Big boys don't cry. Suck it up. Shut up and rub some dirt on it.
男孩子不能哭。把眼泪收回去。闭上嘴，把脸擦干净。
Stop crying before I give you something to cry about.
再哭我就动手了。
These are just a few of the phrases that contribute to a disease in our society, and more specifically, in our men.
这些就是导致我们社会问题出现的部分词句，更确切地说，是导致一些男性出现问题的词句。
It's a disease that has come to be known as "toxic masculinity."
这个问题叫做病态的男子气概。
It's one I suffered a chronic case of,
我受它的折磨太久了，
so much so that I spent 24 years of a life sentence in prison for kidnapping, robbery, and attempted murder.
以至于我由于绑架、抢劫还有谋杀未遂被判终身监禁，我已经在牢里呆了24年。
Yet I'm here to tell you today that there's a solution for this epidemic.
但今天，我在这里是想告诉你们，这个问题的解决办法是有的。
I know for a fact the solution works, because I was a part of human trials.
我知道一个有效的办法，因为我亲身试验过。
The solution is a mixture of elements.
这个解决办法是由很多因素构成的。
It begins with the willingness to look at your belief system and how out of alignment it is
首先，你要愿意去审视自己的信仰系统，去看它是怎样漏洞百出，
and how your actions negatively impact not just yourself, but the people around you.
去看你的行为不仅仅对你自己，还对你身边的人造成了多少负面影响。
The next ingredient is the willingness to be vulnerable with people who would not just support you, but hold you accountable.
还有一点就是要对那些支持你、而且让你负责的人去示弱。
But before I tell you about this, I need to let you know that in order to share this, I have to bare my soul in full.
但在此之前我希望你们知道，为了站在这里跟你们分享这些，我要彻底地袒露我的灵魂。
And as I stand here, with so many eyes fixed on me, I feel raw and naked.
我此时站在这里，无数双眼睛注视着我，我感觉自己像是赤身裸体一样。
When this feeling is present, I'm confident that the next phase of healing is on the horizon,
当这种感觉出现时，我就知道帮助自己痊愈的下一个阶段就要到来了，
and that allows me to share my story in full.
我就可以毫无保留的分享我的故事。
For all appearances' sake, I was born into the ideal family dynamic: mother, father, sister, brother.
从表面上来看，我的家庭构成是理想模式：我有母亲、父亲、妹妹和弟弟。
Bertha, Eldra Jr., Taydama and Eldra III. That's me.
他们是贝莎，小艾德拉，泰达马以及艾德拉三世。加上我。
My father was a Vietnam veteran who earned a Purple Heart and made it home to find love, marry, and begin his own brood.
我父亲是越战老兵，曾获得紫心勋章，回到家后，他找到了真爱，结婚了，开始了自己的家庭生活。
So how did I wind up serving life in the California prison system?
那我怎么会在加利福尼亚监狱服刑呢？
Keeping secrets, believing the mantra that big boys don't cry,
我保守秘密，相信男孩长大了就不能再哭这样的教条，
not knowing how to display any emotion confidently other than anger,
不知道怎样正确地表达愤怒以外的情绪，
participating in athletics and learning that the greater the performance on the field,
我参加运动，然后发现你在运动场上表现的越好，
the less the need to worry about the rules off it.
你越不需要在意下场后的规则。
It's hard to pin down any one specific ingredient of the many symptoms that ailed me.
很难从这些东西中找出唯一确定的那个导致我变成这样的缘由。
Growing up as a young black male in Sacramento, California in the 1980s,
20世纪80年代，作为一个年轻的黑人男性，我在加利福尼亚的萨克拉门托长大，
there were two groups I identified as having respect: athletes and gangsters.
我认为最受尊敬的人群有两个：运动员和黑帮。
I excelled in sports, that is until a friend and I chose to take his mom's car for a joyride and wreck it.
我在运动方面很有天赋，直到有一次我和朋友开着他妈妈的车出去玩，结果把车撞毁了。
With my parents having to split the cost of a totaled vehicle,
我父母不得不分摊一辆报废汽车的费用，
I was relegated to a summer of household chores and no sports.
让我负责一整个夏天的家务，我就没有时间参与运动项目了。
No sports meant no respect. No respect equaled no power. Power was vital to feed my illness.
没有运动就意味着不受尊重。不受尊重就意味着没有权力。而权力对治好我的病来说至关重要。
It was at that point the decision to transition from athlete to gangster was made and done so easily.
于是就在那时，我决定要从运动员变成一个古惑仔，这一身份的转变非常轻松。
Early life experiences had set the stage for me to be well-suited to objectify others,
少时的经历让我很好地适应了这样的生活，我物化他人，
act in a socially detached manner, and above all else, seek to be viewed as in a position of power.
行事不讲道理，除了这些，我很适应别人把我当做掌权者看待。
A sense of power equaled strength in my environment,
权力感在那个环境里就意味着优势，
but more importantly, it did so in my mind. My mind dictated my choices.
更重要的是，我自己也是那么想的。而我的思想主宰了我的选择。
My subsequent choices put me on the fast track to prison life.
我随后的种种选择很快把我送进了监狱。
And even once in prison, I continued my history of running over the rights of others,
即使是在监狱里，我也继续着我侵犯他人争取权利的历史，
even knowing that that was the place that I would die.
即使我知道自己将会死在那里。
Once again, I wound up in solitary confinement for stabbing another prisoner nearly 30 times.
又一次，我因为捅了一个囚犯快30刀而被单独拘禁。
I'd gotten to a place where I didn't care how I lived or if I died.
我不在乎自己在那里会过什么样的生活或者是否还会活着。
But then, things changed.
但就在那时，事情发生了改变。
One of the best things that happened in my life to that point was being sent to New Folsom Prison.
那段时间发生的最好的事就是我被送进新福尔松监狱。
Once there, I was approached to join a group called Inside Circle.
我刚到那就参加了一个叫做圈内的小组。
Initially, I was hesitant to join a group referred to around the yard as "hug-a-thug."
一开始，我是很犹豫要不要加入一个活动主要是拥抱坏蛋这样的小组的。
Initially, yeah, that was a little much, but eventually, I overcame my hesitancy.
一开始，对我来说有点难以接受，但最后我战胜了犹豫。
As it turned out, the circle was the vision of a man named Patrick Nolan,
我后来得知，这个活动是由一个叫帕特里克·诺兰的人提出的，
who was also serving life and who had grown sick
他也在监狱服刑，但是他生了病，
and tired of being sick and tired of watching us kill one another over skin color, rag color,
懒得再看我们因为肤色，因为衣服颜色，
being from Northern or Southern California, or just plain breathing in the wrong direction on a windy day.
因为来自南加利福尼亚还是北加利福尼亚，或仅仅因为在起风的时候站在了错误的方向呼吸而打打杀杀。
Circle time is men sitting with men and cutting through the bullshit, challenging structural ways of thinking.
座谈会就是一群人坐在一起，不聊废话，而是讨论结构思维。
I think the way that I think and I act the way that I act because I hadn't questioned that.
我一向是随便想，随便做，从来没思考过原因。

Like, who said I should see a woman walking down the street, turn around and check out her backside?
比如，是谁说的如果你看见一个女的在街上走，你应该回头去看她的屁股？
Where did that come from? If I don't question that, I'll just go along with the crowd.
这种想法是从哪里来的？如果我不问这个问题，也许我只会直接走进人群。
The locker-room talk. In circle, we sit and we question these things.
它来自更衣室谈话。我们围坐在一起问起这些问题。
Why do I think the way that I think? Why do I act the way that I act?
我为什么会这么想？我为什么会这么做？
Because when I get down to it, I'm not thinking, I'm not being an individual,
但当我真正去做这件事时，我就不再思考了，我不是一个个体，
I'm not taking responsibility for who I am and what it is I put into this world.
我不为自己是谁或自己对这个世界做了什么负责。
It was in a circle session that my life took a turn.
座谈会让我的生活发生了转折。
I remember being asked who I was, and I didn't have an answer,
我记得有人问我我是谁，我不知道答案，
at least not one that felt honest in a room full of men who were seeking truth.
至少在面对这满屋的追求真理的人时我没有答案。
It would have been easy to say, "I'm a Blood," or, "My name is Vegas,"
要说出我姓布拉德或者我叫维加斯，
or any number of facades I had manufactured to hide behind.
或者说出我自己编织的任何一层伪装很容易。
It was in that moment and in that venue that the jig was up.
就在那里，就在那一刻，我觉得完了。
I realized that as sharp as I believed I was, I didn't even know who I was or why I acted the way that I acted.
我深深地意识到并相信我根本不知道自己是谁，也不知道自己为什么做出那些举动。
I couldn't stand in a room full of men who were seeking to serve and support and present an authentic me.
我无法站在这样一个满是想要帮助我支持我的人的房间里展现真正的我。
It was in that moment that I graduated to a place within that was ready for transformation.
就在那一刻，我毕业进入了一个准备转型的地方。
For decades, I kept being the victim of molestation at the hands of a babysitter a secret.
几十年来，我一直把曾遭受一个保姆的性骚扰当做一个秘密。
I submitted to this under the threat of my younger sister being harmed.
我向她屈服是因为她威胁我如果我拒绝，她就去伤害我的小妹妹。
I was seven, she was three. I believed it was my responsibility to keep her safe.
我那时7岁，妹妹3岁。我认为自己有责任要保证她的安全。
It was in that instant that the seeds were sown for a long career of hurting others, be it physical, mental or emotional.
就在那时我身上种下了一颗伤害别人的种子，无论是身体上，还是精神上或情绪上的伤害。
I developed, in that instant, at seven years old, the belief that going forward in life,
我那时才7岁，在那刻却已经有了那个长久地存在我的生命中的想法，
if a situation presented itself where someone was going to get hurt, I would be the one doing the hurting.
如果有一种情况会让人受伤，那我就会是那个动手的人。
I also formulated the belief that loving put me in harm's way.
我相信了是爱迫使我去伤害。
I also learned that caring about another person made me weak.
我还相信关心别人会让自己变得软弱。
So not caring, that must equal strength.
所以不在乎，就等于力量。
The greatest way to mask a shaky sense of self is to hide behind a false air of respect.
最好的隐藏我虚无内心的办法，就是藏在别人虚假的尊重后面。
Sitting in circle resembles sitting in a fire. It is a crucible that can and does break.
坐在人群中就像是坐在一堆火里一样。我就像那只会破碎的并且已经碎掉的坩埚。
It broke my old sense of self, diseased value system and way of looking at others.
它打破了旧的自我，病态的价值观以及看待他人的方式。
My old stale modes of thinking were invited into the open to see if this is who I wanted to be in life.
我陈腐的思维模式被摆到台前，让我审视这是否是我想要成为的样子。
I was accompanied by skilled facilitators on a journey into the depths of myself
有经验丰富的导师陪我走进我的内心，
to find those wounded parts that not only festered but seeped out to create unsafe space for others.
去找到那些伤口，它们不仅已经溃烂，还溢出来想要去伤害别人。
At times, it resembled an exorcism, and in essence, it was.
有时我觉得这就像驱魔一样，但其实它的本质就是驱魔。
There was an extraction of old, diseased ways of thinking, being and reacting and an infusion of purpose.
旧的、病态的思维方式、存在方式和反应方式被提取出来，目的被灌输进去。
Sitting in those circles saved my life.
参加这些座谈会拯救了我。
I stand here today as a testament to the fact of the power of the work.
我今天站在这里就是为了证实它的好处。
I was paroled in June 2014,
2014年6月我被假释，
following my third hearing before a panel of former law-enforcement officials who were tasked with determining my current threat level to society.
几个前法官评判了我对社会的威胁等级，之后我参加了第三次听证会。
I stand here today for the first time since I was 14 years old not under any form of state supervision.
我今天站在这里，这是我从14岁以来第一次在没有任何监管人员的情况下站上台。
I'm married to a tremendous woman named Holly,
我娶了一个很好的女人，她叫霍利，
and together, we are raising two sons who I encourage to experience emotions in a safe way.
我们有两个儿子，我会鼓励他们用安全的方式去感受自己的情绪。
I let them hold me when I cry. They get to witness me not have all the answers.
我哭得时候会让他们抱着我。他们也知道我并不能知晓一切问题的答案。
My desire is for them to understand that being a man is not some machismo caricature,
我想让他们知道，作为男性并不是像热血漫画里那样的，
and that characteristics usually defined as weaknesses are parts of the whole healthy man.
那些人们认为是软弱的东西也帮助构成了一个完整的健康的人。
So today, I continue to work not just on myself, but in support of young males in my community.
所以现在，我也在继续努力，不仅仅是我一个人，还有我们团体里的一些年轻男性。
The challenge is to eradicate this cycle of emotional illiteracy
我们的目的是消除这种造成情感空白的恶性循环，
and groupthink that allows our males to continue to victimize others as well as themselves.
以及让男性一起来思考这种害人害己的思想。
As a result of this, they develop new ways of how they want to show up in the world
现在，他们已经展现出了自己想要在世界上出现的新方式，
and how they expect this world to show up on their behalf. Thank you.
以及他们如何期待这个世界代表他们出现。谢谢大家。