I wrote this poem after hearing a pretty well known actress tell a very well known interviewer on television,
在我看到电视上一个很著名的女星对一个非常著名的记者说：
"I'm really getting into the Internet lately. I just wish it were more organized." So...
“我最近迷上互联网了，不过我希望互联网更加有秩序”之后，我写了这首诗。所以...
If I controlled the Internet, you could auction your broken heart on eBay.
如果我主宰了互联网，你可以在eBay上拍卖你破碎的心。
Take the money; go to Amazon; buy a phonebook for a country you've never been to
拿到钱，就上Amazon买一本你从没去过的国家的电话号码本，
call folks at random until you find someone who flirts really well in a foreign language.
随机的拨打，直至你找到一个可以用流利的外语调情的人。
If I were in charge of the Internet, you could Mapquest your lover's mood swings.
如果我主宰了互联网，你可以知道你情人的心情地图。
Hang left at cranky, right at preoccupied, U-turn on silent treatment, all the way back to tongue kissing and good lovin'.
在抑郁的路口左转，在心神不宁处右转，在冷战的路口掉头，直至回到甜蜜亲吻的瞬间。
You could navigate and understand every emotional intersection.
你将理解并驶过每个感情的交叉口。
Some days, I'm as shallow as a baking pan, but I still stretch miles in all directions.
有时候，我像烤盘一样浅薄，但我同样畅通无阻。
If I owned the Internet, Napster, Monster and Friendster.com would be one big website.
如果我主宰了互联网，Napster（P2P音乐分享网站），Monster（求职网站）和Fridendser.com（社交网站）将会合并成一个网站。
That way you could listen to cool music while you pretend to look for a job and you're really just chattin' with your pals.
你可以欣赏美妙的音乐，却假装你在找工作，而事实上，你只是在跟朋友们聊天。
Heck, if I ran the Web, you could email dead people.
嘿！如果我主宰了互联网，你可以给死人发送电邮。
They would not email you back -- but you'd get an automated reply.
虽然他们无法回信给你，但你会得到一封自动回复。
Their name in your inbox -- it's all you wanted anyway.
他们的名字在你的收件夹出现--反正你要的不过也是如此。
And a message saying, Hey, it's me. I miss you.
内容写着：喂，是我。我想你。

Listen, you'll see being dead is dandy. Now you go back to raising kids and waging peace and craving candy.
听着，你以后就会知道死亡有多棒。你现在继续去养孩子、鼓吹和平和渴望糖果吧。
If I designed the Internet, childhood.com would be a loop of a boy in an orchard, with a ski pole for a sword, trashcan lid for a shield, shouting,
如果我主宰了互联网，“童年.com”将是一个循环，一个孩子在果园里，以滑雪杆为剑，以垃圾桶盖为盾，呼喊：
"I am the emperor of oranges. I am the emperor of oranges. I am the emperor of oranges." Now follow me, OK?
“我是橙子大帝，我是橙子大帝，我是橙子大帝。”跟着我的思考方式一起，好吗？
Grandma.com would be a recipe for biscuits and spit-bath instructions. One, two, three.
“祖母.com”将会是饼干秘方和性爱指南。一，二，三。
That links with hotdiggitydog.com. That is my grandfather.
那会链接到“爽歪歪.com”。那是我的祖父。
They take you to gruff-ex-cop-on-his-fourth-marriage.dad.
它们会带你到“脾气暴躁婚姻失败.爸爸”。
He forms an attachment to kind-of-ditzy-but-still-sends-ginger-snaps-for-Christmas.mom,
他发送了附件给“有点神经兮兮但是依然派发圣诞点心.妈妈”
who downloads the boy in the orchard, the emperor of oranges, who grows up to be me -- the guy who usually goes too far.
她下载了果园中的男孩，那个橙子大帝，男孩长大后，便成了我，无比彪悍的我。
So if I were emperor of the Internet, I guess I'd still be mortal, huh?
所以，如果我是互联网大帝，我想，我将依然是个凡人，对吧？
But at that point, I would probably already have the lowest possible mortgage and the most enlarged possible penis
不过，到那时候，我将会拥有最低利率的抵押贷款和大的已经无法再大的阳具，
so I would outlaw spam on my first day in office. I wouldn't need it.
在我上班的第一天，我会禁止所有垃圾广告。我不需要那些。
I'd be like some kind of Internet genius, and me, I'd like to upgrade to deity and maybe just like that -- pop! -- I'd go wireless.
我会是个互联网天才，我希望升级为神人，就像那样... 砰！我变无线了。
Huh? Maybe Google would hire this.
哈？搞不好谷歌会用我这个主意。
I could zip through your servers and firewalls like a virus
我能快速穿梭于你的服务器和防火墙，就像病毒一样，
until the World Wide Web is as wise, as wild and as organized as I think a modern-day miracle/oracle can get,
直到万维网成为智能、狂热、整洁的现代奇迹，
but, ooh-eee, you want to bet just how whack and un-PC your Mac or PC is going to be when I'm rocking hot-shit-hot-shot-god.net?
但，你们要不要赌赌看，你们的计算机会变得多不计算机化，一旦我掌控了热门神人的网站？
I guess it's just like life. It is not a question of if you can -- it's: do ya?
我猜，那就像生活，不是你能不能的问题，而是，你是否愿意。
We can interfere with the interface. We can make "You've got Hallelujah" the national anthem of cyberspace every lucky time we log on.
我们可以介入界面，我们可以把“哈里路亚”作为每次我们登录的虚拟世界的国歌。
You don't say a prayer. You don't write a psalm. You don't chant an "om."
你不用祈祷。你不用写赞美诗。你不用唱颂歌。
You send one blessed email to whomever you're thinking of at dah-da-la-dat-da-dah-da-la-dat.com. Thank you, TED.
只要发送一封祝福的邮件，给你在答答啦答答答答啦搭.com上想到的任何人。谢谢，TED。