I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

　　开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一辆然后求上帝宽恕。

　　I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

　　我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去，而不要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一样死法啊!

　　Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

　　你永远不能战胜一个纯SB，因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平，然后用丰富的经验打败你。

　　The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

　　吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。

　　Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

　　有些人就像 Slinkies(弹簧玩具)，没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来倒腾去还是很有喜感。

　　We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

　　我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。

　　I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

　　曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。

　　Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

　　晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你你为什么好不了。

　　Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

　　直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果;智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。

　　意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个篮子。

　　意译b：所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧告诉你最终还是男女有别。

　　If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

　　上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧!

　　Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

　　无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃，安眠药，和通便灵。

　　I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

　　老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。

　　Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

　　海豚可聪明了你知道不?只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃了。

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

　　孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。

　　Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

　　你有什么不开心的?说出来给大家开心开心。

　　To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

　　意译：窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。

　　Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

　　当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什么忙?!

　　God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

　　上帝一定倍儿爱SB，不然他造这么多!

　　The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

　　直译：小孩子要中间名，纯粹是为了让他知道他啥时候真的有麻烦了。

　　直译a：起个全名就为了揍孩子前可以底气十足地喊出来。

　　意译b：贾君鹏这名字就为了让他妈喊他回家吃饭!

　　It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

　　跳楼的时候，“啊——”的时候还没死， “啪!”那才是死了。

　　Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

　　人工智能从来敌不过天然痴呆。

　　Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

　　好客就是：让客人觉得他们像在他们家一样，尽管你真的希望他们滚回他们家。

　　With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

　　信春哥 ，得永生

　　Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

　　直译：记着吧……世界要不恶心，我们早被吐掉了。

　　意译：别抱怨了，这个世界要是真和谐了，我们这种人就不应该存在.

　　I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

　　我曾是个怀疑论者，现在我很怀疑这一点。

　　If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

　　直译：如果你始终脚踏实地，那就别想穿裤子了。

　　意译：人太老实没法活。

　　You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

　　过了河也别拆桥，没准你还要回来呢。