"No" doesn't feel so good. We feel a little uncomfortable.

“不”感觉不太好 我们会不自在

We feel bad saying no. "No" to something is "yes" to something else.

说不会让我们很难受 “拒绝”某事相当于“答应”另一件事

And that's the first thing you need to think about to give yourself permission to say no.

这是你需要思考的第一件事 允许自己拒绝别人

My husband actually put a sticky note on my computer for about a year with the word "no" on it.

我丈夫曾经在便利贴上写了个“不” 贴在我电脑上贴了大约一年

And it really did give me permission to say no and to remember that that's allowed.

这确实让我能够拒绝别人 并且知道我是可以这么做的

So that's the first thing. Then you want to think about how to say no and how to say yes.

所以这是第一件事 接下来就是思考如何拒绝和如何答应

Because yes and no are never one-word answers.

因为拒绝和答应从来就不只是两个字的答案

My favorite on the no side is "no, but..."

拒绝别人我最喜欢用的句式有“不行 但是”

"No, not right now. No, but I could do this instead.

“不行 现在不可以 不行 不过我可以这么做

No, but this person might be interested."

不行 不过这个人可能有兴趣”

I look to give a no with the opportunity for a yes later.

我倾向于拒绝别人 但随后再给出另一个机会

For example, somebody asked me to do a pro bono talk.

比如说 曾有人让我去做一场无偿演讲

Happy to do those things if they meet certain criteria.

如果他们能达到某些标准 那我很乐意

This criteria was driving two hours in rush hour to talk to 30 people.

这个标准就是 在上下班高峰期开两个小时的车去给30个人讲话

It wasn't going to meet that criteria.

但他们无法满足这个标准

And I said, if you can get x number of people in the room,

然后我说 如果你不能找到X个人来

and we can do it during this time of day, then I'm happy to do it.

而且可以把时间调整到一天的这个时间段 那我很乐意去做

So "No, but here's how you can get a yes"

所以“不行 但你这样我就能答应”

is a great way to enable somebody to feel OK

是一种能让别人感到舒服的很好的方式

and for you to feel OK and not want to avoid that extended relationship.

而且也会让你觉得很舒服 不会去避免这种延伸关系

So when we use a "no, but," we give them an opportunity for a "yes" down the road.

所以当我们说“不行 但是”的时候 会让别人有机会得到“好的”的回答

But we also can use the "no, but" to help them find another way to get that help.

我们还可以用“不行 但是”帮助别人找到另一种获得帮助的方法

No, but there's this great resource you may want to look into.

不行 但是这个资源很棒 你可以试一试

No, but I do know somebody who's working on that.

不行 但我知道某个人在研究这个

Let me ask if they might be interested in connecting.

我问一下他们是否有兴趣联系一下

No, but. I might not be able to help you.

不行 但是 可能我帮不了你

But I'm happy to give you ideas on how you can get the help you're looking for.

但我很高兴告诉你如何能获得你需要的帮助

Sometimes you want to and get to say yes.

有时候你愿意 就需要答应别人

So we want to sometimes qualify our yes: "Yes, if..."

有时我们需要对答应加以限定：“好的 如果...”

Yes, if you can get this done for me.

好的 如果你能帮我完成这个

Or yes, if you can get this many people in the room.

或者 好的 如果你能找到这么多人来

Or yes, if. It could be "yes, after."

或者 好的 如果 也可以是“好的 在...之后”

Yes, I'd love to get on the phone with you after I'm done with this big project that I'm working on,

好的 我很乐意跟你通电话 等我把这个大项目完成以后

or after I get back from vacation.

或等我度假回来以后

Just giving yourself a little breathing room in when and the timing of when that follow through will actually happen.

在你答应随后要做的那件事真正发生之前 给自己一点缓冲空间

So we have "yes, if." We have "yes, after."

所以我们可以说“好的 如果” “好的 在...之后”

We could have "yes, with." Yes, with your assistance.

也可以说“好的 有了” 好的 有了你的帮助

Or yes, with another party. I'm happy to work on that.

或者 好的 有了另一方 我很乐意做这件事

Yes, with some training.

好的 有了培训以后

So "yes, if," "yes, after," "yes, with," or even "yes, when."

所以“好的 如果” “好的 在...之后” “好的 有了” 甚至是“好的 等...的时候”

And when could be, when I feel that I'm really ready to do that.

等...的时候可以是 等我觉得自己准备好做这件事的时候

Yes, when I have gotten that training that we talked about. "Yes, when."

好 等我完成了我们说的那个培训的时候 “好的 等...的时候”

So all of these things help give you a little bit of space and manage the expectations of the follow through of that yes.

所有这些都能给你一点空间 让你能够控制答应随后要做的事