来，询问一连串问题，以确定是否匹配。他会想知道："你如何供给我的女儿？你在社区中的声望如何？你的健康状况如何？你将让她住在何处？你的负债与资产状况如何？你有哪些人格优点？"我父亲不会只是因为我爱上这个家伙就把我嫁出去。然而在现代人生中，当我决定嫁人时，我的现代父亲毫不干涉。他不会干涉我的决定，就如同他不会干涉我的发型一般。

I have no nostalgia for the patriarchy, please believe me. But what I have come to realize is that, when that patriarchic system was (rightfully) dismantled, it was not necessarily replaced by another form of protection. What I mean is—I never thought to ask a suitor the same challenging questions my father might have asked him, in a different age. I have given myself away in love many times, merely for the sake of love. And I've given away the farm sometimes in that process. If I am to truly become an autonomous woman, then I must take over that role of being my own guardian. Famously, Gloria Steinem once advised women that they should strive to become like the men they had always wanted to marry. What I've only recently realized is that I not only have to become my own husband, but I need to be my own father, too. And this is why I sent myself to bed that night alone. Because I felt it was too soon for me to be receiving a gentleman suitor.

请相信我，我对父权制度毫无怀旧之情。然而我逐渐意识到，当父权制度（名正言顺地）瓦解之时，却未有另一种保护形态取而代之。我是说——我从未想到要跟任何一个追求者提问在另一个时代我父亲可能盘问的问题。我曾多次只为爱情而让自己坠入情网，有时在过程中付出所有。假使我真正想成为一名自主女性，就得全权成为自己的监护人。史坦能（GloriaSteinem）曾劝告妇女应努力变得像自己想嫁的男人。我近来领悟到，我不仅必须变成自己的丈夫，也必须变成自己的父亲。因此那天晚上我独自上床。因为我觉得此刻接受一位君子追求者对我而言太过早。