Oh, boy. And on top of everything else this weekend, I stubbed my toe.
天啊 这周末最重要的事就是 我磕到脚指头了
Oh, bad though. You know what that's like when you stub your toe, don't you?
太疼了 大家知道磕到脚指头是什么感觉吧？
Like, on a piece of metal, and I was barefoot and it bled, and it kept bleeding, and long story short-- prosthetic leg.
撞到一块金属上面了 我光着脚 流血了 流了很多血 长话短说吧 我换了个假腿
Right here, that's it. Here's what happened. So I was hanging a piece of art in the gym,
这就是 是这样 我当时在健身房挂一张艺术品
and by art, I mean a poster of a cat saying hang in there, baby, like this, but it was framed, so it's nice.
我说的艺术品是指一只猫说“撑住 宝贝儿” 就像这样 但是它被裱起来了 特别好看

And so I walked into the room and the metal leg from my exercise bench was sticking out and I jammed my toe on it.
我走进屋里 我那个锻炼椅的金属脚突出来了 然后我的脚就撞上去了
Blinding pain. Blinding pai-- I didn't know if it was broken.
快疼死了 疼死 我都不知道脚是不是破了
I couldn't feel how many toes were involved. They were just mashed together.
也感觉不到有几个脚指头受牵连了 它们都被撞的稀碎了
This little piggy went in that direction.
这个小指头翘到这边
This little piggy-- all the piggies went-- and it was a mess, and the toes don't deserve that.
那个指头 所有脚趾 真是一团糟啊 为啥要这样对待我的脚趾头们
They really don't. I love my toes. I need-- I wiggle them, and I use them to walk.
太不该了 我可喜欢自己的脚趾头了 我喜欢晃动它们 用它们来走路
I use them to count to 20. Since-- this is a daytime show, so I will not repeat the language that I used,
还要用它们数到20 因为这是日间秀 所以我就不一味重复说过的话了
but let's just say that the way that President Trump feels about Haiti, that's how I feel about my exercise bench.
我们就说特朗普总统对待海地的态度吧 那就是我对我锻炼椅的感觉
That's right. I said the s-word, I said the f-word, I said the LGBTQ words.
没错 我说了S那个词 说了F那个词（都是脏话） 还说了同性恋说的话
I made up a z-word. Like I said, when I looked down, my toe was bleeding, so I put some ice on it.
我还自创了个Z词 我低头看的时候 脚趾在流血 所以就放了些冰在上面
Like, one of those big chunks of ice. You know, the fancy ones like that you put whiskey on because I'm rich.
一大坨冰 特豪华 和威士忌一块喝的那种 因为我富可敌国
That's the kind of ice I have, and then I took the ice off and I was still bleeding and I got mad at the exercise bench.
我只有那种冰 然后我把冰块拿下来 但它还在流血 所以我就很生锻炼椅的气
That's what happens. That's what you do, you blame the object.
就是那样 我们都会那样做 会去怪那个东西
You're like, you did that on purpose.
你会说 你就是故意的
You've been-- you know, and you're going to sit in the corner and think about what you've done.
你滚去角落里待着 好好反省一下吧
I'm not going to use you for a long time.
你可有很长一段时间要被晾在一边了
You don't to admit that what really happened is you tripped over something and that's the exact same place it's been all along.
你不会承认事实就是你被一个走过无数遍的地方给绊倒了
I did learn an important lesson, though.
不过我倒是学到了教训
You should never walk around barefoot, and you should always wear a pair of my ED By Ellen shoes.
一定不要光脚走路 应该一直穿着艾伦的ED鞋
Yeah. You know, they're not just stylish. They're a safety device that can help prevent serious bodily injury.
对 它们不光很时尚 还能保护你的身体免受伤害呢
I'm probably legally not allowed to say that, but-- but you should get a pair anyway.
可能我那么说不合法 不过 大家应该买一双