一个对青春期孩子的父母的指南

You've lived through 2 AM feedings,toddlertemper tantrums, and the but-I-don't-want-to-go-to-school-today blues. So why is the word "teenager" causing you so much anxiety?

When you consider that the teen years are a period of intense growth, not only physically but morally and intellectually, it's understandable that it's a time of confusion and upheaval for many families.

Despite some adults' negative perceptions about teens, they are often energetic, thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep interest in what's fair and right. So, although it can be a period of conflict between parent and child, the teen years are also a time to help children grow into the distinct individuals they will become.

Understanding the Teen Years

So when, exactly, does adolescence start? The message to send your kid is: Everybody's different. There are early bloomers, late arrivals, speedy developers, and slow-but-steady growers. In other words, there's a wide range of what's considered normal.

But it's important to make a (somewhat artificial) distinction between puberty and adolescence. Most of us think of puberty as the development of adult sexual characteristics: breasts, menstrual periods, pubic hair, and facial hair. These are certainly the most visible signs of impending adulthood, but children between the ages of 10 and 14 (or even younger) can also be going through a bunch of changes that aren't readily seen from the outside. These are the changes of adolescence.

Many kids announce the onset of adolescence with a dramatic change in behavior around their parents. They're starting to separate from Mom and Dad and to become more independent. At the same time, kids this age are increasingly aware of how others, especially their peers, see them and they're desperately trying to fit in.

Kids often start "trying on" different looks and identities, and they become acutely aware of how they differ from their peers, which can result in episodes of distress and conflict with parents.

Butting Heads

One of the common stereotypes of adolescence is the rebellious, wild teen continually at odds with Mom and Dad. Although that extreme may be the case for some kids and this is a time of emotional ups and downs, that stereotype certainly is not representative of most teens.

But the primary goal of the teen years is to achieve independence. For this to occur, teens will start pulling away from their parents - especially the parent whom they're the closest to. This can come across as teens always seeming to have different opinions than their parents or not wanting to be around their parents in the same way they used to.

As teens mature, they start to think more abstractly and rationally. They're forming their moral code. And parents of teens may find that kids who previously had been willing to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves - and their opinions - strongly and rebelling against parental control.

You may need to look closely at how much room you give your teen to be an individual and ask yourself questions such as: "Am I a controlling parent?," "Do I listen to my child?," and "Do I allow my child's opinions and tastes to differ from my own?"

Tips for Parenting During the Teen Years

Looking for a roadmap to find your way through these years? Here are some tips:

Educate Yourself

Read books about teenagers. Think back on your own teen years. Remember your struggles with acne or your embarrassment at developing early - or late. Expect some mood changes in your typically sunny child, and be prepared for more conflict as he or she finds his or her way as an individual. Parents who know what's coming can cope with it better. And the more you know, the better you can prepare your child.

Talk to Your Child Early Enough

Talking about menstruation or wet dreams after they've already started means you're too late. Answer the early questions your child has about bodies, such as the differences between boys and girls and where babies come from. But don't overload your child with information - just answer their questions.

You know your child. You can hear when your child's starting to tell jokes about sex or when attention to personal appearance is increasing. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions such as:

* Are you noticing any changes in your body?
* Are you having any strange feelings?
* Are you sad sometimes and don't know why?

A yearly physical exam is a great time to bring up these things. A doctor can tell your preadolescent child - and you - what to expect in the next few years. The exam can serve as a jumping-off point for a good parent/child discussion. The later you wait to have this discussion, the more likely your child will be to form misconceptions or become embarrassed about or afraid of physical and emotional changes.

Furthermore, the earlier you open the lines of communication on these subjects, the better chance you have of keeping them open throughout the teen years. Give your child books on puberty written for kids going through it. Share memories of your own adolescence with your child. There's nothing like knowing that Mom or Dad went through it, too, to put your child more at ease.

Put Yourself in Your Child's Place

Practice empathy with your growing child. Help your child understand that it's normal to be a bit concerned or self-conscious. Tell your child it's OK to feel grown-up 1 minute and like a little child the next.

Pick Your Battles

If teenagers want to dye their hair, paint their fingernails black, or wear funky clothes, it may be worth thinking twice before you object. Teens want to shock their parents and it's a lot better to let them do something temporary and harmless; leave the objections to things that really matter, like tobacco, drugs and alcohol.

Maintain Your Expectations

Teens will likely act unhappy with expectations their parents place on them. However, they usually understand and need to know that their parents care enough about them to expect things from them. Appropriate grades, behavior, and adherence to the rules of the house are important standards to maintain. If parents have appropriate expectations, teens will likely try to meet them.

Inform Your Teen - and Stay Informed Yourself

The teen years often are a time of experimentation, and sometimes that experimentation includes risky behaviors. Don't avoid the subjects of sex, or drug, alcohol, and tobacco use; discussing these things openly with your child before he or she is exposed to them increases the chance that your teen will act responsibly when the time comes.

Know your child's friends - and know your child's friends' parents. Regular communication between the parents of adolescents can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for all the children in a peer group. Parents can help each other keep track of the kids' activities without making the kids feel that they're being watched.

Know the Warning Signs

A certain amount of change may be normal during the teen years, but too drastic or long-lasting a switch in a child's personality or behavior may signal real trouble - the kind that needs professional help. Watch out for one or more of these warning signs:

* extreme weight gain or loss
* sleep problems
* rapid, drastic changes in personality
* sudden change in friends
* skipping school continually
* falling grades
* talk or even jokes about suicide
* signs of tobacco, alcohol, or drug use
* run-ins with the law

Any other inappropriate behavior that lasts for more than 6 weeks can be a sign of underlying trouble, too. You may expect a glitch or two in your child's behavior or grades during this time, but your A/B student shouldn't suddenly be failing, and your normally outgoing kid shouldn't suddenly become constantly withdrawn. Your child's doctor or a local counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist can help you find proper counseling.

Respect Your Child's Privacy

Some parents, understandably, have a very hard time with this one. They may feel that anything their child does is their business. But to help your teen become a young adult, you'll need to grant some privacy. If you notice warning signs of trouble, then you might want to invade your child's privacy until you get to the heart of the problem. But otherwise, it's a good idea to back off.

In other words, your teenager's room and phone calls should be private. You also shouldn't expect your teen to share all thoughts or activities with you at all times. Of course, for safety reasons, you should always know where your child is going, what they're doing, and with whom, but you don't need to know every detail. And you definitely shouldn't expect to be invited along!

Monitor What Your Child Sees and Reads

Television shows, magazines and books, the Internet - kids have access to tons of information. Be aware of what your child is watching and reading. Don't be afraid to set limits on the amount of time spent in front of the computer or the TV. Know what your child is learning from the media and who he or she may be communicating with over the Internet.

Make Appropriate Rules

Bedtime for a teenager should be age appropriate, just as it was when your child was a baby. Reward your teen for being trustworthy. Does your child keep to a 10 PM curfew? Move it to 10:30 PM. And does a teen always have to go along on family outings? You decide what your expectations are, and don't be insulted when your growing child doesn't always want to be with you anymore. Think back. You probably felt the same way about your mom and dad.

Will This Ever Be Over?

As your child continues to progress through the teen years, you'll notice a slowing of the highs and lows of adolescence. And, eventually, you'll have an independent, responsible, communicative child. So remember the motto of many parents with teens: We're going through this together, and we'll come out of it - together!

抚养孩子会经历两个阶段，十几岁的孩子会和蹒跚学步的孩子一样乱发脾气，甚至有一天会神情沮丧的说“我不想去上学了”，这就是为什么十几岁的孩子会让父母那么忧虑的原因。

当你想到十几岁年龄是迅速成长发育时期时，它不只是身体上的还有精神上的、智能上的，这是一个让许多家庭混乱和动荡的时期，对此人们已经理解了。尽管在一些成年人的眼力消极的认为十几岁的孩子经常是精力旺盛的、有思想的而且是唯心主义的，对什么是公平的和正确的充满强烈的兴趣。所以，虽然这段时期在父母和孩子之间会有冲突，但也是一个帮助孩子成长为个性鲜明的人的最好时期。

了解这段时期

那么到底什么时候青春期确切开始了呢？在孩子身上发出的信息是：每个人各不相同。开始的时间有早有晚，有发展迅速的但也有发展缓慢且稳定的。换句话说，标准很宽泛。

但是区分出青春期和发育期很重要（稍微需要点技巧）。很多人认为青春期就是第二性特征迅速发育成熟时期：胸部发育、月经期开始、阴毛和胡须的生长。这些当然都是接近成人期最明显的特征，但十到十四岁（或是更早一点）之间的孩子他们的许多变化并不能真正从外表看出来。这些就是青春期的变化。

很多孩子青春期开始的标志表现在父母周围发生的变化。他们开始与妈妈、爸爸疏远变得更独立。与此同时，这个年龄的孩子开始更关注别人的看法，尤其是同龄人的，看到别人怎样就拼命的去适应。

孩子们开始经常“尝试”不同的样子和身份，当对待自己与其他人不同时感觉变得异常敏锐。从而导致与父母之间发生许多不幸的趣事和冲突。

正面冲突

青春期一个共同的特点就是对抗，在狂热的时期不断的与父母发生分歧。虽然那种极端可能导致这个时期的孩子情绪不稳，但这种情形并不代表大多数的十几岁的孩子。

但这个时期的最初的目的只是达到独立。因此会出现十几岁的孩子疏远父母尤其是和他们最亲近的人。这样就可能出现孩子们的观点似乎总是和父母的不一样，不在想象过去那样以父母为中心。

随着他们的成熟，他们开始更加抽象地和理性地去思考，他们在形成自己的道德标准。父母可能会发现以前很愿意适应父母并让父母满意的孩子突然开始维护他们自己了“他们的观点”强烈地而且是反叛地对待父母的管束。

你需要认真的想一想你留给孩子的独立空间有多大，问一下自己“我是控制形的父母吗？”“我倾听孩子的心声了吗？”“我让孩子去体验与我不同的观点了吗？”

关于青春期教育孩子的提示

找到一个帮你度过这段时期的路程图。这里有一些方法提示。

教育自己

读一些关于青春期的书。回想一下自己的青春期，想一想你和粉刺的斗争，以及在发育过程中前前后后发生的让你困窘的事。设想一下你的阳光天使般的孩子在情绪上会有什么样的典型变化。准备一下与他或她可能出现的冲突，发现他的或是她的独特个性。父母应该了解对将要发生的事怎样处理会更好。尽可能的为孩子多做些准备。

尽早与孩子交谈

不要等事情已经开始了你在迟迟的讲关于月经了、春梦了。尽可能早的回答孩子们关于身体的问题，象男孩与女孩的区别，小孩从那来的。不要超出孩子的知识范围只是回答问题就可以了。了解孩子，当你听到孩子讲关于“性”的笑话或关注个人经验的增长时，这是个你提问题的一个好时机。

如：你注意到你身体的变化了吗？

你有什么特别的感觉吗？

你有时感到沮丧却不知道为什么吗？

每年的身体检查是提出这些问题的最好时机。医生会告诉你和你的青春期前的孩子在未来几年里可能出现的情况。 这个体检能够为父母、孩子提供一个开始有重点的讨论机会，如果这讨论晚了的话，可能会孩子产生误解或是对身体和情绪的变化感到苦恼或害怕。

此外，你越早的开始关于这类话题的交流你就有可能拥有让青春期的孩子向你袒露他们的想法的更好机会。给孩子开一些有关青春期的文章以便孩子能顺利度过青春期。跟孩子分享你自己的青春期生活。让孩子知道爸爸妈妈的青春期生活其实也没有什么，可能会让孩子感到更自在一些。

换位思考

假设你就是成长中的孩子，让孩子明白他们对自己有点儿关注或自我意识是正常的。告诉孩子瞬间感到自己长大了，可是接下来感觉还是个孩子是件好事。

接受挑战

如果孩子染发，把手指甲涂成黑色或是穿山让你大吃一惊的衣服，在你反对以前应该深思熟虑。孩子想让家长震惊或是做一些暂时的无伤害的事应该是比较不错的；象那种不顾家长的反对去吸烟、吸毒、或是喝酒那才是真正的问题。

坚持你的期望

十几岁的对待父母对他们的期望总是表现出不高兴。但是，他们应该理解明白父母非常关心对他们的期望的结果。有一个适合孩子的程度、适当的行为标准以及在家要遵守的规则都是要坚持的重要标准。如果父母对孩子的期望标准是适当的，孩子们会很愿意去实现的。

提醒孩子---而且要经常提醒

十几岁的孩子会经常去体验一些事务，有时还会体验一些危险行为。不可避免的回涉及到性、毒品、饮酒或是吸烟；在孩子想要体验这些危险行为之前就和他们公开讨论，当事情来临时孩子们会增加做出负责的反应的机会。

了解孩子的朋友---以及孩子朋友的父母。青春期孩子的父母定期的沟通能够帮助孩子们建立一个安全的环境。父母可以彼此帮助坚持给孩子制订的行为标准，而且不回让孩子有被管制的感觉。

了解预警信号

在十几岁的年龄阶段某些大的变化可能是正常的。但是孩子的性格或行为方面的强烈变化或长期的反复无常可能就是一种红色预警信号------孩子需要专业性的帮助。注意一下警告信号：

体重迅速增加或下降。

睡眠问题。

性格快速的、急剧的变化。

学习成绩下降。

谈到自杀或是拿自杀开玩笑。

吸烟、饮酒或是吸毒的信号。

时不时的与法律发生联系。

任何一种持续六周以上的不适当的行为都可能是一种潜在的麻烦信号。你可能想到这阶段的孩子的行为或学习成绩会有一两点小故障，但是一个成绩优秀的学术成就突然下降或是性格开朗的孩子突然变得沉默孤独，这时候你需要来自孩子的一生活专门的顾问、心理专家、精神病专家的适当的帮助。

尊重孩子的隐私

一些父母都了解这是一个很棘手的问题。他们可能会认为孩子的事就是父母的事，但要帮助一个十几岁的孩子成长为一个青年，你需要放任孩子的一些隐私。如果你注意到一些问题的信号你可能会介入孩子的隐私直到了解问题的实质。但反过来，你如果及时的退出也是一个好主意。

换句话说，孩子的房间、孩子的电话都属于孩子的隐私。不要期待十几岁的孩子会与你永远分享他们的想法和行动。当然了，为了安全起见，你应该了解孩子要去哪，要做什么，和谁在一起，但不需要知道细节，更不要期待他们会邀请你参加。

监控孩子看什么或读什么

电视节目、杂志、书、网络，孩子对这些大量信息有权使用。一定要知道孩子在看什么读什么。不要害怕对孩子花费在电脑或是电视上的时间进行控制。了解孩子从媒体上学到了什么以及和谁在网上交流。

制订适当的规章制度

与孩子年龄相适应的作息时间，就象婴幼儿要有相应的时间表一样。对孩子的良好表现给与适当的奖励。你的孩子会遵守十点钟宵禁的时间吗？会把时间推迟到十点半吗？会总是和家人一起外出吗？对于你制订的规定当孩子不能遵守时不要侮辱责备他们。回想一下，这种情况或许同样发生在你和你的父母身上。

这种情况会结束吗？

随着孩子在这个过程中的不断进步。你会注意到青春期的显著变化会慢下来。最终你的孩子会成为一个独立的、负责任的、健谈的人。一定要记住许多父母关于青春期孩子的格言：我们会一起面对问题并且一起解决问题。