Hi. Um, so I like to eat.
大家好 我很喜欢吃东西
Sorry. I'm sorry.
抱歉 抱歉
I do. It is my favorite of the survival-based activities.
我真的很喜欢吃东西 吃是多种维持生命所需技能中我最喜欢的一种
Sure, I'll breed, but I don't enjoy it.
我当然也会生小孩 但我并不喜欢
Yeah. No. Thank you. I don't like that.
谢谢 我真的不喜欢
I always heard this thing you're not supposed to shop when you're hungry.
我老是听人家说 不要在饥饿的时候买东西
I think they are talking about grocery shopping.
我觉得他们指的应该是百货商店
I find it true across the board.
我觉得说得很对
Like if I go to a department store hungry and I end up coming home with a lot of meat-colored clothing.
比如如果我饿的时候去逛商场 那我买回来的衣服会全部都是肉色的
I've been obsessed with food for a long time.
这么长时间以来 我一直都很喜欢吃
When I was in the second grade the teacher said to me
我二年级的时候 老师问我
if I had twelve tacos and you have two tacos
如果我有12 个玉米卷 而你只有两个
and I gave you 1/3 of my tacos and what would you have
如果我把我的玉米卷分给你三分之一 你就拥有了什么
and I said a friend for life.
我回答说一生的朋友

We still keep in touch.
我们现在还保持着联系
I was born a month early
我出生的时候比预产期早了一个月
and I'm pretty sure it is because I thought I smelled wings.
这一点我很确定 因为我当时闻到鸡翅的味道了
I wanted out.
所以想出来
I love nachos.
我超爱墨西哥玉米片
I love nachos,
我超爱玉米片
but I am done getting them in a restaurant with a group of women as a shared appetizer.
但我特别讨厌跟一群女的在饭店吃饭的时候分享这道菜
The same thing happens every time.
这种事总是发生在我身边
The moment that the nachos arrive at the table,
玉米片一端上桌
the women always act surprised by the size of the plate.
这些女人就假装惊讶得喊 怎么有这么大一盘
It is same plate every time. It is a nacho plate.
然而每次盘子的大小都是一样的 不过是个玉米片的盘子而已
They can't believe how big it is.
他们老不相信盘子就是这么大
They are like oh, my god! What?
他们喊着 我的天 这是啥
We had no idea when we ordered the nachos grande.
我们点菜的时候不知道有这么大啊
We're women. We eat like birds.
我们是女孩子 我们的胃跟鸟差不多大
Big bird!
那我就是只大鸟好了
I get sucked into it. That is the worst part.
这种事太恶心了 这是最恶心的部分
I get sucked into this farce.
我真是看够了这种闹剧
I start acting like I don't know how to handle the nachos.
我就假装自己不知道怎么吃
Like I'm cupping them.
我就用手拿着吃
Am I doing it?
我真的这么做了吗
Oh, my god, I did it!
是真的
Did I do it? I think I did it.
真的吗 真的
Meanwhile at home, I'm making tray after tray of nachos.
然而在家里 我都是一盘一盘吃的
I can handle them at home.
我在家里就没什么好顾忌的了
At home, if a couple of nachos slip off the set of the tray,
在家的时候 如果几片玉米片从托盘中掉出来
I'm hacky sack kicking them.
我就把掉落的几片踢起来
Kick them over my shoulders at home.
然后头往后仰把它吃掉
Thank you.
谢谢
I love pizza. I love pizza. Who doesn't?
我还很喜欢吃披萨 谁会不喜欢披萨呢
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
谢谢 谢谢
I love it, but I will not get with it a group of people. No thank you.
我就很喜欢吃披萨 但我从来不会跟一群人一起去吃 不 谢了
No, that is a nightmare too stressful.
因为跟别人一起吃披萨简直像噩梦一样 压力太大了
No one orders enough.
大家自己点的都不够
I've never once seen anyone order enough pizza.
我从来没见有人点单的时候点够过
Not a single time has that ever happened.
一次都没有
I don't have the courage to speak up.
我又不敢说出来
People say this term. Pizza party. A pizza party.
人们用披萨聚会这个词来描述这个活动 披萨聚会哈
No. There is no such thing.
不存在的
I had never seen a pizza party.
我从来没见到过一次真正意义上的披萨聚会
It ain't no party. It ain't no party.
没有聚会 没有聚会
What it is is a fight to fill up.
那就是一场为了填饱肚子而进行的战争
While pretending you enjoy the company of friends.
同时还要假装有朋友在身边你很开心
Personally, I need a minimum of three slices.
就我个人来说 我至少要吃三片才够
I need a minimum of three in order to have a chance of satisfaction.
我要至少吃三片才吃得饱
And I need to know in advance all's well that ends well as long as I end up with three.
我得提前知道 我最后能吃到三片披萨 那就万事大吉
The first thing is just me noticing that I'm eating pizza.
头等大事就是吃披萨
Not really eating it yet.
其实也并不是真的在吃啦
The second slice, I could enjoy it but not if I know that is my final slice.
第二片披萨 只有我知道还会有第三片的情况下 我才能吃得开心
I really need to know there is a third slice waiting kind of a dismount slice in order to enjoy the second slice of pizza for me.
真的 必须要有第三片披萨摆在我面前 我才能好好享受第二片
It is pretty much my only opportunity to live in the present in this life.
只有这样 我才能好好的活到现在
I don't like when I'm with a group of friends and we're sitting around
我特别不喜欢的一种情况是 我跟一群朋友在餐厅坐着
and there is a closed pizza box on the coffee table
咖啡桌上放着一个盖着盖子的披萨盒子
and I've lost track of who has had what and I don't know if there is any pizza in there.
不知道现在该谁拿了 也不知道里面还有没有披萨
That is personal hell.
对我来说简直是种煎熬
Usually I'm very on top of it.
慢慢的我就学会了一种技能
Usually I'm like a Las Vegas casino card counter.
我就像是拉斯维加斯赌场上那个会算牌的人
I can carry on conversations and still be aware he is on his third slice.
我能一边跟大家聊天 一边关注着 哦 那个人已经在吃第三片了
He is skipping his crusts, which I think is wrong.
他没有吃外面的皮 简直太过分了
But every once in a while someone wants to tell you about a death in the family over here
但是有时 有人跟你说他家里刚有人去世了
and you have to give them eye contact and that's when it happens.
你就不得不给他一个安慰的眼神 然后
That's when you lose track.
你就不知道刚刚算到哪儿了
It is hell, but I have a little excuse prepared just for those moments.
这种感觉太糟糕了 但我准备了几个借口来应对这种场合
Because you have to go for it. You have to go for it in this life.
因为遇到这种事是难免的嘛 人生无常
I looked it up. You know?
我抬起头 你明白吗
You have to have courage. You have to go for it.
你必须要有勇气 要去面对这些事情
Oh, I wasn't looking for another slice.
哦 我没在看另一片披萨啊
I go I just wanted to see if there was one of those little white plastic tables.
我说 我只是想看看还有没有那种白色的塑料小盘子
I like to take those home and put them in my garbage doll house.
我想带几个回家放在我的玩具间里
I'll tell friends and family I have a garbage doll house at home made almost exclusive of food-based trash
我会告诉我的朋友和家人 我家里有一个玩具间 里面都是不用的食物垃圾
because I'd rather be perceived as a food trash hoarder than still hungry.
因为我宁愿被别人以为有食物垃圾收集癖 也不愿意让别人知道我还是很饿
That is all for me. Thank you so much.
以上 谢谢大家