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Hi everyone, and welcome back to Britain Under the Microscope.欢迎回来《闲话英伦》. Hello安澜.

Hi Lulu. Hi everyone.

What are we going to talk about today？

I thought today, we might talk about something a little bit different. Let's talk about dating.

Really 安澜, you want to talk about dating？

I know I know, it's going to be a very short episode.

You don't sound like the dating expert.

I'm not, but I thought quite a few of our listeners recommend this, let's give it a try.

It would be interesting to talk about maybe some of the differences in the idea of dating. Alright, first of all，let's talk about when do people start?

In the UK, generally you will start dating when you're 13 or 14, 15 around that time.

I thought you have a lot of schools that are boy schools，girl schools.

Yeah，but you still might see girls.

Oh, you socialize. You went to a boy school?

I did，yes.

Ah. Any dating for you back then probably be a lifetime choice.

I think any dating back then required a lot of efforts. I didn't actually start going into college, and there were girls in the class, there's lots about 16 or 17.

But what's the parents' attitude, like if you would have told your mom at the age of 13 that you had a girlfriend, would your mom be like...oh, it's too early for you to date?

Well, if you told your mom that I'm gonna get married, then they'll probably say that，but if you're dating, it seen as quite normal really.

I think it is getting normalized in China as well. When I was growing up there was still this idea of 早恋. There's simply no such ideas早恋in English，right？It's like a premature dating essentially.

Yeah, we don’t really have that, I guess you could say puppy love, but that's a bit old fashioned now.

Yeah, but puppy love is something really cute.早恋 is something to watch out for, there's very different connotations in it; but nowadays I think parents are more open-minded, and they're mostly just concerned whether it's going to affect your studies.

I guess so. I think it's the same in the UK. If you're dating someone and you just meet at the weekends, I don’t think that’s big a deal.

And how casual is dating, if you've never been outside of China, a lot of the ideas we get are from TV and movies. And it just depicts this life in the UK for example，or in the States, are you changing girlfriends or boyfriends every day, people are being ultra-casual when it comes to dating.

You can't really judge dating from TV shows, TV shows and films are entertainment. Imagine if someone who's not from China is watching a Chinese TV drama about dating.

Yes, there's a lot of 狗血 drama.

Yeah, you would think it's a lot of people running around in rain and crying a lot.

Yeah，but I mean real life is real life.

Exactly.

But let's talk about the idea of追, 我们说要追一个女生.

Yes.

People ask me this before like how do you translate 追？Is it chasing after or is it pursuing, some people are gonna say courting.

Yeah, or some people nowadays will say harassing.

就骚扰了. But do you have that tradition because this really sounds to me like an old-fashioned English word like courting.

Yeah，we don't have that. If a man starts...I guess you would say pursuing a girl, at best，it seen as a little bit negative; at worst，it seen as very negative.

To you personally, what would you consider to be pursuing？什么叫做追？

For example，sending the girl lots of messages，trying to call her，trying to keep asking her on dates.

Trying to shower her with gifts.

Yeah，that type of thing. But there's a point where we would see that if you do that too much，then you are essentially invading her personal space.She obviously is not interested in you, so stop it.

Yeah，I think this is the major difference in way of thinking. I think the idea of 追 is so because the girl is more perhaps passive. And so gradually she will open up to you that sort of idea; but in the UK, I think women or generally based on my experience，it's more like if they like this guy, if this guy asks her out，she will go out, and they will start dating.

Yes.

And then the guy doesn't necessarily need to pursue her.

Well, no.

If he's trying all sorts of things to try to pursue you relentlessly, it could only mean that you're not really that interested.

Exactly.

I have to say even though I'm Chinese，I kind of agree with that, if someone needs to pursue me，then perhaps I will never go out with them

Exactly. I don't really do that either，but that's probably more about me being rather lazy.

Yeah，it figures. What about this whole personality about we always say British people are more reserved, how would you say generally would men be very open in asking...I guess you cannot really generalize. What are you like?

Me？I'm incredibly subtle.

So subtle that when you ask a girl out，she will not realize you just asked her out.

It happened a few times. But I was saying British men are generally quite reserved. They're not like some cultures where the men are probably a bit more outgoing and will kind of actively go out and ask women out on a date and things like that. In the UK it doesn't really happen like that. I would say they're quite reserved. But obviously, there are exceptions.

And based on my experience，I think it's more you.

It could be.

There are, obviously like in any culture，you do have very forward people, but also have very reserved people.

Yes.

Let's move on. Where do you go on, let's say, first dates?

Well first dates would generally happen in a bit of an informal setting like a pub or sometimes maybe a restaurant as well.

Restaurants can actually be quite formal.

They can be, now it's actually getting more common to ask someone out for a coffee.

Yeah. Coffee is good, pubs these are places that are really flexible, because if you like this person, and then it can turn into a meal and then turn into a night out. But if you don't like it，then just one coffee，one drink you're out.

Exactly.

For restaurant is more awkward.

And a cafe is a bit of a safer space as well.

True. And what are first date topics？You don't really talk about actual relationships, do you？

No. You wouldn't start talking about relationships or marriage or children. You will just talk about maybe your job or your interests. But again it depends on the people. I was never very good at first date so whatever topics I come up with probably not that great.

Perhaps not leading to second dates.

Not really, no.

And now comes to a very interesting point, what about the bill? This I found to be very very culturally different, because... not just in Chinese culture，but in many other... like European culture or American culture, if a guy asks a girl out on a date，and then generally that means automatically this guy will pick up the bill. Obviously the girl will not go crazy, I'm not going to say let's go to a Michelin three star restaurants，but if it is just a normal...

Lucky for the guy.

Well I'm very reasonable. So if it's just a normal restaurant，a normal pub，usually the guy will automatically pick up the bill as it's more like as written. But in the UK, I mean I find based on my experience and also my friend’s experience that British guys seem to be very comfortable splitting the bill.

Oh yeah. That's because a lot of British women，they might see it as slightly strange or a little bit forward as well if the man picks up the bill, and what I would do is I would offer，but if the woman says...

No no，I can pay.

Then I will go...That's fine, I wouldn't push the matter too much.

I think that's very evolved and a contemporary gentleman，it's not just to foot the bill，but it's more to offer to pay，but also respect the lady if she doesn't want you to pay.

Yes. Exactly because there was the idea obviously if you pay，then it doesn't give you great deal of flexibility, it's not really independent.

Honestly, if I like the guy，if I'm going to see him in the future，I'll let him pay. But if I think this is absolutely the last time I'm gonna see you，I am going to pay for my half.

Ok.

But I've been in a situation where not just the bill was split，but also the tips were split. I found that to be a bit extreme.

Yeah, that's a little bit cheap.

Okay，but in English you say things like seeing someone if you tell people I'm seeing someone or I'm going out with someone, does that mean serious relationship？

No，not normally. If you see someone or you go out with someone，it means that it's only the beginning. So you're not boyfriend or girlfriend.

So you’re not.

Generally，no，to me，I would say if you say I'm seeing someone or I'm going out with some that's normally just before you would start saying I'm in a relationship.

So I'm in a relationship is more serious than I'm going out with someone.

Yeah. It's a big deal to call someone your boyfriend or girlfriend because that does have an idea of responsibility that you are together in a relationship.

I see，does that mean that you're going exclusive that you're not dating other people？

Yeah. So if you're saying I'm seeing someone, I'm going out with some it might be that you are seeing other people as well, and that's not seen as a bad thing.

So you can say I'm seeing like different girls at the same time.

I probably wouldn't say that on the first date.

Good, so boyfriend and girlfriend that’s quite serious.

So you wouldn't just go on one date and then automatically boyfriend or girlfriend.

And saying I love you is also quite very very serious...

Very serious.

Very big deal, meeting the folks，meeting parents，meeting family?

Yep, I would say meeting parents that's normally quite a big step.

One thing I've noticed is also inviting this girl or guy that you're seeing, your girlfriend or boyfriend, to a family event or social event, like inviting this person as your plus one to someone's wedding, is that seen as quite serious?

It can be. Generally，it's only when you're in a relationship，you'll start taking part in family events. The last thing you want is at like a family wedding when the photograph is taken and you're there with someone who you're gonna break up with next week. It’s a bit bizarre...

Even more bizarre if it’s a funeral.

Well yeah but nobody takes photos of those.

But one more thing I would like to ask is do parents actually get involved and would parents approve or disapprove？

No.

What if they really don't like the girl that you're dating？

Well, they might put subtle hints，but they can't interfere.

They can't just say，no，you're not marrying her.

No. That generally would not happen. It's the same as parents getting involved in matchmaking as well. Matchmaking itself is not seen as something that is done in the UK.

Matchmaking就是相亲，就是这种牵线.Yeah，I guess nowadays with online dating with things like Tinder or any other matchmaking sites，it seems become so much easier.

Yeah，it's not seen as back in the past. I would say there was a little bit of a stigma.

Nowadays everyone uses them.

Exactly it's about the idea of being busy, you don't have much time etc.

Exactly. Okay，I think that's our little talk about dating in the UK.I can see 安澜 is already struggling so I think we're gonna wrap up here.

Yeah，there's only so many articles I can read about dating. I still don't really quite get it.

The theoretical knowledge of dating. But anyhow，whatever we're saying today，obviously a lot of it is also from our personal point of view. So you can agree or disagree. I'm sure this is a topic that everyone has something to say about. So leave us your comment in the comment section，especially if you have dated across cultures or you have lived or traveled to different cultures, leave us a comment, we would love to see them.

Or if you're just simply better a date than I am.

I think that probably is the majority of our listeners.

Okay.

All right，thank you 安澜 for coming here and being teased by me.

I would say my pleasure of that.

All right, we will see you next time.

Bye.

Bye.