So I'd like to start, if I may, by asking you some questions.
如果可以的话，我想先问大家几个问题。
If you've ever lost someone you truly love, ever had your heart broken,
如果你曾失去过爱人，曾经历过心碎，
ever struggled through an acrimonious divorce, or been the victim of infidelity, please stand up.
曾经历过一场沸沸扬扬的离婚，或曾因婚姻里的不忠受伤，麻烦站起来。
If standing up isn't accessible to you, you can put your hand up.
如果不方便站起来的话可以举手。
Please, stay standing, and keep your hand up there.
麻烦保持站立，将手举好。
If you've ever lived through a natural disaster, been bullied or been made redundant, stand on up.
如果你曾遭遇自然灾害，遭受过凌辱或经历过裁员，请起立。
If you've ever had a miscarriage, if you've ever had an abortion or struggled through infertility, please stand up.
如果你流过产，曾堕过胎，或因不孕不育而感到困扰，请站起来。
Finally, if you, or anyone you love, has had to cope with mental illness, dementia,
最后，如果你，或你爱的人，不得不经受精神疾病、痴呆症，
some form of physical impairment, or cope with suicide, please stand up.
某种身体残障、或自杀的困扰，请站起来。
Look around you. Adversity doesn't discriminate.
看看你的周围。逆境从不歧视。
If you are alive, you are going to have to, or you've already had to, deal with some tough times. Thank you, everyone, take a seat.
人只要活着，就总会经历或已经经历了一些艰难的时期。谢谢大家，请就坐。
I started studying resilience research a decade ago, at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia.
大概从十几年前开始，我就开始在费城的宾夕法尼亚大学研究心理韧性。
It was an amazing time to be there, because the professors who trained me had just picked up the contract
在那里我度过了一段精彩的时光，因为带我的教授们当时正好接下了一个项目，
to train all 1.1 million American soldiers to be as mentally fit as they always have been physically fit.
要去训练110万美国军人，使他们在精神上也能像肉体般强壮。
As you can imagine, you don't get a much more skeptical discerning audience than the American drill sergeants returning from Afganistan.
你能想象得到，不会再有比从阿富汗回来的美军军官怀疑心更重的听众了。
So for someone like me, whose main quest in life is trying to work out how we take the best of scientific findings out of academia
因此，对于像我这样在生活中主要的追求是试图找出如何从学术界得到最好的科学发现
and bring them to people in their everyday lives, it was a pretty inspiring place to be.
并将学术研究成果应用到日常的人来说，那是一个很具启发性的地方。
I finished my studies in America, and I returned home here to Christchurch to start my doctoral research.
结束了在美国的学习之后，我回到了新西兰，也就是这里，我的家乡基督城，继续我的博士后研究项目。
I'd just begun that study when the Christchurch earthquakes hit.
研究工作刚开始不久，基督城就发生了地震。
So I put my research on hold, and I started working with my home community to help them through that terrible post-quake period.
于是我放下手头上的研究，与家乡的同伴一起，努力度过这段糟糕的震后时期。
I worked with all sorts of organizations from government departments to building companies, and all sorts of community groups,
我与各类组织都建立了合作，从政府部门到建筑公司及各种社区组织，
teaching them the ways of thinking and acting that we know boost resilience.
教导他们增强心理韧性的思维及行为模式。
I thought that was my calling. My moment to put all of that research to good use. But sadly, I was wrong.
我以为这就是我的使命。我终于可以将这些年的研究付诸实践。然而，很遗憾，我错了。
For my own true test came in 2014 on Queen's Birthday weekend.
真正的考验发生在2014年女王生日的那个周末。
We and two other families had decided to go down to Lake Ohau and bike the outs to ocean.
我们和其他两个家庭决定先开车到奥豪湖，然后再骑车到海边。
At the last minute, my beautiful 12-year-old daughter Abi
临行前，我12岁的漂亮女儿艾比，
decided to hop in the car with her best friend, Ella, also 12, and Ella's mom, Sally, a dear, dear friend of mine.
决定跟她的同龄好朋友艾拉坐同一辆车，还有艾拉的母亲莎莉，我非常非常好的朋友。
On the way down, as they traveled through Rakaia on Thompsons Track, a car sped through a stop sign,
一路往下开着，正要经过汤普森步道上的拉凯阿峡道，一辆车加速驶过停止标记，
crashing into them and killing all three of them instantly.
撞向了她们的车，导致她们三人当场身亡。
In the blink of an eye, I find myself flung to the other side of the equation, waking up with a whole new identity.
眨眼之间，我发现自己不再是之前的自己，而是以一个新的身份存在。
Instead of being the resilience expert, suddenly, I'm the grieving mother.
我不再是一个心理韧性的专家，突然间，我成了一名悲伤的母亲。
Waking up not knowing who I am, trying to wrap my head around unthinkable news, my world smashed to smithereens.
醒来时已经不知道自己是谁，只想着捂住头，不去想，不去管，我的世界已经崩溃了。
Suddenly, I'm the one on the end of all this expert advice.
突然间，我才是需要专家意见的那一个。
And I can tell you, I didn't like what I heard one little bit.
并且可以告诉你们，我什么意见也不想听。
In the days after Abi died, we were told we were now prime candidates for family estrangement.
艾比死后，我们被告知，我们已经成为家庭疏离的主要受害者。
That we were likely to get divorced and we were at high risk of mental illness.
我们很有可能会因此离婚，且很有可能会患上精神疾病。
"Wow," I remember thinking, "Thanks for that, I though my life was already pretty shit."
“哇，”我记得当时心想，“真谢谢了，我以为我的生活已经够糟糕的了。”
Leaflets described the five stages of grief: anger, bargaining, denial, depression, acceptance.
我收到的宣传单上描述了悲痛的五个阶段：愤怒、抗拒、否定、抑郁、接受。
Victim support arrived at our door and told us that we could expect to write off the next five years to grief.
受害者资助服务人员来到我们家门口，让我们做好准备，接下来的五年，我们可能会在悲痛中度过。
I know the leaflets and the resources meant well. But in all of that advice, they left us feeling like victims.
我明白这些传单还有资源是为我们好。然而所有的这些建议只会让我们感觉像是受害者。
Totally overwhelmed by the journey ahead, and powerless to exert any influence over our grieving whatsoever.
让我们对前路感到不知所措，无论如何也无力去摆脱这场悲痛带来的影响。
I didn't need to be told how bad things were.
我不需要别人来提醒我这一切有多糟糕了。
Believe me, I already knew things were truly terrible. What I needed most was hope.
相信我，我已经知道事情真的很糟糕。但我最需要的是一点希望。
I needed a journey through all that anguish, pain and longing.
我需要一趟旅程去消化所有的愤怒、伤痛及思念。
Most of all, I wanted to be an active participant in my grief process.
尤其是，我希望在我经历悲痛的过程中成为一名积极的参与者。
So I decided to turn my back on their advice and decided instead to conduct something of a self-experiment.
因此，我决定抛开他们所给的建议，而是开始进行一项自我试验。
I'd done the research, I had the tools, I wanted to know how useful they would be to me now in the face of such an enormous mountain to climb.
研究我已经做了，工具也有了，我想知道的是，当要攀登一座如此巨大的高山时，它们能多有效。
Now, I have to confess at this point, I didn't really know that any of this was going to work.
现在，我必须承认，我并不知道这样做是不是真的有用。
Parental bereavement is widely acknowledged as the hardest of losses to bear.
丧亲之痛已经被广泛认为是最无法承受的失去。
But I can tell you now, five years on, what I already knew from the research.
但我现在可以告诉你，五年过后，我从研究中收获了什么。
That you can rise up from adversity,
那就是你可以从逆境中站起来，
that there are strategies that work, that it is utterly possible to make yourself think and act in certain ways that help you navigate tough times.
有方法可以让你做到，你完全可以改变自己的思维及行为模式，借此来度过这段艰难的日子。
There is a monumental body of research on how to do this stuff.
关于具体应该如何操作，已经有了大量的研究。
Today, I'm just going to share with you three strategies.
今天，我会跟你们分享三个方法。
These are my go-to strategies that I relied upon and saved me in my darkest days.
它们是我手边的锦囊，在最黑暗的日子拯救了我。
They're three strategies that underpin all of my work, and they're pretty readily available to us all,
这三个方法支撑起了我的整个研究，且唾手可得，
anyone can learn them, you can learn them right here today.
谁都可以学会，今天，在这里，你们就能学到。
So number one, resilient people get that shit happens. They know that suffering is part of life.
那么第一，坚韧的人明白，谁都有不走运的一天。他们明白，苦难是生活的一部分。
This doesn't mean they actually welcome it in, they're not actually delusional.
这并不是说他们想让这些破事发生。他们并不真的那么天真。
Just that when the tough times come, they seem to know that suffering is part of every human existence.
只是当不顺来临时，他们可以明白苦难是人类体验的一部分。
And knowing this stops you from feeling discriminated against when the tough times come.
明白这一点会让你在遇到逆境时不再觉得上天对你不公。
Never once did I find myself thinking, "Why me?"
我从没想过，“为什么偏偏是我？”
In fact, I remember thinking, "Why not me? Terrible things happen to you, just like they do everybody else. That's your life now, time to sink or swim."
事实上，我记得我脑子里想的是，“为什么不是我？不顺的事情会发生在你身上，就像发生在其他人身上一样。现在这是你的人生了，是时候选择下沉或上游。”
The real tragedy is that not enough of us seem to know this any longer.
真正的悲剧是，只有少部分人明白这一点。
We seem to live in an age where we're entitled to a perfect life, where shiny, happy photos on Instagram are the norm,
我们仿佛生活在这样一个时代，我们的人生必须完美，Instagram上只会出现光鲜亮丽的照片，
when actually, as you all demonstrated at the start of my talk, the very opposite is true.
而实际上，就像开场时我们看到的一样，事实正好相反。

Number two, resilient people are really good at choosing carefully where they select their attention.
第二点，坚韧的人非常善于将他们的注意力放在恰当的地方。
They have a habit of realistically appraising situations,
他们有现实地评估情况的习惯，
and typically, managing to focus on the things that they can change, and somehow accept the things that they can't.
通常，他们会专注于他们可以改变的事情，并以某种方式接受他们不能改变的事情。
This is a vital, learnable skill for resilience.
对于心理韧性来说，这是重要且可以学习到的能力。
As humans, we are really good at noticing threats and weaknesses.
身为人类，我们非常善于捕捉到威胁和弱点。
We are hardwired for that negative. We're really, really good at noticing them.
我们本能地对消极敏感。而且非常非常善于留意到它们。
Negative emotions stick to us like Velcro, whereas positive emotions and experiences seems to bounce off like Teflon.
我们常常无法摆脱负面情绪，而正能量和积极的体验则无法靠近我们。
Being wired in this way is actually really good for us, and served us well from an evolutionary perspective.
这种本能其实对我们是有好处的，且从进化论的角度来说很合理。
So imagine for a moment I'm a cavewoman, and I'm coming out of my cave in the morning,
想象我是一个女原始人，今天早晨我从洞里出来，
and there's a saber-toothed tiger on one side and a beautiful rainbow on the other.
发现洞口的一侧有一只剑齿虎，而另一侧则有一道很美的彩虹。
It kind of pays for my survival for me to notice this tiger.
但为了活命，我不得不关注这只老虎。
The problem is, we now live in an era where we are constantly bombarded by threats all day long,
问题是，现在我们活在一个终日被威胁轰炸的年代，
and our poor brains treat every single one of those threats as though they were a tiger.
且我们可怜的小脑瓜不得不把它们每一个都看做是一只老虎。
Our threat focus, our stress response, is permanently dialed up.
我们不停地将精力集中在侦测威胁，也不停地想方设法来应对。
Resilient people don't diminish the negative, but they also have worked out a way of tuning into the good.
坚韧的人不会否定这些负面影响，只是他们找到了合适的方法将其转化成积极的能量。
One day, when doubts were threatening to overwhelm me, I distinctly remember thinking,
有一天，这些疑虑又来搅扰我时，我清楚地记得当时心想，
"No, you do not get to get swallowed up by this. You have to survive. You've got so much to live for.
“不，你不能陷在这些情绪里。要继续生存下去。你的人生还有很多希望。
Choose life, not death. Don't lose what you have to what you have lost."
选择生存，而不是死亡。不要为了一棵树，而失去了整片森林。”
In psychology, we call this benefit finding. In my brave new world, it involved trying to find things to be grateful for.
心理学上，我们称之为“创伤修复”。在我的勇敢新世界里，这包括了尝试找出值得感恩的事情。
At least our wee girl hadn't died of some terrible, long, drawn-out illness.
起码我们的小女儿不是死于某种可怕的、长期无法治愈的病症。
She died suddenly, instantly, sparing us and her that pain.
她去得很快，只是一瞬间的事，省去了对我们还有她自己的这份折磨。
We had a huge amount of social support from family and friends to help us through.
亲人和朋友给予了我们大量的社会支持，以帮助我们渡过难关。
And most of all, we still had two beautiful boys to live for, who needed us now, and deserved to have as normal a life as we could possibly give them.
最重要的是，我们还有两个可爱的儿子，需要我们的照顾，他们值得拥有正常的生活。
Being able to switch the focus of your attention to also include the good has been shown by science to be a really powerful strategy.
转移注意力到发现美好的事物上，在科学上已被证明是非常有效的方法。
So in 2005, Martin Seligman and colleagues conducted an experiment.
在2005年，马丁·赛里格曼和同事进行了一个实验。
And they asked people, all they asked people to do, was think of three good things that had happened to them each day.
他们要求实验参与者每天想出三件发生在他们身上的好事。
What they found, over the six months course of this study,
经过六个月的研究，他们发现，
was that those people showed higher levels of gratitude, higher levels of happiness and less depression over the course of the six-month study.
参与者更懂得感恩，更加觉得幸福，且在这六个月时间里，抑郁的症状有所缓解。
When you're going through grief, you might need a reminder, or you might need permission to feel grateful.
悲痛过后，你可能需要一个提醒，或一个感恩的机会。
In our kitchen, we've got a bright pink neon poster that reminds us to "accept" the good.
在我们家的厨房挂着一张亮粉色的霓虹海报，来提醒我们“接受”那些美好。
In the American army, they framed it a little bit differently. They talked to the army about hunting the good stuff.
而在美国军队中，说法有些许不同。他们鼓励军人去捕获美好的事物。
Find the language that works for you, but whatever you do, make an intentional, deliberate, ongoing effort to tune into what's good in your world.
找到适合你自己的表达，但不管做些什么，记得要有目标，刻意且持续不断地努力，转向生命中那些美好的事物。
Number three, resilient people ask themselves, "Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?"
第三点，坚韧的人会问自己，“现在我做的对我是有益的还是有害的？”
This is a question that's used a lot in good therapy.
很多有效的治疗里都会问到这一个问题。
And boy, is it powerful. This was my go-to question in the days after the girls died.
多有力量啊！这也是我在女儿死后问自己的问题。
I would ask it again and again. "Should I go to the trial and see the driver? Would that help me or would it harm me?"
我一次一次地问，“是不是应该去参加审判，看看那个司机？这对我有好处吗？”
Well, that was a no-brainer for me, I chose to stay away.
对我来说答案很明显，我选择回避。
But Trevor, my husband, decided to meet with the driver at a later time.
然而，我的丈夫特雷弗在过了一段时间后，决定去见见那个司机。
Late at night, I'd find myself sometimes poring over old photos of Abi, getting more and more upset.
到了晚上，有时我会翻看艾比的照片，看着看着便难过了起来。
I'd ask myself, "Really? Is this helping you or is it harming you? Put away the photos, go to bed for the night, be kind to yourself."
我便问自己，“真的吗？这对你有好处吗？把照片放回去，已经很晚了，到床上去休息，对自己好一点。”
This question can be applied to so many different contexts.
这个问题适用于各种不同的场合。
Is the way I'm thinking and acting helping or harming you, in your bid to get that promotion, to pass that exam, to recover from a heart attack?
当面临升职、重要的考试、从心脏病发作中康复，我所想所做的对我有没有好处？
So many different ways. I write a lot about resilience, and over the years, this one strategy has prompted more positive feedback than any other.
我用了多种不同的方式，写下了大量关于坚韧性的内容，而时间证明，比起其它任何方法，这个策略能激起更多积极的回应。
I get scores of letters and emails and things from all over the place of people saying what a huge impact it's had on their lives.
我收到了从世界各地的人们寄来的信件及电邮，谈到了这对他们的生有着多大的影响。
Whether it is forgiving family ancient transgressions, arguments from Christmases past,
无论是与去年圣诞节家庭里发生的矛盾和解，
or whether it is just trolling through social media, whether it is asking yourself whether you really need that extra glass of wine.
还是单纯浏览社交媒体，或是在问自己是不是真的需要借酒消愁。
Asking yourself whether what you're doing, the way you're thinking, the way you're acting is helping or harming you, puts you back in the driver's seat.
问问自己你的所做所想，你的行动方式是在帮助你还是在害你，拿回对事情的主控权。
It gives you some control over your decision-making. Three strategies. Pretty simple.
这会让你在做决定时更主动。就是这三个秘诀。非常简单。
They're readily available to us all, anytime, anywhere. They don't require rocket science.
唾手可得，随时随地都可以实践。它们并不复杂。
Resilience isn't some fixed trait. It's not elusive, that some people have and some people don't.
坚韧性并不是什么特定的品质。它并非遥不可及，任何人都可以拥有。
It actually requires very ordinary processes. Just the willingness to give them a go.
实际上它只需要一些很简单的步骤和一颗愿意去尝试的心。
I think we all have moments in life where our life path splits
我想我们都会有走到人生岔路口的那一刻，
and the journey we thought we were going down veers off to some terrible direction that we never anticipated, and we certainly didn't want.
可能接下来的生命旅程会出现可怕的走向，让我们措手不及，也不是我们想要的。
It happened to me. It was awful beyond imagining.
这样的事已经在我的身上发生了。痛苦的程度难以想象。
If you ever find yourselves in a situation where you think "There's no way I'm coming back from this,"
如果你发现自己身处某种境地，让你觉得“我永远不可能走出来”，
I urge you to lean into these strategies and think again.
我鼓励你利用这些方法再重新想一想。
I won't pretend that thinking this way is easy. And it doesn't remove all the pain.
我不会假装这很容易。这么做也并不会让痛苦消失。
But if I've learned anything over the last five years, it is that thinking this way really does help.
但如果要说过去五年内我学到了什么，那就是这么去想的确是有帮助的。
More than anything, it has shown me that it is possible to live and grieve at the same time.
这个方法比任何其他方法都有效，因为它让我知道，生活与悲伤是可以共存的。
And for that, I would be always grateful. Thank you.
我将永远为此而感恩。谢谢。