I remember my aunt brushing my hair when I was a child.
我还记得小时候，姑姑帮我梳头发。
I felt this tingling in my stomach, this swelling in my belly.
肚子里那种搔痒的感受，慢慢鼓胀的热度。
All her attention on me, just me.
她所有的注意力都在我身上，只在我身上。
My beautiful Aunt Bea, stroking my hair with a fine-bristled brush.
我美丽的毕雅姑姑，用鬃毛梳一下又一下梳着我的头发。
Do you have a memory like that that you can feel in your body right now?
你有没有像这样的记忆，到现在还让你记忆犹新？
Before language, we're all sensation.
在语言出现之前，我们全靠感觉。
As children, that's how we learn to differentiate ourselves in the world -- through touch.
孩提时代，我们用触摸界定自己在世上的位置。
Everything goes in the mouth, the hands, on the skin.
把东西放进嘴里、抓在手上，或用皮肤去感觉。
Sensation -- it is the way that we first experience love.
感性是我们最初体验到爱的方式。
It's the basis of human connection. We want our children to grow up to have healthy intimate relationships.
它是人类连结的基础。我们希望我们的孩子长大后能有健康、亲密的关系。
So as parents, one of the things that we do is we teach our children about sex.
身为父母，我们会做的其中一件事就是教我们的孩子关于性爱的知识。
We have books to help us, we have sex ed at school for the basics.
我们有书籍帮助我们，在学校也有基本的性教育。
There's porn to fill in the gaps -- and it will fill in the gaps.
有色情书刊影片来填补中间的缺口，而它们确实填满缺口。
We teach our children "the talk" about biology and mechanics, about pregnancy and safe sex,
我们教我们孩子的“那场谈话”，是关于生物的做法的，关于怀孕和安全性交的，
and that's what our kids grow up thinking that sex is pretty much all about. But we can do better than that.
在成长过程中，孩子大概就会认定性爱就是全部了。但我们能做得更好。
We can teach our sons and daughters about pleasure and desire, about consent and boundaries,
我们能教导我们的儿子女儿了解愉悦和欲望，同意和界线，
about what it feels like to be present in their body and to know when they're not.
灵肉合一的感受和灵魂出窍的时刻。
And we do that in the ways that we model touch, play, make eye contact -- all the ways that we engage their senses.
而我们的做法是，我们会模仿触摸、玩乐、做眼神接触--动用感觉的各种方式。
We can teach our children not just about sex, but about sensuality.
我们能教孩子的不只是性爱，还有感性。
This is the kind of talk that I needed as a girl.
我小时候就需要这样的谈话。
I was extremely sensitive, but by the time I was an adolescent, I had numbed out.
我当时非常敏感，但当我成了青少女之后，我麻木了。
The shame of boys mocking my changing body and then girls exiling me for, ironically, my interest in boys, it was so much.
男孩们取笑我身体的改变，让我感到羞耻，女孩们因为我对男孩的兴趣，而背弃我。
I didn't have any language for what I was experiencing; I didn't know it was going to pass.
我无法用言语形容我当时所体验到的；我不知道它会不会过去。
So I did the best thing I could at the time and I checked out.
所以我做了当时我能做的最佳决策，我决定逃避。
And you can't isolate just the difficult feelings, so I lost access to the joy, the pleasure, the play,
你不能只把难过的感受分离开来，所以我也失去了乐趣、愉悦、玩乐，
and I spent decades like that, with this his low-grade depression, thinking that this is what it meant to be a grown-up.
我数十年来都那样过日子，带着这种劣等的沮丧，想着，原来当大人就是这么一回事。
For the past year, I've been interviewing men and women about their relationship to sex and I've heard my story again and again.
过去一年，我访谈了很多男男女女，谈他们和性爱的关系，我一次又一次听到我的故事。
Girls who were told they were too sensitive, too much.
女孩们被别人说是太敏感、太过头。
Boys who were taught to man up -- "don't be so emotional."
男孩被别人教导要有男子气概--“不要这么情绪化。”
I learned I was not alone in checking out.
我发现，我不是唯一逃避的人。
It was my daughter who reminded me of how much I used to feel. We were at the beach. It was this rare day.
是我女儿提醒了我，让我想起我以前的感受多深。我们在海滩上。那是个难得的日子。
I turned off my cell phone, put in the calendar, "Day at the beach with the girls."
我把手机关机，在日历上记着“和女孩去海滩的日子”。
I laid our towels down just out of reach of the surf and fell asleep.
我把我们的毛巾放在海浪刚好冲不到的地方，然后就睡着了。
And when I woke up, I saw my daughter drizzling sand on her arm like this,
当我醒来时，我看到我女儿把沙子这样洒在她的手臂上，
and I could feel that light tickle of sand on her skin and I remembered my aunt brushing my hair.
我可以感觉到她的皮肤因为沙子造成轻微痒痒的感受，接着我就想起了我的姑姑帮我梳头。
So I curled up next to her and I drizzled sand on her other arm and then her legs.
我爬到她旁边，我把沙子洒到她的另一只手臂上，接着是她的双腿上。
And then I said, "Hey, you want me to bury you?"
接着，我说：“嘿，你想要我把你埋起来吗？”
And her eyes got really big and she was like, "Yeah!"
她的眼睛睁得好大，说：“好啊！”
So we dug a hole and I covered her in sand and shells and drew this little mermaid tail.
所以我们挖了个洞，我用沙子和贝壳把她盖起来，画出小美人鱼的尾巴。

And then I took her home and lathered her up in the shower and massaged her scalp and I dried her off in a towel.
接着，我带她回家，按摩她的头皮，用毛巾把她擦干。
And I thought, "Ah. How many times had I done that -- bathed her and dried her off
我心想：“啊，每天我日复一日这么做--帮她洗澡，把她弄干，
but had I ever stopped and paid attention to the sensations that I was creating for her?"
但我是否曾经停下来留意她现在的感受？
I'd been treating her like she was on some assembly line of children needing to be fed and put to bed.
我对待她的方式，彷佛她正在一条装配在线，需要被喂饱送上床睡觉的孩子的装配线。
And I realized that when I dry my daughter off in a towel tenderly the way a lover would,
我突然意识到，当我像情人般温柔地用毛巾把我女儿擦干时，
I'm teaching her to expect that kind of touch.
我就是教导她去期待那样子的触碰。
I'm teaching her in that moment about intimacy.
在那一刻，我在教导她什么是亲密。
About how to love her body and respect her body.
教导她如何去爱、去尊敬她的身体。
I realized there are parts of the talk that can't be conveyed in words.
我了解到，“那场谈话”有一部分是无法用文字传达的。
In her book, "Girls and Sex," writer Peggy Orenstein finds that young women are focusing on their partner's pleasure, not their own.
佩吉·奥伦斯坦写了一本书，叫《女孩与性》，在书中，她发现年轻女性会把焦点放在让伴侣愉悦上，而非让自己愉悦。
This is something I'm going to talk about with my girls when they're older,
当女儿们再大一些时，我会想要和她们谈，
but for now, I look for ways to help them identify what gives them pleasure and to practice articulating that.
但现在，我希望协助她们认识愉悦的来源，以及如何表达她们的需求。
"Rub my back," my daughter says when I tuck her in.
当我哄女儿上床时，她说：“揉搓我的背。”
And I say, "OK, how do you want me to rub your back?"
我说：“好，你希望我怎么揉搓你的背？”
"I don't know," she says. So I pause, waiting for her directions.
她说：“我不知道。”所以我暂停下来，等她的指示。
Finally she says, "OK, up and to the right, like you're tickling me."
终于，她说：“好，向上向右，就像你在搔我痒一样。”
I run my fingertips up her spine. "What else?" I ask. "Over to the left, a little harder now."
我把我的指尖顺着她的脊椎向上移。我问：“还有呢？”“移去左边，现在再用力一点。”
We need to teach our children how to articulate their sensations so they're familiar with them.
我们需要教导我们的孩子如何清楚表达他们的感受，她们才知道如何表达。
I look for ways to play games with my girls at home to do this.
我希望我可以和她们在游戏中达成这个目标。
I scratch my fingernails on my daughter's arm and say, "Give me one word to describe this." "Violent," she says.
我用我的指甲抓我女儿的手臂，说：“用一个词来形容这感觉。”她说：“暴力。”
I embrace her, hold her tight. "Protected," she tells me.
我拥抱她，紧紧搂着她。她告诉我：“被保护着。”
I find opportunities to tell them how I'm feeling, what I'm experiencing, so we have common language.
我会找机会告诉她们我的感受、我的体验，我们才会有共通语言。
Like right now, this tingling in my scalp down my spine means I'm nervous and I'm excited.
就像现在，从头皮延着脊椎一路下来的轻痒，意味着我很紧张也很兴奋。
You are likely experiencing sensations in response to me.
你可能也会我的感受而有些共鸣。
The language I'm using, the ideas I'm sharing.
我使用的词语、我分享的想法。
And our tendency is to judge these reactions and sort them into a hierarchy: better or worse, and then seek or avoid them.
我们倾向将这些感受分级，把它们分类、分阶层，较好的、较差的，接着去寻求或避免它们。
And that's because we live in this binary culture and we're taught from a very young age to sort the world into good and bad.
那是因为我们住在二元文化中，很小的时候，我们就被教导要把世界分成善与恶。
"Did you like that book?" "Did you have a good day?"
“你喜欢那本书吗？”“你今天过得好吗？”
How about, "What did you notice about that story?" "Tell me a moment about your day. What did you learn?"
为什么不说，“对那个故事，你注意到什么？”“你今天有什么特别的事。你从中学到什么？”
Let's teach our children to stay open and curious about their experiences, like a traveler in a foreign land.
让我们教导孩子对他们的经验体验保持开放和好奇心，就像在异地的旅人。
And that way they can stay with sensation without checking out
这么一来，他们就不会逃避自己的感觉，
even the heightened and challenging ones -- the way I did, the way so many of us have.
即使是很强烈很挑战的感觉--不要像我以前那样，不要像我们许多人那样。
This sense education, this is education I want for my daughters.
这种感觉教育，是我希望我女儿能接受的教育。
Sense education is what I needed as girl. It's what I hope for all of our children.
我小时候需要的就是感觉教育。我也希望所有我们的孩子都能得到。
This awareness of sensation, it's where we began as children.
这种对于感觉的意识，是我们身为孩子的起始点。
It's what we can learn from our children and it's what we can in turn remind our children as they come of age. Thank you.
是我们能够向孩子学习的东西，也是当她们逐渐成长，我们能够反过来提醒她们的东西。谢谢你们。