OK, I have a question for all of us. You ready? Is all winning success? Oh.
好，我要问大家一个问题，你们准备好了吗？所有的获胜都代表成功吗？哦。
Whoa. OK. I am the recently retired head coach of the UCLA Women's Gymnastics Team,
喔，好的。我是最近刚退休的加州大学洛杉矶分校女子体操队的主教练，
a position that I held for 29 years. Thank you.
我在这个职位任教了29年。谢谢。
And during my tenure, I experienced a lot of winning.
在我任职期间，尝过很多次胜利的滋味。
I led our team to seven National Championships, I was inducted into the UCLA Athletic Hall of Fame
我带领我的团队赢得了7次全国冠军，我被编入了学校的运动员名人堂，
and I was even voted the Coach of the Century by the Pac-12 Conference.
甚至当选太平洋十二校联盟本世纪最佳教练。
Winning is really, really, like, really, really fun.
获胜真的、真的、非常、非常让人愉快。
But I am here to share my insight: winning does not always equal success.
但我在这里想要分享我的见解：获胜并不总是等于成功。
All across America and around the world, we have a crisis in the win-at-all-cost cultures that we have created.
美国和全世界的人们正处在一场我们自己遭致的危机中，那就是要不惜一切代价去获胜的文化。
In our schools, in our businesses, in politics, winning at all cost has become acceptable.
在我们的学校、商业和政治领域中，大家逐渐接受了不惜一切代价获胜的文化。
As a society, we honor the people at the top of the pyramid.
在我们社会里，我们尊重位于金字塔尖的人。
We effusively applaud those people who win championships and elections and awards.
我们过度地为那些赢得冠军、选举和奖项的人喝彩。
But sadly, quite often, those same people are leaving their institutions as damaged human beings.
但令人难过的是，往往也是这些人，最后遍体鳞伤地离开了原来的团队。
Sadly, with straight A's, kids are leaving school damaged.
同样令人难过的是，成绩优异的学生在离开校园时背负着创伤。
With awards and medals, athletes often leave their teams damaged, emotionally, mentally, not just physically.
运动员获得荣誉和奖项后，也时常伤痕累累的离队，除了身体，情绪和心理上也经受着伤痛的折磨。
And with huge profits, employees often leave their companies damaged.
在利润丰厚的公司，员工也时常选择身心俱疲地离开。
We have become so hyperfocused on that end result, and when the end result is a win,
我们过于专注于最终的结果，当最终迎来胜利时，
the human component of how we got there often gets swept under the proverbial rug, and so does the damage.
那些背后的功臣却没有得到应有的表彰，受到的伤害也被隐藏了起来。
So I'm calling for a time-out. Time-out. We need to redefine success.
所以我要呼吁，暂停一下。暂停一下。我们需要重新定义成功。
Real success is developing champions in life for our world, win or lose.
真正的成功是为世界培养人生赢家，不论输赢。
Real success is developing champions in life, not for your team, not for your business and,
真正的成功是培养人生的赢家，不是为了队伍，也不是为了公司，
I'm sad to tell you, not even for your Christmas card bragging rights. Sorry.
更不是为了在圣诞卡片上炫耀。抱歉。
So how do we do this?
那么我们要如何做？
First of all, you may be able to dictate your way to a win, but you can't dictate your way to success.
首先，你也许能决定获胜的方法，却不能支配你成功的方式。
Let me take you back to 1990, when I was first appointed the head coach of the UCLA Women's Gymnastics Team.
让我带你们回到1990年，那一年，我刚接手了加州大学洛杉矶分校女子体操队的主教练职位。
And I would like to share with you that I've never done gymnastics. I grew up in the world of ballet.
我想跟你们分享的是，我从来没有练过体操。我是在芭蕾舞的世界中长大的。
I have never done a cartwheel, and I couldn't teach you how to do a proper cartwheel.
我从来没有做过侧手翻，也无法教你怎么做一个正确的侧手翻。
It's sadly true. And I knew nothing about how to develop a team culture.
很遗憾，却是事实。我对如何发展团队文化一窍不通。
The best I could do was mimic other coaches who had won.
我能做的至多是模仿其他获胜的教练。
And so I became tough-talking, tough-minded, relentless, unsympathetic, bullish, unempathetic and oftentimes downright mean.
于是我变得刀子嘴，却没豆腐心，毫不留情，不近人情，气势汹汹，居高临下，有时甚至很苛刻。
I acted like a head coach whose only thought was to figure out how to win.
我表现就像个主教练，只想着要如何获胜。
My first few seasons as a head coach were abysmal,
我作为主教练的头几个赛季实在非常糟糕，
and after putting up with my brash coaching style for a few years, our team asked me for a team meeting.
我的队伍在忍受了我几年自以为是的教练风格后，邀请我参加了一个团队会议。
Well, I love team meetings, so I said, "Yay! Let's have a team meeting."
我很喜欢开团队会议，所以我说，“好啊！我们来开会吧。”
And for two solid hours, they gave me examples of how my arrogance was hurtful and demeaning.
整整两个小时，他们列举了很多例子，让我知道自己的自大让他们感到受伤和轻视，
Yeah, not yay. They explained to me that they wanted to be supported, not belittled.
这次是“好吧”，不是“好啊”。他们向我解释，他们需要支持，而非贬低。
They wanted to be coached up, not torn down. They wanted to be motivated, not pressured or bullied.
他们想要被督促，而非被摧毁。他们想要被激励，而非被施压或威逼。
That was my time-out, and I chose to change.
这是我的暂停，我选择做出改变。
Being a dogmatic dictator may produce compliant, good little soldiers, but it doesn't develop champions in life.
做一个独断专行的独裁者，也许会获得顺从、优秀的小士兵，但它无法培养人生赢家。
It is so much easier, in any walk of life,
在生活的各方面，
to dictate and give orders than to actually figure out how to motivate someone to want to be better.
独裁和发号施令比切实想出如何激励某人，想要去变得更好，要容易多了。
And the reason is -- we all know this -- motivation takes a really long time to take root.
原因在于--我们都知道这点--激励真的需要很长的时间去生根。
But when it does, it is character-building and life-altering.
但一旦扎根，它就会塑造品格和改变人生。
I realized that I needed to fortify our student-athletes as whole human beings, not just athletes who won.
我意识到，需要加强学生运动员的整体素质，而非只是为了获胜。
So success for me shifted from only focusing on winning to developing my coaching philosophy,
所以成功对我来说，从只关注于输赢转向了发展我的教练哲学，
which is developing champions in life through sport.
即通过体育来培养人生赢家。
And I knew if I did this well enough, that champion mentality would translate to the competition floor. And it did.
我知道如果我做得足够好，那种赢家心态将会在赛场上得到体现，事实也确实如此。
The key ingredient was to develop trust through patience, respectful honesty and accountability
关键在于通过耐心，诚实的尊重，以及负责去建立信任，
all of the ingredients that go into tough love.
所有这些关键因素都可以是严厉的爱。
Speaking of tough love, Katelyn Ohashi is a perfect example of this.
谈到严厉的爱，凯特琳·奥哈希是一个很好的例子。
You may have all seen her floor routine. It has had over 150 million views.
你可能看过她的地板动作，她的视频有1.5亿次观看量。
And the consensus is, her performance is pure joy.
大家都认为她乐在其中。
However, when Katelyn came to UCLA, she was broken in body, mind and spirit.
然而，当凯特琳来到加州大学洛杉矶分校时，她的状态很糟。
She had grown up in a stereotypical, very high-level athletic world, and she was damaged.
她在一个刻板的、非常高强度的运动世界中长大，她已经身心俱疲。
So when Katelyn came to UCLA her freshman year, she found her inner rebel quite well,
所以当凯特琳来到加州大学洛杉矶分校读大一的时候，她的内心变得有点叛逆，
to the point where she was no longer able to do gymnastics at the level at which she was recruited.
体操表现也不如刚入队时那样出色了。
And I will never forget a team meeting we had halfway through her freshman season.
我永远不会忘记我们在她新生季过半时开的一次团队会议。
We were in there with the team, the coaching staff, the support staff, sports psychologist,
我们整个团队都出席了，包括教练组，内勤组，运动心理学家，
and Katelyn very clearly and unapologetically said, "I just don't want to be great again."
凯特琳面无愧色地说：“我就是不想再次变得伟大。”
I felt like I got sucker punched.
我觉得自己仿佛挨了当头一棒。

My first thought was, "Then why the heck am I going to honor your scholarship?"
我的第一个想法是，“那我为什么要给你奖学金呢？”
It was a really snarky thought, and thankfully I didn't say it out loud, because then I had clarity.
这真是个非常刻薄的想法，幸亏我没大声说出来，因为随后我搞清楚了。
Katelyn didn't hate gymnastics. Katelyn hated everything associated with being great.
凯特琳不是讨厌体操。她讨厌的是任何与变伟大相关的东西。
Katelyn didn't want to be a winner, because winning at all cost had cost her her joy.
凯特琳不想获胜，因为不计成本地获胜牺牲了她的快乐。
My job was to figure out how to motivate her to want to be great again, by helping her redefine success.
我的工作就是要通过帮助她重新定义成功，激励她想要再创辉煌。
My enthusiasm for that challenge turned into determination when one day Katelyn looked me in the eye and said,
而让我对这个挑战的热情变成了决心的是，有天凯特琳看着我的眼睛说，
"Ms. Val, I just want you to know, everything you tell me to do, I do the exact opposite."
“瓦尔女士，我只想让你知道，我处处都想和你唱反调。”
Yeah, it was like, yeah, Katelyn, challenge accepted. OK.
没错。我只好在心里说，好吧凯特琳，我接受你的挑战。
And further proof that dictating was not going to win.
这进一步证明了命令起不了作用。
So I embarked on the painfully slow process of building trust
于是我走上了建立信任这条痛苦的漫漫长路，
and proving to her that first and foremost I cared about her as a whole human being.
也为了向她证明我最在乎的是她这个人本身。
Part of my strategy was to only talk to Katelyn about gymnastics in the gym.
我的策略之一是只在体育馆里讨论体操。
Outside of the gym, we talked about everything else: school, boys, families, friends, hobbies.
在体育馆外，我们讨论其他任何话题：学校，男孩，家庭，朋友，爱好。
I encouraged her to find things outside of her sport that brought her joy.
我鼓励她寻找体育之外能带给她快乐的东西。
And it was so cool to see the process of Katelyn Ohashi literally blossom before our eyes.
看到凯特琳·奥哈希在我们眼前开始慢慢绽放，这感觉真是太美妙了。
And through that process, she rediscovered her self-love and self-worth.
通过这个过程，她重新发现了自爱和自我价值。
And slowly, she was able to bring that joy back to her gymnastics.
慢慢的，她能够把那种欢乐带回到她的体操训练中。
She went on to earn the NCAA title on floor,
她赢得了美国大学体育协会自由体操比赛的冠军，
and she helped our team win our seventh NCAA championship in 2018. So... Thank you.
并帮助我们队在2018年赢得了第七次NCAA冠军。所以...谢谢。
So let's think about the Katelyn Ohashis in your life.
那么让我们想想你生活中的凯特琳·奥哈希们。
Let's think about those people under your care and your guidance.
让我们想想那些在你的照料和指导下的人。
What are you telling your kids on the car ride home?
在回家的路上你怎么跟孩子说的？
That car ride home has much more impact than you know.
接送孩子回家那段路程的影响超过你的想象。
Are you focusing on the end result, or are you excited to use that time to help your child develop into a champion?
你是关注最终结果，还是会很兴奋地利用那个时间把你的孩子变成人生赢家？
It's very simple: you will know you're focusing on the end result if you ask questions about the end result.
这非常简单：如果你问孩子的是结果，就说明你只在乎最终结果。
"Did you win?" "How many points did you score?" "Did you get an A?"
“你赢了吗？”“你得了几分？”“你的成绩是A吗？”
If you truly are motivated about helping your child develop into a champion,
如果你是真的想帮孩子成为赢家，
you will ask questions about the experience and the process, like, "What did you learn today?" "Did you help a teammate?"
你问的问题就会是关于经验和过程，比如，“你今天学到了什么？”“你帮助其他队友了吗？”
And, my favorite question, "Did you figure out how to have fun at working really, really hard?"
而我最爱的问题是，“你在非常、非常努力时，有乐在其中吗？”
And then the key is to be very still and listen to their response.
然后，关键是要专心倾听他们的回应。
I believe that one of the greatest gifts we can give another human being
我认为我们可以给予别人最好的礼物
is to silence our minds from the need to be right or the need to formulate the appropriate response
就是不要觉得凡事都必须如我们想的那样正确，也不需要刻意营造恰当的回应方式，
and truly listen when someone else is talking.
而是当别人讲话时，用心倾听。
And in silencing our minds, we actually hear our own fears and inadequacies,
摈弃自己的那些想法，能帮助我们听到自己的恐惧和不足，
which can help us formulate our response with more clarity and empathy.
让我们开始思考，该怎样更清楚、更有同情心的回应。
Kyla Ross, another one of our gymnasts, is one of the greatest gymnasts in the history of the sport.
凯拉·罗斯，我们的另一位体操运动员，是同类项目体育史上最伟大的体操运动员之一。
She's the only athlete to have earned the trifecta: she's a national champion, a world champion and an Olympic champion.
她是唯一的一位”三冠王“运动员：她是国家冠军，世界冠军和奥林匹克冠军。
She's also not one for small talk, so I was a bit surprised one day when she came to my office,
她也不喜欢闲聊，所以当她有天来到我办公室时，我有点惊讶，
sat on the couch and just started talking, first about her major,
她坐在沙发上，开始主动交谈起来，首先是关于她的专业，
then about graduate school and then about everything else that seemed to pop into her mind.
然后是关于研究生院，再然后是其他任何进入她脑海中的话题。
My inner voice whispered to me that something was on her mind,
我内在的声音告诉我，她心中一定有什么事情，
and if I was still and gave her enough time, it would come out. And it did.
假如我保持安静，给她足够的时间，她就会吐露心声。确实如此。
It was the first time that Kyla had shared with anyone that she had been sexually abused by Larry Nassar,
这是凯拉第一次跟别人分享她被拉里·纳萨尔性虐待的事，
the former USA Gymnastics team doctor, who was later convicted of being a serial child molester.
他是前美国体操队队医，后来被判犯有一系列猥亵儿童罪。
Kyla came forward and joined the army of Nassar survivors
凯拉站出来，加入了纳萨尔幸存者的阵营，
who shared their stories and used their voices to invoke positive change for our world.
去分享她们的故事，并且使用她们的声音为我们的世界带来了积极的变化。
I felt it was extremely important at that time to provide a safe space for Kyla and our team.
我感到在那个时刻，为凯拉和我们的团队提供安全空间至关重要。
And so I chose to talk about this in a few team meetings.
所以我选择在少数几个团队会议上讨论这个话题。
Later that year, we won the national championship, and after we did,
同年，我们赢得了全国冠军，在我们赢得冠军后，
Kyla came up to me and shared with me the fact that she felt one reason that we'd won
凯拉过来和我分享，她觉得我们之所以能赢，
was because we had addressed the elephant in the room, the tragedy that had not only rocked the world
是因为勇于直面困境，这个悲剧不仅震惊了世界，
but that had liberated the truths and the memories in herself and in so many of her friends and her peers.
但也解放了她和她如此多的朋友和同伴们内心的真相和记忆。
As Kyla said, "Ms. Val, I literally felt myself walk taller as the season went on,
正如凯拉所说，“瓦尔女士，这个赛季我觉得自己更上了一层楼，
and when I walked onto that championship floor, I felt invincible."
当我步入决赛时，我觉得自己是不可战胜的。”
Simply... Simply because she had been heard.
只是...只是因为有人愿意倾听她了。
As parents, as coaches, as leaders, we can no longer lead from a place where winning is our only metric of success,
无论是父母，教练，还是领袖，我们不能仅仅以获胜当作成功与否的考量，
where our ego sits center stage, because it has been proven that that process produces broken human beings.
也不能只考虑到自己的自尊，因为事实已经证明了，那个过程只能会让他人受伤。
And I emphatically know that it is absolutely possible
我很清楚，我们绝对可以
to produce and train champions in life in every single walk of life without compromising the human spirit.
在生活中的各行各业都去培养和训练人生赢家，而无需牺牲人类的精神。
It starts with defining success for yourself and those under your care
必须先为你自己和那些受你照顾的人定义成功，
and then consistently self-examining whether your actions are in alignment with your goals.
并且不间断地自我检查你的行动是否和你的目标一致。
We are all coaches in some capacity. We all have a collective responsibility to develop champions in life for our world.
在某种程度上，我们都是教练。我们都承担着共同的责任，去为我们的世界培养人生赢家。
That is what real success looks like, and in the world of athletics, that is what we call a win-win. Thank you.
这才是真正的成功，并且在运动员的世界中，这就是我们所说的双赢。谢谢。