I don't know if you're going to remember this or not.

不知道大家还记得不

I talked about it six years ago.

我六年前就说过

But if you cared about me at all, you would remember.

不过要是你们真的在乎我 肯定会记得的

Six years ago, someone on my staff went into a CVS for one item,

六年前 我的一位员工去CVS买样东西

and the receipt was so long that I couldn't even believe it.

那个收据长到难以置信

I called it outrageous. I called it mind-boggling. I called it long.

我觉得都算得上离谱了 颠覆三观 太长了

And now this time, it happened again.

这一次 又出现了这种情况

Do my words mean nothing, CVS?

我的话是无足轻重吗CVS？

This time a different person from my staff went to CVS for an item.

这次我的另一位员工去CVS买样东西

And I'm not going to say who it was or what it was for.

我不会告诉你们是谁去买了什么东西

But Mary, are you feeling better? I am. It cleared up?

不过Mary 你感觉好点了吗？好点了 （皮疹）消了吗？

Good. OK. It cleared up. All right.

好 好 都消了 好

So look at this. This is for one item.

看看这个 这是一件物品的收据

It's longer than my torso. She bought one thing.

简直比我的身体还长 她就买了一个东西

And again, I'm not going to say what it was.

再说一次 我不会告诉大家她买了啥

But it's not itchy anymore?

不过都不痒了吗？

No. Has the smell gone away? For the most part.

不了 味道消失了吗？基本没有了

Anyway, it's not important who it was or what it was.

总之呢 是谁去买了啥不重要

Like, she bought one thing at 11:00 AM, and by the time this finished printing, it was 3:00 PM.

她上午11点去买了一样东西 等收据打印完后都下午3点了

If you ever wondered why the lines are so long, this is why.

如果大家纳闷儿排队的人咋那么多 这就是原因

The crazy thing is, it's really the top two things, the top 2 inches are receipts.

疯狂的是 真正有用的就只有上面这两行 上面的2英寸是收据

The rest is coupons.

剩下的全是优惠券

So if you go back and use the coupon, you'll get another receipt with more coupons.

如果你再回去用这个优惠券 就会拿到带有更多优惠券的收据

It's a vicious cycle, which is I think that's what CVS stands for.

这是个恶性循环 我觉得这就是CVS代表的含义

Coupon vicious cycle.

优惠券恶性循环

If you spell cycle with an S.

如果把“cycle”的开头换成S

There's no need for it to be this long.

根本没必要弄这么长

My contract as host of the show uses less paper than this.

我节目主持人的合同都比这短

I've written best-selling books with less words in this.

我还用比这少的文字写出过畅销书

I've closed escrow on 17 houses in one year using less paper than this.

我在一年内关掉了17座住宅的第三方托管 用的纸都没这个多

Please CVS, don't make me come back on in six years and talk about this.

拜托了CVS 别让我六年后再重复啰嗦这件事

I could be talking more-- like, more important things could be happening.

我本来可以 本来有更重要的事可以说呢

I could show 23 cat videos in the time it takes to talk about the.

有说这些的时间 都够放23个吸猫视频了