I'm so excited about our next guest, here making her network television standup debut with us tonight.
很荣幸邀请到我们的下一位嘉宾 今晚她将会在我们节目进行首次网络电视脱口秀表演
Her new one hour special Amy Schumer presents Rachel Feinstein, Only Whores Wear Purple premier this Saturday night on comedy central.
她的新电影 由艾米·舒默和瑞秋·费因斯坦主演的妓女才穿紫 本周六晚将在喜剧中心上映
Please welcome the brilliant, the incredible, Rachel Feinstein.
掌声送给我们的瑞秋·费因斯坦
Thank you. Thank you, guys. It's good to be here.
谢谢 谢谢你们 很高兴能来这里
I just broke up with my boyfriend and now I'm here.
我最近跟我男朋友分手了 所以我来了
And yeah, I know, but you can—you can trick yourself into thinking you are in a good relationship if you are watching a good series with that person.
我明白——看剧的时候你可以骗自己 你跟跟你一起看剧的这个人关系很好
It's like it's not the relationships that's good, it's the show you are watching together.
但实际上 好的不是你们之间的关系 而是你们一起看的这部剧
I was with a wild alcoholic for like four years just because we were watching Breaking Bad and I got confused.
我跟一个酒鬼在一起四年 就因为我们一起看绝命毒师 我就被迷惑了
He was a guterhal drunk.
他经常喝醉
Yeah, we would fight a lot.
我们经常吵架

One of our big fights is he would get mad at me,
有一次他特别生气
every time we hooked up he always wanted me to do a sexy dance for him.
因为每次我们在一起的时候 他都叫我跳性感的舞给他看
We had a lot of fights about this dance he requested.
而关于跳什么舞这个问题 我们又经常争吵
I will put on lingerie but I am not going to do a jig, it's too ridiculous.
对我来说 只穿内衣可以 但我拒绝穿着内衣跳吉格舞 太搞笑了
I'm like this is not America's Got Talent.
我觉得 这又不是美国达人秀
I don't have some sort of a jazzy number I'm going to prepare for you.
我又没有号码牌
Finally I just put on a bikini and I did the Charleston?
最后我穿着比基尼跳了查尔斯顿
He was disgusted.
他被我恶心到了
Fully flacid. Fully flacid.
整个人都颓了
By the time I was done Charlestoning, something about those jazz hands that—
跳舞的时候 中间还有一些这样的手势……
I finally did give him a lap dance but I think it was confusing for him because I was also singing a lot of Yidish show tunes.
我后面还是跳了大腿舞 但我觉得他应该还是不太满意 因为我唱的歌是依地语的歌
I was grinding on him which I thought was a fair compromise but I was also going your smile is my umbrella.
我对他挺无情的 但我那时候认为自己已经做出了妥协 我会唱你的笑是我的保护伞
How much is that doggy in the window.
橱窗里那只小狗多少钱
I sing a lot of songs from fiddler on the roof, if I were a rich man.
我还唱了很多屋顶上的小提琴手里面的歌 如果我变得有钱
He was just weeping, weeping by the time his lap dance was complete.
我舞跳完的时候 他哭的很惨
He is no longer aroused by women.
他以后对女人都没兴趣了
That is how I leave most men, just no longer interested in women.
我跟很多男人分手的时候 他们都这样了 从此对女人失去兴趣
I went home to visit my parents for awhile. I just needed to get away.
我之前还回去看了我父母 只是为了逃避这些问题
I don't know if anybody feels like this.
不知道有没有人跟我一样
When I go home I'm okay for like six minutes and then I just feel like weirdly furious, you know.
回家后 开心不过六分钟 就开始莫名其妙的很生气 你懂得
And then I eat like an aggressive amount of pie.
然后我就吃很多的馅饼
I just want to pie myself through the weekend.
并试图让自己整个周末都陷在馅饼中
My mom's very overwhelming. I don't know if anybody has a parent that does this.
我妈妈特别让人受不了 不知道你们的父母是不是也这样
My mom talks to like every stranger in public.
她会跟碰到的几乎每个陌生人讲话
She just sort of likes to stop people and have what she thinks are these real jazzy moments with people. You know?
她会把人拦下来 跟他们说话 她自己很享受这样的时间觉得很酷
I'm like they're not having the moment with her. That is what I want her to understand.
我觉得他们都不是很愿意跟我妈讲话 我希望她能明白
Like people listen her, they usually look like they just feel soiled somehow.
大家听她说话时 感觉像是被什么不好的东西粘上了一样
They are usually backed up against a wall of some sort.
通常他们都会紧贴着墙
And she walks away from every exchange like well, that was fantastic.
她结束对话时总是说 哇 太好了
What a—what a rockin' time we had together. I'm like he doesn't feel safe.
刚才——刚才跟你聊的真的很开心 但我觉得这位路人应该很紧张
Yeah, everything about her is too much.
她的很多事都让人受不了
She's always wearing some sort of a long menopausal cape.
他总是穿着更年期妇女穿的长斗篷
She just loves a long beaded and a half a hoe cape.
她特别喜欢那种缀着珠子的斗篷
She just looks at herself and she thinks I'm worth it I'm worth a four pound Navajo cloak.
她看着自己 觉得自己可以穿斗篷 自己完全可以穿4英镑的纳瓦霍斗篷
Her newest thing is she likes to kind of let people know that she's very liberal
还有一件事 她特别喜欢向别人展示自己自由开放的思想
and sort of just like kind of culturally aware and sort of down with things, culturally.
比如在文化方便可以接纳很多不同方面
But she will end up sounding vaguely racist.
但最后说出来的话总是像个种族主义者
Like she has decided she thinks when we go out to a Latin restaurant
比如 她去拉丁裔人开的餐馆
that it is somehow respectful to order in a Spanish accent. You know.
就觉得用西班牙口音点菜会显得非常尊重他们的文化
I'm like I don't know where you have collected this idea but you've got to stop. It's not acceptable.
我觉得 不知道你们是从哪听来这么一说 但我觉得你们以后不能这么干了 太没道理了
We're at this restaurant, the waiter, I felt so sad for him.
我们到了饭店 我真的很心疼那个服务员
He seemed like a lovely, reasonable man.
他看起来很可爱 而且明事理
He had no idea what was about to happen to him.
他还完全不知道会发生什么
He said something so mild he said can I get anything for you?
他特别温柔的问 有什么可以帮到您的吗
My mom goes I love Latino culture.
我妈妈说 我特别热爱拉丁文化
She goes it's so invigorating.
拉丁文化特别的鼓舞人
He was just glaring at her like you awful white bitch.
服务员就看着她 眼神中写着 闭嘴吧你这个白人婊子
My mom is like this close to his face and she goes I'll have the Taco Al Carbon and then she did like a Latin dance.
我妈妈就隔他这么近 说 我要一份墨西哥玉米卷 然后还跳了一只拉丁裔的舞
She did a Latin dance.
她还跳了一只拉丁裔的舞
And then she goes, she goes you would have a wonderful time in Nicaragua.
然后说 你在尼加拉瓜应该住的很开心吧
We went there recently and what a fabulous time we had.
我们最近去过那里 在那里度过了一段愉快的时光
I was like why would the Mexican waiter care about your Nicaragua trip, just stop, please, stop.
我想 为什么墨西哥餐馆的服务生会在意你的尼加拉瓜之旅啊 闭嘴 好吧 别说了
She goes oh, we loved the people there. We found them so inspiring.
她还在说 噢 我们很喜欢那里的人 我觉得他们很努力
They had these large brown curious eyes.
他们有着棕色的大眼睛 眼里写满了好奇
Which is the same thing my mom said about Allen Iverson once and we have never forgiven her.
她有一次对阿伦·艾弗森也是这么说的 我们一直没有原谅她
She goes oh, you love the people in Nicaragua, oh they're marvelous.
她说 你们也很喜欢尼加拉瓜人吧 他们特别好
They sit by the side of the road and they will weave things for you.
他们坐在路边 冲路人挥舞着手里的东西
Any Navajo cape you want you just flick a quarter at them and they will whip it out.
如果你看上他们的纳瓦霍斗篷 你给他们几块钱 他们很快就掏出来一件给你
These marvelous young child slaves. Oh, they're incredible.
这些小奴隶真的很不错 真的
My mom hates that joke so much.
我妈妈特别讨厌这个笑话
She is always like I do not support child slavery.
她总是说 我并不支持将小孩子卖做奴隶
And I like that one removed from your talent show.
我希望你把这一段从才艺秀里面删掉
She calls my standup my talent show.
她把我的脱口秀称作才艺秀
Alright, you guys, thank you so much. Thanks for having me.
好了 谢谢你们 谢谢你们邀请我来