A wave of recent research has pointed to the risks of overpraising a child. But for parents, drawing the line between too little praise and too much has become a high-pressure balancing act.
近来一些研究指出了过分表扬孩子可能带来的种种风险。不过，对于家长而言，要在夸奖得太少与太多之间划清界限，这难度不亚于顶着巨大的压力走高空绳索。
Cara Greene, a mother of three children ages 1 to 8, is wary of deliberately pumping up her kids' egos, for fear of instilling the sense of entitlement she sees in young adults 'who have been told they're wonderful and they can do anything.' But she also wants them to have healthy self-esteem.
家住纽约市的卡拉??格林(Cara Greene)有三个一岁到八岁大的孩子。这位母亲一直很谨慎，不去刻意让孩子的自我膨胀，因为格林担心那样做会让孩子心中滋长出她在那些“一直以来都被告知他们很棒而且他们能做任何事”的年轻人身上所看到的那种自以为是的感觉。不过，她也希望自己的孩子们能够拥有健全的自我认知。
'We wouldn't be doing our children any favors by overinflating their egos. At the same time, I want them to have the confidence to tackle any challenge that is placed before them,' says Ms. Greene, of New York City.
格林说：“让孩子的自我过于膨胀对他们来说没有任何好处。而与此同时，我也希望他们拥有足够的自信，能够应付任何他们需要面临的挑战。”
Now, psychologists are creating a deeper and more nuanced understanding of self-esteem, which could make it easier for parents to walk that line. Some of the conclusions: It can actually be good for kids to have low self-esteem, at least temporarily. And praise can harm if it disregards the world outside the home. Children who have a realistic岸not inflated岸understanding of how they are seen by others tend to be more resilient.
如今，心理学家们对于自我认知的理解越来越深入、也越来越细致，这或许能够让家长们在走这条高空绳索的时候轻松一点。其中的一些结论如下：孩子的自我认可程度较低实际上有可能是一件好事，至少短时期的低认可度会是如此。而对孩子的褒扬如果没有考虑到家庭以外的环境因素，则有可能会对孩子有害。孩子若能对于他人对自己的看法有一个现实──而非夸大──的理解，则往往能够更好地适应外界环境。
In the past, many parents and educators believed that high self-esteem predicted happiness and success, and that it could be instilled in kids simply by doling out trophies and praise. But researchers have since found self-esteem doesn't predict these outcomes. High self-esteem is partly the result of good performance, rather than the cause. Inflating kids' self-esteem too much can backfire, making them feel worse later on when they hit setbacks.
过去，许多家长和教育者相信，较高的自我认可度将会带来幸福感与成功，而若要孩子实现高度的自我认可，做法很简单，只要给予他们大量的奖励和赞美即可。不过研究者们后来发现，自我认可并不会带来这些结果。高度的自我认可在一定程度上是良好表现的结果，而不是原因。让孩子的自我过于膨胀反而有可能起到相反的作用，使他们在未来遭受挫折时感觉更为糟糕。
Self-esteem serves as a gauge岸a kind of inner psychological meter岸of how much children feel valued and accepted by others, including family, friends and peers, based on research by Mark Leary, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, and others. This sensitivity to others' views evolved because of humans' need for social acceptance, which in ancient times could be critical to survival, Dr. Leary says. As early as age 8, children's self-esteem tends to rise and fall in response to feedback about whether peers see them as likable or attractive, says a 2010 study in Child Development.
根据杜克大学(Duke University)心理学与神经系统学教授马克??利里(Mark Leary)等人进行的一项研究，自我认知是一个度量标准、一种内在的心理学角度的衡量尺度，用于衡量孩子自我感觉到的自己在其他人心目中的重要程度、以及其他人对自己的接受程度，这里的“其他人”包括家人、朋友和同伴等等。利里博士表示，这种对他人观点的敏感度是因为人类需要社会的接纳而进化而来，，社会的接纳在远古社会有可能攸关生死。于2010年发表在学术期刊《儿童发展》(Child Development)上的一则研究报告称，早在八岁这个年龄，孩子的自我认知就会随着同伴是否认为他们可爱或是有魅力这样的反馈而增加或降低。
'Children absolutely need to feel valued, accepted and loved, and this will lead to high self-esteem,' Dr. Leary says. But it can also be good for kids to feel bad about themselves temporarily, if they behave in selfish, mean or hurtful ways that might damage their ability to sustain relationships or hold a job in the future, he says. The best path is a middle road, helping children develop a positive but realistic view of themselves in relation to others.
利里博士表示：“孩子们绝对需要那种被尊重、被接纳和被爱的感受，而这些将带来较高的自我认可度。”不过，他说，如果孩子的行为表现出自私、自大或是会伤害到他人──这样的行为有可能影响到他们未来与他人相处或是保住自己工作的能力──那么短暂的自我感觉糟糕对于孩子来说有好处。最好的一条路是中间路线，帮助孩子培养出一个积极、但现实的、与他人相关的自我认知观点。
Ms. Greene's husband Jason, an actor and at-home dad, tries to teach their children what his grandfather taught him: 'Nobody is better than you, but you're not better than anybody else.' When his 8-year-old son Wyatt started goofing around at practice for his soccer team, which Mr. Greene coaches, he knew Wyatt was 'having a moment of feeling superior,' Mr. Greene says. He benched Wyatt immediately.
格林的丈夫贾森(Jason)是一位演员、同时也是一位全职父亲，他试图让自己的孩子明白他的祖父当年教给他的东西：“没有人比你强，不过你也不比其他任何人强。”贾森在他八岁的儿子怀亚特(Wyatt)的足球队里当教练，当怀亚特在足球队训练中开始不认真对待时，贾森说，他知道怀亚特“这一刻是有点飘飘然的优越感了”。他立刻将怀亚特换下场去坐冷板凳。
Later, he explained: 'I know it's hard to go by the rules all the time, to stand in line and pay attention. But you're not better than the rules, and you're not more important than anyone else on the team.' His son nodded, and 'we had a hug,' Mr. Greene says. Wyatt hasn't misbehaved at practice since.
之后，他对儿子解释道：“我知道要时时刻刻地守规矩、排队、专心听讲，这很难。不过，在规矩面前，你没有特权，你也不比队里的其他任何人更重要。”他的儿子点了点头，然后“我们拥抱了一下”。自从那次以后，怀亚特再也没有在训练中有过糟糕表现。
The Greenes also step in with carefully targeted encouragement when their kids hit a rough patch. When Wyatt fell behind in reading at school last year, Mr. Greene says, 'his self-esteem was fragile and almost gone.' They hired a tutor and worked with him on reading. But Mr. Greene also encouraged him to redefine his own worth, saying, 'You're not measured upon rewards or grades. It's who you are that matters.' And Ms. Greene told him, 'Everyone has challenges. This happens to be yours.' Wyatt now reads well and enjoys it. But the Greenes hope he also learned a sturdier basis for self-esteem.
当孩子受到挫折时，格林夫妇也会通过具有明确针对性的鼓励来帮助他们。贾森说，去年，当怀亚特在学校的阅读成绩落后时，“他的自尊变得很脆弱，几乎完全没有了”。他们聘请了一位家教，帮他辅导阅读。不过，做父亲的同时也在鼓励儿子重塑信心，他告诉儿子：“你的价值不是靠奖励或是成绩来衡量的。真正重要的是你是谁。”母亲则对儿子说：“每个人都会面临挑战。这就是你的挑战。”怀亚特如今的阅读很好，而且很喜欢这门功课。不过格林夫妇还希望他自信的基础能够更扎实些。
Exaggerated praise can do harm, according to a study of 313 children ages 8 to 13 published this month in the Journal of Experimental Psychology. Parents who noticed that their children felt bad about themselves tended to pump up the praise when working with them, saying things like, 'You're so smart,' or, 'You're such a good artist,' researchers found.
今年2月份发表于《实验心理学杂志》(Journal of Experimental Psychology)上的一份研究报告称，一项由荷兰乌特勒支大学(Utrecht University)的研究人员所主导、针对313名年龄在八岁到13岁的儿童所进行的研究表明，过分夸大的褒扬有可能造成伤害。研究人员发现，当父母们在与自己的孩子合作完成一项任务时，若发现孩子的自我感觉不佳，往往会说诸如“你真聪明”或是“你真是个了不起的艺术家”这样赞扬的话来给孩子打气。
But those children felt ashamed when they were defeated later in a simulated computer game; other children who received more realistic praise that focused on their effort or behavior didn't feel any shame, according to the study led by researchers at Utrecht University in the Netherlands. Well-meaning adults 'may foster in children with low self-esteem the very emotional vulnerability they are trying to prevent,' the study says. A better path is to praise children for the effort they invest, an element they can control, the study says.
但是，这项研究发现，当这些孩子之后在模拟的电脑游戏中被打败时，他们会感到羞耻；而其他那些得到的评价更为现实、且所得评价只集中于他们的努力或是表现的孩子，则不会感到任何羞耻。研究报告中写道，那些善意的成年人“或许恰恰在孩子心中种下了他们试图避免的那种脆弱情感──较低的自我认可”。研究报告称，较好的方式是对孩子所付出的努力──这一他们能够自己控制的因素──予以表扬。
Children who have a realistic understanding of how they are seen by others tend to be more resilient. In a 2010 study, 333 preteens played an online version of 'Survivor,' posting personal profiles and receiving peer ratings on their likability. All the kids who received low ratings experienced a drop in self-esteem, gauged via scores on a scale including such items as, 'I feel good about who I am right now.' But those who started the game with grandiose views of themselves and inflated feelings of superiority suffered the biggest declines in self-esteem, says the study in Child Development.
那些对于他人对自己持何看法有更现实认知的孩子，往往更能适应环境。在2010年的一项研究中，333名九至13岁的孩子在网上参与一个类似真人秀节目《幸存者》(Survivor)的游戏，孩子们在网上公布他们的个人简介，然后其他人会根据对这些孩子的喜爱程度给他们打分。所有得到较低评分的孩子，自信程度都有所下降，他们的自信程度是通过他们针对诸如“我对于现在的自我感觉良好”这样的问题打分来决定的。不过，这份发表于《儿童发展》的研究报告指出，那些在游戏开始前对自己有不切实际的过高评价、并有过高优越感的孩子，自信心下降得最为严重。
When researchers tried to lift the grades of struggling college students by raising their self-esteem, the students' grades got worse, according to a 2007 study of 86 students published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology. Showering them with messages aimed at making them feel good about themselves may have instilled 'a cavalier, defensive attitude,' causing them to study less, the study says.
而根据2007年发表于《社会与临床心理学杂志》(Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology)的一份研究报告，针对86名大学学生进行的一项研究发现，当研究者试图通过提高自信来帮助这些学习有些吃力的学生提高成绩时，他们的成绩反而变得更差。研究报告写道，向他们灌输大量旨在让他们自我感觉良好的信息，这种做法或许给他们培养出了“一种傲慢的、自我防卫的态度，”使得他们用于学习的时间更少了。
Laural and Jim O'Dowd's 11-year-old son Cole is getting straight As in accelerated seventh-grade math classes, even though he's only in fifth grade. 'It's hard not to say, 'That's awesome,' ' and to congratulate him on his grades, says Ms. O'Dowd, an attorney who lives in Boulder, Colo. 'But if we praise him constantly, his self-esteem becomes centered on always being very smart and being the best and being perfect. And when you get out in the real world, you're not necessarily No. 1.'
劳雷尔??奥多德(Laural O'Dowd)和吉姆??奥多德(Jim O'Dowd)夫妇今年11岁的儿子科尔(Cole)在提前上的七年级数学课上，成绩总是A，而实际上科尔现在只是五年级的学生。他的母亲说：“这让我很难不去夸奖他‘这太棒了’”、或是祝贺他拿到了这么好的成绩。“不过如果我们总在夸奖他，他的自我认知会变得只关注于永远要做最聪明的、最好的、最完美的。而当你进入现实世界时，你不一定总要做第一名。”劳雷尔是一位律师，他们一家住在科罗拉多的博尔德(Boulder)。
Instead, she encourages behaviors he is able to sustain: 'It's awesome that you're working so hard on your homework.'
这位母亲换了个做法，她对于科尔能够坚持下来的行为予以了鼓励：“你的功课这么努力，这太棒了。”
The O'Dowds also invite their kids to see themselves as others might see them. Cole often has trouble waking up in the morning and tends to be cranky with his three siblings, says Mr. O'Dowd, an at-home father and former engineer. When he lingered in bed recently and snapped at his 9-year-old brother Luke for no good reason, Mr. O'Dowd asked him: 'So you want to be that person who nobody wants to talk to in the morning, because you can't be nice? Even if nobody says anything bad to you?' Mr. O'Dowd says. 'You could hear the tires screeching in his world. He stopped moving. He stopped breathing. He looked at me for a very long moment. Then he hung his head, said, 'OK,' and went about getting ready for school.'
奥多德夫妇还会提醒孩子们站在别人的角度，了解他人眼中的自己。早先任工程师、如今全职在家带孩子的吉姆说，科尔早上经常起不来，而且喜欢对他的三个兄弟姐妹发脾气。最近有一次，他又赖在床上不起来，还无缘无故地对他九岁的弟弟卢克(Luke)恶声恶气地说话，吉姆问科尔：“难道你愿意成为那种因为自己不会好好说话、所以早上没有人愿意搭理你的人吗？就算是没有人会冲你说什么坏话？”这位父亲说：“你可以听得到他的世界里传来急刹车的声音。他呆住了，连大气都不出。他看着我，过了很久，然后垂下头说‘好吧’，之后就去准备上学了。”
'I try to teach my kids how to be considerate of other people,' he says, 'not just because it's nice, but because it makes your life better if you understand those around you.'
他说：“我试图教会我的孩子如何去体贴他人。不只是因为这样做很友善，而是因为如果你能够更了解周围的人对你自己的看法，那么你的生活会变得越好。”