Saturday was national try-too-hard-day on Instagram,
星期六是Ins上的用心良苦节
or as you guys call it, Halloween.
或者按照你们的说法万圣节
I've got tell you this was my first American Halloween.
我要说的是 这是我在美国过的第一个万圣节
And I have to tell you do it differently in this country.
你们过节的方式真是与众不同啊
I mean, you know, for example, in England, Halloween is very much a holiday for children.
举个例子 在英国 万圣节主要是孩子们过的
Here, I can't help feeling that it's been completely hijacked by adults,
而在这儿 我总是忍不住想美国的万圣节完全被成年人夺走了
who've gotten totally carried away. OK.
这些人真的太过分了
I can very much feel a lie between me and you now.
我觉得我的父母和你们的父母其中有一方在说谎
Honestly, here's a general rule of thumb, right.
根据经验
If you spent more time on your costume than your kid's costume,
如果你在你的服装上花的时间比在你孩子的服装上花的时间还多
then you're the most frightening part of Halloween, right.
那么你才是万圣节真正的可怕之处 不是吗
I don't even—stop clapping. It's ridiculous.
我都不——别鼓掌了 这很荒唐啊

I went to one house with my son
我跟我儿子进到一个房子里
where a guy had his throat slashed with blood shooting out of his neck.
里面有个人的脖子上开了一个大口子 血还在往外飙
I looked at my 4 year-old son who was in tears
我看着我四岁的儿子哭的稀里哗啦的
and I just went, let's just go to 7-eleven. Let's just do that.
我就跟他说 我们还是去7-11便利店吧 走吧
They've got full-sized candy bars there.
那儿有超大的糖果哦
That's how bad Halloween has gotten.
万圣节就已经堕落成这样了
A 7-eleven is less scary than a house in Santa Monica.
圣莫尼卡的房子比7-11还可怕
Like, it's not the whole thing.
不止这些
If you're a sex offender, right,
就好像是一个性侵犯
you have to go door to door announcing your presence in the neighborhood.
还要挨家挨户地跟别人说自己来了
But if you have a decapitated corpse hanging from a tree outside your house,
但如果你家外面的树上挂着一具没头的尸体
parents are like, ooh, I bet he's got good candy.
你的父母就只会说 哇 我猜他肯定拿到了最好的糖果
Which is ridiculous because they both have good candy. Think about it.
但其实他们都拿到了好吃的糖果啊 想想看 多荒唐
Here in L.A., right?
在洛杉矶
Since moving here to L.A., a lot of parents they normally freak out if their kids have sugar.
自从搬到洛杉矶来住 如果孩子手里拿着糖果 父母通常会被吓一大跳
Do you know what I mean?
你们明白我想说什么吗
Except for one night of the year
只除了一天 在这一天
where they fill their children with just an endless amount of candy.
父母会把孩子的口袋塞得满满当当
The children then get amped up and go crazy.
孩子们都乐疯了
Then 20 minutes later they're crying their eyes out, that they don't know what's going on,
结果20分钟之后 不知为何 他们都哭得泪流满面
which I guess is still a great way to teach them about the dangers of cocaine.
我觉得这也是一个很好的告诉他们可卡因很危险的方法
It's similar. It's similar up and down.
两个过程差不多啊 都是同样的大起大落
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what superhero your kid goes as.
最后 你家小孩装扮成什么超级英雄已经不重要了
Because after eating two blocks worth of candy,
反正吃了一路的糖之后
they all just become the hulk. Right? They do.
它们都会变成绿巨人 真的
This is going to sound like a lie,
我下面要说的听起来像是编的
but on Saturday, I saw a 6 year old pick up a car and throw it.
但是就在周六 我亲眼看见一个六岁的孩子举起了一辆小汽车 并扔在了一边
Another thing that's become so prevalent in recent years is couples costumes.
近几年逐渐普及的还有情侣服
I feel like always one person gets the short end of the straw with these costumes.
我发现两个人里总有一方要吃点儿亏
Do you know what I mean?
你们明白我意思吗
Like the guy's saying to his girlfriend,
男生对女生说
listen baby, I love you, I cherish you,
听着亲爱的 我爱你 也珍惜你
you're my angel and I want the world to know.
你是我的天使 并且这一点我想让全世界都知道
So I'm thinking this Halloween,
所以我在想 万圣节的时候
I'm going to dress up like a pimp and you're going to go my skank-ass ho.
我就装扮成一个男妓 然后你来演一个风流女嫖客
And she's like yeah, totally. Yeah. That would be great.
然后女生说 好啊 太棒了
Honestly, who are these couples?
说真的 这是些什么情侣啊
I honestly think that wearing a couple's Halloween costume
我觉得万圣节穿这样的情侣装
is a great way of letting everyone know that you guys stopped having sex years ago.
只能让大家都知道你们几年前就不上床了
I mean look at this. Look at this couple. Look at that. Come on.
瞧瞧 瞧瞧这对儿 天呐
You never look at a couple dressed as Spongebob and Patrick and think,
你看着这种打扮成海绵宝宝和派大星的情侣
oh yeah, they're getting laid tonight.
怎么会觉得会有人想和他们上床
No chance. That guys never going to bikini bottom again.
不存在的 这些人永远都不会是超人
Thank you. Thank you. One of my own.
谢谢 谢谢