The internet is brimming with money tips for newlyweds — open a joint account, talk about your money values, budget for date night. While sound advice, these articles ignore a simple truth: your money relationship doesn’t begin when you walk down the aisle. It starts on your very first date.
互联网为新婚夫妇提供了许多理财技巧——开设联名账户，沟通理财价值观，为约会之夜制定预算。这些都是有益的忠告，不过这些文章忽略了一条简单的真理：你和配偶之间的金钱关系并非始于步入婚姻殿堂之时，而是从第一次约会就开始了。
Rather than discussing finances in romantic relationships, we tend to quickly and quietly adapt to our beliefs about how the other person wants to deal with the issue. So if Mr. Wonderful pays on dates one and two, his dinner partner may assume he is happy to pay on dates three, four and 50. But that often leads to frustration from at least one party. Maybe, like most millennials, Mr. Wonderful can’t really afford to treat every time. Perhaps his date feels guilty for not contributing financially.
与其在恋爱中谈钱，我们更倾向于迅速地悄悄去适应另一半在这件事情上的看法。因此，如果说好人君（Mr. Wonderful）头一两次约会都主动掏钱，那他的约会对象可能就会觉得第三回、第四回甚至是第50回也都该由他买单。但这通常会至少让其中一方感到沮丧失落。或许，像大多数千禧一代，好人君实际上无法每次都请客。也许他的约会对象会因为在财务上没有做出贡献而感到内疚。
You are probably thinking, ‘just say something.’ But chances are you wouldn’t.
你可能会想，“说说清楚吧。”不过你多半开不了口。
“We are all ‘funny’ about money, no matter how much or how little money we have, ” writes Dr. Kate Levinson in her book Emotional Currency. If, as the oft quoted statistic says, 70% of divorces are due to money woes, what financial changes can couples make early on to fortify their long term odds?
凯特·莱文森（Kate Levinson）博士在《情感货币》（Emotional Currency）一书中写道，“我们对待金钱的态度都很“有趣”，无论是有钱还是没钱人。”据经常引用的统计数字表明，70%的人离婚是因为经济问题，那么，夫妻可以提前在财务方面做出哪些改变，来巩固长期的婚姻关系？
Scott Rick, a marketing professor at the University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business, studies the links between money, attraction and marital happiness. In a 2011 paper, “ Fatal (Fiscal) Attraction: Spendthrifts and Tightwads in Marriage, ” Rick and his co-authors reveal that tightwads (people who tend to spend less than they would like to) often marry spendthrifts (people who spend more than they would like to).
密歇根大学罗斯商学院（University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business）市场营销学教授斯科特·里克（Scott Rick）专注于研究金钱、吸引力和婚姻幸福间的联系。在2011年的论文《致命（财务）吸引力：婚姻中的败家子和吝啬鬼》（Fatal (Fiscal) Attraction: Spendthrifts and Tightwads in Marriage）中，里克与合作者们揭示了吝啬鬼（那些花钱节俭的人）通常会和败家子（那些花钱大手大脚的人）结婚的真相。
“Generally we marry ourselves. We go out and find someone who mirrors the things we like about ourselves, ” says Rick, who began looking at spendthrifts and tightwads in relationships when he married a tightwad. “But a tightwad doesn’t like being a tightwad. A spendthrift does not like being a spendthrift. It turns out they don’t want a second one of themselves in the home.” Rick explains that the differences initially lead to attraction but eventually becomes less fun when you need to make decisions of economic consequence.
自打娶了个小气老婆之后，里克就开始研究情侣关系中的败家子和吝啬鬼，他表示，“通常来说，我们会和同类人结婚。我们出去约会，寻找那些和我们兴趣相投的人。但是极其抠门的人不喜欢成为吝啬鬼。挥霍无度的人也不喜欢成为败家子。事实证明，他们都不喜欢在家里看到第二个自己。”里克解释说，最初的性格差异会导致爱情吸引，但是当需要做出有一定经济影响的决定时，这就没那么好玩了。
Around this time last year, a much talked about New York Times article reveled a trend of young adults asking for their love interest’s credit score to determine if he or she is worth pursuing. In one anecdote a 31 year old flight attendant was quickly disenchanted when a suitor asked about her credit score on their very first date.
去年大约这个时候，《纽约时报》（New York Times）刊出的一篇文章引发了热烈的讨论，文章报道美国年轻人流行打听自己心仪对象的信用评分，以衡量对方是否值得追求。有这样一段轶事，当追求者在双方第一次约会中问及她的信用评分时，一位31岁的空姐突然立刻不再抱幻想。
Like our dating lives, a person’s relationship to money cannot be boiled down to a single statistic. Maybe wait a few dates to bring up nitty gritty details like credit scores and 401k balances. Instead Levinson says you should see if the relationship “has legs” and keep an eye out for “patterns.” Does one partner always pay? Are you are being overly generous, while your partner is being tightfisted? How does that make you feel?
跟约会那样，人与金钱的关系不能简单归结为一个数字。也许等约会过几次，再打听彼此的信用评分以及401K退休金户头余额等这些具体细节吧。莱文森表示，重点要看这段恋爱关系是否“能长久”，密切注意“交往模式”。是否总是一方在付钱？你是否过于慷慨，而约会对象特别抠门？这让你有什么感觉？
If you are unhappy with your money exchanges, Levinson recommends approaching the topic in the same way you might the dirty socks your girlfriend leaves around. ‘You always leave your socks on the floor and that’s irritating to me. Why don’t you put them in the hamper?’ is not so different from saying, ‘You never let me pay for dinner and that’s irritating to me. What is that about for you?’ Don’t criticize, but instead try to come to a mutual understanding of why you each behave the way you do.
如果你对你们的金钱往来不满意，莱文森建议，解决这个问题可以仿效处理女朋友乱扔脏袜子的做法。“你总是把袜子扔在地板上，这让我很恼火。为什么不把袜子放在洗衣篮里？”其实这样说没有多大不同：“你总是不让我请你吃晚餐，这让我很恼火。这是怎么回事？”不要批评对方，而是尝试相互理解，为什么你们各自会有这种行为。
Married financial planners Scott and Bethany Palmer describe money as a laboratory, by observing your love-interest’s spending habits you can get to know him or her. If you, for example, notice that the girl you have gone out with a few times is careful with her pennies you can compliment her self control. If you notice she throws spending caution to the wind you can ask about her non-financial adventures. “When you are dating you really have the opportunity to see what you are about to get into, ” says Scott.
婚内理财规划师斯科特·帕尔默（Scott Palmer）和贝瑟尼·帕尔默（Bethany Palmer）把金钱形容为一座实验室，通过观察心仪对象的消费习惯，可以了解对方的为人。比如说，如果你注意到，和你约会过几次的女友花钱很仔细，你可以称赞她的自我控制力。如果你发现她花钱大手大脚，也可以询问她在财务方面以外的冒险经历。斯科特说，“约会的时候，实际上是有机会看清楚对方是什么样的人的。”
There are, however, also warnings signs to look for. You may want to rethink a relationship if someone is unwilling to discuss money, lies about their finances or doesn’t pay you back. Perhaps your date said he left a tip for that friendly waitress on the table, but you find no cash when you run back to get your sunglasses. Don’t let red flags go. “Once we are in love with somebody, ” Levinson notes, “we are vulnerable to taking care of someone in ways that are not healthy.”
当然也有些信号要警惕。如果对方不愿讨论金钱，对财务状况撒谎，只有索取没有付出，那么你可能就要重新考虑与之的关系。也许你的约会对象会说，他有把小费放在桌子上留给亲切友好的女服务生，但当你回去找落下的太阳眼镜时，却没有看到。不要放过这样的危险信号。莱文森指出，“一旦爱上某个人，我们就很容易用一些不健康的方式去纵容对方。”
A psychotherapist, Levinson is currently working with a couple that has been dating for four years and wants to buy a house. Both partners have steady incomes, but one has additional family money. Generous with small expenses, the partner with extra funds wants to split the home 50/50 even if it means buying a lesser property. The other partner cannot understand why his mate isn’t willing to pay more and take a larger share of the equity so they can live in a home they love. “The work, ” says Levinson, “is really about figuring out why she needs to be so boundaried here and having her partner understand why.” Being in love (like or lust) doesn’t preclude the realities of financial inequality and assumptions. By the same token, knowing the contents of someone’s bank account doesn’t mean you understand his or her relationship to it.
作为一名心理治疗师，莱文森目前正为一对情侣提供咨询，他们交往了四年并想购买一栋房产。双方都有稳定收入，其中一方拥有额外的家庭财产。手头更宽裕的女方虽然在小额支出上很大方，但却希望平摊购房费用，即便这意味着他们只能买小一点的房子也在所不惜。男方不能理解为什么女友不愿意多掏点钱，多负担一点购房费用，这样他们就能住上一栋自己喜欢的房子。莱文森说，“咨询实际上是为了搞清楚，为什么她需要在买房问题上划清界限，并让男友理解其中的原因。”坠入爱河（喜欢或欲望）不能排除财务不对等的现实和假设。出于同样的原因，知道某人银行账户有多少钱，并不意味着你就理解对方的金钱观念。