I have a confession. I have been in an affair since I was 17 years old.
我要坦白一件事。我正在谈一段恋爱，这段感情从我17岁持续到现在。
I wish I could talk about butterflies in my stomach or maps I drew on the ground when I think about this affair, but I cannot.
谈论这段感情时，我希望能谈谈我的紧张与不安，或是之前我画在地上的地图，但我不能。
I wish I could talk about sweet words spoken or gifts that I received from this affair, but I cannot.
我希望能聊自己说过的情话，或从这段感情所收到的爱礼，但我不能。
All I can tell you about is the aftermath, about days I spent constantly asking: Why, why, why me?
我能告诉你们的，只有这段感情所带来的的后遗症，关于过去那段日子里，我不断自问，为什么？为什么？为什么是我？
I remember how it all began. I was in my final year of high school, and my class had just won in sports,
我仍记得当初是怎么开始的。在我高中最后一年，我们班赢了运动比赛，
so we were singing and dancing and hugging each other.
大家一起唱歌跳舞并互相拥抱。
I went and took a shower. Then I went for dinner.
然后我离开去冲澡。再去吃晚餐。
And when I sat down to eat, my teeth started chattering, and so I couldn't put the spoon in my mouth.
但当我坐下开始用餐时，我的牙齿开始咯咯地发出声音，汤匙放不进嘴巴。
I rushed to the nurse's office, and because I couldn't talk, I just pointed at my mouth.
我赶紧冲去护理室，当下由于说不了话，我只能指着自己的嘴。
She didn't know what was happening, so she told me to lie down, and it worked -- after a few minutes, the chattering stopped.
护士不知道发生了什么事，所以她要我躺下，这方法有效。过了几分钟后，我的牙齿停止打颤。
I was about to dash out, and she told me -- no, she insisted -- that I go up to the dormitories to sleep.
我本打算离去，但她说：喔不是，是她坚持我必须回宿舍睡觉。
Here I was in my final year of high school,
在高中的最后一年，
just a few months from doing my end of high school exams and a few days from doing a set of exams we call here in Kenya "mocks,"
考完期末考的几个月后，做完我们在肯尼亚称之为"mocks"的模拟测验几天后，
which are somehow meant to gauge how prepared one is for the final exams.
它是用来衡量学生是否准备好期末考的模拟测验。
There is no way I was going to sleep and let a set of exams mock me.
但是怕考不好所以哪敢去睡觉，我不能被这些考试击倒。
I went to class, sat down, took my Kenyan history notes, and there I was, down Kenyan coastal town,
考试当天我坐在教室，看着我准备的肯尼亚历史笔记，读到关于肯尼亚沿岸城镇
with the great Mekatilili wa Menza, the Giriama woman who led her people against British colonial rule.
及"Mekatilili wa Menza"女士的故事，这位伟大的女性领导群众对抗英国殖民政府。
Then, without any notice, my left hand started jerking, and it was as if I was marking imaginary papers.
然后，没有任何征兆，我的左手开始抽搐，抽搐的样子让我看起来像是在画图。
In and out it went, and with every stroke, one by one,
向里向外不停地挥舞，一笔一笔地在画图一样，
my classmates stopped concentrating on their reading and started looking at me.
我同学都没办法专心念书，开始看着我。
And I tried really hard to stop it, but I couldn't, because it had a life of its own.
我想尽办法试图停下它的动作，但我办不到，因为我的手完全不听我的指挥。
And then, when it was sure everybody was looking at us, in its final show and official introduction,
然后，当我确定大家都在注视我时，它最后的演出正式上场，
I had my first full-blown seizure, which was the beginning of what has been a 15-year-long affair.
就是我人生第一次的全身性癫痫发作，也开始了我和它长达十五年的“不解之缘”。
Seizures are the trademark characteristic for most types of epilepsy,
“抽搐”是癫痫症最常见的征兆，
and every first-ever seizure needs to be assessed by a doctor to determine if one has epilepsy or if it's a symptom of something else.
第一次抽搐发作后，必须经过医生的详细检查才能确定是否真的罹患了癫痫症，或是其他症状的征兆。
In my case, it was confirmed that I had epilepsy.
而我则被诊断出患有癫痫。
I spent a large chunk of my time in hospital and at home, and only went back to do my final exams.
我在医院和家里待了很长的一段时间，只有在期末考时才去学校。

I had seizures in between papers,
考试期间我的癫痫又发作了数次，
but managed to get good enough grades to be admitted for an actuarial science degree at the University of Nairobi.
但我仍克服了并考上内罗毕大学的精算科学系。
Unfortunately, I had to drop out in my second year.
不幸的是，我必须在大二退学。
I didn't have good enough coping skills and a support community around me.
我没有很好的调适方法，背后也没团体给我支持。
I was lucky enough to get a job, but I was fired from that job when I had a seizure in the workplace.
我很幸运能找到一个工作，但因工作时癫痫发作被解雇了。
So I found myself in a space where I was constantly asking myself why this had to happen to me.
所以我找了一个地方躲起来，在那里我不断地问自己为什么这种事会发生在我身上。
I lived in denial for a long time, and the denial was maybe because of the things that had happened,
很长一段时间我无法接受，不能接受的原因也许是因为那些已经发生的事，
dropping out of school and being fired from my job.
例如中途退学和被解雇。
Or maybe it was because of the things I had heard about epilepsy and about people living with epilepsy:
或是那些以前耳闻关于癫痫的事和癫痫症患者的故事，
that they would never live on their own; that they would never travel on their own or even get work;
那些人一辈子无法独自生活，他们也无法独自旅行或是去工作，
that they were outcasts, with a spirit in them that they needed to be delivered from.
他们被抛弃，为了这个他们无法摆脱的症状。
And so the more I thought about these things, the more my seizures became, and I spent days with my legs locked,
所以我越是去烦恼这些事，我的癫痫就更常复发，有一段时间里我的双脚被固定着，
my speech became blurred and on days on end, this is how I'd be.
我的口齿变得含糊不清，接连数天都是如此。
Two or three days after a seizure, my head and my hand would still be twitching.
每次癫痫发作后的两三天内，我的头和手仍会抽筋。
I felt lost, like I'd lost everything, and sometimes, even the will to live.
我感到迷惘，我觉得像失去了所有，有时甚至没有活下去的意愿。
I had so much frustration in me. And so I started writing,
我对自己深深感到挫败。所以我开始写作，
because the people around me didn't have answers to the questions that I had.
因为周遭的人们找不到我要的答案。
And so I wrote my fears and my doubts.
所以我开始写下自己的恐惧和疑惑。
I wrote about my good days and my bad days and my really ugly days, and I shared them on a blog.
我写下自己快乐的时光，悲伤的和非常难过的日子，我将这些分享在一个博客上。
And before long, I began to be seen and heard by people who had epilepsy and their families,
没过多久，我开始被同样患有癫痫的人关注，还有他们的家人，
and even those who did not have the diagnosis.
甚至是那些没有被诊断出病因的人。
And I moved from that girl who constantly asked why me to one who not only self-advocates,
我从原本只会自怨自艾，蜕变成一个不但懂得自我拥护，
but does it for those who are yet to find their voices.
且可为同病相怜的人发声的支持者。
My seizures are greatly reduced, from two to three times a day, to sometimes two to three times in one year.
我癫痫的症状已减缓不少，从每天发作两三次到现在的每年二至三次。
I went on -- I went on to employ five people, when I began what was Kenya's first free mental health and epilepsy support line.
我接着--接着我从雇用五个人作为开始，设立了肯尼亚第一个免费的心理健康和癫痫支持热线。
And I travel -- And I travel to speak about my affair,
然后我开始旅行--我到各地分享我的故事，
all these things that I had been told people like me living with epilepsy could never be able to do.
讲述那些我曾经被告知身为癫痫患者所不能做的事。
Every year, a population as big as 80 percent of Nairobi gets diagnosed with epilepsy across the globe.
每年约有相当于内罗毕八成人口总数的人，在全世界罹患癫痫症。
And they, like me, go through the emotions of stigma and exclusion.
这些人跟我一样，忍受着被排挤和污名化。
And so I have made it my life journey to keep these conversations going,
所以我将在我的人生中持续投入这类讲座，
and I keep confessing about my affair so that those people who do not have the diagnosis might know
并分享我的亲身经历，好让那些无法被确诊病因的人能够了解，
and might have a constant reminder that it is alright to engage with people like us,
并能不断地得到提醒，让他们知道跟我们并肩而行是没关系的，
that as long as they pull down the walls of stigma and exclusion,
直到这些污辱和排斥的高墙被推倒，
that we, just like them, can be able to take anything life throws at us. Thank you.
我们跟他们都是相同的，我们也一样能克服生命中的难题。谢谢。