“We need to talk.”

“我们得谈谈。”

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

“问题不在你，而是在我。”

“I want a divorce.”

“我想离婚。”

“Oh, and I’ll need the chequebook back.”

“哦，还有，我需要你把支票簿还给我。”

If, through a series of drunken misunderstandings in a Mayfair/Los Angeles/Newcastle nightclub, you find yourself the new husband or civil partner of whichever reality TV star currently adorns Heat magazine’s cover, there is a statistical risk that you will hear these words at some point within the next 12-18 months.

如果，在伦敦梅菲尔区、洛杉矶或者纽卡斯尔的某个夜总会经历了一系列醉酒误会后，你发现自己成了英国明星八卦杂志《Heat》封面上的某个电视真人秀明星的新婚丈夫或者伴侣，那么从统计学上说，你会有在未来12至18个月的某个时刻听到以上绝情话的风险。

And had you wed on Valentine’s Day or a “numerically special” date, such as 01/02/03, the probability of being asked for a divorce increases, according to University of Melbourne economists Jan Kabátek and professor David Ribar. They have found that marriages starting on a special date are 18-36 per cent more likely to fail than those beginning on an ordinary day.

同时，根据墨尔本大学(University of Melbourne)经济学家贾恩·卡巴迪克(Jan Kabátek)和戴维·里巴尔(David Ribar)教授的研究，如果你在情人节或是某个“特殊数字”日期（如2003年2月1日）结婚，那么被要求离婚的概率就会增加。他们发现，从特殊日期起步的婚姻，失败可能性比普通的结婚日期高出18%-36%。

But one person you would never suspect of uttering such heartbreaking phrases is your private banker. After so many tête-à-têtes, intimate dinners, tokens of appreciation and impassioned phone calls, yours is surely a relationship that no one could put asunder.

但有一个人是你永远想不到会说出这些让人心碎的绝情话的，那就是你的私人银行理财师。经历了这么多面对面的私聊、温馨的晚餐、互相欣赏的表示，以及热情洋溢的电话通话后，你们之间的关系肯定无人可以拆散。

Yet, increasingly, private banks around the world have been packing the Louis Vuittons, proffering the hankie and telling their wealthiest clients: “I’m sorry, darling — it’s over.”

然而，全球越来越多的私人银行都在收拾他们的路易威登(Louis Vuitton)行李箱，递上一块手绢并告诉他们最富有的客户们：“抱歉，亲爱的——是时候分手了。”

Just last month, HSBC’s Monaco private bank broke the news to accountholders that it just could not go on. It said it was “strategic” — nothing personal — and promised to take care of them, and their $9bn. It also offered to set them up with a new partner: CFM Indosuez Wealth Management.

前一阵子，汇丰(HSBC)摩纳哥私人银行向账户持有人宣布，无法继续提供服务。该行称此举是出于“战略”——而非针对个人，并承诺将善待客户和他们的90亿美元资产。汇丰还提出为他们引荐新的合作伙伴：CFM Indosuez财富管理(CFM Indosuez Wealth Management)。

If you don’t think it could happen to you, think again. HSBC’s Monaco break-up was just its latest. It has also wound down, part-sold or ended wealth management relationships in Japan, Panama, Switzerland, Israel, Bermuda, Brazil, Mexico and Turkey.

如果你认为这不可能发生在你身上，那么请再好好想想。汇丰摩纳哥业务宣布与客户分手，只是该行此类行动的最新一例。该行此前还清盘、部分出售或终止了在日本、巴拿马、瑞士、以色列、百慕大、巴西、墨西哥和土耳其的私人理财关系。

Nor is HSBC the only one. Earlier this year, Barclays let its Hong Kong and Singapore wealth management customers go to Oversea-Chinese Banking Corp, taking $18bn with them.

而且汇丰不是唯一这么做的银行。今年早些时候，巴克莱(Barclays)将其香港和新加坡的理财客户转给华侨银行(Oversea-Chinese Banking Corp)，眼睁睁看着他们带走180亿美元资产。

More recently, ANZ announced the sale of retail operations in Hong Kong, Singapore, China, Taiwan and Indonesia, with $16bn in assets, to DBS. For those clients who only fell into ANZ’s embrace when Royal Bank of Scotland dumped them in 2009, it represented a second divorce in nine years. Surely, their own reality TV series beckons.

不久前，澳新银行(ANZ)宣布向星展银行(DBS)出售其在香港、新加坡、中国内地、台湾和印度尼西亚的零售业务，共计160亿美元资产。对于那些在2009年被苏格兰皇家银行(RBS)抛弃而转投澳新银行的客户来说，这意味着9年来的第二次婚变。他们简直可以推出自己的电视真人秀了。

What, though, should private bank customers do if they find themselves cruelly cast aside? Other wealth managers’ advice is not unlike that of magazine agony aunts. Put yourself first, says Roddy Buchanan, head of wealth management at WHIreland, the financial services firm.

不过，当私人银行客户发现自己被无情抛弃的时候，他们该怎么做呢？其他理财经理人给出的建议，就跟在杂志上回复读者来信的知心大姐的专栏大同小异。

“You have to treat this situation as an opportunity to reappraise what you need in terms of managing your wealth, initially asking the question as to whether a ‘one-stop shop’ . . . still serves your best interests,” he says.

“要把自己放在第一位。”金融服务公司WHIreland的理财部门主管罗迪·布坎南(Roddy Buchanan)说，“你得把这件事看作是一个机会，重新评估自己在理财方面的需求，首先要问自己‘一站式服务’……是否仍然符合你的最大利益？”

Then use your support network to help you get back out there. “Ask your friends and contacts for introductions to new potential wealth management partners, someone they know they’ve received high levels of service from and can trust,“ Buchanan adds.

然后，利用你的社交支持网络帮你重返江湖。“请你的朋友和熟人介绍新的潜在的理财合作伙伴，那些他们熟知、得到过高水平服务并且可以信赖的合作伙伴，” 布坎南补充说。

Above all, find a good listener, says Sunaina Sinha, managing partner of Cebile Capital. “The client-banker relationship is built on trust and understanding,” she says. “The priority for any new banker should be to spend time listening to the client and understanding their idiosyncrasies.”

Cebile Capital的管理合伙人苏奈娜·辛哈(Sunaina Sinha)表示，最重要的是找到一个好的倾听者。“客户-银行家之间的关系是建立在信任和理解之上的。” 她表示：“任何一个接手新客户的银行家，都应该花时间聆听客户，理解他们的风格偏好。”

Ultimately, though, you need someone who recognises that sometimes, it’s complicated, says Mark McMullen, chief executive of the family office division at Stonehage Fleming. He says: “[It] requires a considerable investment of time to ensure that he or she develops an adequate understanding of the client’s affairs.”

然而，据Stonehage Fleming家族理财室部门首席执行官马克·麦克马伦(Mark McMullen)介绍，最终而言，你需要的那个人要能够认识到，有时候情况是复杂的。他说：“（这）要求大量的时间投入，来确保他或她形成对客户事务的充分了解。”

As indeed is the case for news editors on those celebrity magazines.

的确，这一点对那些名人八卦杂志的新闻编辑们也是成立的。