I love thinking about leveraging the laws of likability when giving feedback.

在给反馈时 我喜欢利用亲和力法则

Because feedback is only effective if somebody can receive it.

因为只有别人能接受的反馈才算有效

So you want to present feedback, I say, on a silver platter and not on a garbage can lid.

所以你想让别人对你的反馈洗耳恭听 而不是弃如敝履

You have to remember it’s not about your communication style, It’s about theirs.

你得记住 重要的不是你的沟通方式 而是他们的

The best way to develop your people is to flex to them, to empower them, to adapt your style to what they need.

影响你的人最好的方式就是迎合他们 赋予他们权力 把你的风格调整成他们需要的风格

That’s a manager. That’s a leader. That’s a coach.

那才是经理 才是领导人 是教练

So if they’re somebody who really likes direct feedback even if it’s something you’re not comfortable with

所以如果他们是那种很喜欢直接反馈的人 即便是一些不好听的话

they will respect and be able to take it in better if you can just get to the point.

那么如果你能说中要害 他们也会尊重你 愿意接受你的反馈

If you’re somebody who’s really direct and they need a little bit more tact and diplomacy,

如果你是那种很直接的人 但他们却更喜欢委婉圆滑一些

then you’re going to need to massage your messaging so, again, it can be heard.

那么你就得加工一下你的信息 他们还是能听进去

There’s a correlation between the speed at which somebody receives that feedback and the importance that they place on it.

某人收到反馈的速度和他们给反馈施加的重要性之间有一定的关联

When you delay feedback, you delay the value you’re placing on it.

如果你推迟了反馈 你就会降低它的价值

So, immediacy is important.

所以即时性很重要

Now, not in the exact moment; let them have a moment to breathe.

并不是说要当时立马反馈；给他们点喘息的时间

But don’t wait more than a day, if you can, if it’s really crucial.

但如果可以 如果它真的很重要 那就不要超过一天

You had that weekly meeting; sometimes it will fade from your memory by that point.

你刚召开周会；有时候它会慢慢从你的记忆中淡化

It becomes less important to you and to them.

它对你对他们而言都不那么重要了

So make sure you give that feedback quickly and specifically.

所以要确保能快速精准地给出反馈

Don’t just say, 'Oh, I think it went well.' Tell them why you thought it went well.

不要只是说“哦 我觉得不错” 告诉他们你为什么觉得好

What specifically they did that you thought went well.

他们具体做的哪些事让你觉得好

And then challenge them with the next opportunity.

然后再给他们个机会 让他们接受挑战

Give them something to keep growing from.

让他们有历练的机会

So if you think about the most important law of likability it’s the law of curiosity.

想想亲和力法则最重要的一点 那就是好奇法则

And I have a model that you can use to walk through any challenging or feedback conversation that will leverage these laws of likability, starting with curiosity.

我有一个模式 可以让你在面对任何挑战或反馈对话时都能利用亲和力法则 首先就从好奇开始

Curiosity creates connections and connection is important in these conversations

好奇能产生联系 而联系在这些对话中很重要

because when you are receiving feedback you’re considering your source.

因为当你在接受反馈时 你会考虑你的反馈来源

And when you don’t value, trust or like source then you might not be really willing to take that information in.

如果你不重视 不相信或不喜欢这个来源 那你可能就不愿意接收这些信息

So the model has four parts: ask, elaborate, empower, collaborate.

所以这个模式有四部分：询问 阐述 授权 合作

'Ask' is going to leverage that law of curiosity.

“询问”会利用好奇法则

Start with a question and make sure that question is open-ended.

先问个问题 确保这个问题是开放式的

It’s not, you know: 'Do you think that went well?'

不要问“你觉得那顺利吗？”

Which is implying that you don’t think that went well.

这么问会暗示你觉得它不顺利

Instead, you ask: 'How do you think it went? What do you think went well?

相反 应该问“你觉得它怎么样？你觉得哪里好？

What do you think could have gone better?' And get them talking.

你觉得哪里还可以改进？” 然后让他们去发表意见

That’s the key to opening up a feedback conversation, it’s to get the information from them.

这是开启反馈对话的关键 要从他们那里获取信息

It actually makes it easier on you as a manager because you see where they’re at, what they already know.

作为经理 这其实会让你更容易一些 因为你能看出来他们在想什么 他们已经知道了什么

They’re bringing information in the room and you can determine,

他们带来了信息 而你可以决定

'Oh, we’re about on the same page,' or 'We have completely different views of the situation.'

“哦 我们想的差不多”或者“我们对这件事的看法截然相反”

And that will help kind of tweak the information that you need to bring into the room.

这有助于调整你带来的信息

Oftentimes people are much harder on themselves than you will ever be on them.

很多时候 人们对自己要求比你对他们的要求要严得多

When you ask, the next law of likability is the most important thing: you have to listen.

当你问问题的时候 下一个亲和力法则是最重要的：你得认真倾听

So, listen for the understanding, listen for the concern, listen for a different view or interpretation of the situation.

所以 要倾听他们的理解 他们的担忧 倾听不同的观点或对情况的另一种看法

Because we know we’re coming in with a belief about what happened.

因为我们知道我们是要讨论发生的事情

We need to try to check that assumption at the door and listen for other possibilities, other narratives.

我们需要核对一下假设 倾听其他可能性 其他说法

All right, so we’ve asked, we’ve listened. Now it’s your turn as the manager. Ask, elaborate.

好 我们问过了 听过了 作为经理 现在轮到你了 讯问 阐述

This is your chance to add information that you might have heard collected from other sources. Be additive.

现在该是你补充你从其它来源收集到的一些信息了 添加信息

Don’t say, 'Well I heard...' Instead, you’ll say, 'Additionally, I received information from so and so, and this and that,'

不要说“我听说...” 应该说“另外 我从某某处得到信息 等等等等”

and you’re bringing in that information: 'My perspective of...' and it could be elevating them.

你带来那些信息 “我的看法...” 这也许会振奋他们

Feedback isn’t always negative.

反馈并不总是消极的

You don’t have to brace them and you don’t have to brace yourself.

你不需要激励他们 也不需要激励自己

Feedback is simply information, and it’s information that you want to make somebody able to use and put into action.

反馈只是信息而已 是你想让别人使用并付诸实践的信息

So that is the first half of the conversation.

所以那是对话的第一部分

Before you move on to the second half what I want you to think about are root causes.

在进入第二部分之前 我想让你们思考下根本原因

What are the root causes and the reasons that it went so well?

事情进展顺利的根本原因是什么？

What are the root causes and the reasons that it didn’t to so well?

事情进展不顺的根本原因是什么？？

Is there something that’s underlying that can help us in the second half of this conversation where we’re looking for the solutions?

有没有一些深层次的东西能在寻求解决办法的第二部分对话中帮到我们？

Did you not have training? Did you not have authority?

你没有训练过吗？你没有权力吗？

Did you not have budget? What happened?

你没有预算吗？发生了什么？

Let’s evaluate that before we move on.

在继续之前我们先评估一下这些

Now, you’re going to throw it back to the other person.

现在你要把话语权让给另一个人了

You’re going to empower them.

让他们拥有权力

Get them to throw the ideas out of what they think the next step should be.

让他们尽情说出他们觉得下一步应该怎么做

So, 'What would you do differently next time?'

“下一次你会有什么不同的做法？”

or 'How do you think we can move forward from here?' are great questions to start the empower phase.

或“你觉得我们下一步应该怎么做？” 这些就是开启授权阶段的好问题

As we empower them and bring those ideas you have to be very careful at that last stage of the conversation where you’re collaborating,

我们授权和说出这些想法的时候 在对话最后的合作阶段一定要非常小心

because as the manager, as the leader, when you put your idea out there they’re just going to defer.

因为作为经理 作为领导人 如果你把自己的想法说出来 那他们就只会服从

So build off of their ideas: 'I love that.

所以要结合他们的观点“我喜欢

I think in addition you could also do this or maybe even switch the order.

我觉得除此以外 你还可以这么做 或者调换一下顺序

What do you think?'

你觉得呢？”

The collaboration isn’t a dictation. The collaboration is the exchange.

合作并不是听 而是交流

Now another key thing that can happen in that last phase of the feedback,

反馈最后阶段的另一个关键是

especially when things might not have gone the way that you wanted, is to leverage the law of similarity.

尤其是在事情没有按你预想的方式发展的时候 就要利用相似法则

By sharing an experience that you went through that might be similar to what they’re experiencing, you create a teachable moment.

跟他们分享一个你觉得和他们的经历相似的经历 这样就可以营造出教学氛围

You build trust. When you’re vulnerable with your employees you actually increase your credibility.

你会建立起信任 当你在员工面前显现出脆弱性时 其实你是提高了自己的可信度

So remember vulnerability is not about weakness. It’s about openness.

所以记住 脆弱不是软弱 而是坦诚

So share the story of how when things didn’t go so well for you what you did, what you learned, how it went and let them know it’s okay.

所以跟他们分享事情不顺时你是怎么做的 你学到了什么 结果如何 让他们知道这没关系

We all make mistakes and we can still get to the positions that you’re in.

人人都会犯错 但我们依然能抵达现在所在的位置

And the last thing to remember is the law of likability called mood memory.

要记住的最后一件事就是 叫做情绪记忆的亲和力法则

Because if they walk away from that conversation not feeling good, they’re going to want to throw out all of the information that they’ve received.

因为如果他们结束对话的时候心情很糟 那他们就会忘记自己接收到的所有信息

So mood memory is that people remember more how you make them feel than anything that you said.

所以情绪记忆就是指 人们更多记得的是你给他们的感受而不是你说话的内容

So ensure that you are being action oriented; feedback is not about berating somebody or punishing.

所以要确保你是在引导他们去行动；反馈并不是为了斥责或惩罚某人

You focus on the past to make a plan for the future. That’s feedback.

你回顾过去 规划未来 这才是反馈