The goal of every loving parent is to raise good girls,
每一位爱孩子的父母的目标就是抚养一个好女孩，
but what parents actually do is to constrain, confine and crush their girls.
但是父母们往往做的却是束缚、局限、压制他们的女儿。
So as they crush their girls, they prepare them for abuse.
当压制自己的女儿们时，他们其实正在为她们将来的忍气吞声埋下的隐患。
This would be so devastating that no parent would be able to bear it, so it's disguised.
这个现实太残酷，没有父母愿意接受，所以它被伪装了起来。
In India, we call this "adjusting." I'm sure you've heard the word.
在印度，这叫做“适应”。我相信你们肯定听说过这个词。
"Darling, just adjust a bit. Just adjust. No matter what happens, just adjust."
“亲爱的，适应了就习惯了。只是适应而已。不管发生什么事情，只要适应了就好。”
"Adjust" trains girls to be powerless, not to exist, not to be seen, not to have a self,
“适应”让女子变得无力，不存在，不被关注，没有自我，
and it trains boys to claim power and authority over the world.
而这也锻炼男孩去争取世界上的权利和地位。
And in the meantime we keep talking about gender equality and women's empowerment.
与此同时，我们一直在讨论性别平等和女性赋权。
After 2012, after the gang rape in a moving bus in Delhi, I really wanted to understand the roots of abuse.
2012年后，在德里大巴轮奸事件后，我想去真正地理解这种虐待的根源。
So I started asking a very simple question: what does it mean to you to be a good woman or a good man today?
于是我开始问一个很简单的问题：对你而言，在当代世界怎样做才能算是一个好女人，好男人？
And I was so surprised by what I heard, the answers particularly that young people gave,
我对自己听到的答案感到很惊讶，尤其是年轻人给出的答案，
that the project became a research project and it took over my life.
于是这个小课题变成了一个我全身心投入的研究性项目。
For three years, I listened to over 600 women, men and children, educated, middle class,
在3年中，我收集了超过600名男女老少的答案，包括受过教育的，中产阶级的，
and it led to 1,800 hours of listening and 8,000 pages of notes, and it took another year to make sense of it.
总计1800小时的录音和8000页的笔记，又花了一年的时间分析内容。
Nowadays, we see well-dressed, educated women like many of you in this room,
在这个房间里坐着的像你们一样衣冠楚楚且博学的女性，
all of you in this room, and myself, and we think the world has changed,
你们所有人，还有我，我们相信这个世界已经改变了，
but these external changes are extremely misleading, because on the inside, we have not changed.
但是这些外表上的变化很容易误导我们，因为问题的本质一点都没有变。
So today, I'm not going to talk about poor people.
今天我要讲的不是穷人。
I'm going to talk only about the middle and upper classes, because we are the ones most in denial.
我接下来要讲的是中上阶级的人，因为我们是最否认这一点的人。
We are the ones who have said over and over again that when women are educated,
我们一遍一遍地在说当女性受过教育，
when they're employed and they earn incomes, they will be equal, empowered and free. They're not. Why?
当她们进入职场，当她们养家糊口的时候，她们就会变得平等，被赋权，且自由。但是并没有。为什么？
From my research, I identify seven habits that delete women, that make women disappear,
从我的研究中，我识别并总结了让人们对女性视而不见的七种习惯。
but these habits persist because they're so familiar to us and we've made them good and moral.
但是这些习惯一直存在，因为我们对它们太熟悉了，我们把它们看成好品德。
Why would you change or drop anything that's good and moral?
我们为什么要改变好习惯呢？
So, on the one hand, we love our children, we love our daughters, and on the other hand, we crush them.
我们一边在爱自己的孩子，爱护我们的女儿，但是也在一边压制她们。
Habit one: You don't have a body.
习惯一：你没有一个身体。
The first step to make a girl a ghost is to make her body disappear, to pretend that she doesn't have a body.
要让一个女孩感觉她不存在的第一步就是让她的身体消失，假装她没有一个身体。
Akangsha, who is 23, said, "In my family, we never spoke about the body, never."
23岁的Akangsha说，“在我的家里，我们从来不谈论自己的身体，从来不。”
And it is in this silence that millions and millions of girls get sexually molested, and they don't even tell their mothers.
也就是在这样的死寂中，上百万的女孩受到性骚扰，而且她们甚至不会告诉她们的母亲。
And it's the negative comments from others that leads to 90 percent of women saying that they dislike their bodies.
同时也是来自其他人的负面评论让90%的女性说她们嫌恶自己的身体。
When a girl rejects her body, she rejects her only house and invisibility and insecurity become her very shaky foundation.
当一个女孩排斥自己的身体时，她就是在排斥她唯一的“归宿”，于是隐形和不自信变成了她不稳定的基础。
Habit two: Be quiet.
习惯二：安静。
Chup. If you're not supposed to exist and you don't have a body, how can you have a voice?
不要说话。如果你不应该存在，也不拥有一个身体，那你怎会有声音呢？
So just about every woman said, "When I was little, my mother used to scold me and say,
几乎所有的女性都说，“我小时候，我妈妈经常责骂我：
'Don't speak, be quiet, be chup, speak softly, don't argue and never answer back. Jawab nahi Dena.'"
‘不要说话，保持安静，小声说话，不要争吵，不许顶嘴，不要说话。’”
I'm sure you've all heard that. And so girls become afraid, and they withdraw.
你们肯定都听过。所以很多女孩变得胆小畏缩。
And they become quiet and they say, "Let it go. Jaane do. What's the point? Nobody listens."
她们变得低声细语，她们会说：“别管了，别计较了。争有什么用？没人会理我们。”
Educated women said that their number one problem was their inability to speak up,
受过教育的女性说她们面临的最大问题就是不敢畅所欲言，
as if there was a foot on their throat ready to choke them. Silence slices off women.
如骨鲠在喉难以启齿。沉默是女性的绊脚石。
Habit three: Be a people pleaser.
习惯三：讨好别人。
Please others. Everyone likes a nice woman who always smiles,
讨好别人。所有人都喜欢面带微笑的温柔女子，
who never says no, who is never angry, even when she's being exploited.
从来不会说“不”，也从来不会生气，即使被别人欺负也不会生气的女子。
Amisha, who is 18, said, "My father said, 'If I don't see you smiling, I don't feel good.'"
18岁的Amisha说，“我的父亲常说，‘如果我见你不笑，我就觉得别扭。’”
So she smiles. So her father is teaching her, my happiness is more important than your happiness.
于是她就强颜欢笑。她的父亲正在教她，别人的快乐比自己的快乐更重要。

And in this business of trying to make everyone happy all the time, girls become afraid to make decisions.
而在这种想方设法让别人开心的环境中，女孩变得害怕做决断。
And when you ask them, they say, "Anything, whatever! Kuch bhi! Everything goes. Chalta hai."
当你问她们的时候，她们就说，“无所谓，随你。随便，我都行。”
Darsha, who is 25, said with great pride, "I'm highly elastic. I become whatever others want me to be."
25岁的Darsha说，非常自豪地说，“我非常百变圆滑。我可以成为别人想让我成为的人。”
Such girls give up their dreams, their desires, and nobody even notices, except for depression.
这样的女孩放弃她们的梦想，她们的追求，也没有人会注意到，而这时，抑郁会降临。
It moves in. Another slice of a girl is taken off.
开始侵蚀女性。又一部分女孩被祸害了。
Habit four: You have no sexuality.
习惯四：你没有性欲。
I think you'd all agree that with a population of over 1.3 billion, sex is not new to India.
你们应该都知道超过13亿人口的印度对性都不陌生。
What is new is that more people now acknowledge that women, too, have a right to sexual desire.
现在越来越多的人开始认识到女性也有性欲权利。
But how can a woman who has not been allowed to own her body,
但是如果一个女人无法拥有自己的身体，
who hasn't been educated about her body, who may have been sexually molested,
不了解自己的身体，还有可能受过性侵，
who cannot say no and who has been filled with shame, how can she claim her sexual desire?
她不会说“不”，又带着羞耻感，她如何表达自己的性欲？
A woman's sexuality is suppressed.
女性的性欲受到压制。
Habit five: Don't trust women.
习惯五：不要相信女性。
Imagine how the world would change if women came together in solidarity,
想象一下这个世界会发生多大的变化一旦所有女性联手？
but as to make sure that this doesn't happen, our culture places high moral value on loyalty to men and family secrecy.
但是为了确保这不会发生，我们文化的价值观极其强调对男人和家庭隐秘的忠诚。
Woman after woman said, "I know only one trustworthy woman, and that's me."
许多女人说，“我只认识一个可靠的女人，那就是我自己。”
Even Ruchi, who is 30 and who works on women's empowerment at Delhi University,
30岁的Ruchi，她在德里大学研究赋权女性，
said, "I don't trust women. They're jealous and they backbite."
可连她都说，“我不相信其他女性，她们都是嫉妒别人的两面派。”
Obviously, then, in cities, women don't join women's groups,
之后显然，在城市中，女性不会加入女性群体，
and when you ask them why, they say, "We don't have time for gossip."
当你问她们为什么的时候，她们就说：“我们没时间去八卦。”
It's much easier to demolish a woman who is alone.
打败一个孤身的女子可就容易多了。
Habit six: Duty over desire.
习惯六：职责大于欲望。
Muskan gave a very long definition of a good girl, and she's only 15.
年仅15岁的Muskan给出了一个很长的“好姑娘”的诠释。
"She is kind, gentle, polite, loving, caring, truthful, obedient, respects elders, helps everyone unconditionally,
“她必须善良、温柔、有礼、贤淑、关怀、诚实、温顺、敬重老人、无条件地帮助他人，
and is good to others and fulfills duty." Tiring, isn't it.
慈悲心肠，履行义务。”听上去很累，不是吗？
By the time you fulfill duty, whatever little desire is left is also lost.
等你履行完职责后，不论你还有多小的欲望留存，也已因此消失殆尽了。
And when sacrificing mothers have nothing left to say except talk about food -- "Have you eaten? Khana kha liya? What will you eat?"
牺牲其一生的母亲们也没有其他的话可说了，除了谈到饭食--“你吃过了吗？你想吃什么？”
men like Saurabh, who is 24, call them "boring." A woman becomes a residue.
24岁的小伙子Saurabh说她们很“无趣”。女性变成了残渣。
Habit seven: Be totally dependent.
习惯七：完全依赖他人。
So all these habits collectively crush women, fill her with fear and make her totally dependent on men for her survival,
所有这些习惯都压制着女性，让她充满恐惧，让她为了生存而完全依靠男人，
and this allows the system of male power to continue.
这便允许了男权制度的延续。
So all these seven habits that we thought were good and moral snatch life away from girls and position men to abuse.
这些我们起初认为是合乎正道的七个好习惯，剥夺了女性的生命，让男性肆意践踏。
We must change. How do we change? A habit is just a habit.
我们必须做出改变。我们如何改变呢？习惯只是一个习惯而已。
Every habit is a learned habit, so we can unlearn them and this personal change is extremely important.
所有习惯都是学来的，所以我们也可以忘记它们，这样的自我改变是十分重要的。
I had to change too. But this doesn't change the system that crushes millions of other women.
我也必须改变。但是这都无法改变这个压制无数女性的系统。
So we have to go to the roots.
所以我们要找到根源。
We must change what it means to be a good woman and a good man, because this a foundation of every society.
我们必须改变“好女人和好男人”的定义，因为这是每一个社会的基础。
We don't need elastic women, we need elastic definitions, for men too,
我们不需要百变的女性，我们需要百变的定义，对男人也是，
and this big societal change cannot happen without men's involvement.
这样巨大的社会观变化离不开男人的参与。
We need you. We need men to become champions of change, to develop strong change muscles.
我们需要你们。我们需要男人加入我们的运动，来发扬壮大我们的运动。
Otherwise, it will be two more centuries before our girls, and our boys, are safe and free.
要不然，我们要再等两个世纪才能看到我们的儿女获得安全和自由。
Imagine half a billion women coming together, with the support of men, to talk to one another for conversation,
试想一下，五亿女性团结在一起，有着男性的支持，共同探讨，
for change, both personal and political, and imagine men in their own circles,
一起变化，改变自己，改变政见，男人们也加入这个圈子，
and imagine women and men coming together to just listen to each other
女性和男性一起倾听对方，
without judgment, without blame, without accusations and without shame.
没有偏见，没有责备，没有怪罪，没有羞耻。
Imagine how much we would change. We can do this together.
想象一下我们能做出多少变化。我们可以一起实现这一切。
Women, don't adjust. Men, adjust. It's time. Thank you.
女性们，别再适应。男性们，去适应。我们的时间到了。谢谢。