Happy new year, everybody! And I hope you had a good holiday.
大家新年快乐 希望你们假期都玩的开心
It's so great to be back. It's 2016. And we're feeling good.
很开心2016年能再见到你们 大家应该都很开心
Now it's the fourth of January.
今天是一月四日
And of course this is the time when everyone is making their resolutions.
当然今天也是大家写下新年计划的时候
Although you might be wasting your time
尽管你很可能只是在浪费时间
because a new poll conducted by the university of Scranton
因为斯克兰顿大学新的一项调查显示
found that only 8% of people actually keep their new year's resolutions.
只有百分之八的人能够完成他们每一年的新年计划
Now when I read this, I was like 8% seems a bit high, doesn't it?
我读到这里的时候 还在想 百分之八有点高了吧 不是吗
Like basically 7% of people started the new year by lying. Do you know what I mean?
基本上每年有百分之七的人从开年就在撒谎 你们知道我意思吗
I mean everyone's resolution is going to fail, isn't it?
每个人的新年计划都会失败 不是吗

I mean even the start of the new year is commemorating with somebody dropping the ball.
就连新年的开始都是为了纪念那个丢下水晶球的人
Now I should tell you that my new year's resolution for 2016 was to join a gym,
我2016年的新年计划就是成为健身房的会员
which I did, thank you very much.
而且这件事我已经做了 谢谢
Thank you.
谢谢你们的掌声
My new year's resolution next year is to go to that gym.
我明年的新年计划就是去那家健身房健身
Now, now celebrities are not immune from resolution fever.
现在 名人们也免不了写新年计划的习俗
Everyone has something they want to change about themselves.
每个人都希望自己能做出些改变
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced his resolution saying,
脸书的创始人 马克·扎克伯格的新年计划是这样的
and I quote, my personal challenge for 2016 is to build a simple AI to run my home and help me with my work.
我2016年的目标是制造出一个能够管理我的家庭生活和帮助我完成工作的人工智能
All right, that's right, Mark Zuckerberg's resolution is to build an artificial intelligence system that controls his entire home.
好吧 马克·扎卡伯格的新年愿望是造出一个控制它生活的人工智能系统
Meanwhile, I'm determined to give up sweets. We're basically the same person.
我的新年愿望是戒掉甜食 我们基本上差不多嘛
But it's an election year and I'm sure the presidential candidates have made their new year's resolutions.
但今年是大选年 候选人们肯定也制定了自己的新年计划
I imagine Jeb Bush's resolution was probably to spend more time with his supporter.
我猜杰宝·布什的新年计划就是跟他的支持者们多待会儿
Hillary Clinton's resolution is currently being focus grouped.
希拉里·克林顿的计划是让自己的支持者们更加团结
Ben Carson's resolution is to just, take his time.
本·卡森的计划就是 慢慢来
Stop—and smell the roses.
停下里——闻闻玫瑰的香味
Donald trump doesn't have any resolutions because resolutions are for losers and he's a winner.
唐纳德·特朗普没有新年计划 因为他觉得失败者才用写新年计划 而他是成功人士
Bernie Sanders resolution is to catch that damn squirrel that keeps eating the food out of the birdfeeder.
伯尼·桑德斯的新年计划是抓住那只一直偷他鸟食的松鼠
And he's not a politician but Steve Harvey's resolution was to travel more.
史蒂夫·哈维不是政客 但他的计划是多多旅行
He said he has always wanted to visit Colombia,
他说他一直想去哥伦比亚
I mean the Philippines, I'm sorry it should have been the Philippines, to begin with.
我是说 菲律宾 抱歉 应该是菲律宾 我刚说错了
Bill Cosby's resolution is to buy a sweater that doesn't look exactly like his beard.
比尔·科斯比的新年计划是买一斤跟他的胡子不那么相像的毛衣
I mean I think he's got bigger problems. But it is his resolution.
他虽然也面临着其他更大的问题 但他的新年计划就是这样了
And Mike Tyson's new year's resolution was to stop knocking himself out.
而迈克·泰森的新年计划是不要摔跤
Let's see how he's doing.
一起来看