The spring of 2003 brought things to a boiling point. A year and a half after I'd left, my husband was finally ready to discuss terms of a settlement. Yes, he wanted cash and the house and the lease on the Manhattan apartment—everything I'd been offering the whole while. But he was also asking for things I'd never even considered (a stake in the royalties of books I'd written during the marriage, a cut of possible future movie rights to my work, a share of my retirement accounts, etc.) and here I had to voice my protest at last. Months of negotiations ensued between our lawyers, a compromise of sorts inched its way toward the table and it was starting to look like my husband might actually accept a modified deal. It would cost me dearly, but a fight in the courts would be infinitely more expensive and time-consuming, not to mention soul-corroding. If he signed the agreement, all I had to do was pay and walk away. Which would be fine with me at this point. Our relationship now thoroughly ruined, with even civility destroyed between us, all I wanted anymore was the door.

2003 年春天，事情来到决定性的时刻。在我离开后的一年半，我先生终于准备讨论和解条件。是的，他要现金、房子和曼哈顿的租约——我在整段沟通期间提出的所有东西。但他还要求我从未考虑过的东西（我在结婚期间写作的书的部分版税，我的作品未来可能改编成电影的部分版税，我一部分的退休基金，等等），使我终于不得不提出抗议。我们彼此的律师进行了数个月的谈判，某种妥协缓缓地浮上台面，我先生看来可能会接受经过修正的协议。我将付出高昂的代价，但是打官司肯定更花钱、更花时间，更甭说腐蚀灵魂。如果他签了协定，我只须付钱走人。现在对我来说并无不可。我们的关系如今已彻底摧毁，甚至已撕破脸，我只想夺门。

The question was—would he sign? More weeks passed as he contested more details. If he didn't agree to this settlement, we'd have to go to trial. A trial would almost certainly mean that every remaining dime would be lost in legal fees. Worst of all, a trial would mean another year—at least—of all this mess. So whatever my husband decided (and he still was my husband, after all), it was going to determine yet another year of my life. Would I be traveling all alone through Italy, India and Indonesia? Or would I be getting cross-examined somewhere in a courtroom basement during a deposition hearing?

而问题是——他会不会签字？他对更多的细节提出异议，于是几个月又过去了。如果他不同意和解，我们就得上法庭。上法庭几乎等于把每一分钱都浪费在诉讼费上；更糟的是，这意指我将又要有至少一年以上的时间一塌糊涂。因此我另一年的人生，都将取决于我先生做的决定（当时他毕竟还是我的丈夫）。到底我是会独自去意大利、印度和印尼旅行，或是在预审期间待在法院的地下室里接受盘问呢？

Every day I called my lawyer fourteen times—any news?—and every day she assured me that she was doing her best, that she would telephone immediately if the deal was signed. The nervousness I felt during this time was something between waiting to be called into the principal's office and anticipating the results of a biopsy. I'd love to report that I stayed calm and Zen, but I didn't. Several nights, in waves of anger, I beat the life out of my couch with a softball bat. Most of the time I was just achingly depressed.

我每天打十四通电话给我的律师——有没有任何消息？——每天她都向我保证她会尽力而为， 如果对方签了协议，她会马上打电话。这段期间我所感受到的紧张，就像介于等着被叫进校长办公室与等待组织切片检查结果之间。我很想保持镇静，如入禅修之境，但我并未做到。有几个晚上，我在愤怒当中拿着垒球棒猛捶沙发。而大多数时候，我只是万分消极。

Meanwhile, David and I had broken up again. This time, it seemed, for good. Or maybe not—we couldn't totally let go of it. Often I was still overcome with a desire to sacrifice everything for the love of him. Other times, I had the quite opposite instinct—to put as many continents and oceans as possible between me and this guy, in the hope of finding peace and happiness.

同时，大卫和我又一次分手。这回似乎是彻底结束。或者不然——我们没办法完全放下。我依然经常有股欲望，想牺牲一切去爱他。有时，我的直觉却恰恰相反——得与这男人之间保持十万八千里的距离，只希望找到安祥与快乐。

I had lines in my face now, permanent incisions dug between my eyebrows, from crying and from worry.

如今我的脸上出现了皱纹，哭泣与烦恼在我的眉心刻下了永久的切口。

And in the middle of all that, a book that I'd written a few years earlier was being published in paperback and I had to go on a small publicity tour. I took my friend Iva with me for company. Iva is my age but grew up in Beirut, Lebanon. Which means that, while I was playing sports and auditioning for musicals in a Connecticut middle school, she was cowering in a bomb shelter five nights out of seven, trying not to die. I'm not sure how all this early exposure to violence created somebody who's so steady now, but Iva is one of the calmest souls I know. Moreover, she's got what I call "The Bat Phone to the Universe," some kind of Iva-only, open-round-the-clock special channel to the divine.

而在这些事情当中，我几年前写的一本书以平装本出版，我必须进行巡回宣传。我的朋友伊娃伴我同行。伊娃跟我年纪相当，却是在黎巴嫩的贝鲁特长大的 。也就是说，当我在康乃狄克州的中学进行体育活动、参加音乐剧试演的时候，她则一个礼拜有五天晚上躲在防空洞壕里免于一死。我不晓得早期接触暴力的经验，是怎样塑造出如今这般镇定的伊娃，但她是我认识的最冷静的人之一。此外，她拥有我称之为拨往宇宙的手机 ，某种伊娃专属、 昼夜不休的特殊通神频道。

So we were driving across Kansas, and I was in my normal state of sweaty disarray over this divorce deal—will he sign, will he not sign?—and I said to Iva, "I don't think I can endure another year in court. I wish I could get some divine intervention here. I wish I could write a petition to God, asking for this thing to end."

于是我们开车经过堪萨斯，我仍处在对这场离婚协议感到紧张不安的常态之中——他会不会签字？——然后我告诉伊娃 ：我想我没办法再多忍受一年官司。我希望有神力帮助。真想写一封请愿书给神，请他让这件事有个了结。

"So why don't you?"

那为何不这么做？

I explained to Iva my personal opinions about prayer. Namely, that I don't feel comfortable petitioning for specific things from God, because that feels to me like a kind of weakness of faith. I don't like asking, "Will you change this or that thing in my life that's difficult for me?" Because—who knows?—God might want me to be facing that particular challenge for a reason. Instead, I feel more comfortable praying for the courage to face whatever occurs in my life with equanimity, no matter how things turn out.

我向伊娃说明我个人对祈祷的看法。亦即，为特定的事向神请愿，使我觉得别扭，因为我感觉这种信仰很软弱。我不喜欢要求：能不能请你改变我生活中的困境？ 因为——谁知道？——神要我面 对特殊的挑战，或许有他的理由。我宁可祈祷他给我勇气，沉着地面对生活中发生的任何事，无论结果如何。

Iva listened politely, then asked, "Where'd you get that stupid idea?"

伊娃客气地听着，然后问道：你这个笨想法是从哪儿来的？

"What do you mean?"

怎么说 ？

"Where did you get the idea you aren't allowed to petition the universe with prayer? You are part of this universe, Liz. You're a constituent—you have every entitlement to participate in the actions of the universe, and to let your feelings be known. So put your opinion out there. Make your case. Believe me—it will at least be taken into consideration."

你怎么会觉得你不该用祈祷向宇宙请愿？你是宇宙的一部分，小莉。你是当中的成员——你有权参与宇宙的行动，吐露你的感觉。所以，把你的想法放到一边去吧。提出你的论点。相信我 —— 至少它会被列入考虑。

"Really?" All this was news to me.

真的？这可是我头一遭听说。

"Really! Listen—if you were to write a petition to God right now, what would it say?"

真的！听着——如果此时此刻向神请愿，你会怎么说？