Radio: Three minutes before ten o' clock on a Friday in New York City and we've got you
rockin' and rollin'...
Ben: I keep forgetting; how old do you have to be to drive in this state again?
Jason: Get in side, Ben, now!
Maggie: Move it, Mister!
Jason: Joyriding in our car!
Maggie: Driving without a licence!
Jason: Without insurance!
Ben: Let's not forget the good news!
Maggie: What?
Ben: I'm home before my curfew.
Maggie: Ben, we are very, very disappointed in you. What were you thinking of?
Ben: I also wore my seatbelt the whole time.
Jason: That's it Ben, you're grounded! Go to your room!
Ben: For wearing my seat belt! I don't think that's very responsible parenting.
Jason: Not another word Ben.
Ben: I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry. I know I screwed up big, and I'll never do it
again. I don't know if you guys remember but it's pretty tough being a teen.
Maggie: Ben, honey, we love you very much; and that's why we're just a little disappointed.
Ben: Thanks for understanding. So, how about roasting us some hot dogs?
Jason: I said, go to your room!
Ben: I'm still grounded!
Maggie: Well, until we can think of the rest of your punishment.
Ben: I don't get it; I hugged you guys and everything.
Jason: I was moved. Go to your room.
Ben: This isn't the way it happens on TV.
Maggie: What's TV got to do with this?

Ben: In every family, on every TV show, when the kids mess up, all they have to do is hug
before the last commercial! Where the heck have you been?
Jason: Well, do you see any cameras here? Do you see any lights? This is not TV, Ben. This is
the real world! Problems just aren't solved that easy.
Ben: I know, Dad; that's why they have two-parters.
Jason: Ben!
Ben: Bart Simpson blew up a toilet, and he wasn't sent to his room.
Jason: He's a cartoon!
Ben: Yeah, so think how easy it should be for us humans.
Jason: I want you to go to your room...I want you to think about what you did wrong.
Ben: I'll tell you what's wrong; me being stuck here in the real world and not on TV.

Ben: What did I do, and why it was wrong. I got caught. That's probably wrong too.
Voice from above: Cut! Cut! Cut! Once again, from the top!
Ben: Hey, who are you?
Film crew: Special Effects.
Producer: Err...we're gonna have to do that again; it's way to big of a pause. Did you forget
your line?
Ben: What line? Who are you? What's going on here?
Producer: Don't play games; the director's in a bad mood.
Director: In a very bad mood. Every one whose name begins with a G is fired. Mmmm!
Ben: Hey, where's the rest of my bedroom? Where am I?
Producer: Meet The Seavers, opening scene. Take two. Remember, your first line is said very
softly. In five, four, three...
Ben: Aarrgghh!!!!

Ben: Aarrgghh! All of you, out! Come on, get out of my room! Get back! Get out of my room!
Producer: Jeremy! Jees, you're making me look bad.
Ben: Mom! Dad! What is going on here?
Director: That's what I want to know, Jeremy. We're doing a show here in two hours and this
Emmy winning director doesn't need this grief.
Ben: Why are you calling me Jeremy? Who is that? Is that God?
Producer: He is to me.
Director: Susan! Susan, give Jeremy his line for the last time.
Susan: I've got to tell Mom and Dad how sorry I am and how much I love them.
Ben: This is too weird.
Susan: Tell me about it.
Ben: Dad! Dad! Boy, am I glad to see you. I've been looking all over for you. What is
happening?

Jason: No, Shh shh. Now you've got to tell the Disney people I cannot make that ribbon
cutting on the fifth. I got the Passover Parade with Morgan Fairchild.
Ben: Dad, I gotta talk to you.
Jason: Yeah, go ahead.
Ben: Dad, look something really weird is going on here. Our house, well, it's like our house,
but it isn't. There's all these strange people. I think I'm losing my mind.
Jason: Err...No, no, no! I was very clear babe; I said a definite, no, to the new match game,
and a definite, yes, to the new Hollywood square.
Ben: Dad, can you get off the phone...I'm dying here.
Jason: Jeremy, don't you have your real family to help you with that?
Ben: You are my real family! You called me Jeremy too.
Jason: Yes, I did. That's your name. That's what I've been calling you for six seasons. That is
your name isn't it? What's your name?
Ben: Dad!
Jason: I'm not your dad. I play your father on television. Meet the Seavers! Remember?
Ben: Huh?
Jason: It's not like I don't care about you like me real son...I do... No! It's centre square, or I
walk.
Ben: No, no, Dad, this is wrong. Come on, we are not a TV family. We are a real family.
Jason: Well, why don't they just bump Urkel?
Ben: Mom! Mom!
Maggie: What is it, honey?
Ben: I don't know. I don't know anything. I am going nuts here. It seems to me that someone
has gone to a lot of trouble to mess with my head.
Ashley: Mom...Mom!
Maggie: What, honey?
Ashley: Can I please spend the night at Desree's tonight. I promise I won't stay up late...
Ben: Mom, who is this? Why's she calling you, Mom?
Maggie: Oh, you know my daughter, Ashley.
Ben: My sister!
Maggie: My daughter.
Ben: My sister!
Maggie: My daughter.
Ben: No, Ashley's not your daughter, Carol and Chrissy are.
Maggie: Oh, oh, they're my TV daughters. Ashley's my real daughter. You do know the
difference between TV and real life.
Ben: What's happening to me?
Ashley: And to think, I used to think you were hot.
Hans: Hey, gorgeous!

Maggie: Oh, hi honey.
Hans: Baby.
Ben: Hey!
Hans: Ay!
Maggie: Jeremy Miller, what's gotten into you?
Ben: Mom, what are you doing? Dad's right over there.
Maggie: Oh, he is only my TV husband. Hans is my real life...friend. Now you should
apologise.
Ben: Believe me, I will never joy-ride in the family car again.
Maggie: Oh, Jeremy, can we run these lines a little later?
Carol: Somebody call a nurse; the klutz did it again!
Ben: You know me.
Carol: Get away from me, you disgust me.
Ben: Of course I do, I'm your brother.
Carol: I don't have any brothers. I have several sisters though; all of whom are mighty
talented.
Ben: Carol, look, I know we haven't gotten along and I know we have our differences, but I
have to ask you a favour...Stop kidding with me! I don't know if I can take it for another
minute.
Carol: Kevin, am I done for the afternoon?
Producer: Sue, we don't need you till the audio show.
Carol: Aha! Yippee.
Ben: OK, I'm gonna close my eyes and when I open 'em back up, I'm gonna be in my room.
One. Two. Three.
Chrissy: What the heck are you doing?
Ben: Chrissy, tell me you're Chrissy.
Chrissy: I'm Chrissy. But for eight weeks this summer, I'm gonna be Annie!
(Singing) The
sun'll come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom Dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun. Just thinking
about tomorrow cleans away the cobwebs and the sorrow, till there's no more. When I think of
the day that's grey and...
Ben: Aarrghh!
Chrissy: (singing) ...lonely. I just stick out my chin and grin and say. Everybody! Tomorrow I
love you! Tomorrow you're only a day away! Tomorrow! Tomorrow...
Ben: Hey, where's Mike? Mike Seaver.
Chauffeur: Over there. He thinks he can trick me.
Mike: Thanks for the support. See you later.
Ben: Yes or no, are you my brother or are you just an actor pretending to be?
Mike: Come again?
Kate: Ready for lunch, sweetheart?

Mike: Oh, hey, yeah, sounds great. You wanna join us?
Ben: Kate, you're here too.
Mike: What are you talking about? You know Chelsea.
Ben: Who's Chelsea?
Kate: Me.
Ben: No, you're Kate.
Mike: No, no, no. On TV, she's Kate, but in real life she's my girlfriend.
Ben: It's the same person!
Mike: Yeah. Don't you watch Entertainment Tonight?
Ben: Mike, if you're in there somewhere, please, you've got to help me. I said that life was
better on TV, and somehow I got stuck on this stupid TV show.
Mike: Hey, if you're unhappy with the TV show, maybe you should be talking with your agent.
Ben: I don't have an agent.
Kate: Well, you really shouldn't be surprised your parts gotten so small.
Ben: Hey, I just wanna get out of here!
Mike: Hey, not so loud. Remember what happened to Shelly Long? Oh, I've seen this happen
to so many kid actors.
Ben: I've got to go home.
Chauffeur: You got it kid.
Ben: You'll drive me.
Chauffeur: What do you think, they pay me to stand here and eat doughnuts?
Ben: Great! Alright! Yeah, I need to go to Long Island.
Chauffeur: I thought you wanted to go home.
Ben: That's where I live! Fifteen Robin Hood's Lane!
Chauffeur: You moved!
Ben: No I didn't move!
Chauffeur: Easy, easy, you're the boss. Kid actors!
Ben: Alright, this is my street!
Chauffeur: Here we are, Fifteen Robin Hood lane.
Ben: This can't be right.
Gas man: Afternoon! Fill her up?
Ben: Excuse me, is this fifteen Robin Hood Lane?
Gas man: You with the IRS?
Ben: No.
Gas man: Yes, it is.
Ben: Where's my house? I live at fifteen Robin Hood lane.
Gas man: Not unless you been sleeping on the lube racks.
Ben: What's happening to me? Where am I? Doesn't anybody know who I am?
Gas man: Hey, hold your horses, I do know you.
Ben: You do! Oh, thank God!
Gas man: Yeah, you're that kid on Meet the Seavers, Jeremy Muller. Hey can I have your
autograph for my little granddaughter? Her name's Bub. I've got some wet cement outside if
you'd like to take your shoes off.

Chauffeur: I wouldn't worry about it kid; some nights I forget where I live too.
Ben: Hey, I know. Take me to my grandma Urma's apartment in Manhattan.
Chauffeur: Has she got a bathroom?
Producer: Jeremy, where've you been? The audience is here. We're all set for the show.
Ben: Look, you've got the wrong guy. I can't act!
Producer: It's OK, the writers can't write.
Ben: Hey, what are you doing? I can't act! You've got the wrong guy. I cannot act! Let me go!
Host: OK, who's from out of town? Oh, yeah, yeah...
Audience: Woo!!
Host: Hey, wait! Ladies and gentlemen, there's Ben Seaver, Jeremy Miller!
Producer: Look, a word to the wise kid; you screwed up today's rehearsal. Guess who's not
happy.
Director: Me.
Producer: Come on! Come on! I want you to get in that car and be funny, like your life
depended on it.
Ben: But I don't even know what's going on here.
Producer: Oh, God. You've been out joy-riding, you're sneaking in the house, your parents
bust you.
Ben: But I already been through that.
Producer: Good! Maybe you can play it then.
Ben: Wait a minute; this is how this whole thing began.
Producer: Meet the Seavers. Episode number one forty. Have a good show gang! In five, four,
three, two...
Ben: This is too weird. I keep forgetting, how old do you have to be to drive in this state?
Jason: Inside Ben, now!
Maggie: Move it Mister!
Ben: This is how this whole thing started.
Director: Come on Jeremy! Were you not supposed to exit to the kitchen?
Ben: That's right, I did do that.
Director: I am not amused.
Maggie: Jeremy, what's gotten in to you? Just...just you know, just like we rehearsed; just go
into the kitchen and wait on your mark.
Producer: In five, four, three, two!
Ben: What's a mark?

Jason: Joyriding in our car!
Maggie: Driving without a license!
Jason: Without insurance!
Ben: Errm...I am back before my curfew.
Maggie: Oh, Ben, we are very, very disappointed in you. What were you thinking of?
Jason: I also wore my seatbelt the whole time.
Ben: Right...I also wore my seatbelt the whole time.
Jason: That's it Ben, you're grounded! Go to your room!
Ben: Which way would that be?
Maggie: You don't really go, you apologise.
Ben: Oh right. Errm...I'm sorry. I know I screwed up big and I'll never do it again. You guys
know how hard it is to be a teenager.
Maggie: Ben, we love you very much; that's why we were just a little disappointed.
Jason: Oh, what the heck, we forgive you! How about roasting up your man a couple of
hotdogs?
Maggie: Oh, there is nothing else I would rather do. Oh, don't worry Spot, he said hotdogs!
Ben: What's with you people?
Jason: This is the freeze frame.
Ben: No, no, wait. But you would not accept my apology with a stupid hug. You'd ground me.
Jason: Stop moving. You're running the freeze frame.
Ben: I don't care about the freeze frame! Come on, this is all wrong! This is not how it's
supposed to be.
Maggie: Oh.
Jason: What's going on? Did we change this bit in rehearsal or something?
Director: We most certainly did not!
Ben: In real life, this is not how it is at all.
Jason and Maggie: This isn't real life, this is television, Jeremy!!
Ben: Somebody, come on, you've got to help me please! I have to get out of here! I have to
get home!
Producer: Jeremy!
Ben: Is there anyone who can help me?
Producer: Come here.
Ben: You come here, please. I don't know you but you look like a real person, I...
Hans: Jeremy Miller everyone. He makes it just like real life!

Producer: Come here!
Ben: Get away from me!
Mike: Wow! Wow! Wow! Kevin! Kevin! I think I can help, just let me have a minute alone with
him.
Producer: Alright, Kirk, whatever you say.
Ben: Listen...
Mike: Shh. Come on, we can't talk here.
Ben: Look, whoever you are, I don't...
Mike: Ben, Ben, Benny, come on! It's me, Mike.
Ben: Mike! So, I'm not crazy!
Mike: Yes.
Ben: Wait a minute, how do I know it's really you? Mike, it is you!!
Mike: Yeah.
Ben: Come on, we have to get out of here, please!
Mike: Benny, Benny, come on. Be an adult. Now this is your world now.
Ben: Huh?
Mike: Yes. Ben, you're not crazy. OK, five years ago, I fell asleep instead of studying and I
have been trapped here ever since. Yeah, you wouldn't believe the stuff they've made me do.
Ben: There's no way out!
Mike: Don't you think if there was, I'd find one? Don't you think, I'd like to grow up a little on
the show? Act a bit more mature? Maybe even grow some facial hair! But no, they won't let
you! They own you!
Ben: Not me! Nobody owns me!
Mike: Hey, you can't escape! They know where you live! They built the set!
Security: I'll go this way. You and the dogs take the swamp!
Director: When you find him bring him to me. And if you can't find him, get me Fred Savage
on the phone. If you can't find him, bring me Urkel.
Director: Hi.
Director: This is the Director talking. Pay no attention to that man shouting in the microphone!
Ben: You're the great and powerful director! You're the guy everybody's afraid of! You're a
weenie!
Director: Please, don't tell. Please, please!
Ben: (with director's microphone) He's a weenie!
Director: Be quiet.
Ben: Man, I can't believe this; this is all phony...tricks! None of this is real!
Director: Look, I don't think you're getting the whole picture here, Jeremy.
Ben: Cut the act. My brother told me. I'm not Jeremy, I'm Ben Seaver.
Director: So you know. Well that doesn't change anything.
Ben: Yes it does! I want out.
Director: Sorry, no can do.
Ben: Why not?
Director: Well, if I let you out, I've got to let everybody out. Mike next and that little song a
dance kid.

Ben: But I don't want to be on TV. I want a real family.
Director: That's not what you said before.
Ben: When?
Director: Susan!
Susan: Page five, in the kitchen. I'll tell you what's wrong; I'm stuck here in the real world,
and not on TV.
Ben: Oh, no, I did say that.
Director: You certainly did.
Ben: And then I went to my room, and this whole nightmare started.
Director: Hey, it's not so bad, Ben. Let me explain how TV families work; you never have a
problem you can't solve in a half hour, you don't get sick, you never go to the bathroom... girls think you're cute and you always have something funny to say, thanks to, and this is our secret...the writers.
Ben: Hey, what are they doing to my room?
Director: Taking it down. If you're not gonna do the show, we gotta move on. Next week we
gonna do a very special... We could show a re-run.
Ben: I gotta get back there.
Director: Ben, I'm not finished talking to you yet.
Director: Stop him! Don't let him near his room! Stop him!

Ben: No, don't touch any of it. Back! Get away! Don't touch any of it! I'm gonna count to three,
then I'm gonna pull off the covers, I'm gonna be home, I'm gonna be grounded and I'm gonna
be so happy. One, two, three! Ah! No missing wall, no lights, no cameras, no weenie directors!!
Ha! Yes! I think I'll take the car out and celebrate! No, no, that would be wrong. Anybody do
you know who I am?
Carol: Someone I'd rather not be related to.
Ben: You admit we're related to! I love you.
Carol: Arrgh! Now I'm gonna have to shower again.
Maggie: Ben, what's gotten into you?
Ben: I've been thinking all night.
Jason: Good.
Ben: Yeah, I was wrong. The real world is much better than TV.
Jason: What? That's not what you're supposed to be thinking about. You're supposed to be
thinking about why you shouldn't drive.
Ben: I was?
Maggie: Yes Ben.
Ben: Well, I don't have to think about that. I knew it was wrong before I did it. That's why I
was sneaking in, but you guys don't have to get upset, you are welcome to punish me for it.
Jason: Oh, we will Ben, we will.

Ben: Great.
Jason: The grounding remains until further notice.
Ben: Deal.
Jason: The allowance is suspended for a month.
Ben: Super!
Jason: You will wash that car every weekend until you show some responsibility.
Ben: That's terrific.
Maggie: You're happy with all this!
Ben: Yeah, I'm just glad you're not kissing a man named Hans.
Jason: Hans!
Ben: And I'm glad you're not parades with Morgan Fairchild.
Maggie: Pardon me.
Ben: Look, I know this won't change a thing, but...I love you. I love you.
Jason: Who's Hans?
TV (Mike) Benny, Benny, help! Get me out of here. Benny, hurry, they're coming! Get me out
of here. Benny, come on, get me out! Quick, Benny...