OK, well, tomorrow is the big day. Yep, Ladies Night at Applebee's.

好 明天可是个大日子 没错 Applebee的女孩之夜

Also, the Royal Wedding is tomorrow.

明天还是皇家婚礼

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are tying the knot.

哈里王子和梅根·马克尔要结婚了

They're taking the plunge. They're hitching their wagons. They're bumping their crumpets.

他们要入坑了 他们要携手一生了 他们要不顾一切了

And who's going to watch? Anybody watching?

有谁会看？有人要看吗？

It starts at 4:00 o'clock in the morning our time.

美国时间凌晨四点开始

Still going to watch? Yeah. Really?

还打算看吗？嗯 真的呀？

Yeah, I would watch, but I have a thing. And by a "thing," I mean, I'll be sleeping.

嗯 我是想看的 不过我有点事儿 我说的“事儿”是指我要睡觉觉

You will not be able to turn on the TV without seeing it.

只要你打开电视就绝对会看到

Every major network and cable channel is going to cover it.

所有的大型网络和电缆频道都会报道

It's like a royal car chase, is what it is.

就像皇家赛车一样 就是这样

People love royal families, I'll tell you that.

人们超爱王室 这是肯定的

The wedding is exciting because Prince Harry is marrying an American,

这场婚礼很让人激动啊 因为哈里王子娶的可是一位美国人

and that hasn't happened since-- I don't know, I'm not finished with the crown yet.

这从...之后就没有过了 我不知道 我还没背完皇家历史呢

I don't know. I know a few things about marrying someone from another country.

不晓得 娶个异国他乡的人我稍微懂一点点

I married the woman of my dreams 10 years ago.

十年前我娶了我的梦中情人

Our wedding was very different than the Royal Wedding, although I did make people curtsy when they saw me.

我们的婚礼跟王室婚礼很不一样 不过我也让看见我的所有人行屈膝礼了

I was a little hurt that I wasn't invited to the Royal Wedding because, first of all, I'm family.

我没收到邀请去参加这场王室婚礼 还挺伤心的 因为 首先 我可是家人

I'm related to Kate Middleton. I'm her 15th cousin, and that is true.

我跟凯特·米德尔顿是亲戚关系 我是她第15个堂姐 这是真的

And she is the Duchess of Windsor, and I'm the Lady of Burbank, is what I am.

她是温莎的公爵夫人 我是伯班克女王 这就是我

Thank you.

谢谢诸位

And secondly, the reason I should have been invited is, I'm responsible for Megan Markle's true love, her dog.

其次 之所以应该邀请我 是因为我要对梅根·马克尔的真爱——她的狗狗负责

Look at this. This is true. She said in an interview, that years ago, she was at a dog rescue.

看 这是真的 她在一次采访中说很多年前 她去了一个狗狗援助中心

And apparently, I was there, and I said, you have to take that dog home.

很明显 我当时也在那儿 我说 你一定要收养了那只狗狗

And because I told her to, she took it home.

正是因为我这句话 她就把那只狗带回家了

And I don't remember any of this, but I did change Megan Markle's life that day.

这事儿我一点都不记得了 不过那天我确实改变了梅根·马克尔的一生

Because when you give a get a dog it gives you unconditional love.

因为当你收养一只狗 就会得到无条件的爱

And without that, she would have been lonely, and she would have been looking for love in the wrong places.

如果没有这些爱 她就会很孤单 她可能会去错误的地方寻找真爱

And then after a series of bad relationships, she probably would have started drinking.

然后经过一系列的烂感情后 她很可能会开始酗酒

And then, she would have lost her job and not be able to pay her rent, so she'd have to move in with somebody to have a roommate.

然后她就会失业 无力承担房租 于是就被迫跟别人同租

And then, they'd have a huge falling out because her roommate ate all the ice cream.

再然后 他们会大吵一架 因为她室友吃完了所有的冰淇淋

And she slapped her roommate across the face, and her roommate kicked her out onto the streets, and then she turned to a life of crime.

于是她扇了她室友一巴掌 她室友把她撵了出去 然后她就走上了犯罪的道路

So I saved her life.

所以是我拯救了她

I'm sure it's going to be beautiful.

我相信这场婚礼一定会美的无与伦比

But sometimes, things can go beautifully wrong at weddings.

但有时候 婚礼上会出现一些美丽的小意外

For instance--

比如说