Ladies and gentlemen, as I'm sure you know there was some big primaries over the weekend.
女士们先生们 你们一定知道本周的几场选举结果了
And the candidates are continuing to drop like flies.
候选人一个个落选 像是从空中落下的飞虫一样
One person, however, who refuses to let go is Mr. Ben Carson.
然而有一个人 到了现在依然不肯放弃
Because after coming in dead last in the South Carolina primary,
在南卡罗来纳州的选举中失败后
Ben Carson know noticed that he received as many delegates as all other candidates but the winner.
本·卡森发现他获得了跟除获胜候选人之外其他候选人一模一样的票数
Which to be clear is zero.
简单地说 就是0票
I mean that's like me saying I have just as many Oscars as Leonardo DiCaprio.
这就像是我说 我跟莱昂纳多·迪卡普里奥获得过一样多的奥斯卡奖杯
I have no idea what that reaction was. I was making—
我完全不理解你为什么是这个反应 我只是——
you get the joke, right. I'm saying—odd crowd.
你听懂我的玩笑了吗 我是说——怪人
What I'm saying is me and Leo are basically the same person.
我是说 本质上来讲 我跟小李子是一样的
But Ben Carson simply won't take the hint.
但是本·卡森就听不懂这种暗示
He's like the guy, I have no idea why you reacted like that.
他就觉得 我完全不知道你为什么是这种反应
Of all the reactions, I'm still trying to work it out.
不管怎样 我还是会努力的
He hasn't won any Oscars, he probably will win on Sunday. It's not even a joke.
虽然他没拿过奥斯卡 但可能周日他就拿到了啊 他说这话可不是在开玩笑
You can see why Ben Carson is not doing well.
大家都很清楚为什么本· 卡森会在选举中失利
People want a more modern and progressive candidate like John Kasich
人们更希望总统候选人能像约翰·卡西奇一样与时俱进而且有上进心
who over the weekend said, lots of women have left their kitchens to work on his campaign.
约翰周末说到 很多女性不再只忙于家务 而是出来上班 目的是支持他
Wow. I mean yeah, that will certainly help the upcoming presidential election of 1956.
哇 说的没错 这样确实是可以帮到即将到来的1956年的总统大选

That's right, John. Women leave their kitchens.
说的没错啊约翰 女性都走出厨房不再只忙家务
Irishman leave their bottles of whiskey
就像爱尔兰人不再喝威士忌
and Italians leave their big bowls of pasta like their mama used to make, huh?
意大利人不再热爱他们妈妈做的意大利面一样哈
But it's hard to compete with the republicans leading candidate Donald Trump.
但就算这样 想跟共和党候选人唐纳德·特朗普抗衡还是很艰难的
I mean how could you when he turns this into a victory.
看到这一幕 你还怎么能跟他竞争呢
They were probably sent here so that we put them in our jails
他们可能会来美国 那我们就把他们关进监狱
because to put them in their jails, they didn't pay the electric bill.
这样他们就不用付电费了
Oh, I like that much better. Oh.
哇 这样好多了
No, get those lights off.
不要灯 把灯关掉
Turn them off. Let's go, ready?
把灯关掉 好吗
Turn off the lights. Turn off the lights. Turn off the lights.
关灯 关灯 关灯
Turn them off.
关灯
Turn off the lights. Turn off the lights. Turn off the lights.
关灯 关灯 关灯
Turn off the lights.
关灯
So that sounds like Donald Trump's wife on sex night.
听起来像是唐纳德·特朗普的老婆上床时会说的话
The truth is those lights going out is about as black as a Trump Rally is ever going to get.
这些灯关掉之后 黑暗的现场就像是特朗普政策下的美国
The saddest news, do you just make that reaction to any joke?
最可怕的是 你们刚这个反应是以为我在开玩笑吗
Because I want to see—oh.
因为我想——哦
But the saddest news from the GOP is that on Saturday a dear friend of the show,
最可怕的是 共和党传来消息 本周六 我们节目一位亲爱的朋友
a dear friend of America Jeb Bush announced that he will suspend his presidential campaign after it failed to meet expectations.
美国人民的朋友杰布·布什宣布 由于竞选结果并未达到预期 他将退出本次总统大选
And you just know that Jeb's in therapy right now saying my brother was a two-term president.
杰布正在接受心理治疗 他说 我的哥哥担任过两届美国总统
And I lost to the guy who fired Bret Micheal on the Apprentice.
而我却输给我那个在明星学徒中开除了布雷特·迈克尔的家伙
Speaking of his brother, George W. Bush was a little confused why Jeb quit because he was losing.
说到弟弟 乔治·布什有点不明白为什么杰布因为输了竞选 就选择退出
Because as far as George W. Bush is concerned,
因为在他看来
you still become president even when you don't get the most votes.
就算你没拿到大多数选票 你还是可以当总统啊
But in all seriousness—
但是讲真的——
All joking aside, honestly from the bottom of our hearts we're going to miss you, Jeb.
不开玩笑 从心底讲 我们会想你的 杰布
Honestly some days it felt like you were only doing it for us. It did.
说真的 有时候会感觉你是唯一一个为我们考虑的候选人 真的
In a sea of candidates where one man cooks bacon on a gun and another tried to stamp his friend,
在那么多候选人里 有的人用枪烤培根 有的人用刀捅朋友
somehow you've created so many more memorable moments.
而你给了我们那么多值得纪念的时刻
Let's take a minute to remember the Jeb that we all know and love.
让我们花一分钟时间 来悼念下我们亲爱的杰布
And I've decided I'm a candidate for president of the United States of America.
我决定 我要参加美国总统竞选
Promoting supergirl, she looked pretty hot.
那个女孩子 她打扮的超级性感
My watch can't be talking.
不可能是我的手表在讲话啊
Is it my watch?
真的吗
Hello? I'll call you back.
你好 我一会儿给你打回来
That's the coolest thing in the world.
这简直太酷了
That you could go back to time and kill—would you, I need to know.
如果你可以回到过去 给你杀掉希特勒的机会——你会 我想知道
Hell yeah I would, the people of Iowa and New Hampshire and South Carolina have spoken
当然啊 爱荷华 新罕布什尔州和南卡罗来纳州的美国公民已经说出了他们的想法
so tonight I'm suspending my campaign.
那么今晚开始 我的竞选之路将到此为止
Yeah, yeah.
对 是的
Please clap.
请给我点掌声
We're going to miss you, man.
我们会想你的