You guys, James Corden, Reggie Watts, how good are they?
大家好 詹姆斯·柯登 雷吉·瓦特 他们棒不棒
They are so good. I am also so good.
他们太棒了 我也一样
We are about to have so much fun, you guys, three months ago I got married.
我们接下来会度过一段愉快的时光 三个月前 我结婚了
Thank you.
谢谢
It's very exciting.
我很激动
I think Mark Cuban owes me at least $100.
我想起来马克·库班还欠我至少一千刀
But like maybe the Dallas Magics, right?
可能就跟达拉斯魔术一样吧
Like a wedding gift.
是他欠我的婚礼彩礼
You guys, my wife she is amazing.
我妻子可好了
You would love her.
你们都会喜欢她的
She's so capable.
她无所不能
That's one thing I love about her.
我就很喜欢她这一点

Like the other day she changed the headlight on my car with her hands.
有一天她用手换掉了我车上的头灯
I didn't know you could do that.
我还不知道她会这个
Something is broke in my car, I usually just abandon it.
一般我车坏了 我就把车丢了
I lost two, three cars that way, I didn't know it was a thing you could do as a human being.
以前丢过两三辆吧 我不知道人类居然还能修好这种东西
And being around somebody like that has made me feel so safe and I have had to change myself.
跟她在一起我觉得特别的有安全感 我也要改变自己了
Because now since we got married every night at 11 p.m.,
现在我们已经结婚了 每天晚上11点
if I'm still awake, I find that I would like to have a baby.
如果我还醒着 我会想要一个小孩
Now I don't think you understand the late late show, this is new stuff.
我觉得你们不懂这些 这是新生命
I've always known I wanted to parent but I thought I would buy or steal kids.
我总觉得 如果我想有个孩子 我会选择去买或者偷一个
I never thought I might like to have a—they don't even make maternity motorcycle jackets.
我从没想过我会——甚至都没有人生产女性的骑摩托车穿的夹克
Like what—what would I wear?
那——那我穿什么呢
You guys when a baby comes out, it has a full head of hair.
小孩出生的时候 他满脑袋头发
Which means if you reverse that process right before that mom gave birth to that baby
想想看 如果往前算 在孩子还没生出来的时候
it means she had a full head of somebody else's hair inside of her body.
妈妈肚子里有一脑袋的不属于自己的头发
And I don't feel comfortable with that.
想想就觉得不舒服
I don't think any of us feel comfortable with that.
我觉得在座没人会觉得舒服
We will throw away soup if it has one hair in it that is not our own.
如果汤里有一根不属于我们的头发 我们会把整碗汤倒掉
But it is an entire head of hair and it was already inside of you because it grew in there.
但这可是满脑袋的头发在你身体里啊 因为它们就是在你体内长出来的
Oh no thank you.
想想还是算了吧
Plus whenever I imagine child birth I just imagine one arm pops out of my vagina and it unzips me.
而且每次我想到生孩子 就会想到一只胳膊从我的阴道伸出来 把我撕开
And yeah, I can say that on television.
我在电视上看过
I don't think I'm that off base, I've heard it's uncomfortable.
我觉得我接受不了 听着就觉得很难受了
I've been trying to track myself, so my body is just like I want to build something.
我会跟随我内心的想法 我的身体告诉我 我想要构建一个什么东西
I have been working with Lego sets.
于是我就去搭乐高积木
My apartment is covered in star wars vehicles.
我的公寓里到处都是星战系列的车
None of which are driven by women and that's a real problem.
但没有一辆是女性能开的 这是个问题
Now I will acknowledge one thing, if we decide to do this, we will have to get a—takeout.
我还要宣布一件事 如果我们决定养个小孩 我们就会——点外卖
Cuz we do have all the raw materials for a baby in our kitchen.
因为我们厨房里会准备一切婴儿需要的东西
It's like definitely a delivery and not a DiGiorno situation.
我们会点送到家门那种 而不是迪乔诺披萨那种
I don't know if you have ever heard anybody talk about sperm donors, I've heard it a lot.
不知道你们有没有听说过精子捐献 我听到过很多次
If we run in different circles.
就算我们生活在不同的圈子
People always talk about it the same way.
人们总是用相同的口吻说起这件事
They'll be like oh, we got the best one.
他们总是说 我的精子质量是最好的
We got the best sperm.
我的是最好的
We got like a whole book full of baby pictures of dudes that want to donate sperm,
我们会拿到一整本书 上面都是宝宝的照片 还有愿意捐献精子的人
baby pictures of those dudes and we looked through it and we picked the hottest baby.
我们翻来翻去 在上面找最好看的宝宝
And then we made sure that baby was smart and it was.
以此保证这个宝宝是最聪明的 最好看的
It was like a hot, smart baby.
就是这样
And that baby grew up to do many things.
宝宝长大后会做很多事
That baby was a political organizer, a senator and then the president of the United States.
他可能长大后会参与政治 做议员 当上美国总统
And you are like Barack Obama was your sperm donor.
你会想 捐赠这颗精子的是巴拉克·奥巴马吗
And they are like we can neither confirm or deny but look at the child's ears, my point is—
然后他们回答说 我们不能明确告知你答案 但是你看这个宝宝的耳朵 可我想说——
Mr. President, my point is I think it's the wrong strategy.
总统先生 我想说 这样是不对的
It's not my strategy.
我不会这么选
I don't want the best guy in the book.
我不会选书中最优秀的宝宝
I want the worst guy in the book.
我会选最不起眼的宝宝
I want a guy who is like irresponsible, picked up for loitering,
我要选那个不负责任的 整日游手好闲的人
you are at a party with this guy and the party runs out of Doritos
他去参加一个聚会 聚会上的立体脆吃完了
so he goes to get more Doritos and on the way back to the party he eats all the Doritos!
他去拿他在回去的路上就会把立体脆全都吃完
What a selfish guy!
多自私啊
See, I want that guy
我想选这样的宝宝
because then later when my wife and I are raising our baby and our baby screws up,
因为后面我和妻子抚养这个宝宝的时候
because all children screw up, I can turn to my wife and be like, that was not us.
如果她犯错 因为所有小孩都会犯错嘛 我就可以跟妻子说 不是我们的问题
That was Dorito fingers for sure.
是偷吃立体脆的那个人的问题
You guys, thank you so much, I'm Cameron Esposito.
谢谢大家 我是卡梅伦·艾斯波西多