My name is Hannah. And that is a palindrome.
我的名字叫汉纳。这是一个回文名字。
That is a word you can spell the same forwards and backwards, if you can spell.
这个名字，你正读反读都一样，如果你会拼写的话。
But the thing is -- my entire family have palindromic names. It's a bit of a tradition.
但问题是--我全家人的名字都是回文。这是我们家的一个传统。
We've got Mum, Dad -- Nan, Pop. And my brother, Kayak.
像妈妈，爸爸--奶奶，爷爷，还有我哥哥卡亚克。
There you go. That's just a bit a joke, there.
还不错吧。先开个玩笑。
I like to kick things off with a joke because I'm a comedian.
我喜欢用玩笑作开场白，因为我是喜剧演员。
Now there's two things you know about me already: my name's Hannah and I'm a comedian. I'm wasting no time.
现在你对我已经有两点了解：我的名字叫汉纳并且我是喜剧演员。我就不浪费时间了。
Here's a third thing you can know about me: I don't think I'm qualified to speak my own mind.
接下来说我的第三点：我觉得我没有资格来讲我的想法。
Bold way to begin a talk, yes, but it's true.
用这种方式开始演讲很冒险是的，但这是实话。
I've always had a great deal of difficulty turning my thinking into the talking.
我总是觉得我很难以用语言来表达我的思想。
So it seems a bit of a contradiction, then, that someone like me,
所以就有点矛盾，像我这样的人，
who is so bad at the chat, could be something like a stand-up comedian.
不擅长聊天却成了一个单口喜剧演员。
But there you go. There you go. It's what it is.
但就这样，就这样。事实如此。
I first tried my hand at stand-up comedi -- comedie ... See? See? See?
我第一次做单口喜...喜剧，你看？我口误了吧？你看！
I first tried my hand at stand-up comedy in my late 20s,
我第一次做单口喜剧表演的时候才二十几岁。
and despite being a pathologically shy virtual mute with low self-esteem who'd never held a microphone before,
尽管我那时病态地害羞，几乎沉默无语，极度自卑并且从未拿过麦克风讲话，
I knew as soon as I walked and stood in front of the audience, I knew, before I'd even landed my first joke,
我一走过去，站在观众面前，我就知道，我还没讲第一个笑话，我就知道，
I knew that I really liked stand-up, and stand-up really liked me.
我知道我真的喜欢单口喜剧。单口喜剧也特别喜欢我。
But for the life of me, I couldn't work out why.
可是无论如何我也想不出为什么。
Why is it I could be so good at doing something I was so bad at?
为什么我会擅长一件我这么不擅长的事情。
I just couldn't work it out, I could not understand it. That is, until I could.
我就是想不明白，也不能理解。后来我才想明白。
Now, before I explain to you why it is that I can be good at something I'm so bad at,
现在，我先不解释我会擅长一件我这么不擅长的事情，
let me throw another spanner of contradiction into the work by telling you that not long after I worked out why that was, I decided to quit comedy.
让我再讲一个我工作中自相矛盾的事情，想告诉你们的是，我一想出答案不久，我就决定不做喜剧了。
And before I explain that little oppositional cat I just threw amongst the thinking pigeons,
但是在我给你们这些爱思考的听众解释这个自相矛盾之前，
let me also tell you this: quitting launched my comedy career.
让我来告诉你：离开喜剧才让我真正开始我的喜剧事业。
Like, really launched it, to the point where after quitting comedy, I became the most talked-about comedian on the planet,
真的，真正开始，是在我离开喜剧之后，我成了全球最热点的喜剧演员，
because apparently, I'm even worse at making retirement plans than I am at speaking my own mind.
显然，相比较于语言来表达我的思想，我更不擅长作退休的准备。
Now, all I've done up until this point apart from giving over a spattering of biographical detail
那么，到目前为止，我所做的，除了给你们讲我这些零零碎碎的生平，
is to tell you indirectly that I have three ideas that I want to share with you today.
就是含蓄地告诉你们我有三个想法，是我想要跟你们分享的。
And I've done that by way of sharing three contradictions:
而我是用三个自相矛盾的例子来告诉你们的：
one, I am bad at talking, I am good at talking; I quit, I did not quit. Three ideas, three contradictions.
第一，我不擅长讲话，而我又很擅长讲话；我离开喜剧，但是我其实没有离开。三个想法，三个自相矛盾。
Now, if you're wondering why there's only two things on my so-called list of three...
现在，如果你们在想着，为什么只有两件事。我刚才不是说三件吗。
I remind you it is literally a list of contradictions. Keep up.
我提醒你一下，这就是一系列的自相矛盾。继续。
Now, the folks at TED advised me that with a talk of this length, it's best to stick with just sharing one idea. I said no.
TED的工作人员建议我，由于时间关系，我最好只专注讲一件事情。我说，不。
What would they know? To explain why I have chosen to ignore what is clearly very good advice,
他们怎么能懂呢。要想解释我为什么会不听这么好的建议，
I want to take you back to the beginning of this talk, specifically, my palindrome joke.
我得跟你们从最开始的那个笑话说起，具体就是那个回文名字的笑话。
Now that joke uses my favorite trick of the comedian trade, the rule of three,
那个笑话用的是我最喜欢的喜剧技巧：三法则，
whereby you make a statement and then back that statement up with a list.
也就是说，你先作一个陈述，然后用一连串的陈述来印证它。
My entire family have palindromic names: Mum, Dad, Nan, Pop.
我所有的家人都有回文名字：妈妈，爸爸，奶奶，爷爷。
The first two ideas on that list create a pattern, and that pattern creates expectation.
这两个陈述就为这个系列提供了一个模式，这个模式就能让人产生期待。
And then the third thing -- bam! -- Kayak. What? That's the rule of three. One, two, surprise! Ha ha.
接下来，第三个陈述--“哐”！卡亚克，啊？这就是三法则。一，二，然后是抖包袱！哈，哈。
Now, the rule of three is not only fundamental to the way I do my craft, it is also fundamental to the way I communicate.
三法则不但是我写稿子的基本原则，它也是我交流的基本方式。
So I won't be changing anything for nobody,
我不会为任何人，任何事来做出改变，
not even TED, which, I will point out, stands for three ideas: technology, entertainment and dickheads.
即便是TED，其实它也是代表了三个观点：（T）科技，（E）娱乐还有（D）蠢货。
Works every time, doesn't it?
每次都有效，是吧！
But you need more than just jokes to be able to cut it as a professional comedian.
但是作为一个专业喜剧演员你不仅需要笑话。
You need to be able to walk that fine line between being charming and disarming.
你还需要在舞台魅力和释放善意之间寻找平衡点。
And I discovered the most effective way to generate the amount of charm I needed to offset my disarming personality was through not jokes but stories.
我就发现为了达到最好的舞台效果，最有效的释放善意的方法不是讲笑话，而是讲我的故事。
So my stand-up routines are filled with stories: stories about growing up, my coming out story,
所以我在单口喜剧秀里，都是在讲故事：关于我成长的故事，我出柜的故事，
stories about the abuse I've copped for being not only a woman but a big woman and a masculine-of-center woman.
我被霸凌的故事，不仅因为我是一个女人，而且是体型很大的女人，一个充满阳刚气的女人。
If you watch my work online, check the comments out below for examples of abuse.
如果你在网上看我的表演，看看下面的评论，就知道什么是霸凌。
It's that time in the talk where I shift into second gear, and I'm going to tell you a story about everything I've just said.
通常在这个时候我就会开始提速了，我会用一个故事来告诉你我刚才所说的一切。
In the last few days of her life, my grandma was surrounded by people, a lot of people,
在我奶奶生命的最后几天，她身边围满了人，很多人，
because my grandma was the loving matriarch of a large and loving family.
因为奶奶是我们这个相亲相爱的大家族的慈爱的族长。
Now, if you haven't made the connection already, I am a member of that family.
如果现在你还没弄清楚这里的关系，跟你说，我是这个家族的一员。
I was lucky enough to be able to say goodbye to my grandma on the day she died.
我很幸运能有机会与奶奶道别，就在她临终的那一天。
But as she was already cocooned within herself by then, it was something of a one-sided goodbye.
但那时她已经蜷缩在她自己的世界里，所以这个道别其实是单向的。
So I thought about a lot of things, things I hadn't thought about in a long time,
我想了很多事情，那些我很久都没有想过的事情，
like the letters I used to write to my grandma when I first started university,
我过去常常给奶奶写信，那是在我刚上大学的时候，
letters I filled with funny stories and anecdotes that I embellished for her amusement.
信里写了很多好笑的轶闻趣事，我就是为了博她一笑。
And I remembered how I couldn't articulate the anxiety and fear that filled me
我还记起，我无法启齿我心中的焦虑和恐惧，
as I tried to carve my tiny little life into a world that felt far too big for me.
面对着过于庞大的世界，我不知如何安放自己渺小的生命。
But I remembered finding comfort in those letters, because I wrote them with my grandma in mind.
但是我记得这些信带给我的慰藉，因为写信的时候我心里想着奶奶。
But as the world got more and more overwhelming and my ability to negotiate it got worse, not better, I stopped writing those letters.
但是当这个世界越来越让人窒息，而我应对它的能力没有提高，而是更糟的时候，我便不再写信了。
I just didn't think I had the life that Grandma would want to read about.
我只是觉得我那时的生活，没有什么可以讲给奶奶听的。
Grandma did not know I was gay, and about six months before she died, out of nowhere, she asked me if I had a boyfriend.
奶奶不知道我是同性恋，而她去世的半年前，她无缘无故地问我有没有男朋友。
Now, I remember making a conscious decision in that moment not to come out to my grandmother.
现在我还记得，当时做了一个清醒的决定，就是不在她面前出柜。
And I did that because I knew her life was drawing to an end, and my time with her was finite,
之所以那么做，是我觉得她的生命已经到了尽头，而我与她共处的时光有限，
and I did not want to talk about the ways we were different.
我就不想跟她讨论我们之间的不同。
I wanted to talk about the ways were we connected. So I changed the subject.
我那时只想跟她谈那些，我们可以交谈的东西，于是我就转移了话题。
And at the time, it felt like the right decision.
在当时，我觉得那是个正确的决定。
But as I sat witness to my grandmother's life as it tapered to its inevitable end,
但是当我坐在她身旁，目睹着她的生命渐渐地消失在无可避免的尽头，
I couldn't help but feel I'd made a mistake not to share such a significant part of my life.
我不禁感到，我犯了一个错误，因为我没能跟她分享我生命中最重要的一部分。
But I also knew that I'd missed my opportunity, and as Grandma always used to say,
但是我也知道，我已经没有机会了，就如同奶奶常说的，
"Ah, well, it's all part of the soup. Too late to take the onions out now."
“嗯，现在都已经炖在汤里了，想把洋葱捞上来是不可能的。”
And I thought about that, and I thought about how I had to deal with too many onions as a kid,
我想到了那些事，想到了我还是个孩子的时候，我不得不面对太多的“洋葱”
growing up gay in a state where homosexuality was illegal.
同性恋的我，成长在一个把同性恋视为非法的州里。
And with that thought, I could see how tightly wrapped in the tendrils of my own internalized shame I was.
想到那些，我就能看到自己如何紧紧地把自己包裹在内心的耻辱里。
And with that, I thought about all my traumas: the violence, the abuse, my rape.
想到那些，我记起了我所有的心灵创伤：那些暴力，虐待和强暴。
And with all that cluster of thinking, a thought, a question, kept popping into my mind to which I had no answer:
伴随着这一系列的记忆和思考，我的脑海里浮现出这样一个思考和问题，一个我还没有答案的问题：
What is the purpose of my human?
作为一个人，我生命的意义是什么？

Out of anyone in my family, I felt the most akin to my grandmother.
在我的家庭里，我跟奶奶是最像的。
I mean, we share the most traits in common. Not so much these days.
我是说，我们有太多相似的地方。这些天有所改变了。
Death really changes people. But that -- is my grandmother's sense of humor.
死亡真是太能改变一个人了。但是，那就是，那就是我奶奶的幽默感。
But the person I felt most akin to in the world was a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, a great-great-grandmother.
但是在这个世界上我最亲近的人是母亲，奶奶，曾奶奶，曾曾奶奶。
Me? I represented the very end of my branch of the family tree.
我呢？我家族的这棵大树，在我这里终结。
And I wasn't entirely sure I was still connected to the trunk. What was the purpose of my human?
我都不确定我是否跟这棵树还连在一起。那我生命的意义是什么呢？
The year after my grandmother's death was the most intensely creative of my life.
我奶奶去世之后的一年，是我有生以来创作最活跃的一年。
And I suppose that's because, at an end, my thoughts gather more than they scatter.
我想那是因为，终于，我可以把思绪聚拢起来，而不像过去那样散落一地。
My thought process is not linear. I'm a visual thinker. I see my thoughts.
我的思维过程不是线性的，我是一个视觉思考者。我可以看到我的思想。
I don't have a photographic memory, and nor is my head a static gallery of sensibly collected think pieces.
我没有那种图片式的记忆，我的头脑也不是一个静态的画廊，能理性地收藏各种思绪的片段。
It's more that I've got this ever-evolving language of hieroglyphics that I've developed
它更像是不断累计的象形文字，我自己创造了这些文字，
and can understand fluently and think deeply with, but I struggle to translate.
并且可以轻松地理解和用来做深度思考，但是我无法翻译这些象形文字。
I can't paint, draw, sculpt, or even haberdash,
我不会油画，素描，雕塑，我甚至不会搭配衣服，
and as for the written word, I'm OK at it but it's a tortuous process of translation, and I don't feel it does the job.
而对于书面文字，我还可以，但是这个翻译过程太折磨人了，而且我总觉得词不达意。
And as far as speaking my own mind, like I said, I'm not great at it.
所以就像我说的，我不擅长表达自己的思想。
Speech has always felt like an inadequate freeze-frame for the life inside of me.
总是觉得语言对于我内心的表达如同错误定格的照片。
All this to say, I've always understood far more than I've ever been able to communicate.
总而言之，我思考的深度远远胜过我的表达能力。
Now, about a year before Grandma died, I was formally diagnosed with autism.
在我奶奶去世一年前，我被正式诊断患有自闭症。
Now for me, that was mostly good news.
这对于现在的我，差不多算是一个好消息。
I always thought that I couldn't sort my life out like a normal person because I was depressed and anxious.
我总是觉得我无法像正常人一样理清我的生活，因为我总是抑郁和焦虑。
But it turns out I was depressed and anxious because I couldn't sort my life out like a normal person,
但事实是，我的抑郁和焦虑，是由于我无法像正常人一样理清我的生活，
because I was not a normal person, and I didn't know it.
因为我就不是一个“正常”的人。可我那时并不知道。
Now, this is not to say I still don't struggle.
现在，并不是说，我不再挣扎了。
Every day is a bit of a struggle, to be honest.
坦白讲，每一天还是会挣扎。
But at least now I know what my struggle is, and getting to the starting line of normal is not it.
但少现在我知道我为什么挣扎，我并不是要挣扎着成为一个“正常”的人。
My struggle is not to escape the storm. My struggle is to find the eye of the storm as best I can.
我的挣扎并不是逃离风暴。我的挣扎是尽我的能力，找到风暴眼。
Now, apart from the usual way us spectrum types find our calm -- repetitive behaviors, routine and obsessive thinking
我除了使用通常的方法找到心灵的宁静--比如强迫行为，习惯性的强迫思维，
I have another surprising doorway into the eye of the storm: stand-up comedy.
我惊讶地发现了另一个通往风暴眼的途径：单人喜剧表演。
And if you need any more proof I'm neurodivergent, yes, I am calm doing a thing that scares the hell out of most people.
如果你需要更多证据的话，没错，我是神经多样性的，有些事能把多数人吓得要死，我却能镇定自若。
I'm almost dead inside up here.
因为我本来就心如死水。
Diagnosis gave me a framework on which to hang bits of me I could never understand.
这个诊断给了我一个空间，可以归置那些自己都不能理解的东西。
My misfit suddenly had a fit, and for a while, I got giddy with a newfound confidence I had in my thinking.
我的格格不入忽然有了安放之地，有一段时间，这刚刚找到的思考的自信让我兴奋不已。
But after Grandma died, that confidence took a dive, because thinking is how I grieve.
但是奶奶过世后这份自信跌入谷底，因为我哀悼她的方式就是思考。
And in that grief of thought, I could suddenly see with so much clarity just how profoundly isolated I was and always had been.
而在这哀伤的思考中，我忽然清晰地认识到我一直以来是多么地与世隔绝。
What was the purpose of my human?
那么我生命的意义是什么呢？
I began to think a lot about how autism and PTSD have so much in common.
我开始思考很多自闭症和PTSD（心理创伤）的相似之处。
And I started to worry, because I had both.
我开始担心，因为我受这两种病症的困扰。
Could I ever untangle them? I'd always been told that the way out of trauma was through a cohesive narrative.
我能最终得到解脱吗？我总是听说，走出创伤的途径是通过连贯的叙述。
I had a cohesive narrative, but I was still at the mercy of my traumas.
我有过连贯的叙述，但是我还是饱受创伤之苦。
They're all part of my soup, but the onions still stung.
它们已经融入汤里，但是洋葱还是辣的。
And at that point, I realized that I'd been telling my stories for laughs.
那个时候，我意识到我讲述故事的时候只是为了娱乐效果。
I'd been trimming away the darkness, cutting away the pain and holding on to my trauma for the comfort of my audience.
我修剪掉了黑暗的部分，切掉了痛苦，我呈现给观众的创伤，只为取悦他们。
I was connecting other people through laughs, yet I remained profoundly disconnected.
我是想通过笑声与其他人建立联系，但是内心深处，我与人深深地隔绝。
What was the purpose of my human? I did not have an answer, but I had an idea.
那么我生命的意义何在呢？我那时没有一个答案。但是我有了一个想法。
I had an idea to tell my truth, all of it, not to share laughs but to share the literal, visceral pain of my trauma.
我想出办法来讲出故事真相，毫无保留的真相，不是为了取悦观众，而是分享我真实的、切肤的创伤。
And I thought the best way to do that would be through a comedy show.
我觉得最好的方式就是通过喜剧表演。
And that is what I did. I wrote a comedy show that did not respect the punchline,
于是我就这么做了。我在创作的时候没有遵循击中笑点的模式，
that line where comedians are expected and trusted to pull their punches and turn them into tickles.
那种喜剧演员常用的方式，来抖出他们的包袱，让观众发笑。
I did not stop. I punched through that line into the metaphorical guts of my audience.
我没有到此为止。我击穿了这个笑点，就如同击中观众的肺腑。
I did not want to make them laugh. I wanted to take their breath away, to shock them,
我不想让他们发笑，我想让他们感到窒息，让他们震惊。
so they could listen to my story and hold my pain as individuals, not as a mindless, laughing mob.
这样他们才能聆听我的故事，碰触我的痛，是作为一个人，而不是一群没心没肺傻笑的观众。
And that's what I did, and I called that show "Nanette."
这就是我所做的，我把那场演出叫做“娜娜”。
Now, many -- Now, many have argued that "Nanette" is not a comedy show.
现在，很多--现在，很多人在争论，说“娜娜”不是喜剧秀。
And while I can agree "Nanette" is definitely not a comedy show, those people are still wrong...
尽管我认同“娜娜”绝对不是喜剧秀，这些人还是错了，
because they have framed their argument as a way of saying I failed to do comedy.
因为他们的争论局限在我的喜剧秀是否失败了。
I did not fail to do comedy. I took everything I knew about comedy -- all the tricks, the tools, the know-how
我的喜剧秀没有失败。我用我对喜剧所有的知识--所有的技巧，工具和步骤，
I took all that, and with it, I broke comedy.
我运用了所有这些，并把它们作为武器，冲破了喜剧。
You cannot break comedy with comedy if you fail at comedy. Flaccid be thy hammer.
你是没办法用喜剧突破喜剧的，要是你的喜剧秀失败的话。绵里藏针。
That was not my point. The point was not simply to break comedy.
但这不是我想说的，我想说的不仅仅是冲破喜剧模式。
The point was to break comedy so I could rebuild it and reshape it,
我是说冲破喜剧模式后，我可以重建和重塑它，
reform it into something that could better hold everything I needed to share, and that is what I meant when I said I quit comedy.
使它能更好地容纳一切我想要分享给大家的东西，这就是我所说的，离开喜剧。
Now, it's probably at this point where you're going, "Yeah, cool, but what are the three ideas, exactly? It's a bit vague."
现在，大约你们可以说一声“哦，太棒了，但是到底那三个观点是什么呢？还是没弄清楚。”
I'm glad I pretended you asked.
我很高兴你们问我这个问题（我假装你们问的）。
Now, I'm sure there's quite a few of you who have already identified three ideas.
现在，我可以肯定很多人已经发现了三个观点。
A smart crowd, by all accounts, so I wouldn't be surprised at all.
反正你们都挺聪明的，所以我一点都不感到意外。
But you might be surprised to find out that I don't have three ideas.
但你们可能会很意外，其实我没有三个观点。
I told you I had three ideas, and that was a lie. That was pure misdirection -- I'm very funny.
我跟你们说我有三个观点其实是骗你们的。纯粹是想误导你们--我好玩吧。
What I've done instead is I've taken whole handfuls of my ideas as seeds, and I've scattered them all throughout my talk.
我刚才所做的，是把我所有的观点当作种子，撒播在我演讲的全过程里。
And why did I do that? Well, apart from shits and giggles, it comes down to something my grandma always used to say.
我为什么要这么做？除了那些无聊和傻笑，沉淀下来后，就如同奶奶说的，
"It's not the garden, it's the gardening that counts."
“重要的不是花园本身，而是耕种花草的过程。”
And "Nanette" taught me the truth to that truism.
而“娜娜”让我学会了这句老生常谈中的真理。
I fully expected by breaking the contract of comedy
我当时是满心以为，通过突破喜剧的束缚，
and telling my story in all its truth and pain that that would push me further into the margins of both life and art.
通过讲述所有的真相和痛苦，我会被逼到生活和艺术的边缘。
I expected that, and I was willing to pay that cost in order to tell my truth.
我以为，为了讲述真相我愿意付出这个代价。
But that is not what happened. The world did not push me away. It pulled me closer.
但是事实并不是这样。这个世界没有远离我，而是拉近了我。
Through an act of disconnection, I found connection.
我用一种疏离的行为找到了与世界的联系。
And it took me a long time to understand that what is at the heart of that contradiction is also at the heart of the contradiction
我花了很长时间才明白，这个矛盾的关键也是我下一个矛盾的关键，
as to why I can be so good at something I am so bad at.
那就是为什么我会如此擅长一件我这么不擅长的事情。
You see, in the real world, I struggle to talk to people
你看，在现实世界中，我跟人交谈都很困难，
because my neurodiversity makes it difficult for me to think, listen, speak and process new information all at the same time.
因为我的神经多样性使我很难去思考聆听，讨论和处理新的信息。无法同时进行。
But onstage, I don't have to think. I prepare my thinks well in advance.
但是在舞台上我不需要思考。我提前准备好了我的思路。
I don't have to listen. That is your job.
我也不需要聆听，那是你们的事儿。
And I don't really have to talk, because, strictly speaking, I'm reciting.
我都不需要交谈，因为严格说来，我是在背诵。
So all that is left is for me to do my best to make a genuine connection with my audience.
所以，我所能做的，就是尽我所能，与我的观众建立真诚的联系。
And if the experience of "Nanette" taught me anything, it's that connection depends not just on me. You play a part.
如果说制作“娜娜”让我学到了什么，那就是这种联系不是我一个人的事情，也包括你们。
"Nanette" may have begun in me,
“娜娜”是从我心里产生的，
but she now lives and grows in a whole world of other minds, minds I do not share. But I trust I am connected.
但是她现在在世界各地，许多人的心中生根发芽，这些人想些什么我不得而知。但我相信我与他们建立了联系。
And in that, she is so much bigger than me, just like the purpose of being human is so much bigger than all of us.
从这个意义上说，娜娜比我更宏大，就如同生命的意义要远远大于我们所有的人。
Make of that what you will. Thank you, and hello.
如何理解这些是你们自己的事情了。谢谢，你好！