Space-lag, he said, is very bad for sub-clauses. You’ll have to assist me again, he continued, by reminding me what I was talking about.
“Between the stars,” said Arthur, “known on your world, though not necessarily to you, dear lady, as…”
“Pleiades Epsilon and Pleiades Zeta,” concluded Ford triumphantly. This conversation lark is quite gas isn’t it?
Have some coffee.
Thank you, no. “And the reason,” I said, “why I am bothering you with it rather than just dialling direct as I could, because we have some pretty sophisticated telecommunications equipment out here in the Pleiades, I can tell you, is that the penny pinching son of a starbeast piloting this son of a starbeast spaceship insists that I call collect. Can you believe that?”
And could she?
I don’t know. She had hung up, said Ford, by this time. So! What do you suppose, he asked fiercely, I did next?
I’ve no idea, Ford, said Arthur.
Pity, said Ford, I was hoping you could remind me. I really hate those guys you know. They really are the creeps of the cosmos, buzzing around the celestial infinite with their junky little machines that never work properly or, when they do, perform functions that no sane man would require of them and, he added savagely, go beep to tell you when they’ve done it!
This was perfectly true, and a very respectable view widely held by right thinking people, who are largely recognizable as being right thinking people by the mere fact that they hold this view.
The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, in a moment of reasoned lucidity which is almost unique among its current tally of five million, nine hundred and seventy-five thousand, five hundred and nine pages, says of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation product that “it is very easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all”.
In other words and this is the rock solid principle on which the whole of the Corporation’s Galaxy-wide success is founded their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their superficial design flaws.
And this guy, ranted Ford, was on a drive to sell more of them! His five-year mission to seek out and explore strange new worlds, and sell Advanced Music Substitute Systems to their restaurants, elevators and wine bars! Or if they didn’t have restaurants, elevators and wine bars yet, to artificially accelerate their civilization growth until they bloody well did have! Where’s that coffee!
I threw it away.
Make some more. I have now remembered what I did next. I saved civilization as we know it. I knew it was something like that.
He stumbled determinedly back into the sitting room, where he seemed to carry on talking to himself, tripping over the furniture and making beep beep noises.
A couple of minutes later, wearing his very placid face, Arthur followed him.
Ford looked stunned.
“空间差，”他说，“对二级条款非常不好。你得再帮帮我，”他接着说，“提醒下我刚才说到哪儿了？”
“对你们的世界已知的，”阿瑟说，“两颗星球之间飞行，不过并不一定飞向你，亲爱的女士，由于……”
“昴宿五和昴宿六，”福特得意洋洋地总结说，“这样耍嘴皮子很好玩是吧？”
“喝点咖啡。”
“谢谢，我不喝。‘至于为什么，’我说，‘我要麻烦你而不是直接打给他，你知道在昴宿星团我们有些相当不错的精密电讯设备，我可以告诉你，是因为那个这艘星际野兽养(骂人的话，作用类似于我们说的其他‘××养的’)的飞船的星际野兽养的铁公鸡飞行员坚持要我打对方付费电话。你能相信有这种事吗？”
“她能相信吗？”
“我不知道，她把电话挂了，”福特说，“立刻挂了。好了！你觉得，”他恶狠狠地问，“随后我做什么了？”
“我不知道，福特。”阿瑟说。
“太可惜了，”福特说，“我还希望你能提醒我呢。你知道我真恨死那些家伙了。他们就是宇宙中的爬虫，在无限的空间里面哼哼着到处晃，他们的破烂机器从来不能正常运作，要不就是正常运作的时候，运行一些任何正常人都不会要求它们搞出来的功能，而且，”他粗鲁地补充说，“在这么做了以后还哔哔叫着告诉你。”
这绝对是事实，而且是思维正常的人们广泛持有的一种非常正派的观点，这些人被看作是思维正常的人，主要是因为他们持有这种观点。
《银河系漫游指南》在它五百九十七万五千五百零九页的内容中几乎唯一理性而清醒的条目中是这么说天狼星机器人公司产品的：“你让它们动起来的成就感很容易让你忘了它们实际上的毫无用处。”
换句话说，——这家公司在全银河系获得的成功就建立在这样一条坚如磐石的原则之上——产品根本的设计缺陷被彻底地遮蔽在表面的设计缺陷之后。
“而且这个家伙，”福特怒气冲冲地说，“还准备出售更多这些东西！他有个五年期的任务，是寻找并且探索陌生的新世界，并且向这些世界的餐馆、电梯和酒吧出售高级音乐替代系统！如果这些地方还没有餐馆、电梯和酒吧，那就推动他们文化的发展好让他们建起来，然后再卖给他们！咖啡呢？”
“我倒了。”
“再冲点。我现在想起来随后我做什么了。就像我们了解的那样，我拯救了文明。我知道就是这类事情。”
他又坚决地跌跌撞撞走回客厅，看起来在那儿一个劲自言自语，在家具上绊倒，并且发出哔哔的声音。
几分钟之后，阿瑟面色非常镇定地来到他面前。
福特看起来吓了一跳。