So here it all was—the time, the place, the issue and the person in question. We proceeded to have a discussion about the idea, which came out easily, during our friendly, linked arm-in-arm walk by the ocean. I said, "I would probably say yes, Felipe, under normal circumstances. Whatever normal circumstances are . . ."

因此这一切就在眼前——时间，地点，问题，当事人。我们开始讨论在友好地手勾手漫步海边之际自然出现的想法。我说："斐利贝，在正常情况下，我或许会说好。啊，管它什么是"正常情况"……"

We both laughed. But then I showed him my hesitation. Which was this—that as much as I might enjoy to have my body and heart folded and unfolded for a while in the expert hands of an expat lover, something else inside me has put in a serious request that I donate the entirety of this year of traveling all to myself. That some vital transformation is happening in my life, and this transformation needs time and room in order to finish its process undisturbed. That basically, I'm the cake that just came out of the oven, and it still needs some more time to cool before it can be frosted. I don't want to cheat myself out of this precious time. I don't want to lose control of my life again.

我们俩都笑了。但我接着让他明白我的迟疑，也就是——我也许愿意把自己的身心暂时交付给一名驻外情人，内心却有另一部分严格要求自己将这一整年的旅行完全献给自己。我的生命发生某种极其重要的变化，此一变化需要时间与空间来完成其过程，不受任何干扰。基本上，我是刚出炉的蛋糕，依然需要时间冷却始可加上糖霜。我不想剥夺自己这段宝贵的时间。我不想让自己的生活再次失控。

Of course Felipe said that he understood, and that I should do whatever's best for me, and that he hoped I would forgive him for bringing up the question in the first place. ("It had to be asked, my lovely darling, sooner or later.") He assured me that, whatever I decided, we would still keep our friendship, since it seemed to be so good for both of us, all this time we spent to-gether.

斐利贝自然说他了解，说我应当做对我自己最好的事情；他说希望我原谅他提出这个问题。（"迟早非问不可，我可爱的甜心。"）他向我保证，无论我做任何决定，我们仍将保有这份友谊，因为我们共度的时光对彼此来说似乎都很美好。

"Although," he went on, "you do need to let me make my case now." "Fair enough," I said.

"只不过，"他继续说，"我得提出自己的声明。"这很公平。"我说。

"For one thing, if I understand you correctly, this whole year is about your search for balance between devotion and pleasure. I can see where you've been doing a lot of devotional practices, but I'm not sure where the pleasure has come in so far."

"其一，如果我正确理解你的意思，你这一整年是在追寻虔诚与快乐之间的平衡。我看见你做了许多虔诚的实践，却不确定到目前为止你的快乐从何而来。"

"I ate a lot of pasta in Italy, Felipe."

"斐利贝，我在意大利吃了很多面食喔。"

"Pasta, Liz? Pasta?"

"面食，小莉？面食？"

"Good point."

"对啊。"

"For another thing, I think I know what you're worried about. Some man is going to come into your life and take everything from you again. I won't do that to you, darling. I've been alone for a long time, too, and I've lost a great deal in love, just like you have. I don't want us to take anything from each other. It's just that I've never enjoyed anyone's company as much as I enjoy yours, and I'd like to be with you. Don't worry—I'm not going to chase you back to New York when you leave here in September. And as for all those reasons you told me a few weeks ago that you didn't want to take a lover . . . Well, think of it this way. I don't care if you shave your legs every day, I already love your body, you've already told me your entire life story and you don't have to worry about birth control—I've had a vasectomy."

"另外，我想我知道你担心什么。有个人即将走入你的生活，再次剥夺你的一切。我不会这样做，甜心。我也孤独了好一段时间，和你一样，也经历过许多爱的失落。我不希望我们剥夺彼此任何东西。我只是喜欢有你做伴，超过任何人的做伴，我喜欢和你在一起。别担心——你九月离开这里的时候，我不会追着你回纽约。至于几个礼拜前，你跟我说不想找情人的种种理由……嗯，这样想好了：我不介意你是否每天要刮腿毛，我已喜欢你的身体，你也已经告诉我整个人生故事，而你也用不着担心避孕——我已经做了结扎。"