1.The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

在这个世界上，我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你，但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。

我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。

2.Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏了！！

3.War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。

4.A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

公车站呀公车停。火车站呀火车停。俺桌上有个工作站…

5.Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

剽悍的人生不需要解释

6.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

无愧于心哈？记性不好吧？

7.Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等。

8.The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

小腿上的骨头——在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。

9.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。

10.The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

小孩子要中间名，纯粹是为了让他知道他啥时候真的有麻烦了。

起个全名就为了揍孩子前可以底气十足地喊出来。

11.It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

跳楼的时候，“啊——”的时候还没死，“啪！”那才是死了。

12.Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

好客就是：让客人觉得他们像在他们家一样，尽管你真的希望他们滚回他们家。

13.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

人生何处不杯具，唯有面对饮水机。