Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for coming out.
女士们先生们 感谢大家的到来
It's major league baseball's opening day.
今天美国职业棒球联盟赛开始了
And before anyone could even steal a base,
在开始盗垒之前
a valuable piece of baseball memorabilia has already been stolen. Right?
已经有一个价值连城的纪念棒球被人偷走了
I don't know if you saw this,
不知道你们有没有看过这个新闻
but on Saturday, two thieves robbed the make a wish foundation office in San Francisco.
本周六 两个小偷抢劫了旧金山的许愿基金会
Oh, I know.
我明白你们的感受
And they made off with a scooter signed by San Francisco giant hunter pence, right.
他们偷走了旧金山巨人队签名的一辆电动车
You whooped, yeah. Did you steal it?
你这么吃惊啊 是你偷的吗
Here's the thing, this isn't even the first time this has happened.
而且 这种事并不是第一次发生

The make a wish office has been robbed twice now, right.
许愿办公室其实已经被盗过两次了
I think someone needs to wish for a working lock.
我觉得你们应该许愿要记得上锁
Although I feel like someone should tell these burglars that it really is just an office building.
而且应该有人去告诉这些小偷 这里真的只是一栋建筑而已
They don't keep actual wishes in there.
人们并不真的把愿望藏在这儿
So it is not a magical filing cabinet full of trips to Disneyland. You know what I I'm saying, there isn't.
它并不是一个能带你去迪士尼的魔法舱 你们明白吗 不是这样的
Johnny Depp isn't just sitting there in the corner dressed as captain Jack Sparrow in case a kid pops in for a visit.
强尼·德普并不会打扮成海盗船长坐在角落 防止有孩子突然跑进来看
I mean he might be, I've never been.
也可能会吧 我也不确定
But the only way these thieves wouldn't be terrible is if someone sick kid was like I wish someone would rob the make a wish foundation.
不过这些小偷还有一个方式可以洗白 就是说他们偷东西是因为有个小孩许愿 希望有人可以去抢劫许愿办公楼
But this isn't the only childish crime in the news right now.
这也并不是唯一的一起儿童犯罪
Because a man in New Orleans could be facing a life sentence for stealing $31 worth of candy from a drug store. Right?
新奥尔良有位男性因为在药店偷窃了价值31美元的糖果而将面临终身监禁
This is absolutely true. This is due to Louisiana's repeat offender law, right.
这是真事儿 是因为路易斯安那州有二次犯罪处罚法
Because he's had previous convictions for shoplifting at rite aid and blockbuster video, right.
而这位男性之前曾有在来爱德和百视达偷窃的犯罪记录
I want to say, first of all, if stealing candy is this illegal, 12 year old me should have gotten the electric chair.
我想说 如果偷窃糖果是这么大的罪 那12岁的我就应该上电椅了
You know. But this whole situation seems ridiculous.
这整件事情非常的荒谬
Because in the first three months of 2016 there were 31 murders in New Orleans.
因为就在2016年的前三个月 新奥尔良发生了31起谋杀案
But this guy they caught. Right?
再看看这个人
Maybe take some of the cops from the candy unit and put them on murder patrol.
我觉得应该从负责糖果盗窃案的警察里抽出来几个人去处理谋杀案
It's crazy.
真的是疯了
It seems so nuts.
感觉这些人好蠢啊
But I feel for this guy. Like that has got to be a tough conversation once you're in prison.
我又在想 等这个人进了监狱 跟囚犯们的对话估计很艰难
Do you know what I'm mean. Yeah, I'm in for armed robbery and arson watch. What about you?
你们明白我意思吗 我是因为持枪抢劫还有纵火进来的 你呢
Um, you know, you know the new peanut butter twix?
嗯……你知不知道特趣新出了一种花生黄油巧克力啊
Do you know, let's just skip to the part where I'm your girlfriend. That will be easier.
我们还是直接跳到女朋友这段好了 这样轻松点
But he hasn't been convicted yet.
但他还没有被判刑
He hasn't been convicted yet.
目前还没有
And I bet this guy is just hoping the judge in the trial gives him a break.
我敢赌这个人一定还在期望着法官能放他出去
Gives him a break, breaks him off a piece of that Kit Kat bar. Thanks.
给他一根巧克力棒 谢谢
But the truth is judging by the news, it seems like there is a crime wave,
媒体在讨论这个新闻 他们说最近似乎掀起了一股犯罪潮
but don't worry, help is on the way.
但是别担心 马上就有解决办法了
Because recently in England two criminals were foiled by a group of kids on an Easter egg hunt.
最近在英国 警察在找彩蛋的一群孩子的帮助下抓住了两名罪犯
And what they did, completely true, they formed a human arrow in a field
这是真事儿 他们在地上组成了一个人形箭头
to show a police helicopter which way the robbers had run. Right?
告诉警察的直升机抢劫犯跑去了哪个方向
I mean I'll be honest with you, that is the nerdiest thing I have ever seen a group of children do.
说真的 这是我见过的孩子能做出的最傻的事
And bear in mind that I was a musical theater kid.
而且不要忘了我是看音乐剧长大的
But they are so good.
但这群孩子太厉害了
Look at that picture again. They are so good at making the arrow.
来看这张图 他们这个箭头摆的真好
How did they even know how to do this?
他们怎么想到这个的
They are like guys, this is not a drill. This is what we have been practicing for.
他们喊着 这不是演习 我们之前所有的练习都是为了今天
Get down. Oh no. He turned slightly left. Correct 30 degrees.
趴下 啊 他往左边跑了 快向左移动度
In the end, these kids showed great bravery
最后我想说 这些孩子们真的很勇敢
although honestly I don't have the heart to tell them that there is a much easier way to make a human arrow stat.
尽管说实话 我不太想告诉他们想用身体做指示标的话 还有个简单的多的方法
He went that way. Look. All around.
他往那边去了 看 怎么转都行