What are you doing in there?” So shouts my wife after I’ve spent getting on for 40 minutes in the bathroom. “I’m, er, exfoliating,” I call back merrily, while walking my fingers along the pots and potions crowding the windowsill. Holy Saint Francis, as Friar Laurence puts it in Romeo and Juliet, what a change is here!
“你在里面折腾啥呢？”我在卫生间呆了足足40分钟后，我妻子在外大声喊道。“呵呵，正在去死皮呢，” 我一边用手找摸窗台上堆放的各种瓶瓶罐罐，一边愉快地回复道。就是《罗密欧与朱丽叶》(Romeo and Juliet)中劳伦斯神父(Friar Laurence)所说的Holy Saint Francis这类东西，如今的化妆品可谓琳琅满目，真是今非昔比！

And not just here: men’s beauty products — moisturisers supposedly optimised for male skin and sold in butch-yet-metrosexual tubs in science-fictional silvers and blacks — have been undergoing a boom. According to Mintel, sales of men’s skincare products rose last year to £95.1m, up from £85.4m in 2012, and are forecast to reach £96.2m in 2014. Men also appear to be hell-bent on not just washing but “cleansing”, not just rubbing but “gently massaging”, on introducing the skin not just to water, but to a very superior scientific product called “aqua” And — that holy grail, that precise incantation marking the line where the marketing departments of cosmetics companies fought the Advertising Standards Authority to a standstill — on “reducing the appearance of wrinkles”. The comforting idea that, as men age, they become more attractive seems not to be endorsed here; anti-ageing is the thing. The holy trinity of Tom Ford’s bumf, for instance, is: “Deep clean, soothe and rejuvenate.”
不仅仅我家的卫生间如此，男士美容用品销售一直很火爆。这些自诩最适合男士皮肤使用的润肤霜，以科幻影片中那种银灰与黑色的男性化都市美男形象销售。据市场研究机构英敏特(Mintel)统计，去年英国男士护肤品的销售额上升至9510万英镑，而2012年的销售额为8540万英镑，今年的总销售额有望增至9620万英镑。男士们似乎也不再满足于单纯冲洗，而是“彻底洁净”；不再单纯搓洗干净，而是享受“温情按摩”服务；不再单纯用水冲澡，而是使用名为“aqua” 以及“能彻底消除皮肤皱纹”的高科技爽肤产品——即所谓“圣杯”。化妆品公司营销部门正是凭借这神奇产品来对付英国广告检测委员会(Advertising Standards Authority)。它们并没有宣扬这样的“迷魂汤”：男人使用这款产品后，随着年岁增长，会越发帅气之类，而是宣扬抗衰老理念。就像汤姆•福特(Tom Ford)的产品宣扬的那样：具有三位一体的优点：“深度清洁、轻柔舒适以及重焕生机。”
My grooming regime used to consist of the following. Get into shower. Rub head and shoulders with Head & Shoulders, yodelling happily the while. Rub rest of self with Head & Shoulders too, owing to Boots not yet offering for sale a competitively-priced product called Armpits & Undercarriage. Step from the shower, dandruff-free from top to toe. Towel hair and body. Shave with slightly blunt razor and squirt of Gillette foam. Rinse face. Get dressed.
本人的美容行头以前由以下产品组成：洗澡时，嘴里一边愉快哼着小曲，一边用海飞丝(Head & Shoulders)挠洗头发及搓洗双肩。由于Boots旗下一款名叫Armpits & Undercarriage的价廉物美的沐浴露还未上市，因此搓洗身体其它部分也使用海飞丝浴液。从头到脚把头皮屑冲洗干净后，再用毛巾把头发与身体擦拭干；在脸部抹上吉列剃须泡沫后，再使用稍钝些的刮胡刀修面；最后用清水冲净后，穿上衣服。
I appraise myself in the mirror from time to time, but not much. Like a lot of men, I am quite vain about my lack of vanity. This is a sore point with my wife, who has long campaigned against stubble and fluffy, product-free hair, but over the years, alcohol, and fags, and toughing out skin that chaps so much in cold weather that my fingers hurt when I type and if I smile, blood runs on to my chin . . . well, they’ve taken their toll. I’m 40. Spring chickens do not buttonhole me in the street with: “Mon semblable! Mon frère!”.
我时不时会站在镜子前“臭美”，但不算太频繁。与很多男士一样，我对于自己不爱慕虚荣这一点颇为得意，而这是我妻子的“心病”——她一直对我剪平头、留蓬松发以及不用任何护发素“耿耿于怀”，但这么多年来，我喝酒、劳累以及皮肤因严寒天而大面积皲裂，结果导致我打键盘时手指阵阵作痛，每次一笑，下巴顿时就会渗出血来……哎，可把不爱护皮肤的罪受够了。我今年已届不惑之年。大庭广众之下的年轻人不会对我说：“哥们，咱们可是一伙”。
However, my regime for the past few weeks has consisted of some variant on the following. Get into shower. Rub self with Alexandra Soveral for Men Green Tea and Lime Hair and Body Wash (£35), yodelling happily. Clean face using Kiehl’s Oil Eliminator Cleanser (£19), and Clarisonic Aria Advanced Sonic Cleansing brush (£155). Rub cheeks with Foreo Luna’s pre-shave vibrating cleanser for men (£145). Pat down cheeks with Nurse Jamie EGF Platinum Shave Oil (£205) before shaving with slightly blunt razor. Apply Sisleyum For Men anti-ageing aftershave (£165). Apply Tom Ford For Men Hydrating Lip Balm (£20) to lips. Apply 111 Skin Celestial Black Diamond Eye Cream (£170) around eyes. Squirt a thin orangey gwibble of NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence (£380) into palm and rub it on cheeks and forehead. Follow up with Nurse Jamie EGF Platinum 7 Face + Neck Daily Moisturiser (£510, I repeat, £510 for 50g). Wonder about slapping on one of the six or seven other moisturisers I have, then think, “Nah. Wouldn’t want to go over the top, would I?”
但是，过去几周我的美容行头已经添了新花样。洗澡时，可以一边哼唱，一边用Alexandra Soveral推出的Men Green Tea and Lime Hair and Body Wash（男士有机绿茶与洗发沐浴露 售价35英镑）。清洁脸部，则用科颜氏(Kiehl’s)的Oil Eliminator Cleanser（洁面去油露 售价19英镑）与Clarisonic Aria 高档洁面刷（售价155英镑）。搓洗脸颊时，用Foreo Luna男士振动洗脸神器（剃须前使用，售价145英镑）。轻揉脸颊则先用售价205英镑的杰米护士的白金剃须精油(Nurse Jamie EGF Platinum Shave Oil)，再用稍钝些的刮胡刀处理。刮好后，用希思黎(Sisleyum)男士抗衰老乳液（售价165英镑）。再选用汤姆•福特的男用保湿润唇膏（售价20英镑），眼膏则用111 Skin的Celestial Black Diamond Eye Cream（售价170英镑）。挤一些NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence精华素（售价380英镑）于手掌心，再涂抹于双颊与额头处。最后再用杰米护士的白金款脸颈部日用润肤霜（售价510英镑，我再强调一下，50毫升装的售价510英镑）。涂抹其它六七种润肤霜时不禁会这样想：“算了，会不会抹多了呢？”
That is not to mention, by the way, the evening’s jollities: the mud masks and the cooling night-creams, applied with darling little spatulas; the actual glass ampoules of Dr Barbara Sturm’s Molecular Cosmetics Hyaluronic Acid Ampoules (£132 for 7 x 2ml) that I crack open to apply some clear oil (Molecular cosmetics! Cosmetics made of real molecules!) to my uncared-for face. I am acquainted, now, with peptides and eucalyptus oil. I am the fearless absorber of Argireline, the immortal beneficiary of Pitera™ and Clusterin. As regime change goes, all things considered, this makes Baghdad 2003 look conservative.
顺便提一下，晚上抹的化妆品还没算呢：用可爱的小抹刀涂抹黑泥面膜及起清凉作用的晚霜；打开Dr Barbara Sturm透明质酸脸精华液安瓿瓶（剂量为2毫升，每盒七瓶，售价为132英镑）后，给自己的老脸抹上一些清洁用油（这是真正取自分子的化妆品！）。我如今早对肽油和桉油习以为常，对六胜肽的功效也深信不已，还是Pitera™和丛生蛋白等神奇产品的永久受益者。不断变换化妆品花样以及全面衡量后，一下子觉得Baghdad 2003似乎已经过时。
Now I have not been resistant, hitherto, to using men’s beauty products because I associate them with effeminacy. I’m just fine with effeminacy. Mostly I’ve avoided them on the more concrete grounds that I think they are a con, and a pretentious con at that.
如今的我对男士化妆品不再抵触，因为我把它们与柔美相关联，而本人完全能接受之。我规避化妆品，通常是出于更确切的理由——觉得它们是忽悠货，属于自吹自擂。
I feel irritated by their barely literate marketing guff (“Terre d’Hermès is a symbolic narrative revolving around a raw material and its metamorphosis . . . ”), their modish ingredients, their stratospheric price tags and their essential sameness: strip out all the pseudoscience and here is (three times in four) a nice-smelling white goo that will make your face slightly greasy for about an hour or two.
我气不打一处来的是那些文绉绉、废话连篇的广告用语（“爱马仕大地情人男用香水(Terre d’Hermès)的广告词最具代表性，说它产自天然原料，具有脱胎换骨之功效……”）、那些时髦的成份、令人咋舌的标价以及大同小异的功效：去除天花乱坠的忽悠，实际就是香气袭人的白色黏性物，它能让诸位的脸部稍显油光上一、二个小时而已。
My theory runs that skin is, basically, waterproof: that’s why we don’t all go like a toilet roll dropped in the bath when we get caught in the rain. And since skin is waterproof, trying to force moisture into it from the outside is the errand of a halfwit, when it is both cost-free and much easier to put the moisture on the inside, in the form of a glass of water.
我的理论是：皮肤从根本上说具有防水功效，这就是为何我们被雨淋了个落汤鸡，也不会像卫生卷纸掉进水里那样。由于皮肤防水，所以外抹润肤品纯属脑残干的事，而从内增加湿度（如喝杯水）既便宜、也更容易。
It’s a theory to which I still hold, for the most part. And the first time I put on a Tom Ford For Men Intensive Purifying Mud Mask (£45) — and felt my skin go as tight as if I’d smeared haemorrhoid ointment all over my fizzog, then watched my black face dry to a Smurf-like cobalt blue, with the blocked pores on my nose picked out like seeds on a strawberry . . . it was, well. It was a novelty, I’ll give it that.
多数情况下本人仍深信此理论。我第一次涂抹汤姆•福特男士深层清透泥面膜 （Men Intensive Purifying Mud Mask，售价45英镑）时，感觉脸部皮肤紧绷得就像涂了痔疮膏似的，然后看到自己的黝黑脸干燥得变成了蓝精灵(Smurf)似的钴蓝色，鼻子上堵塞的毛孔犹如草莓上长的小黑种子，很是显眼……哎，真是新奇别致，只能由它去吧。
But I have to confess that my experiment with a grooming regime that would cause American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman to look on in — I fancy — a respectful hush has not been wasted. Lord knows, you have to be not only cash-rich but time-rich to go through with all this palaver every morning; some of us have children to get to school and wives who need to shower.
但我必须承认自己使用各种化妆品的尝试也算有所收获，我想它会让《美国精神病人》(American Psycho)一片中的帕特里克•贝特曼(Patrick Bateman)驻足仰慕。结果怎样看来只有天知道，但诸位每天早上拾掇自己，不仅得不差钱，还得舍得花时间；有些人每天早上得送孩子上学，有时妻子冲澡还会占用卫生间。
But I did, actually, quite enjoy it. That eye cream is quite soothing, whether or not — and my money’s on not — the black diamonds have any measurable dermatological effect. I loved the cool gloopiness of Kiehl’s facial exfoliator, with its gritty particles of something glittery suspended in the gel.
但本人事实上却乐在其中。尽管不知黑钻石眼霜对皮肤病是否有啥疗效（花钱却是不争的事实），但用后感觉很是舒爽。我喜欢科颜氏磨砂面膏粘稠液（其中悬浮在凝胶中亮晶晶的磨砂颗粒）抹在脸上的阵阵清凉感。
I even quite liked the musky mineral pong of that unbearably up-itself Terre d’Hermès aftershave (£47). The Guerlain Super Aqua-Crème — it comes in a day gel (£70) and a night balm (£81) in pretty blue pots — is very pleasant and not at all greasy-feeling; better, for my money, than the sinisterly gelid boiled-down-horses-hooves consistency of that Platinum moisturiser.
我甚至很喜欢剃须后抹的爱马仕大地情人香水（售价47英镑）所散发的气味。用漂亮蓝瓶装的娇兰特效水凝清爽保湿霜(The Guerlain Super Aqua-Crème)既有日霜（售价70英镑），也有晚霜（售价81英镑），用后效果很爽，压根不会有油腻感；就我的经济实力而言，它比白金润肤霜那种冷飕飕的凝胶体效果好。
I can’t say I’ve ever had much time for shaving oil, even if it is dispensed with Nurse Jamie’s pseudo-medical eye-dropper — you always need more of it than advertised — and it does nothing that good old shaving foam doesn’t. NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence is a not-very-nice-smelling orangey goop. But it’s possible that I’m unconsciously biased against these products on the grounds that they seem the most intelligence-insultingly expensive of all I tried.
我不能说自己有充裕的时间使用剃须油，即便它无需使用吉米护士的仿医用滴管（诸位需要更多量的剃须油，而不是像广告所宣扬的那个剂量），而且比起老式剃须泡沫，它的效果实在差强人意。NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence精华素是味道不太好闻的橙色粘稠物。但也可能是本人在潜意识中对这些产品存在偏见，理由是本人试用过的这些化妆品价格实在高得离谱。
And, fair’s fair, the products may not be my idea of a priority for disposable income but they do have some effect. Deep clean? Sure. Soothe? Definitely. Rejuvenate? That’s probably too much to ask of even real science: I have three children under six so I look how I feel, which is 104 years old.
但说句公道话，就本人的可支配收入而言，这些产品可能不会成为我的首选，但它们的确有效果。深度洁净？没问题。用后舒服？完全如此。重焕活力？即便真正科学都难以给出明确答案：我有三位不足六岁的孩子，因此我的形象就是内心的真实反映，我早已未老先衰。
Nevertheless, at least for the first few hours of every day, and probably thereafter, my skin — my now nice-smelling skin — did feel as smooth as the proverbial baby’s bottom. I can vouch for this because I did a comparison with my actual baby’s actual bottom, which is moisturised with Diprobase (£9.99 for 500g).
然而，至少每天开始几个小时自己感觉很爽，也许以后也会如此，我的皮肤（如今香气扑鼻的脸蛋）光滑得就象婴儿的小屁股蛋。我对此信誓旦旦，因为我真与自己孩子的小屁股蛋作了比较，小屁股蛋因为抹了滋润抗菌的药膏Diprobase（500克装的售价9.99英镑）而显得异常娇嫩。
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Sam’s beauty basket
山姆的美容行头
Kiehl’s Oil Eliminator Cleanser £19
科颜氏Oil Eliminator Cleanser洁面去油露19英镑
Clarisonic Aria Advanced Sonic Cleansing Brush £155
Clarisonic Aria 高档洁面刷155英镑
Foreo Luna pre-shave vibrating cleanser £145
Foreo Luna男士振动洗脸神器145英镑
Nurse Jamie EGF Platinum Shave Oil £205
杰米护士的白金剃须精油205英镑
Sisleyum For Men Anti-Age aftershave £165
希思黎男士抗衰老乳液165英镑
Tom Ford for Men Hydrating Lip Balm £20
汤姆•福特的男用保湿润唇膏20英镑
111 Skin Celestial Black Diamond Eye Cream £170
111 Skin的Celestial Black Diamond Eye Cream眼膏170英镑
NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence £380
NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence精华素380英镑
Nurse Jamie EGF Platinum 7 Moisturiser £510
杰米护士的白金款脸颈部日用润肤霜510英镑
Dr Barbara Sturm Hyaluronic Acid Ampoules £132
Dr Barbara Sturm透明质酸脸精华液安瓿瓶132英镑
Tom Ford for Men Mud Mask £45
汤姆•福特男士深层清透泥面膜45英镑
Terre d’Hermès Aftershave £47
剃须后抹的爱马仕大地情人香水47英镑
Guerlain Super Aqua-Crème Day Gel £70
娇兰特效水凝清爽保湿日霜70英镑
Guerlain Super Aqua-Crème Night Balm £81
娇兰特效水凝清爽保湿晚霜81英镑
Alexandra Soveral Hair and Body Wash £35
Alexandra Soveral的男士洗发沐浴露35英镑
Total £2,179
总计：2179英镑