大学英语四级考试写作典型例文精彩点评(一)
日期:2008-10-24 23:25
(单词翻译:单击)
2003年9月考试四级作文题：The Day My Classmate Fell Ill (or Got Injured)
提纲：
1.简单叙述一下这位同学生病(或受伤)的情况
2.同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的
3.人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……
例1. (2分段)
One day, we are all in classroom. Wang fang said, "Oh!" We all see her and found that she was crying! Teacher turned to ask her what was wrong. She said, "I do got a fever, my head is very hot!" Feng Gang sent she to hospital, we all followed they. In the hospital, doctor Wang give a inject to her, she gradually calm and not hot as before. We all thanked the doctor.
点评：未能按照题目要求写，没有着重写"同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的" "人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……"。条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有错误，有的甚至影响理解。
原文修改后：
One day, when we were all in classroom., Wang fang Suddenly cried,, "Oh!" We all looked at her and found that she was groaning. Teacher turned to ask her what was wrong. She said, "I have got a fever, my head is very hot!"
Immediately, our teacher sent her to hospital, and we all followed them. In the hospital, we asked doctor Wang to give an injection to her, and she gradually became calm and not as hot as before. We all thanked the doctor.
The day has passed, but it is clearly in my mind. I think if we can do things like that in the incident, the society will be better, and the relationship between people will be better as well!
例2.(5分段)
Last week, li ning and I studied in classroom. Suddenly, lining said to me that he had a headache .I asked he to see doctor. he said it was not bad. After 5 miniuts, lining sai to me his headache very serious. So I helped him go to hosptial.
Students and teacher heard lining went to hosptial, all of them went to the hosptial. Some teacher asked lining dont worry, it will be good .Some students asked lining take care of himself. lining said that he was very moved.
Thought this things, I think a lot .The world is beautiful, because the love filled in it .people can help each other when who are in trouble.
点评：本文基本切题。语句衔接不自然，简单句使用得太多，有些表达不太准确，有明显的中文痕迹。要加强衔接词的运用，单复句的转换，句式的多样化，还有语言基本功的训练。
原文修改后：
Last week, Li ning and I studied in classroom. Suddenly, lining told me that he had a headache. I asked him to see the doctor. he said it was not so serious. After 5 minutes, Lining told me that his headache became worse. So I helped him go to hospital.
When Students and teachers heard that Lining had gone to hospital, all of them went to the hospital. Some teachers asked Lining not to worry and to take care of himself. Lining said that he was very moved.
Throught this, I think a lot.The world is beautiful because it was filled in love--people help each other in trouble.
例3.(8分段)
One day there is a student who was isolated for infectious disease. We and our teachers are concerting about his situation. But he must be isolated from us for relivesing measure.
In this important period, we telephoned to him, we also told him that he had a good rest time. we suggested that he call up his friends who were not kept in touch because of burden study and read some books which he enjoys but have no time to read .At last we told him that he must get over this fell .
I think we should love each other .when somebody needs help we should lend our one hand to him.
点评：本文基本切题，也有必要的细节描述。但有的地方表达不清楚。有比较多的语言错误。要注意连接词的使用和句式多样化，长短句可以间隔使用，使用长句时注意语法、力求表达清楚。
具体问题剖析：(1)全文时态不统一(举例略)。
(2)第二段语句衔接不自然，句式重复，且长句组织起来显得有点凌乱，语法错误相当多。在原文基础上修改如下："In this important period, we telephoned him, and told him to have a good rest.Besides, we advised him to call up his friends who were not kept in touch because of burdensome study ,on the other hand, to read some books which he enjoyed but had no time to read. At last we told him that he must overcome this ill."
例4.(11分段)
In 1 April 2003, one of my classmates was get serious cold. First day when he came to school, we found that his eyes were red and his sound was rough. The second day, his cold was too bad that he couldn’t go to school.
At that time, there was a serious ill called SARS in our country. It’s just like badly cold and can infected others easily. But our classmates didn’t go away from him. They seemed more close to him. Our classmates helped him to take back breakfast. Our teacher came to see him with his notes book. He helped him to study in order that he didn’t drop behind my classmates’ For he was my best friend, I just sat on his bed and do my best to comfort him.
Althought there was SARS around us, but I felt very warm from this thing. It told me that the love from true heart can help come across any difficult. We are so lucky that we live in a big warmth family. And not very long, my classmate was getting healthy and could come to school again. How happy we were!
点评：本文切题，表达思想清楚，文字比较连贯, 但有一些语法错误。
具体问题剖析：全文有一些语法、语言错误，如"In 1 April 2003, one of my classmates was get serious cold."应改为"In 1 April 2003,one of my classmates got serious cold."(时态);"First day when he came to school,"应改为"The first day when he came to school,"(介词遗漏);"his sound was rough."应改为"his voice was rough."(用词);"Althought there was SARS around us, I felt very warm from this thing."应把but去掉(连词); "It told me that the love from true heart can help come across any difficult."应改为"It told me that the love from true heart could help come across any difficulties."(时态、词性错误);"We are so lucky that we live in a big warmth family."应改为"We are so lucky that we live in a big warm family."(词性)。
例5.(14分段)
During the SARS period in this spring, the year of 2003, one of my classmates, Li ming, was struck down by the virus and was immediately sent to hospital.
The news spread quickly on campus. At first, we were terrified and wondered if we were infected too. However, through our government’s publicity on mass media, we gradually conquered the fear and set out to try out best to help her. Some teachers provided darly necessities while some students recorded the English class contents for him so that Li ming could not be left behind. With our care and concern, Li ming recovered quickly.
Such an incident teaches us a good moral. Our society is full of love, warm and peaceful, in which people-from man to woman, from individual to individual-lend others a hand. Just like a famous song goes, "the world will turn itto heaven only if everyone contributes a little." and I do believe that it’s my great honor to live in this love-filled paradise!
点评：本文切题，论证丰富生动，表达思想清楚，文字通顺，连贯性较好。基本上无大的语言错误，仅有个别小错误。
2003年9月六级考试作文题：
图表作文，关于一个美国大学图书馆的图书流动量(pop fiction, general nonfiction, science, art等)，给出他们的流动比例对比，说明原因，并说明你自己喜欢阅读什么样的书。
例1. (2分段)
此分段标准为条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有严重错误。
(为了不影响市容，给大家造成负面影响，故此处略去100字……)
例2.(5分段)
From the novel, we can see that the students like read(reading) novel, at the same time, only (a) small part of students like read(reading) science and art.
The reason to(for) this is novel is intereting(interesting), students like reading it. Most of the students read too much(many) major books when they have classes, so they want to read some(something) interesting (when) they have time. Novel can let them relax(relaxed). So they choose novel.
I like read(reading) novel, by reading it I know a lot of things, I also relax my brains. So I choose the novel.
点评：(1)基本切题。
(2)表达思想不清楚，连贯性差。
(3)有较多的严重语言错误。
(4)字数不够，要酌情扣分。
例3.(8分段)
We can know from the picture that most of students like reading popular novel instead of reading science, poetry. From this we can know different people have different addiction to(preferences for) books.
Different people have different addiction to(preferences for) books. They read different books just to meet their different needs. Because different people have different meets to read the different kinds of books. From this we can also see that different people have different intentions and notions. So they choose the different things to meet their needs in every facet in life.
I like reading poetry because I think poetry can make me calm, pleased, comfort(comforted), (and) I can see many beautiful thing(things) in the poetry.
点评：(1)基本切题。
(2)第二段表达有点乱。
(3)语言错误相当多，其中有一些是严重错误。
例4.(11分段)
Book is the source of life. When we read a book, we should not only linger on the surface of a book, but also we should(删掉) master its intrinsic. As is charted in the blank, we can see clearly that a majority of the university students in America are addictet(addicted) to the popular fiction, and a minority of student like reading the science, poetry.
Why do they like reading popular novels? In my opinion, popular novel books are usually interesting, earthly, close to our lives. In contrast, science, poetry books are usually serious, dull and difficult. Therefore, most of the students prefer the popular novels.
I like reading the since book(science books). For one thing, it can make me enhance my speciality knoweledy(specialized knowledge); In addition, it can help me know the frontier about my speciality and master the newest things in since(science); thirdly, it can give a good chance to know a lot and can help me to study the useful subject when I graduate from the university.
点评：(1)本文基本切题，表达思想清楚。
(2)文字连贯，语言通顺。
(3)有一些语言错误。
提纲：
1.简单叙述一下这位同学生病(或受伤)的情况
2.同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的
3.人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……
例1. (2分段)
One day, we are all in classroom. Wang fang said, "Oh!" We all see her and found that she was crying! Teacher turned to ask her what was wrong. She said, "I do got a fever, my head is very hot!" Feng Gang sent she to hospital, we all followed they. In the hospital, doctor Wang give a inject to her, she gradually calm and not hot as before. We all thanked the doctor.
点评：未能按照题目要求写，没有着重写"同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的" "人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……"。条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有错误，有的甚至影响理解。
原文修改后：
One day, when we were all in classroom., Wang fang Suddenly cried,, "Oh!" We all looked at her and found that she was groaning. Teacher turned to ask her what was wrong. She said, "I have got a fever, my head is very hot!"
Immediately, our teacher sent her to hospital, and we all followed them. In the hospital, we asked doctor Wang to give an injection to her, and she gradually became calm and not as hot as before. We all thanked the doctor.
The day has passed, but it is clearly in my mind. I think if we can do things like that in the incident, the society will be better, and the relationship between people will be better as well!
例2.(5分段)
Last week, li ning and I studied in classroom. Suddenly, lining said to me that he had a headache .I asked he to see doctor. he said it was not bad. After 5 miniuts, lining sai to me his headache very serious. So I helped him go to hosptial.
Students and teacher heard lining went to hosptial, all of them went to the hosptial. Some teacher asked lining dont worry, it will be good .Some students asked lining take care of himself. lining said that he was very moved.
Thought this things, I think a lot .The world is beautiful, because the love filled in it .people can help each other when who are in trouble.
点评：本文基本切题。语句衔接不自然，简单句使用得太多，有些表达不太准确，有明显的中文痕迹。要加强衔接词的运用，单复句的转换，句式的多样化，还有语言基本功的训练。
原文修改后：
Last week, Li ning and I studied in classroom. Suddenly, lining told me that he had a headache. I asked him to see the doctor. he said it was not so serious. After 5 minutes, Lining told me that his headache became worse. So I helped him go to hospital.
When Students and teachers heard that Lining had gone to hospital, all of them went to the hospital. Some teachers asked Lining not to worry and to take care of himself. Lining said that he was very moved.
Throught this, I think a lot.The world is beautiful because it was filled in love--people help each other in trouble.
例3.(8分段)
One day there is a student who was isolated for infectious disease. We and our teachers are concerting about his situation. But he must be isolated from us for relivesing measure.
In this important period, we telephoned to him, we also told him that he had a good rest time. we suggested that he call up his friends who were not kept in touch because of burden study and read some books which he enjoys but have no time to read .At last we told him that he must get over this fell .
I think we should love each other .when somebody needs help we should lend our one hand to him.
点评：本文基本切题，也有必要的细节描述。但有的地方表达不清楚。有比较多的语言错误。要注意连接词的使用和句式多样化，长短句可以间隔使用，使用长句时注意语法、力求表达清楚。
具体问题剖析：(1)全文时态不统一(举例略)。
(2)第二段语句衔接不自然，句式重复，且长句组织起来显得有点凌乱，语法错误相当多。在原文基础上修改如下："In this important period, we telephoned him, and told him to have a good rest.Besides, we advised him to call up his friends who were not kept in touch because of burdensome study ,on the other hand, to read some books which he enjoyed but had no time to read. At last we told him that he must overcome this ill."
例4.(11分段)
In 1 April 2003, one of my classmates was get serious cold. First day when he came to school, we found that his eyes were red and his sound was rough. The second day, his cold was too bad that he couldn’t go to school.
At that time, there was a serious ill called SARS in our country. It’s just like badly cold and can infected others easily. But our classmates didn’t go away from him. They seemed more close to him. Our classmates helped him to take back breakfast. Our teacher came to see him with his notes book. He helped him to study in order that he didn’t drop behind my classmates’ For he was my best friend, I just sat on his bed and do my best to comfort him.
Althought there was SARS around us, but I felt very warm from this thing. It told me that the love from true heart can help come across any difficult. We are so lucky that we live in a big warmth family. And not very long, my classmate was getting healthy and could come to school again. How happy we were!
点评：本文切题，表达思想清楚，文字比较连贯, 但有一些语法错误。
具体问题剖析：全文有一些语法、语言错误，如"In 1 April 2003, one of my classmates was get serious cold."应改为"In 1 April 2003,one of my classmates got serious cold."(时态);"First day when he came to school,"应改为"The first day when he came to school,"(介词遗漏);"his sound was rough."应改为"his voice was rough."(用词);"Althought there was SARS around us, I felt very warm from this thing."应把but去掉(连词); "It told me that the love from true heart can help come across any difficult."应改为"It told me that the love from true heart could help come across any difficulties."(时态、词性错误);"We are so lucky that we live in a big warmth family."应改为"We are so lucky that we live in a big warm family."(词性)。
例5.(14分段)
During the SARS period in this spring, the year of 2003, one of my classmates, Li ming, was struck down by the virus and was immediately sent to hospital.
The news spread quickly on campus. At first, we were terrified and wondered if we were infected too. However, through our government’s publicity on mass media, we gradually conquered the fear and set out to try out best to help her. Some teachers provided darly necessities while some students recorded the English class contents for him so that Li ming could not be left behind. With our care and concern, Li ming recovered quickly.
Such an incident teaches us a good moral. Our society is full of love, warm and peaceful, in which people-from man to woman, from individual to individual-lend others a hand. Just like a famous song goes, "the world will turn itto heaven only if everyone contributes a little." and I do believe that it’s my great honor to live in this love-filled paradise!
点评：本文切题，论证丰富生动，表达思想清楚，文字通顺，连贯性较好。基本上无大的语言错误，仅有个别小错误。
2003年9月六级考试作文题：
图表作文，关于一个美国大学图书馆的图书流动量(pop fiction, general nonfiction, science, art等)，给出他们的流动比例对比，说明原因，并说明你自己喜欢阅读什么样的书。
例1. (2分段)
此分段标准为条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有严重错误。
(为了不影响市容，给大家造成负面影响，故此处略去100字……)
例2.(5分段)
From the novel, we can see that the students like read(reading) novel, at the same time, only (a) small part of students like read(reading) science and art.
The reason to(for) this is novel is intereting(interesting), students like reading it. Most of the students read too much(many) major books when they have classes, so they want to read some(something) interesting (when) they have time. Novel can let them relax(relaxed). So they choose novel.
I like read(reading) novel, by reading it I know a lot of things, I also relax my brains. So I choose the novel.
点评：(1)基本切题。
(2)表达思想不清楚，连贯性差。
(3)有较多的严重语言错误。
(4)字数不够，要酌情扣分。
例3.(8分段)
We can know from the picture that most of students like reading popular novel instead of reading science, poetry. From this we can know different people have different addiction to(preferences for) books.
Different people have different addiction to(preferences for) books. They read different books just to meet their different needs. Because different people have different meets to read the different kinds of books. From this we can also see that different people have different intentions and notions. So they choose the different things to meet their needs in every facet in life.
I like reading poetry because I think poetry can make me calm, pleased, comfort(comforted), (and) I can see many beautiful thing(things) in the poetry.
点评：(1)基本切题。
(2)第二段表达有点乱。
(3)语言错误相当多，其中有一些是严重错误。
例4.(11分段)
Book is the source of life. When we read a book, we should not only linger on the surface of a book, but also we should(删掉) master its intrinsic. As is charted in the blank, we can see clearly that a majority of the university students in America are addictet(addicted) to the popular fiction, and a minority of student like reading the science, poetry.
Why do they like reading popular novels? In my opinion, popular novel books are usually interesting, earthly, close to our lives. In contrast, science, poetry books are usually serious, dull and difficult. Therefore, most of the students prefer the popular novels.
I like reading the since book(science books). For one thing, it can make me enhance my speciality knoweledy(specialized knowledge); In addition, it can help me know the frontier about my speciality and master the newest things in since(science); thirdly, it can give a good chance to know a lot and can help me to study the useful subject when I graduate from the university.
点评：(1)本文基本切题，表达思想清楚。
(2)文字连贯，语言通顺。
(3)有一些语言错误。
重点单词
