Hello. My name is Simone. You know how people tell you if you get nervous when onstage, picture people in the audience naked?
大家好。我是Simone。人们总是告诉你，当你在舞台上感到紧张的时候，假想观众都没穿衣服就好了。
Like it's this thing that's supposed to make you feel better.
说的就像这真能让你感觉好点一样。
But I was thinking -- picturing all of you naked in 2018 feels kind of weird and wrong.
但是我一直在想--在2018年想象你们都没穿衣服实在有点不太对啊。
Like, we're working really hard on moving past stuff like that,
我们都有在努力克服这样的问题，
so we need a new method of dealing with if you get nervous onstage.
所以我们需要一种新方法来应付舞台恐惧症。
And I realized that what I'd really like is that I can look at you as much as you're looking at me
我意识到，我真正想要的是我能跟你们看着我一样看着你们，
just to even things out a little bit.
只是为了公平一点。
So if I had way more eyeballs, then we'd all be really comfortable, right?
所以如果我有更多眼睛的话，那我们就都会很舒服，对吧？
So in preparation for this talk, I made myself a shirt.
所以为了准备这次演讲，我给自己做了件T恤。
It's googly eyes. It took me 14 hours and 227 googly eyes to make this shirt.
这就是大眼睛T恤。花了我14个小时，以及227个大眼睛贴片。
And being able to look at you as much as you're looking at me is actually only half of the reason I made this.
能够像你们看着我一样看着你们这件事，其实只是我制作这件T恤的部分原因。
The other half is being able to do this.
另一半原因是我可以这么玩儿。
So I do a lot of things like this. I see a problem and I invent some sort of solution to it.
我做过很多这样的事。我发现了一个问题，就会发明某个解决方法来应对它。
For example, brushing your teeth. Like, it's this thing we all have to do, it's kind of boring, and nobody really likes it.
比如刷牙这件事：这就是一件大家都得做，但是又有点无聊的事，而且没人真正喜欢刷牙。
If there were any seven-year-olds in the audience, they'd be like, "Yes!"
如果在座有7岁小朋友的话，他们肯定会大喊“就是这样！”
So what about if you had a machine that could do it for you?
那么要不要来一台自动帮你刷牙的机器呢？
I call it ... I call it "The Toothbrush Helmet."
我给它取了名，叫做“牙刷头盔”。
So my toothbrush helmet is recommended by zero out of 10 dentists,
10位牙医中，有0位推荐了我的牙刷头盔，
and it definitely did not revolutionize the world of dentistry, but it did completely change my life.
它也肯定不算颠覆牙医界的伟大发明，但它确实改变了我的生活。
Because I finished making this toothbrush helmet three years ago and after I finished making it,
因为3年前我做出了这个头盔，完成制作之后，
I went into my living room and I put up a camera, and I filmed a seven-second clip of it working.
我在客厅架起了摄像机，录了一个7秒长的头盔操作视频。
And by now, this is a pretty standard modern-day fairy tale of girl posting on the internet,
现在，这成了一个标准的现代版童话：一个女孩在网上发帖，
the internet takes the girl by storm, thousands of men voyage into the comment sections to ask for her hand in marriage...
跟上了互联网浪潮，数以千计的男人们涌进评论区，邀请她进入婚姻殿堂...
She ignores all of them, starts a YouTube channel and keeps on building robots.
而她无视了他们所有人，创立了一个YouTube频道，继续搭建机器人。
Since then, I've carved out this little niche for myself on the internet as an inventor of useless machines,
从那时起我在互联网上为自己发掘出了这么一个商机：无用机器发明者。
because as we all know, the easiest way to be at the top of your field is to choose a very small field.
因为大家都知道，成为你所在行业顶尖人物的最简单方法，就是选择一个非常小的行业。
So I run a YouTube channel about my machines, and I've done things like cutting hair with drones...
所以我在运营一个关于我的机器的YouTube频道，我有试过用无人机剪头发...
To a machine that helps me wake up in the morning...
我还做过一台闹钟机器...
To this machine that helps me chop vegetables.
还有这台帮我切菜的机器。
I'm not an engineer. I did not study engineering in school.
我不是个工程师，我没学过工程学。
But I was a super ambitious student growing up.
但我从小就是个特别有远大志向的学生。
In middle school and high school, I had straight A's, and I graduated at the top of my year.
无论初中高中我一路拿的都是A，而且我毕业那年还是名列前茅的。
On the flip side of that, I struggled with very severe performance anxiety.
但另一面是，我当时有非常严重的表现焦虑。
Here's an email I sent to my brother around that time.
这是一封当时我写给我兄弟的邮件。
"You won't understand how difficult it is for me to tell you, to confess this.
“你不会明白，光是告诉你这件事，对我来说有多难。
I'm so freaking embarrassed. I don't want people to think that I'm stupid. Now I'm starting to cry too. Damn."
实在是太难堪了。我不希望人们觉得我是个傻子。我现在居然还开始哭了。真讨厌。”
And no, I did not accidentally burn our parents' house down.
别误会，我可没有不小心把爸妈的房子烧了。
The thing I'm writing about in the email and the thing I'm so upset about is that I got a B on a math test.
信里面那件让我如此焦虑不安的事其实是，有一次数学测验我只拿了B。
So something obviously happened between here and here.
所以这两种情况之间一定发生了什么事情。
One of those things was puberty.
其中一件是青春期的到来。
Beautiful time indeed. But moreover, I got interested in building robots, and I wanted to teach myself about hardware.
非常美丽的时期。但除此之外，我开始对搭建机器人感兴趣，我还想自学硬件知识。
But building things with hardware, especially if you're teaching yourself, is something that's really difficult to do.
但搭建需要硬件的东西，尤其是当你是在自学的时候，是一件非常困难的事情。
It has a high likelihood of failure and moreover, it has a high likelihood of making you feel stupid.
失败几率非常高，并且，这很有可能让你觉得自己超级智障。
And that was my biggest fear at the time.
而那就是我当时最大的恐惧。
So I came up with a setup that would guarantee success 100 percent of the time.
所以我做了一个一定能保证100%成功率的设定。
With my setup, it would be nearly impossible to fail.
根据我的设定，失败可能性几乎为零。
And that was that instead of trying to succeed, I was going to try to build things that would fail.
我打算再试着获得成功，我要制作一个肯定失败的机器。
And even though I didn't realize it at the time, building stupid things was actually quite smart,
尽管我当时并没有意识到，但实际上，制作一无是处东西其实还是个挺聪明的点子，
because as I kept on learning about hardware,
因为当我对硬件的学习更加深入的时候，
for the first time in my life, I did not have to deal with my performance anxiety.
我人生中第一次，不用应对自我表现方面的焦虑。
And as soon as I removed all pressure and expectations from myself,
并且当我卸除了所有对自己的压力与期待后，
that pressure quickly got replaced by enthusiasm, and it allowed me to just play.
压力很快就被热情取代，我就可以只是瞎玩了。
So as an inventor, I'm interested in things that people struggle with.
所以，作为一个发明者，我对人们很难做到的事情很感兴趣。
It can be small things or big things or medium-sized things
可以是小事，大事，或者二者之间的事，
and something like giving a TED talk presents this whole new set of problems that I can solve.
而做一场TED演讲，带来了一系列我能解决的全新问题。
And identifying a problem is the first step in my process of building a useless machine.
而发现问题则是搭建一个无用机器的第一步。
So before I came here, I sat down and I thought of some of the potential problems I might have in giving this talk.
在我来这里之前，我坐下来好好思考了一番演讲时可能遇到的问题。
Forgetting what to say. That people won't laugh -- that's you.
忘词。没人笑--说的就是你哦。

Or even worse, that you'll laugh at the wrong things -- that was an OK part to laugh at, thank you.
或者更糟的是，你们笑错地方了，这里你们其实是可以笑的，谢谢。
Or that when I get nervous, my hands start shaking and I'm really self-conscious about it.
或者我一紧张就会手抖，我还非常清楚这一点。
Or that my fly has been open this entire time and all of you noticed but I didn't, but it's closed so we're all good on that one.
或者我的裤子拉链一直都没拉上，所有人都注意到了，就我没有。但它是拉好的，所以没事了。
But one thing I'm actually really nervous about is my hands shaking.
我最担心的就是手抖这个问题了。
I remember when I was a kid, giving presentations in school, I would have my notes on a piece of paper,
我还记得我小时候在学校做演讲时，我会在一张纸上准备讲稿，
and I would put a notebook behind the paper so that people wouldn't be able to see the paper quivering.
并将纸贴到一个笔记本上，这样人们就看不出纸在颤抖了。
And I give a lot of talks. I know that about half of you in the audience are probably like,
我做过很多演讲。我知道你们中有一半听众都可能这么想：
"Building useless machines is really fun, but how is this in any way or form a business?"
“制作无用机器确实挺好玩，但这怎么可能是商机呢？”
And giving talks is a part of it.
演讲就是其中的一部分。
And the arrangers always put out a glass of water for you onstage so you have something to drink if you get thirsty,
组织者一定会在讲台上给你放杯水，这样你渴的时候就有水喝了，
and I always so badly want to drink that water,
我每次都超级想喝那杯水，
but I don't dare to pick the glass up because then people might be able to see that my hands are shaking.
但我没有勇气拿起杯子，因为人们可能就看出我的手在抖。
So what about a machine that hands you a glass of water?
那么要不要来一台递给你一杯水的机器呢？
Sold to the nervous girl in the googly-eye shirt.
就卖给穿大眼睛T恤的那位紧张女孩！
Actually, I need to take this off because I have a thing -- Oh.
实际上我得把这T恤脱了，因为我有个玩意儿要展示。
I still don't know what to call this, but I think some sort of "head orbit device,"
我还是不知道给它起什么名字。就叫“头部环绕仪”之类的吧。
because it rotates this platform around you and you can put anything on it.
因为这个平台会绕着你的头旋转，你想放什么东西上去都可以。
You can have a camera; you can get photos of your entire head.
比如放一台摄像机，你就可以拍到你整个头部的照片。
Like it's really -- it's a very versatile machine.
这是一台非常多功能的机器。
OK, and I have -- I mean, you can put some snacks on it, for example, if you want to.
好了，比如你们还可以把零食放上去啊，如果你想的话。
I have some popcorn here. And you just put a little bit like that.
我这有些爆米花。你就这么放一点上去。
And then you want to -- there's some sacrifices for science -- just some popcorn falling on the floor.
如果你想--这有一些科学的牺牲品--一些爆米花掉地上了。
Let's do the long way around.
我们来绕个大圈吧。
And then you have a little hand.
这儿有只小手。
You need to adjust the height of it, and you just do it by shrugging.
你得把高度调整一下，耸耸肩就可以。
It has a little hand.
这就是小手。
I just bumped my mic off, but I think we're all good.
我把麦克风拍掉了，但应该没事儿。
OK, also I need to chew this popcorn, so if you guys could just clap your hands a little bit more...
好的，我先把爆米花咽下去，所以你们再鼓一会掌好了。
OK, so it's like your own little personal solar system, because I'm a millennial, so I want everything to revolve around me.
这就像个私人迷你太阳系，因为我是千禧一代，所以我希望所有东西都围着我转。
Back to the glass of water, that's what we're here for.
回到那杯水的问题，那是我们来到这里的原因。
So, I promise -- I mean, it still has -- it doesn't have any water in it, I'm sorry.
我保证，它里头还有--这杯子里面没有水，抱歉。
But I still need to work on this machine a little bit because I still need to pick up the glass and put it on the platform,
但我还得调整一下这个机器，因为我还是得拿起杯子放到平台上，
but if your hands are shaking a little bit, nobody's going to notice because you're wearing a very mesmerizing piece of equipment.
但如果你的手在抖，没有人能注意到了，因为你身上正穿着一台很迷人的机器呢。
So, we're all good. OK.
目前为止一切正常。
Oh no, it got stuck. Isn't it comforting that even robots sometimes get stage fright?
很好。哦不，它卡住了。连机器都会犯舞台恐惧症，是不是很让人放松啊？
It just gets stuck a little bit. It's very human of them.
它只是有一点点卡住。非常人性化哦。
Oh wait, let's go back a little bit, and then...
等一下，我们倒回去一点。然后...
Isn't it a beautiful time to be alive?
活在这个时代真好，是吧？
So as much as my machines can seem like simple engineering slapstick,
我的机器看起来像是在用工程学做简单的恶搞，
I realize that I stumbled on something bigger than that.
但我意识到我触及到了一些比这更重要的事。
It's this expression of joy and humility that often gets lost in engineering,
制造机器时往往无法表现得开心或谦逊，
and for me it was a way to learn about hardware without having my performance anxiety get in the way.
对我而言，用这种方式学硬件，是不会受到表现焦虑症干扰的。
I often get asked if I think I'm ever going to build something useful, and maybe someday I will.
经常有人问我，我以后会不会制作一些有用的东西？可能有一天我会。
But the way I see it, I already have because I've built myself this job
但我觉得，我早已做到了。这份工作是我为自己创造出的，
and it's something that I could never have planned for, or that I could...
这是我无法计划出来的。或者...
It's something that I could never have planned for.
这是我永远也无法计划出的。
Instead it happened just because I was enthusiastic about what I was doing,
相反，这一切的发生只是因为我对这个工作充满热情，
and I was sharing that enthusiasm with other people.
并且我在与他人分享我的热情。
To me that's the true beauty of making useless things,
对于我，那就是制作无用机器最美的部分，
because it's this acknowledgment that you don't always know what the best answer is.
因为你已经承认，你不一定知道最好的答案是什么。
And it turns off that voice in your head that tells you that you know exactly how the world works.
它让你不再盲目认为自己已经完全了解世界怎么运作。
And maybe a toothbrush helmet isn't the answer, but at least you're asking the question. Thank you.
可能一台牙刷头盔并不是标准答案，但至少你提出了问题。谢谢。