TV He drives for the basket, two seconds, he's up, it's good!
Mike Jason and Ben: (cheering)
TV And the Knicks tie it up! We go into overtime!
Jason: Alright here we go!
Maggie: Jason! Chrissy and I are getting tired of waiting out in the car. You said the game
would be over in thirty seconds.
Jason: Great news, honey, the Knicks just tied it up, we're heading into overtime!
Maggie: No, we're not. We're going to Chrissy's playschool.
Jason: Hon...honey, hey, relax, relax, there's not gonna be any traffic out there. Everybody
who calls himself an American is watching this game.
Maggie: Jason! What's more important here, this silly game or Chrissy's first day at school?
Jason: Hey, hey, hey, did I mention it was overtime? I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Carol: Good, you guys are still here. Here Chrissy, it's my old animal pencil case, with the
elephant eraser and the zebra sharpener.
Maggie: Oh, it's so sweet of you, isn't it hon... Honey!
Jason: Yep, yep, yep. Just putting on my coat.
Maggie: You're wearing your coat.
Jason: OK, then we have a couple more minutes.
Mike: Dad, did you take me to my first day at pre-school?
Jason: Yeah, yeah. Missed the seventh game of the world series because of you.
Ben: What about me?
Jason: Missed the Reagan-Carter debate. That's why you've always been my favourite.
Maggie: Look Jason if you don't wanna go...
Jason: I wanna go! I'm coming! I wanna go! I've been waiting for Carol to stop babbling here
so we could hit the road.
Carol: Mom, Dad, I just think it's wonderful that you two are willing to start all over again with
Chrissy, at your age.
Just yesterday there was a segment on Operah, People with Kids.
Teacher: Is everybody ready for the toothbrush?
Kids: Yeah!
Teacher: Everybody brush your teeth! Ready, this is it! Up and down, all around, everybody
sit!
Maggie: Jason, they're so young.
Jason: Course they're young, honey, they're two.
Maggie: Not the kids, the parents.
Jason: Oh, they're not all that young.
Laurie: Excuse me, Dr. and Mrs. Seaver, I'm Laurie McNeill, I used to date Mike.
Jason: Oh, yeah, hi Laurie.
Laurie: Hi. Hi.
Maggie: Hi. And you have a beautiful baby.
Laurie: Thank you, this is Canaan.
Maggie: Hi Canaan.
Jason: Yeah, look at that, he's got dimples just like Mike.
Laurie: Yeah, there's a reason for that.
Jason: Huh?
Laurie: His Daddy has dimples like Mike's too.
Maggie: Oh, his Daddy does!
Laurie: Yes.
Maggie: Oh.
Jason: Oh, that's wonderful.
Laurie: It was nice seeing you guys.
Jason: Oh, so that's what a stroke feels like.
Teacher: Hi, I'm Sally Garner, welcome!
Maggie: Hi, Maggie and Jason Seaver and this is Chrissy.
Teacher: Hi Chrissy, I am so glad you are in our class.
Maggie: Well thanks.
Teacher: You know all the young parents can certainly profit from your mature experience.
Maggie: Mature! Well, we do plan to pass on so much of what we learned during world war
two.
Teacher: Really?
Jason: Na, na, na, na, I think my wife was just making a little joke there.
Teacher: You remind me of my mom, she's always making jokes that nobody gets.
Maggie: How nice.
Teacher: Come on Chrissy! I have some new friends over here that I want you to meet.
Jason: Come on Maggie, don't take it personally. She's just a kid. Maggie!
Maggie: Jason, we're the oldest parents here.
Jason: We are not! Come on, there's a guy our age. Hello, that looks like fun.
Man: It sure is. Hang on, honey.
Maggie: Your daughter sure is adorable.
Man: Granddaughter. Granddaughter. Yep, my kids stuck Grandpa with babysitting duty again.
But obviously you two know how that goes.
Maggie: It's ten fifteen, Jason, ten fifteen.
Jason: Maggie, easy, come on, Ben's only fifteen minutes late for his curfew.
Maggie: I don't need this after the day had!
Jason: What does the day we had have to do with Ben blowing curfew?
Maggie: Everything. Jason, do realise that we're going to be creaming kids for missing curfews
for at least another sixteen years. By then I'll look like one of the Golden Girls.
Jason: Maggie, don't even joke about that.
Maggie: I'm not, Jason, do you realise how old I'll be when we're going through this with
Chrissy?
Jason: Yes. A year older than me. Bad time for that one.
Mike: Hi guys, I'm not here, don't wait up!
Jason: Wait, wait, wait, you're going out now? Come on, it's after ten!
Mike: Come on, Dad, the party won't be going good till at least one or two.
Maggie: Mike!
Mike: Guys, guys, lighten up! Weren't you two ever young?
Maggie: Not that I can recall.
Mike: What'd I say?
Jason: Oh, just the worst possible thing at the worst possible time.
Mike: I didn't mean it.
Jason: You've got a gift. Get out, Mike.
Mike: You got it.
Jason: Honey, come on, I think you're over reacting... You know sometimes I'm glad Ben is
such a klutz; it makes him easier to catch.
Maggie: No, let me. I'm in the mood to chew somebody out.
Jason: Better him than me.
Maggie: Ben Seaver! Freeze! Do you happen to know what time it is, young man?
Ben: My watch says eight thirty. Good night.
Maggie: It is ten fifteen, Ben.
Ben: Well that's why the night seemed to drag on and on.
Maggie: I said, freeze, Mr. And I want the truth.
Ben: Oh, Mom, Dad, I'm sorry; I didn't think you'd still be awake.
Maggie: Oh, you think it's tough to stay up past ten!
Ben: It always has been.
Jason: So, you just figured you'd just sneak in; nobody'd be the wiser, huh?
Ben: Isn't the important thing here, that I'm home safe?
Maggie: Who says you're safe?
Jason: Ben, Ben, Ben, don't you think your mother and I are gonna get just a little tired of
having this conversation over and over again?
Ben: Well, then imagine how I feel.
Maggie: Ben, can the wise-guy stuff, I am in no mood.
Ben: Well then maybe we should talk about this in the morning...when you're fresh.
Maggie: I am plenty fresh. Now Ben, this is getting old, you have got to learn to listen. Now,
what do you have to say for yourself...and it better not be any back-talk.
Ben: Well...
Maggie: And don't tell me you're sorry.
Ben: Mom...
Maggie: I'm waiting!
Jason: Maggie...
Maggie: What?
Jason: why don't you and I have a word in the kitchen?
Maggie: Ah, Jason, I am busy here.
Jason: Maggie, the kitchen!
Maggie: Why?
Jason: Because I don't want Ben to see us arguing!
Maggie: Ben, if you move, or even think of moving before we get back, I'll...I'll do something
incredible! What is it Jason? What? I was just on a roll out there. I mean, he's gotta know that
we can keep up with me, that we're one step ahead!
Jason: Aw, Maggie, come on! The kid was just fifteen minutes late.
Maggie: Oh, just fifteen minutes late! Just fifteen minutes late! Well the next thing you know,
he's a hundred and fifteen minutes late...and then he stays out all night, and then he falls into
group of hardened criminals and the next thing you know, he's hiding out at the Vatican
embassy!
Jason: Sweetheart!
Maggie: Oh, you think I'm being irrational, don't you?
Jason: Well, I...
Maggie: Ha! Don't you? Huh?

Jason: I have the right to remain silent.
Maggie: Oh, I am being irrational.
Jason: Honey, you're tired.
Maggie: Oh, you wanna see tired? Wait till Chrissy's a teenager.
Jason: Oh, well didn't you and I always say that we wanted to grow old together?
Maggie: Yeah. You're only being rational because you're a year younger than me.
Jason: Thirteen months. Come on! We got a couple of good years left. Why don't you go and
take care of Chrissy while you still can.
Maggie: Coming Chrissy! Mommy's coming!
Carol: Mom, Chrissy's crying.
Maggie: Thank you, Carol.
Carol: Mom, you look tired.
Maggie: Well, kids can take a lot out of you.
Carol: That's why I intend to have my children when I'm young.
Maggie: Oh, it's OK sweetheart, Mommy's here. Mommy's here! You wanna rock a little bit?
Chrissy: Yeah.
Maggie: Yeah!
Chrissy: Yeah.
Maggie: Yeah. You're such a good girl. Just don't say I look good in this chair. Yeah, you're my
little angel, aren't you sweetheart? Hmm. For everybody's sake please stay that way. You
probably haven't done the math, Chrissy, but by the time you're eighteen, I'm gonna be...Oh,
I'm gonna be...
(Maggie's dream)
Maggie: We caught you this time, Chrissy Seaver!
Jason: This is getting really old, young lady.
Chrissy: Tell me about it.
Maggie: Chrissy Seaver, where have you been, we have been worried sick about you.
Chrissy: Mom, it's only ten thirty.
Jason: You've been gone three days.
Chrissy: No wonder these clothes kind of smell.
Maggie: Young lady, you are in big trouble and I am in no mood to fool around.
Jason: We haven't been in years.
Maggie: Jason, we are dealing with our daughter.
Jason: Right.
Maggie: Don't you know we worry about you?
Chrissy: Mom! Isn't the important thing that I'm home, safe?
Jason: I don't know, she has a point Maggie.
Maggie: The heck she does! Where have you been?
Chrissy: Out.
Maggie: Doing what? With who?
Chrissy: Mom, it's nobody's business what I do with my life and my body.
Maggie: Oh, my God.
Chrissy: Look, I'm sorry I upset you...here, I bought you back something.
Jason: Oh, my wallet, thanks Chrissy.
Chrissy: And Dad, I think a well-respected psychiatrist like yourself should have much higher
spending limits on his credit cards. you're letting my down.
Jason: I'm sorry, Chrissy. I'll make a call in the morning.
Maggie: Oh, Jason! She's conning us again. Don't let her do it.
Jason: You're right. Chrissy, you're just gonna have to...make do with these credit cards the
way they are.
Maggie: Oh, Jason, she conned us again.
Chrissy: Mom, is it a crime that I care about you? Is it a con that I love you? Cause that's how
I feel, even sometimes when I don't know how to say it.
Maggie: Oh, Chrissy, it's just that...
Chrissy: I know. You have your rules for my own good.
Maggie: Exactly.
Chrissy: So, that I can grow into a good person.
Maggie: Yes.
Chrissy: A happy person.
Maggie: Yes.
Chrissy: You know, it makes me unhappy when I have to follow your rules.
Maggie: Oh, Jason, look, we've made her cry.
Jason: I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Chrissy: But now you're gonna ground me!
Maggie: Oh, no we aren't, are we Jason?
Jason: No, siry!
Chrissy: But somehow you're gonna punish me for coming in just a few days late.
Jason: Yes, and your punishment will be...think about what you have done and why it's wrong.
Chrissy: OK. Done. Well, now that that's settled I'm gonna get something to eat. You guys are
the best.
Maggie: Oh, Jason, Jason, she's done it again.
Jason: She did what?
Maggie: She conned us out of punishing her!
Jason: Oh, yeah, she's a smart one, isn't she? Well, she cuts classes and gets straight A's.
Maggie: Yeah, she's got Mike's soul and Carol's brain.
Chrissy: Hey! There's no food in here!!
Maggie: And Ben's appetite. Jason, we can't keep letting her get away with this behaviour.
Jason: Oh, think about what it's gonna be like when we're old.
Maggie: Jason, we are old. Being thirteen months younger doesn't amount to a hill of beans
now, does it, Mr. soft food only?
Jason: I'm gonna talk to that girl, Maggie.
Maggie: Jason, I...
Jason: Yeah, I know what you're gonna say, that she won't listen to reason...
Maggie: What?
Jason: But didn't my long-winded discussions make a difference with Mike and Carol
and...Ben?
Maggie: No.
Jason: No! Well there's always a first time, Maggie. What did Chrissy do again?
Maggie: I'll come with you.
Jason: Not there.
Chrissy: Na. Yes.
Jason: Chrissy have a seat, we have to talk. What'd you call your mother?
Chrissy: Dad, what do you wanna talk to me about?
Jason: I wanna talk about...
Maggie: About being gone for three days.
Jason: About being gone for three days.
Maggie: My God, we've become the Ragins!
Chrissy: You know, I don't know what the big deal is? It's not like it's the first time I've
disappeared.
Jason: Exactly.
Chrissy: Dad, please, is this gonna be the responsibility lecture?
Jason: I'm torn between that one and the one that goes...err...some day you'll thank me for
this. I know your mother likes that. I mean I can do either because I'm in the mood...
Maggie: Just pick one!
Jason: Right. Chrissy, Chrissy, Chrissy!
Maggie: Oh, Jason, I hate this part. Just get to the point.
Jason: Chrissy, Chrissy, Chrissy... I can't start in the middle, Maggie!
Maggie: Chrissy, Chrissy, Chrissy, you're worrying me and your mother to death with all this
running around. I want it to stop, and stop this minute, young lady. Go from there.
Jason: And in the future...
Chrissy: And in the future, I want you to promise me that you'll never repeat this behaviour
again. Do it for yourself, if not for your mother and me.
Jason: I promise.
Maggie: Not you, her.
Chrissy: Hey, Jim, what's up?
Jim: I gotta get those breaks checked.
Chrissy: Mom, Dad, I want you to meet my fiancé, Jim.
Jim: Mrs. Seaver, Dr. Seaver!
Maggie: Oh, Jason, did you hear that?
Jason: Yeah, Doctor Seaver. I like this boy.
Maggie: No, Jason, fiancé!
Jason: Fiancé.
Maggie: Yes, do something.
Jason: Sausage?
Maggie: Chrissy, Chrissy, look, do you mean to tell me that you love this...this...
Jim: Off road hobbyist?
Chrissy: Yes, Mom, I love him very much.
Jim: And Doctor and Mrs. Seaver, I'm an honest kind of guy, so I wanna tell you I don't really
love your daughter, but with a body like that I'm gonna learn to. Come on Chrissy, hop on,
we're gonna be late for the party.
Chrissy: OK, I'm ready.
Jim: That's what I like about you.
Maggie: Oh, what party?
Jim: The one in your living room.
Maggie: Oh, Jason, Jason, let's go!
Jason: Maggie, we're not invited.
Maggie: Jason!
Jason: Alright let's go Maggie, come on! Maybe I'll try the old, be your self lecture, you know,
the one Mike never listened to?
Maggie: No more lectures! I'm taking over...Jason. Jason, you've lost it. I saw this coming
from the day we took Chrissy to play school and you wanted to watch that stupid basketball
game.
Jason: Maggie, you always had such enthusiasm for my skills as a parent.
Maggie: Yes, a long time ago. But frankly Jason, and I'll just say it, I've been faking my
enthusiasm for years. Jason, have you heard a word I've said?
Jason: Did the Knicks win that game, or is my memory faulty?
Maggie: Oh. Oh!
Maggie: Oh, my God, I can't believe this!
Jason: Yeah, that Jim can really shake his booty.
Maggie: Everyone shut up and listen now!
Partiers: Wow!
Maggie: I'm not going to lecture! I'm not going to psycho babble! I am just going to say that
this is my home and this is my daughter and I am not going to have this party continue in my
house for one more minute. Now, everybody out, now! Not you Jason.
Jim: Come on!
Chrissy: Wise up, Mom. You've lost it.
Maggie: Oh, Jason, she's right. I have lost it. It's all over. What are you doing here?
Mike: Handling this. Excuse me. Yo! Everybody, can I have your attention please! There is a
much cooler party, happening only three houses down, with live music and live animals! You
better hurry! Chrissy, don't you take another step!
Chrissy: But, Jim!
Jim: Oh, you heard him, babe! Live animals!
Chrissy: Mike, what in the hell do you think you're doing?
Mike: Well, first of all I am telling you to never, ever let me hear you use that language in
front of our parents! Show respect!
Chrissy: But Mikey!
Mike: Don't, Mikey, me! And you can turn off the phony tears. Chrissy, we are talking about
responsibility here. Now I'm gonna tell you something, and someday you'll thank me for this.
Jason: I gave him that one.
Mike: Is this who you really are? A bratty, spoilt little pain in the rear. Chrissy, Chrissy, Chrissy,
be yourself.
Jason: Gave him that one too.
Mike: And these two people are the best darn parents in the world. But do you appreciate it?
No. Let me share something with you; you know, it took me fifteen years to figure out that
everything they told me was right. And everything I thought, was completely wrong. Now
grow up! Go upstairs and get started on your homework.
Chrissy: But I get straight A's.
Mike: Is that the best you can do?
Chrissy: No. I'm sorry.
Maggie: Mike, so you have been listening to us all these years!
Jason: Us! I didn't hear him quoting you there, Maggie.
Mike: Well, when I heard you two were in trouble, I left the office and got here as quick as I
could.
Maggie: Oh, Mike, I've been meaning to ask you; what is it that you actually do?
Mike: Well, I don't really know. I'm very successful.
Maggie: Jason, our son is successful.
Carol: Mom, Dad! When my parents need me, the supreme court can wait. Is everything
alright?
Maggie: Oh, everything's wonderful...because of Mike.
Ben: I should've known. I left work early for nothing.
Jason: Ben, what is it you do again?
Ben: I work for Mike.
Mike: As Dad said over and over, it doesn't really matter what we do because we're family, we
rally together and we love you guys! Why else would we all still be living in this house?
Maggie: Jason, this is like a dream come true.
Jason: Oh, if it's a dream, I don't want to wake up, Maggie.
Maggie: What?
Jason: Wake up, Maggie. Wake up, Maggie.
Jason: Wake up, Maggie. Wake up, Maggie. Maggie, wake up. Wake up, Maggie.
Maggie: Jas...Jason, you're so young.
Jason: Thank you.
Maggie: Oh, and Chrissy's still a baby.
Jason: Yep.
Maggie: Oh, and...oh and I'm young too.
Jason: Mmm. What's all this about?
Maggie: Oh, Jason, we're gonna be OK. We're good parents, we're not losing it! We get
through to our kids; it doesn't always seem like it, but we do. Even your dumb lectures sink in!
Honey, it's OK if we get old, I mean its tough, but when we do, we can count on our kids and I
love you and I wanna grow old with you.
Jason: Dumb lectures! Wait a minute! What are all those cars doing pulling into our drive-way.
Mike's got about thirty kids going up to his place. Maggie, I'm gonna put a stop to this.
Maggie: Oh, Jason, don't be too tough on him. We're gonna need him to save the day, after
we've lost it.
Jason: Uh hu.
Maggie: Oh, and honey, one more thing; I have never, ever faked my enthusiasm for you.
Jason: It's a good thing for a guy to know.
Maggie: Oh, Chrissy, yes! Yes! Yes! What's this? No.