英文原文

【英文原文】

The Person I'm Supposed to Be

摘要："我相信痛苦会让我们体验到我们自己，以及生活的真谛：力量，同理心及勇气的培养，比我们自身的享受更重要"

There's a wretched place depression drags me off to after taking control of my thoughts and feelings. It's the place where the longing for relief mutes every other desire, even the desire to wake up in the morning. There are days when I wonder if I'll lose everything: my job, my relationships, my last stitch of sanity. It feels as though I'm breathing hot black smoke.

Yet I believe the same depressions that pin me to the mat so often also serve a bigger purpose in my life. They don't come empty-handed. I believe the purpose of suffering is to strengthen us and help us understand the suffering of others.

At 16, my first episode hit me hard enough to think I'd literally gone to hell. Now, at 35, when I start dreaming of haunted houses and worrying uncontrollably about the future, I know another episode is looming. I've got a week's notice, maybe two. And then it's as if I'm drifting off to exile inside myself with only a shell remaining.

It used to be that rising from the ash after the depression cleared was like resurrection. The burial over, I'd catch myself laughing or looking forward to the next day. I'd pig out at my favorite deli. But now, when I look closely, I find mental illness leaving other significant gifts in its wake — things I didn't discern when I was younger.

The discovery is like that scene from The Matrix when Neo finally comprehends his identity. Through the whole film, he's been beaten up by evil agents. But the fighting transforms him into a warrior. And at the right time, he understands and uses his power. He's peaceful, even when confronting an enemy. I believe my own years of struggling with depression have left me with similar gifts: inner strength and calm I can rely on, diminished fear and compassion.

I believe the painful nights that close in on all of us in some form are the cocoons from which we might shed our weaknesses. I believe pain tells us something critical about ourselves and life: that developing strength and empathy and bravery is more essential than our personal comfort. And when I think of it like that, I'm more willing to accept suffering on its terms.

That's important, because if my pattern holds consistent, my next episode is due to arrive soon. I live with this reality, but I'm no longer afraid of it. The depression has, in the end, equipped me for its next visit — and that's enough. Of course, I'll take my medicine. I'll talk to my gifted psychiatrist. But when the dark does come, I'll stand up and breathe deeply, knowing I'm becoming the person I'm supposed to be.

Independently produced for All Things Considered by Jay Allison and Dan Gediman with Viki Merrick.

中文译文

【中文译文】

"我相信痛苦会让我们体验到我们自己，以及生活的真谛：力量，同理心及勇气的培养，比我们自身的享受更重要"

当低沉的情绪占据我的思想与感受后，它把我拉到一个悲惨的地方。在那里我唯一的渴望就是摆脱这种沮丧，我甚至不想在早上醒来。我曾经想过，如果我失去了一切：工作，家人，朋友以及最后的一丝理性，那种情形就仿佛呼吸在滚烫的黑色烟尘中。

但我相信，那种把我击倒在床垫上的沮丧，还有更大的目的。他们不是空手来的。我相信痛苦的意义就是让我们更坚强，并且让我们理解别人的痛苦。

16岁的时候，我忧郁症第一次发作，它是如此的令人痛苦以至于让我觉得我肯定完蛋了。现在，我35岁了，当我开始梦见闹鬼的房子，并且抑制不住担心未来时，我知道又一次发作正在迫近。我有一到两个星期的预警时间。然后我就躲进自己的世界，自我放逐，仅留下一个外壳。

曾经，从被沮丧侵袭后留下的废墟中站起来就像是一次死而复生。葬礼过去了，我要让自己高兴起来期待明天。我要大吃我最喜欢的食品。但现在，我仔细的观察， 我发现忧郁症发作时留下了其它更重要的礼物--当我小的时候没有发现的事情。

这个发现就像“骇客帝国”中，尼奥最终理解了自己的身份的那个场景。他在整部影片中一直被邪恶特工（evil agent）痛打。但这样的斗争使他成为了勇士。然后在关键时刻， 他认识到并使用了他自己的力量。他很平静，即便是面对敌人时也那样。我相信我与沮丧斗争的这些年，赋予了我相同的才能：我依靠内心的力量与平静，我不再害怕， 并且同情他人。

我相信，我们每个人都经历过被痛苦包围的夜晚，不管这些痛苦是什么， 我们都可以通过它们蜕去我们的软弱。我相信，痛苦告诉我们，一些我们自己以及生活的真谛：力量，同理心及勇气的培养，比我们自身的享受更重要。当我这样去理解痛苦时， 痛苦便不再可怕。

这很重要，因为如果我的病是持续有规律的，我的下一次发作就在眼前。我活在这样的现实中，但我不再害怕。 这些年来，沮丧已经帮我为下一次低潮的来临做好准备。这已经足够了。当然，我会吃药。我那高明的精神病医生会给我治疗。但当低潮真正来临时，我会站起来，深呼吸，知道我将成为我应该成为的那个人.