Hi! Oh, it's so good to be here.
大家好 很高兴来到这里
Oh my god, you guys, I ate so much over the holidays.
哇 你们太热情了 我假期吃的太多了
But like today I'm totally starting to real it in.
今天我想说几句真话
Like all I had today was one of those meal replacement drinks, vodka. And—
我今天一整天只喝了代餐饮料 伏特加 而且——
I'm working it out.
我坚持下来了
2015 was a really good year for me.
2015年对我来说是幸运年
I rescued a dog. From a breeder.
我从一个饲养员手里救了一只狗
She was disgusting.
那个饲养员特别恶心
She had studs on her jeans. I was like, let's get out of here.
她的牛仔裤上挂着各种链子 我当时的反应是 我们快走
But oh my god, so he's so cute.
但是 我的狗特别可爱

I got a chocolate labradoodle, if you don't know, I know, right.
它是一只巧克力色的拉布拉多 你不知道拉布拉多是什么的话也没关系 我知道就行了
If you don't know what chocolate labradoodle looks like,
如果你想不出来巧克力色的拉布拉多长什么样的话
he is basically just like a '70s Bush with eyes.
我这么说吧 长得就跟视力完好的70岁的布什一个样
Just like hair and vision, just ready to go.
毛发旺盛 双眼明亮 永远精神抖擞
It's only awkward when I'm at the dog park and he's sitting in my lap, you know.
唯一一个比较尴尬的时候 就是遛狗的时候他坐我腿上 你懂得
It's been a long winter, you know.
那个冬天可真难熬啊
He's so adorable.
他特别可爱
Like we get stopped on the street all the time.
我们上街的时候经常被人拦下来
I was walking him down the street
我牵着他在街上走着
and this like homeless drug addict kind of like stumbled into our path.
一个看起来像是无家可归的流浪汉跌跌撞撞地挡在我们面前
And he was like whoa, beautiful dog.
然后他说 哇 这狗不错啊
I was like relax, I'm engaged.
我说 别激动 我已经订婚了
And then he goes, I don't know who's more beautiful, the dog or you.
然后他说 我说不出来你跟狗那个更好看一点
And I was like hopefully me, sir. Ouch.
然后我说 我希望是我
You know, ouch.
你们懂的吧
Like in what world is that a compliment.
试问哪一种语言里 会把这种话当成一种赞美
I know how I'm going to get this girl.
我知道怎么把那个女生泡到手
I'm going to tell her she's almost as hot as her dog.
我就去跟她说 她跟她的狗一样性感
Like what is your number?
你号码多少
But I just feel like that will never be a compliment.
我反正是觉得 这怎么也算不上一种赞美吧
Because dog beauty and human beauty are measured two very different ways.
因为评价人和评价狗用的是两套完全不同的标准
Like a dog can be a complete mutant,
人爱狗是种不同的爱法
you know, just like a wonky eye, and you're like oh, I just want to squeeze him,
你们明白我意思吧 就是你感觉 啊 我好想去揉那只狗的毛
you know it doesn't work that way with a human being.
但对人你就不能这么做
You have never seen like a busted human man
你也不会看见一个人就冲上去说
and been like ew, what are you, he's like thyroid disorder.
哇 你真的好美啊 别人可能觉得你脖子出了什么毛病
You're like ah!
然后你喊一声 哇
I just want to push your eyes back in your head!
我想把你的眼睛按进你的头里面去
He's like please don't, that would hurt a lot.
他说 别 会很疼的
You're like, I'm gonna!
你说 我就想这么做啊
So look, I know you see me up here just like a real white, basic bitch wearing a fantastic onesie,
我知道 你们看见这个白人婊子站在这里 穿着一件美丽的连体服
and are you probably thinking oh, she probably hasn't faced a lot of struggle in her life.
可能会想 哦 她肯定没经历过什么挫折
But I just want to be clear that my dad left when I was eight.
但我想说明的是 我爸爸在我八岁时就离开了
He did come back 30 minutes later we are bagels for the whole family.
但他30分钟后又醒了 我们当时在做百吉饼
But I was starving, do you understand. I was so, so hungry.
但我当时真的很饿 你们能理解吗 我真的 真的很饿
Speaking of food, I ate at a really famous Jewish tapas restaurant, costco, and—
说到吃的 我在一家著名的犹太小吃店好市多吃过东西——
small plates, small plates, small plates.
小份的 小份的
As I mentioned, I am engaged.
我前面说过 我已经订婚了
My fiance, he is a real long island meat head.
我的未婚夫是个典型的来自纽约长岛的笨蛋
It's very muscly. You know it's very primal.
他肌肉特别发达 会给人一种力量上的压制感
He will like threaten me with compliments.
他的赞美听起来像威胁一样
He will be like I frigen love you.
他会说 我爱死你了
I am like I might die tonight. It's a rush.
我就说 我感觉我今天会死 就是非常冲动
You know it's good.
这也很好
He works out so hard that he doesn't even talk any more.
他工作非常努力 也不怎么讲话
He just kind of like grunts.
就是有点喜欢咕哝着说话
I have to like decode what he is saying.
他说的话 我还要解码才能理解
It is like dealing with Lasie, he's likes oh, babe, I'm like what is it, boy.
比如他说 哦 亲爱的 我说 啊 你说啥
Oh, a hard leg day at the gym, you know?
哦 今天锻炼很辛苦
Oh, your trainer fell in a well!
哦 你的教练掉进井里啦
We are getting married.
我们要结婚了
I'm excited about marriage.
我很激动
I think I'm just a little afraid of marriage because I'm afraid of divorce, you know.
我也有点恐慌 因为我怕我们将来有一天会离婚 你们明白的吧
It's like what if we never get one.
就 如果我们可以白头偕老又会怎么样
That is my time, I'm Jamie Lee. Thank you.
以上是我今天的表演 我是杰米·李 谢谢大家