CET4作文辅导：Let’s give ourselves a break
日期:2008-12-15 22:59
(单词翻译:单击)
Cracking CET
在本期四六级考试专栏中，全国四六级考委会的夏国佐教授对读者题为“Recreational activities”的作文进行了讲评和改写。这是2008年6月份的四级作文试题。按照四级作文评分标准，作文部分满分15分，这篇文章得12分。如果你希望自己的文章得到夏教授的点评，请按下面要求写出一篇短文，发到elt@21stcentury.com.cn。
Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a short essay entitled “Recreational activities”. You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below.
1.娱乐活动多种多样。 2.娱乐活动可以使人们受益，也可能带来危害。 3.作为大学生，我认为……
读者原文
It’s obviously true that not all people like to work but everyone likes to play. All over the world, men and women, young and old, all enjoy recreational activities. So beyond doubt, entertainment plays a major role in our daily lives. In modern society, there is a broad range of recreational activities covering from online computer games to lovely picnics, aiming at meeting the needs of all different groups. Consequently, it won’t be difficult for you to find your favorites among those.
Recreational activities have a number of benefits, especially in this highly competitive society. It can help us relax, have fun, divert ourselves from stress, etc. I believe there is no better a thing than just relaxing and enjoying your favorite amusement when you’re free or stressed. But can entertainment do us harm? Of course it can. Let’s take TV as an example. There is no denying that watching TV can provide us a plenty of the up-to-date news and learning materials and also helps us relax. However, if we spend too much time watching it, it may also waste us a lot of time, thereby being just the opposite of what we really want. What’s more, TV may also broadcast some pornographic programs, which are of course unsuitable for us. So just as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides, watching TV also has its advantages and disadvantages.
As a college student, I think recreational activities are very important for us. After all, a proper balance between work and rest is the best. But this doesn’t mean we can choose whatever we like. Instead, we should have our own judgment, which means knowing what is good for us and what is not. Once we choose our favorites, we should also have self-control so as not to become addicted to them. I believe in this case only, entertainment can bring its functions into full play and we can also truly understand the essence of life.
修改后的文章
It’s obviously true that not all people like to work, but everyone likes to play. All over the world, men and women, young and old, enjoy recreational activities. So, beyond doubt, entertainment plays an important role in our daily lives. In modern society, there is a broad range of recreational activities – from online computer games to lovely picnics – that meet the needs of different groups of people. Therefore, it won’t be difficult for you to find some recreation to refresh your body and mind.
Recreational activities have a number of benefits, especially in this highly competitive society. They can help us relax, have fun and relieve stress. In fact, I believe there is no better way to get exercise and relieve stress than to take an active part in recreational activities. But can recreational activities do us harm? Of course they can. Let’s take TV as an example. There is no denying that TV offers access to the latest news and to useful knowledge, while providing us with entertainment. However, if we spend too much time watching TV, it will numb our mind and destroy our creativity, which is exactly the opposite of what we really want. What’s more, TV can also show some pornographic programs, which are absolutely unsuitable for us young students. So, just as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides, and watching TV is no exception.
As a college student, I think recreational activities are very important for us. But this doesn’t mean we should take up whatever recreational activities are available. Instead, we should strike a balance between work and rest. We should have our own judgment, which means knowing what is good for us and what is not. And we should exercise self-control so as not to become addicted to them. I believe moderate recreational activity will benefit us in many ways and help us live a full, meaningful life.
夏老师的点评
这篇作文写得比较好，内容丰富，说理清楚，作者词汇量比较大，表达也比较自如。不足的是文章组织不够缜密，有些地方连贯性不够理想。少数地方句子结构有错，用词不确切，词语搭配不当，说明文字的基本功考(试大还不够扎实。另外，如果作为考试，文章的篇幅过长。建议考试时不要超过200词，剩下一点时间用于加工修改，以取得更好的成绩。下面是几点具体的修改建议，供习作者参考。
1. 第一段第三句中的 entertainment plays a major role in our daily lives 建议改为entertainment plays an important role in our daily lives。Major 虽有“重要的(important)”的意思，但其基本意思是“主要的(main, principal)”，用在这里在意思上有一点过了。
2. 第一段第四句中的 …covering from online computer games to lovely picnics, aiming at meeting the needs of all different groups 应改为 …– from online computer games to lovely picnics – that meet the needs of different groups of people。这里covering 是多余的，另外，语法有错，因为cover是接物动词，后面应接直接宾语。aiming at meeting 改为that meet更为直截了当。还有，different groups意思不清楚，加上of people意思就明确了。
3. 第二段第二句It can help us relax, have fun, divert ourselves from stress, etc. 宜改为 It can help us relax, have fun, and relieve stress. 原句语法没有错，但改过后，读起来节奏感更强，去掉etc.也使文章更为简洁有力。
4. 第二段第三句 I believe there is no better a thing than just relaxing and enjoying your favorite amusement when you’re free or stressed. 建议改为 In fact, I believe there is no better way to get exercise and relieve stress than to take an active part in recreational activities。原句中的there is no better a thing语法有错，不定冠词“a” 应去掉。从内容上讲，改过后，更加确切。
5. 第二段倒数第三句 it may also waste us a lot of time, thereby being just the opposite of what we really want建议改为 it will numb our mind and destroy our creativity, which is exactly the opposite of what we really want。which使文章的意思更好理解。
6. 第二段最后一句中的watching TV also has its advantages and disadvantages. 应改为and watching TV is no exception，使句子更简洁。
7. 第三段第二句和第三句After all, a proper balance between work and rest is the best. But this doesn’t mean we can choose whatever we like.建议改为But this doesn’t mean we can take up whatever recreational activities are available. Instead, we should strike a balance between work and rest。原句语法上没有错，但是内容组织得不好，句子间的连贯性差。
8. 第三段最后一句I believe in this case only, entertainment can bring its functions into full play and we can also truly understand the essence of life建议改为I believe moderate recreational activities will benefit us in many ways and help us live a full meaningful life。原句语法上没有错，但是this case不知所指，entertainment can bring its functions into full play这个句子内在逻辑上也有问题。
在本期四六级考试专栏中，全国四六级考委会的夏国佐教授对读者题为“Recreational activities”的作文进行了讲评和改写。这是2008年6月份的四级作文试题。按照四级作文评分标准，作文部分满分15分，这篇文章得12分。如果你希望自己的文章得到夏教授的点评，请按下面要求写出一篇短文，发到elt@21stcentury.com.cn。
Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a short essay entitled “Recreational activities”. You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below.
1.娱乐活动多种多样。 2.娱乐活动可以使人们受益，也可能带来危害。 3.作为大学生，我认为……
读者原文
It’s obviously true that not all people like to work but everyone likes to play. All over the world, men and women, young and old, all enjoy recreational activities. So beyond doubt, entertainment plays a major role in our daily lives. In modern society, there is a broad range of recreational activities covering from online computer games to lovely picnics, aiming at meeting the needs of all different groups. Consequently, it won’t be difficult for you to find your favorites among those.
Recreational activities have a number of benefits, especially in this highly competitive society. It can help us relax, have fun, divert ourselves from stress, etc. I believe there is no better a thing than just relaxing and enjoying your favorite amusement when you’re free or stressed. But can entertainment do us harm? Of course it can. Let’s take TV as an example. There is no denying that watching TV can provide us a plenty of the up-to-date news and learning materials and also helps us relax. However, if we spend too much time watching it, it may also waste us a lot of time, thereby being just the opposite of what we really want. What’s more, TV may also broadcast some pornographic programs, which are of course unsuitable for us. So just as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides, watching TV also has its advantages and disadvantages.
As a college student, I think recreational activities are very important for us. After all, a proper balance between work and rest is the best. But this doesn’t mean we can choose whatever we like. Instead, we should have our own judgment, which means knowing what is good for us and what is not. Once we choose our favorites, we should also have self-control so as not to become addicted to them. I believe in this case only, entertainment can bring its functions into full play and we can also truly understand the essence of life.
修改后的文章
It’s obviously true that not all people like to work, but everyone likes to play. All over the world, men and women, young and old, enjoy recreational activities. So, beyond doubt, entertainment plays an important role in our daily lives. In modern society, there is a broad range of recreational activities – from online computer games to lovely picnics – that meet the needs of different groups of people. Therefore, it won’t be difficult for you to find some recreation to refresh your body and mind.
Recreational activities have a number of benefits, especially in this highly competitive society. They can help us relax, have fun and relieve stress. In fact, I believe there is no better way to get exercise and relieve stress than to take an active part in recreational activities. But can recreational activities do us harm? Of course they can. Let’s take TV as an example. There is no denying that TV offers access to the latest news and to useful knowledge, while providing us with entertainment. However, if we spend too much time watching TV, it will numb our mind and destroy our creativity, which is exactly the opposite of what we really want. What’s more, TV can also show some pornographic programs, which are absolutely unsuitable for us young students. So, just as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides, and watching TV is no exception.
As a college student, I think recreational activities are very important for us. But this doesn’t mean we should take up whatever recreational activities are available. Instead, we should strike a balance between work and rest. We should have our own judgment, which means knowing what is good for us and what is not. And we should exercise self-control so as not to become addicted to them. I believe moderate recreational activity will benefit us in many ways and help us live a full, meaningful life.
夏老师的点评
这篇作文写得比较好，内容丰富，说理清楚，作者词汇量比较大，表达也比较自如。不足的是文章组织不够缜密，有些地方连贯性不够理想。少数地方句子结构有错，用词不确切，词语搭配不当，说明文字的基本功考(试大还不够扎实。另外，如果作为考试，文章的篇幅过长。建议考试时不要超过200词，剩下一点时间用于加工修改，以取得更好的成绩。下面是几点具体的修改建议，供习作者参考。
1. 第一段第三句中的 entertainment plays a major role in our daily lives 建议改为entertainment plays an important role in our daily lives。Major 虽有“重要的(important)”的意思，但其基本意思是“主要的(main, principal)”，用在这里在意思上有一点过了。
2. 第一段第四句中的 …covering from online computer games to lovely picnics, aiming at meeting the needs of all different groups 应改为 …– from online computer games to lovely picnics – that meet the needs of different groups of people。这里covering 是多余的，另外，语法有错，因为cover是接物动词，后面应接直接宾语。aiming at meeting 改为that meet更为直截了当。还有，different groups意思不清楚，加上of people意思就明确了。
3. 第二段第二句It can help us relax, have fun, divert ourselves from stress, etc. 宜改为 It can help us relax, have fun, and relieve stress. 原句语法没有错，但改过后，读起来节奏感更强，去掉etc.也使文章更为简洁有力。
4. 第二段第三句 I believe there is no better a thing than just relaxing and enjoying your favorite amusement when you’re free or stressed. 建议改为 In fact, I believe there is no better way to get exercise and relieve stress than to take an active part in recreational activities。原句中的there is no better a thing语法有错，不定冠词“a” 应去掉。从内容上讲，改过后，更加确切。
5. 第二段倒数第三句 it may also waste us a lot of time, thereby being just the opposite of what we really want建议改为 it will numb our mind and destroy our creativity, which is exactly the opposite of what we really want。which使文章的意思更好理解。
6. 第二段最后一句中的watching TV also has its advantages and disadvantages. 应改为and watching TV is no exception，使句子更简洁。
7. 第三段第二句和第三句After all, a proper balance between work and rest is the best. But this doesn’t mean we can choose whatever we like.建议改为But this doesn’t mean we can take up whatever recreational activities are available. Instead, we should strike a balance between work and rest。原句语法上没有错，但是内容组织得不好，句子间的连贯性差。
8. 第三段最后一句I believe in this case only, entertainment can bring its functions into full play and we can also truly understand the essence of life建议改为I believe moderate recreational activities will benefit us in many ways and help us live a full meaningful life。原句语法上没有错，但是this case不知所指，entertainment can bring its functions into full play这个句子内在逻辑上也有问题。
重点单词
